Need a handhold - husband left and I’ve been stuck abroad

[Lizzie1503]

I’m feeling very fragile at the moment and could do with some support from you wise ladies.
I’ve been living overseas with my husband for the past couple of years. We were relocating when lock down started - I was stuck in one country, he’s in another. We have been married for 3 turbulent years. Friends have said he has been emotionally abusive - he says I’ve been abusive. I’m really confused - I’ve lost all self esteem, lost the ability to rationalise and am unable to figure out reality from fiction.
I stayed in this country during lockdown instead of repatriating as I thought I could get to him quicker with all our furniture and dogs - but within a couple of weeks of locking down he told me it was over.
It’s been really hard trying to come to terms with everything away from my family (kids, grandkids) but deep down I was also hoping we had time to sort out our differences and I could join him once borders open.
I’m now on a repatriation flight very soon. I have to sort out our stuff, half of it shipped to him, half to Uk. I need to rewrite my future. Find a rental property for me and the dogs, find a job. It’s all so scary and I struggle to sleep. I wake up from bad dreams thinking I can’t breathe, heart pounding then my mind goes whirring round. Or I’m dreaming I’m with him and it’s all ok - so I wake up as my mind is forcing me to stop pretending and face facts.
I know deep down the end of the relationship is best for me, but it’s so hard right now. The reasons he gave made no sense - quoting episodes but rewriting how they played out. I have historic emails/messages so when he blames me for things, I get a sense it’s wrong, I wouldn’t have said/done that (it’s not like me) and when I look at the messages it confirms he’s rewriting the past.
I now have 2 weeks before I fly back to Uk. I have so much to sort out and it’s painful splitting our stuff, sending it to him (in a flat I chose as I went and did the recki visit). I feel so alone with the responsibility of it, pressurised by the time frame and scared of the future.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here - I guess just a bit of a hand hold.

I’m sorry, that sounds very hard. Have your adult children been supportive ?

Do you have a job and friends in the UK?

I know it’s tempting to rehash the past all the time but you need to focus on your new future.

Sorry op that sounds incredibly tough. What kind of support d9 you have in place?

Why do you have to send his stuff? If he wants it he can come and get it! He doesn't get to just fuck off and leave everything up to you to deal with.

I totally agree with the PP. he does not get to leave you to sort this all out on your own.
Wait for it to become apparent there is someone else. Sounds like he's following "the script".

Um, no way would I be shipping his stuff.

'Sorry I've decided against shipping your things - I don't have time. You will have to arrange storage or collection remotely.'

Can you not just take what you want, and leave the rest to be his problem?

As to the rewriting history - every single woman I know whose husband has walked out has been left bewildered by the rewriting of history. It is utterly bizarre, all these middle aged men who have apparently always been unhappy, whose wives have never understood them, who have made all the unappreciated effort, who honestly think that their entire lives have been so awful that leaving their wives in the shit is perfectly justified.

It's odd

My advice is to stop thinking about him; decide what YOU want, what is the minimum you HAVE to do (dogs, photos and personal items), and just get out.

Why does he get to keep the new flat anyway? I hope you have somewhere/someone you can go to for a bit, you need a break.

Did you say you have children? Where are they? With him or you? Already in the UK?
Let him organise removal of his own stuff. You have enough to do.
Do you have a job where you are? If so, why not stay a while and do things slowly?

Forget his stuff as pps have said.

Concentrate on getting yourself a place for you & your stuff!

Can your adult(?) kids help at all?

I would not be sorting his stuff, he fucked you over then expects you to clean up his mess. Nah mate, that doesn't work for me. Sending you strength, lovely. ❤️

I wouldn't send his stuff either. Rent him a storage, in his name, pay one month in cash and tell him to get himself sorted out. But I'm generous that way. Take pictures.
So where are the kids, are they adults already?

Really sorry to hear about this, OP - that must be very hard but it's good you can see that this is for the best in the long run. And also as PP have said - the rewriting of history seems to be very common. Don't know what it is about men today - my dad had affairs and it ultimately split up my parents' marriage, but he didn't blame my mum for them. He took responsibility for what he'd done. (Btw - my mum, in her mid-50s at the time, met a fabulous man and had a very contented and fulfilling second marriage).

Agree with PP - he's the one walking out on your relationship - he can sort out his own stuff. That is most definitely on him not you.

So, now you've got that off your to do list, hopefully it's already looking more manageable!

I'm sorry this happened but is he paying to get his stuff back etc if not I'd be leaving it in situ and going home. He ceased to be your responsibility when he did this

You got this and you've got new adventures to have just breathe and take one day at a time

Cross off your list sending him his stuff. He’s not entitled to dump that mental load on you.
He wants it he can arrange for it himself.

And if he sends a list of stuff he wants you decide what he can and can’t get.

My friend did this when a van and a couple of blokes turned up at her house ( her ex cheated). She went through the ex’s demand list crossing off the stuff she wanted to keep.

Thank you so much for all your messages.

The packing had to be done - he’s paying for it, so maybe I made it sound like I was being responsible for all of it, including the financial. Well - his company is paying for it.

I can’t sit here any longer, I need go get back to the UK to start again. Its just so scary and I feel horrible as it’s not my choice. So it’s the emotional side that’s hard. He’s all chirpy and being “supportive” (text messages saying “you’ve had a hard day - are you ok?”... smug) when I actually blame him for my fucking hard day.

I can’t work here - I’m a trailing spouse and where I am is really controlled. I’m on his visa which is about to expire and the only source of income is off his bank card (which was blocked today - not via him). Hence the “hard day” comment - as I was panicking.

I agree (and this really does hurt) that he probably has someone else filling the void of me. Someone who is more subservient and ego boosting. He wouldn’t ditch me to sit on his own unless he had a better replacement.

There’s been many episodes in the last 3 years where I’ve discovered he’s been chasing after Filipino women. Somehow this has always been down to my fault.

When I first joined him overseas I discovered he’d been trying to get girls into bed. One of the reasons he quoted as us needing to split was because I had broken the trust by snooping. No responsibility. And yes I did snoop as I had so many alarm bells ringing.

I gave up a lucrative job to join him and sold my own property so I have no home to return to. I do have a “soft landing” as he likes to put it. But the emotional impact of rewriting my future in my latter years is really hard.

My adult children are waiting for me in the Uk. They will be great support when I return, I only told them yesterday what’s happening. They’re not surprised.

Thank you for sending messages. I really appreciate it.

If I could turn clock back 16 years, I would tell myself separation is hard, moving is hard. But it gets better. Tomorrow is a new day, this is start of new phase of your life, anything is possible but you're now the one in control.

Good luck with the journey.

OP - if he's been cheating as you've discovered, you really are better off without him. The fact your children aren't surprised should tell you something. You say it's been 3 turbulent years. Try looking at the pleasure of countless enjoyable and peaceful years where you don't have the humiliation of being tied to a cheating waste of space.

Completely agree with @glendaruel.

This bit is going to be really, really tough. It'll be hard because although he's not great, he's not all bad and there will be aspects of him you'll miss. And sometimes a crappy known situation is less scary than a potentially unknown great situation.

But "this too shall pass". You will move on from this day, from the trial of it all. You will feel better again. Just concentrate on one day at a time. And one day you'll wake up and say "I'm so glad I had that crappy period to get to this point in my life."

Good luck!

In your position I would not put myself out by sorting out his belongings, whether he is paying or not. I would sort out and ship what I wanted to keep and leave the rest in situ for him to attend to.
Put your energy into your present situation and planning your future, do not waste time and energy attending to his preferences or requirements.
Your are rid of a dishonest cheating partner, now is the time to look after yourself.
Concentrate on your future only and you will succeed, and come to a soft landing.
Best wishes for a much better future.

Thank you for your messages, it really does help me.
With regards to the packing - packers are coming to take my stuff so the remainder by default will be his. The packers are welcome to pack his stuff up to.
I had another rough night - got to sleep for just 2 hours only to be woken by a message from him dictating that he sent me a packing list over a month ago and he’s annoyed I haven’t confirmed I’ve acted on it.
Due to lack of sleep and rage - I engaged in dialogue with him. It wasn’t good - he sarcastically said “sorry you pushed me away so I had to leave you” when I commented that I find it annoying that my husband had decided to leave me during a pandemic, whilst I’m sat alone in a foreign country left to sort out all the shit.
He then rang me to chat and laughed (not mean laugh - his “affectionate” laugh) saying he could just imagine my cross face. I don’t find any of this funny. At all.
I keep trying to visualise a new beginning in the Uk. It’s just so hard to feel positive about it as I will miss him so much, miss his jokes, his goofiness, miss our life together (the good bits which were plentiful), and can’t see where I’ll be in the Uk as I don’t even know where I will be living or how I will make ends meet. So visualising a big unknown is hard, scary and not filling me with positivity.
I guess I need go try and focus on smaller stuff. Like being able to see my grandkids more and my children can come to me whenever they feel like it. That will be nice.

And i would just like to say I didn’t push him away, at all. His rewritten the history to suit his own narrative.

Poor you OP. But this is your reality:
he probably has someone else filling the void of me. Someone who is more subservient and ego boosting. He wouldn’t ditch me to sit on his own unless he had a better replacement.
There’s been many episodes in the last 3 years where I’ve discovered he’s been chasing after Filipino women. Somehow this has always been down to my fault.
When I first joined him overseas I discovered he’d been trying to get girls into bed. One of the reasons he quoted as us needing to split was because I had broken the trust by snooping. No responsibility. And yes I did snoop as I had so many alarm bells ringing

This is why you need to leave him. He's still manipulating and controlling you. Stop responding to him and answering his calls. Get your things packed up and shipped out and you on that plane as soon as is possible. He has actually done you a favour - imagine what would have happened if you'd followed him to a life of humiliation as he continues to cheat? I know you're devastated and still in shock but really, your grandchildren and family are not the small things in life. Being rid of a man who cheats and at the very least emotionally abuses you is a massive boost to your future sanity and wellbeing.

I hope you told him you wouldn’t be doing his packing because he ended it and he can deal with the consequences. Which include that he packs his own stuff or pays for someone else to do it.

Oh OP. This is so hard right now but it doesn't last long, at all. As soon as you get back to the UK and start putting together your building blocks you'll already be feeling a lot better.

Here's to a future without a cheating husband. You deserve better

I know it's hard but I would just try really hard to focus on what's immediate and right in front of you rather than looking too far ahead, the big picture is too much while things are so raw. I guess just try to do everything on 'autopilot' til you're home and can start to find your feet.

I'm so glad you have your family to come back to, you sound lovely and what he's done (or at least the way he's done it) is horrible, you deserve much better than someone who can treat you like that

You do know that you are entitled to half of everything he owns ?
Stop speaking to him, get your own things organized, & get home to your DC. Get a SHL, & go for the jugular

You do know that you are entitled to half of everything he owns ?

No she might be entitled to half of everything they BOTH own, depending on the law in the country where they live.

And it’s been a very short marriage and they have no dependent children.