Need a handhold - husband left and I’ve been stuck abroad

[Lizzie1503]

I’m feeling very fragile at the moment and could do with some support from you wise ladies.
I’ve been living overseas with my husband for the past couple of years. We were relocating when lock down started - I was stuck in one country, he’s in another. We have been married for 3 turbulent years. Friends have said he has been emotionally abusive - he says I’ve been abusive. I’m really confused - I’ve lost all self esteem, lost the ability to rationalise and am unable to figure out reality from fiction.
I stayed in this country during lockdown instead of repatriating as I thought I could get to him quicker with all our furniture and dogs - but within a couple of weeks of locking down he told me it was over.
It’s been really hard trying to come to terms with everything away from my family (kids, grandkids) but deep down I was also hoping we had time to sort out our differences and I could join him once borders open.
I’m now on a repatriation flight very soon. I have to sort out our stuff, half of it shipped to him, half to Uk. I need to rewrite my future. Find a rental property for me and the dogs, find a job. It’s all so scary and I struggle to sleep. I wake up from bad dreams thinking I can’t breathe, heart pounding then my mind goes whirring round. Or I’m dreaming I’m with him and it’s all ok - so I wake up as my mind is forcing me to stop pretending and face facts.
I know deep down the end of the relationship is best for me, but it’s so hard right now. The reasons he gave made no sense - quoting episodes but rewriting how they played out. I have historic emails/messages so when he blames me for things, I get a sense it’s wrong, I wouldn’t have said/done that (it’s not like me) and when I look at the messages it confirms he’s rewriting the past.
I now have 2 weeks before I fly back to Uk. I have so much to sort out and it’s painful splitting our stuff, sending it to him (in a flat I chose as I went and did the recki visit). I feel so alone with the responsibility of it, pressurised by the time frame and scared of the future.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here - I guess just a bit of a hand hold.

@Lizzie1503

He’s all chirpy and being “supportive” (text messages saying “you’ve had a hard day - are you ok?”...

whilst I’m sat alone in a foreign country left to sort out all the shit.
He then rang me to chat and laughed (not mean laugh - his “affectionate” laugh) saying he could just imagine my cross face. I don’t find any of this funny. At all.
He's realised that, even to a small degree, he needs to keep you sweet long enough to take care of his belongings, arrange for them to be packed and shipped etc. He is making you the person responsible for this but you don't have to accept this burden. And even then he just can't help himself from pulling your chain..

In your place I wouldn't bother, especially after the disgraceful and callous way he's treated you.

Friends have said he has been emotionally abusive - he says I’ve been abusive
Listen to your friends - they are far more likely to be right here, than him.

He is trying to gaslight you - recognise that, and don't left him get more under your skin than he has done. You have the proof in his emails, etc that he is lying to you.

Take a deep, slow breath OP (in fact, several). You CAN do this - and you have the support of your friends and children too. Let them help you.🌹