Getting DP to do more

[StrawberryDuck]

I've written on here before about my frustration at the lack of housework DP doesn't do. He claims to do a lot, but in reality will do the typical "half a job so she won't ask again". E.g. ask him to dust, he will take things off the surfaces, ornaments, candles whatever, put them down, wipe down the surface, then won't put any stuff back. Just leaves it sitting on the floor or wherever he dumped it. This is "so you can see that I've done the dusting", no use to me whatsoever because then I need to go behind him putting things back.
Or when asked to clean the bathroom, he will squirt bleach down the toilet and that will be it. He was actually staring at me in amazement a few weeks ago because I was cleaning the shower- "I didn't know that you did that....."

Anyway, after much frustration he told me that he doesn't know how to clean and if I were to write him a list, he would happily follow it. I refused because he is not a 5 year old kid, he's nearly 40. Why should I write a list??

However after venting my frustrations on here, I was told I was completely unreasonable. The poor man is asking me for help, he wants to try, why would I not be willing to make that compromise for the man I love?

So last night, I wrote him a list. It spans 3 pages but it's very basic (very Mrs Hinch!) It's pretty much idiot-proof and I even did little ticky boxes for him too.

Let's see how much he wants a list after this!!

@StrawberryDuck I was never taught either but I found it fairly obvious. Maybe I saw my mum do it occasionally, though she wasn't much into cleaning. I have ADHD and find keeping the place clean hard because I find it hard to motivate myself to do chores, but it's ok if I'm getting paid for it, I even had a few cleaning jobs.

I think motivating himself is more your DP's problem than genuinely not knowing how. Maybe he has ADHD but probably he's just a lazy arse, and you end up doing it, so he doesn't have to.

Good for you OP. In the past I have also found it helpful to provide a photo of what clean/tidy looks like!

I definitely saw my parents doing washing up, or maybe was shown, that's why I had my own way of doing it. My ex does it differently in that he doesn't rinse where I would've done a separate rinse. I found not rinsing a bit gross and often there's some food remnants on the plates, but I started to follow his method as it's easir. Then I have to clean the food remnants/smears when I get a plate out to use tho. Maybe I'll do a composite metod of tipping how water over the unrinsed stuff on the draining board.

I also think I must've seen how to clean a loo, as the amount of steps isn't necessarily intuitive IDK, though it's obvious where you can see aa patch that needs cleaning.

I have 'reactive untidiness' because my mother used to insist (all day Sunday was housework day) that I cleaned to her standards (which were never explained so I never lived up to them). If I'd hoover, somehow I wouldn't have done it 'properly'. Although she never told me what 'properly' was, and I swear it changed from week to week. If I dusted, there was always something I had missed or, again, not done 'properly'.

If she'd given me a printed out sheet showing what she expected of me, it would have been a great help and saved me from many slapped legs.

TwentyViginti you often don't know how useless men will be till too late. Among the many understandable reasons women put up with it, is because often they need the man's financial input to support themselves and their dc. Give those women enough money and they'd probably be out of there like a shot.

It shouldn't need saying, but we're not on a level playing fiend and it's rarely as simple as LTB (much as we wish it was).

Once all the dust's settled, as a single mum, the reduction in income is often the biggest loss. It's far too simplistic to say "don't put up with it".

Sorry for the rant, I'm having a grumpy day. Hope you get it sorted OP

People do have different standards though. I am not for a second agreeing that the OP's DP should be taught how to clean. However, as a single parent who has always worked full time, I have sometimes had a cleaner and at other times done the cleaning at weekends. As soon as DD was old enough to help, she did. She is extremely particular and I noticed that with certain tasks, for example hanging up the washing (of all things), she would quietly redo. She has gradually taken over most, although not all, of the vacuuming and dusting because it's very important to her that it meets her standards, and I'm used to getting it out of the way as quickly as possible. DD has not learned the "praise for effort" approach and will still say that I haven't done something quite right ...

LightenUpSummer while I agree it can be hard for women with DC to leave these men, a lot of heartache could be avoided by due diligence before embarking on living with someone - or shortly after - and before planning DC.

Attitudes towards housekeeping/cooking/shopping can be ascertained fairly easily.