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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Getting DP to do more

35 replies

StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 09:57

I've written on here before about my frustration at the lack of housework DP doesn't do. He claims to do a lot, but in reality will do the typical "half a job so she won't ask again". E.g. ask him to dust, he will take things off the surfaces, ornaments, candles whatever, put them down, wipe down the surface, then won't put any stuff back. Just leaves it sitting on the floor or wherever he dumped it. This is "so you can see that I've done the dusting", no use to me whatsoever because then I need to go behind him putting things back.
Or when asked to clean the bathroom, he will squirt bleach down the toilet and that will be it. He was actually staring at me in amazement a few weeks ago because I was cleaning the shower- "I didn't know that you did that....."

Anyway, after much frustration he told me that he doesn't know how to clean and if I were to write him a list, he would happily follow it. I refused because he is not a 5 year old kid, he's nearly 40. Why should I write a list??

However after venting my frustrations on here, I was told I was completely unreasonable. The poor man is asking me for help, he wants to try, why would I not be willing to make that compromise for the man I love?

So last night, I wrote him a list. It spans 3 pages but it's very basic (very Mrs Hinch!) It's pretty much idiot-proof and I even did little ticky boxes for him too. Grin

Let's see how much he wants a list after this!!

Getting DP to do more
OP posts:
StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 09:59

Also, not being cruel. Just a standard surface clean, not a deep clean! I've left the list next to his coffee cup so he'll see it when he wakes up Grin

OP posts:
beautifulmonument · 04/06/2020 09:59

Do you do all that every week? Shock

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 10:03

Blimey! I doubt I do that much housework in a year! Shock Grin

StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 10:06

That's the general pattern I follow on a Thursday evening (so I can then do nothing all weekend!) It looks like a lot but that's because I've (deliberately) spaced it all out and made it looks like lots. Grin

It's just simple things like dusting, wiping down the bathroom, wiping down the kitchen, hoovering, mopping.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 04/06/2020 10:12

I like this. He wanted the list, he got it Smile now you can brandish it at him everytime he sits down Grin

Sparklfairy · 04/06/2020 10:13

Although I see you've missed something vital re dusting. It needs to be followed in bold caps PUT EVERYTHING BACK

StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 10:15

Sparklfairy precisely! Grin unfortunately I'm at work this morning so not able to see his initial reaction.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/06/2020 10:16

Um, why do you go behind and put things back? Why not say - I can see you did the dusting, congratulations, now put stuff back.

StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 10:17

I've already had stern words about not putting things back, so decided not to include it. I wouldn't want to infantilise him too much Hmm

OP posts:
StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 10:18

category12 I have started doing this recently.
"Why is my tea light holder on the floor?"
"Because I dusted"
"........."

OP posts:
category12 · 04/06/2020 10:20

Maybe get him some reward stickers Grin

TooTiredTodayOk · 04/06/2020 10:22

Urgh, I didn't see your other thread but think my ovaries would shrivel up and my vagina would clamp shut if I had to write a list like this for my husband, a grown man.

Does he not have access to the internet to look this stuff up? Who wrote a list for you when you learned to clean?

Are you doing a reward chart too, with stickers?

StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 10:24

category12
I hope he never sees my Amazon browsing history because this did cross my mind!
(He has a history of "I did x,y,z for you" and me asking if he wanted a medal for picking up after himself)

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 04/06/2020 10:24

My brother is like your DP. If by some miracle you could get him to do anything (when we both lived at home) it was a half arsed job. My DM inevitably would get me to finish it and do it going forward Angry He's now moved away with his girlfriend who is made of strong stuff so I doubt she lets him get away with this shit either. Must be a shock to his system Grin winds me up though that men think they can wriggle out of basic domestic tasks.

Interestedwoman · 04/06/2020 10:41

This may not need saying, but I pronounce his not knowing what to do as bullshit. I'm not an expert at housework but I think everyone knows what we're supposed to do in theory, even men.

Anyone looking at a bathroom can see there are more things to clean in there than the loo, and everyone knows a basic technique of cleaning-- spray and wipe or whatever, and can just do that round the different areas/things.

Well done on your list- he can't get out of it now.

I think your standards are quite high in terms of how often you dust btw.

Are you doing a reward chart too, with stickers?

@TooTiredTodayOk As it's like pulling teeth getting him to do it, maybe he could get a Chupa-chup. Probably showing my age there. Smile

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 10:44

@StrawberryDuck

category12 I hope he never sees my Amazon browsing history because this did cross my mind! (He has a history of "I did x,y,z for you" and me asking if he wanted a medal for picking up after himself)
Ah, so he definitely sees any housework as your domain and he's doing you a huge favour by dealing with his own stuff and picking up after himself?
StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 11:04

Interestedwoman Its not so much dusting as just wiping the dog hair off all the surfaces. It seems to get everywhere!

He claims not to know how to do housework because he was never taught how to. I pointed out to him that I was never taught either, my parents didn't teach me any of that stuff. I had to learn entirely by myself once they kicked me out. It did take a few years, mind. I did live in a shithole for a while. Grin

I mentioned this on my previous MN post but was told that it was my job to teach him how...

He went from mummy's house straight to living with me so he's never had to learn. -and never had much desire to either

OP posts:
StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 12:02

So, its midday, he would have been up for around 3 hours now. I've not heard a peep out of him all day, which is unusual.

I may need to scrape him up off the floor when I get home Grin

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/06/2020 12:05

Why should it be your job to teach him how to be a competent adult? Nothing attractive about this

ChubbyPigeon · 04/06/2020 12:11

I had an ex who 'couldnt clean'

I wrote him a list. It was very very basic.

Shockingly he still 'couldnt clean'

He also did exactly as your DH, everything was a half arsed job. Although as he never actually picked up a duster I didnt come home to all the ornaments on the floor!

Greta1985 · 04/06/2020 12:11

I love the smiley face, so passive aggressive I would definitely do that :) please let us know his reaction! I hope our generation stop pandering to men like our mothers did so women in the future don’t have to put up with this shit!

StrawberryDuck · 04/06/2020 12:12

Shoxfordian That's what I said in my MN post but apparently I was being unnecessarily difficult and why wouldn't I just do this one thing for him....? Hmm

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/06/2020 12:24

Don't think I saw your other post but you shouldn't need to teach a grown man how to do basic things. He basically doesn't want to do it so he does a halfarsed job so you don't ask him again.

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 12:34

@Greta1985

I love the smiley face, so passive aggressive I would definitely do that :) please let us know his reaction! I hope our generation stop pandering to men like our mothers did so women in the future don’t have to put up with this shit!
Woah! I'm in my 60s and NEVER put up with this shit! it saddens me how many posts on MN are from young women living with useless, entitled manchildren.
RedskyAtnight · 04/06/2020 12:45

Anyone looking at a bathroom can see there are more things to clean in there than the loo

When I was a child the, bathroom was never cleaned other than my dad occasionally (once every year or so) squiring bleach down the toilet. A bit of water did get swilled round the bath/basin if it looked too grimy.

When I moved into a shared house as an adult, my housemates insisted on a cleaning rota. Then they had to explain to me that hoovering didn't just mean the bit of carpet in the middle of the room, there was more to cleaning the kitchen than wiping down the main bit of the work surface, dusting included the tops of bookcases that no one saw and, yes, bathrooms did need cleaning.

So, no, I don't think it is obvious that things need cleaning if you've been brought up in a house where they weren't.