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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He dumped me & I’m pregnant

42 replies

Whattodo987 · 04/06/2020 06:21

I have posted before but my boyfriend is a compulsive liar and whilst I know I’m better off without I was still willing to work on things with him because I stupidly loved him so much.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned but we were both so happy about it. Then a few days ago he just told me that this is all too much and that he doesn’t want any of it. That was after a perfect day where we’d been house hunting and we’re both so excited about our future together. I’ve felt he thought that way the whole relationship but as he’s such a liar he has never been honest with me about anything. We slept together last night and he told me I’m so beautiful and he can’t ever be without me. I woke up this morning so happy and gave him a cuddle and instead of being nice back he just told me it was over.

The worst thing is he is blaming everything on me and saying how he didn’t know I was so volatile because I have depression - thing is I’m fine but he has treated me poorly so I’m not exactly going to be happy all the time.

Now I’m pregnant with his child and have my other lovely children in his home that adore him and his child. They have been dreaming of us all being a little family - they don’t know I’m pregnant - they will be devastated.

I now need to pack and start over. I don’t even know what to do. Do I have a baby alone? He told me he wants to be involved but tbh I don’t want him to be - and I don’t say that lightly as my other children have involvement from their dad. But his family are nasty, and he is also someone that had I known who he truly is I wouldn’t have been with him.

He has completely destroyed my life. I’m in shock and right now need to pack what little I can and run away from this nightmare. I’m terrified of raising a baby alone but also I’d hate to abort when I actually wanted one more baby. Anyone who has raised a baby alone please give me some support x

OP posts:

beenwhereyouare · 04/06/2020 06:29

I didn't, but my mother did, and I think we turned out okay. Your kids and you will be, too. I'm sorry he's done this to you.

category12 · 04/06/2020 06:30

Practically speaking, if you already have dc, you need to think about whether you will be doing the right thing by them.

Do you have somewhere to go with the dc?

DrKnickerbocker9 · 04/06/2020 06:45

My DS1s DF left when I was pregnant too. Best thing he could have done. I was a single mother for 4 years until DP came along. We now all live together with DS2 as well. DS1 is now 6 and isn’t bothered about not having his F in his life.

Original poster

Whattodo987 · 04/06/2020 07:05

Glad to hear that.

Yes my parents have said I can come back with them. My children would be ecstatic if they find out I’m pregnant and tbh would be brilliant older siblings and would help me. I just feel so sad to not have a “normal” family home and setup. But if it’s healthier being like this then that’s fine.

The dc I already have are not his. They have a great relationship with their dad and we split 6 years ago. I just don’t think I could give this child access to this man, which saddens me. But I guess other children don’t know their fathers and turn out alright.

OP posts:

category12 · 04/06/2020 07:11

It doesn't sound a great situation to have another child, and your current dc being "ecstatic" about having a sibling seems overbaked.

How many dc do you have? How old are they? How old are you? Are you working? Where will you live long-term?

JacobReesMogadishu · 04/06/2020 07:21

If he wants to be involved you won’t be able to stop him. So do consider that if you have the baby you may well have to have some form of contact with him for the next 18 years.

LastRoloIsMine · 04/06/2020 07:31

I am sorry OP.

This man has treated you unkindly and you need to step away.
Move back with your family and take a little time before you make any life changing decisions.

I know you feel you dont want him involved with the baby but that's really not your choice. You need to understand that should he choose to he can be involved with the baby and unless there are risks to the child a court is likely to agree with him.

Dealing with a break up is hard enough but add pregnancy in to the mix and it seems impossible but it's really not. You have to do what's best for you and your children. You will be ok.

Original poster

Whattodo987 · 04/06/2020 07:48

He has been physically aggressive towards me so no i do not want him involved with this child.

and why does my kids being ecstatic sound "overbaked"? They have been wanting a sibling for a long time and love the family unit we had and have been asking for the last year if we could have a baby so they could have another sibling.

OP posts:

roxfox · 04/06/2020 07:53

Bit odd that you were house hunting and cuddling him last night but now think you couldn't bare him to have access to the child.
Are you punishing him because he is ending things with you?

All sounds a bit mental but good luck with it all anyway

AnnaNimmity · 04/06/2020 08:01

It didn't sound a great relationship to bring a child into anyway tbh - why did you think it would be? He was violent towards you, a compulsive liar,

you won't be able to keep the father away from the child if he wants access, so perhaps think that he will be in your life for the next 18 years or so. Do you want that? Do you really want a violent man in your and your children's lives for the next 18 years? A compulsive liar? And then put your existing children first, and decide whether it's really for the best for them. Let your head make this decision - what will your living arrangements be, can you afford it. ?

I had my last baby alone and it was tough on a practical level. No help, exhausting and I had my other children to look after.

I subsequently got pregnant with a new boyfriend and although he was desperate for me to keep the baby, I made the decision not to for the sake of my other children.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 04/06/2020 08:02

Your post doesn’t make sense to me.

Like someone else said. You woke up so happy and had a perfect day and were house hunting.

Yet he is physically abusive, a liar and not someone who you want to have access to a baby. Yet you are letting your children live with him and witness this?!

Get out now, don’t have a baby and get some therapy as to why you went along with it and it took him to break up with you to see. You are having a lucky escape.

category12 · 04/06/2020 08:11

Overbaked because children often think they want a sibling, but they don't really understand the effect it has on the dynamics, and the costs, and the fatigue. Mummy being constantly engaged with the baby wears thin, and there are jealousies, and "helping" becomes a drag, and the sibling is annoying and boring and in the way and stops you doing things.

Of course there are plus sides to having siblings but it's no good having rose coloured spectacles and idealising it, and I think it's a bit concerning that you're already anticipating your dc helping you with the baby.

thethoughtfox · 04/06/2020 08:26

^^ This. If this child is wanted by you, then that is your decision. If you are financially secure and have excess time and energy to give, this may not adversely affect your existing children. But don't kid yourself that your children naively hoping for a sibling is a reason to have a child with an aggressive man.

LastRoloIsMine · 04/06/2020 08:27

He has been physically aggressive towards me so no i do not want him involved with this child.

Then the end of the relationship is the best thing!

I hate that this is a fact but even men who are violent towards women still get access to their child in a majority of cases especially if their is no documented evidence of DV.

This is why you need to move out and think very hard about your next steps.
It's very likely he WILL be allowed child access.

Bahahahha · 04/06/2020 08:33

You have to think about your existing kids first and to be honest it sounds a toxic situation for your kids to be involved in, get them out of it .

Think about the financial side career side, and prospects of raising your newborn and existing children alone.

To be honest in your shoes I would have a termination.

AmaranthineWisteria · 04/06/2020 08:51

@Bahahahha

You have to think about your existing kids first and to be honest it sounds a toxic situation for your kids to be involved in, get them out of it .

Think about the financial side career side, and prospects of raising your newborn and existing children alone.

To be honest in your shoes I would have a termination.

I agree with this advice. Think about how complicated this could masker your life in the future. There’s nothing stopping you from having another baby with someone kinder later.

AmaranthineWisteria · 04/06/2020 08:52

*make

AJPTaylor · 04/06/2020 09:09

It's a personal decision but this pregnancy will become his baby and you could potentially be tied to him for the rest of your life. His toxic family linked to you and yours.
How will you support your children and this child?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 04/06/2020 09:24

It's your decision, but I'm concerned that you are still at risk of being messed around by this man. Yesterday everything was "perfect", you were happy to buy a house and combine your families, woke up cuddling, etc. Now this morning you admit you wouldn't even want him to see the baby because of his history of violence, that he is a liar, and you want him out of your life.

Be honest with yourself - are you really done with him? If he came back, promising to change and begging for another chance, would you roll over and take him back? I worry that you would - you'd justify it as "owing it to the baby to have a chance at a proper family" and saying that your existing kids "adore" him and miss him, etc. and you'd let this violent, untrustworthy man back into your life and the whole messy cycle would start again.

Are you really done with this guy, OP? Or are you just venting and getting validation from us that he's the bad guy, whilst having no intention of actually moving on from this toxic mess of a relationship?

TheStuffedPenguin · 04/06/2020 09:39

You don't have a house and you would have to go and live at your parents with your other ( how many?) children ? Do you have a job ? How old are you ? The last thing you need in your life is another child . The responsibility for what you have should be your priority . It's all a mess.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2020 09:42

How far along are you op? In the circumstances I'd at least think about options. You don't want to tie yourself to a shady, flaky liar for the next 18 years.

BecomingMe · 04/06/2020 09:45

I don’t think you should be relying on the fact that your children can help you if you have this baby.

I also don’t get how everything was perfect last night, you are living with him with your children, they adore him and yet he is physically aggressive towards you and you don’t want him near the baby.

As he appears to have ended it, maybe you will have more clarity when you move out.

Dery · 04/06/2020 09:49

"It's your decision, but I'm concerned that you are still at risk of being messed around by this man. Yesterday everything was "perfect", you were happy to buy a house and combine your families, woke up cuddling, etc. Now this morning you admit you wouldn't even want him to see the baby because of his history of violence, that he is a liar, and you want him out of your life."

This.

@Whattodo987 from your posts it sound like you have been living in an abusive situation and that has interfered with your ability to think straight. Which is quite normal and is one of the most insidious by-products of abuse because the victim then looks flaky (at the very least) and it becomes easier for the abuser to abuse their victim and persuade the outside world that any difficulties lie with the victim.

It's typical of abusers to lovebomb their partners when they're not treating them like utter sh1t and the ecstasy/misery cycle becomes addictive - probably to both parties. The abused party desperately clings on to any validation that the abuser tosses their way and the abuser at some level probably realises they have to behave extra nice because they have behaved so nastily in the meantime. My DH has never lovebombed me - he doesn't have to. He's never treated me like sh1t either.

If this man is abusive, you should not be living with him and your DC should not be living with him as they will be learning that abuse is normal in a relationship and may well replicate it in their own relationships. You also cannot have a baby because your DC want one. My younger DD would love us to have a third. That's not a reason.

As PP have said, the reality is that he will almost certainly be granted access despite the domestic violence. So if you have this baby and he wants access, you will continue to have him in your life. You have to decide whether, from a practical perspective, you can raise this baby alone and whether you can face having him in your and your DC's life if he decides he wants to be involved. And then proceed accordingly.

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 09:51

He's been physically aggressive? You think having a physically aggressive man in your DC's lives is being a 'normal' family?

Babdoc · 04/06/2020 09:54

OP, I think you need to be more realistic about the problems of single parenthood, the risk of your own mental health relapsing during or after the pregnancy, the needs of your existing children and the stress of bringing yet another baby back to live with your parents. If you are not too far along, a termination would be a much more sensible option.
You have already said you wouldn’t want the father involved - so why bring yet another child into this overpopulated world to add to your own, the environment, and society’s burden?

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