ADHD - help

[ChaoticMinds]

Posted this on SN too but more traffic here.

I think me and my 2 kids all have ADHD - my son (6) the impulsive type, my daughter (8) the inattentive type and I seem to be the combined type.

Problem is - nobody believes me. Neither of them have any difficulties at school that make the teachers think they need a diagnosis. At parents evenings I get told that they are well-behaved and bright (except he can't sit still and she sometimes misses instructions because of daydreaming but they consider these minor, normal child type things).

I'm very happy that they're doing so well at school. At home things are chaotic, quite a large part of that is down to me, I feel. I can't seem to organise us into a routine, our house is always a tip, they don't listen to me so I often end up losing my rag, I give ultimatums and then forget to see them through. I'm a single parent so it's just the 3 of us.

Luckily we have a close relationship and we're all extremely forgiving. We can be screaming at each other at 10:00 and laughing and cuddling at 10:10. I'd rather be on a more even keel though!

Any tips?

In the nicest possible way the problem is not adhd it's your home environment.

I'm not saying this to be mean but because its true. Ahdh is extremely obvious in a school setting and would be picked up by the school, 6 year olds fidget and 8 year olds daydream, this is common and on its own doesn't mean that they have adhd.
The fact that you only have problems at home and have a very chaotic home points clearly to the problem being with the home. Children thrive on simple consistent boundaries and rules, but most of all they need routine and a calm environment.
You are creating a rod for your own back by not following through with punishment and can already see the consequences (dc ignoring you) .
You say that you have difficulty with routine could you try a wall chart with each day planned out for you and maybe your DC.

My DD is nearly 18 and has an informal diagnosis of ADHD - she wouldn’t comply with the assessments or any other intervention and to be honest, I made the decision that even forcing her through it all would really not benefit her as all she would have is just a formal diagnosis, nothing else!

It’s not like someone is going to come into your house and give you an entire overhaul or you wake up the next day and everything is fixed - even with someone believing you, very little would happen or change and medication has its own side effects and issues if that’s what you would want to consider, its a big step medicating DC who are seemingly managing at school

Unless you can get a private assessment think you are best putting your energy for the time being into all of the strategies you can use to try to make positive changes to your lives which is what you would be advised to do anyway. Ask whether there are any parenting classes locally you can attend as you may benefit from their strategies

I think I mean my post to mean - stop focusing on the cause as much as what you can do to help yourself. Hard as that is, you can work together as a family team to try to communicate better and become more organised. Diagnosis or no diagnosis

I understand that our difficulties are because of our home environment - I said that in my op. Whether the kids have ADHD or not, I think that at the very least, I do - and this is why I'm having such difficulty.

I have tried for 8 years now to become a calmer, more organised parent. Anything I try, I either forget to see through, forget I started it in the first place, give up on, or fall at the first hurdle. Wall charts etc are useless. Honestly, I've tried all the usual parenting strategies, read endless books. I feel like a complete failure.

When I read about adult female ADHD I tick every box. I don't know if medication would help me parent more effectively but I'd be willing to try anything.

Oh and masking at school does happen. It doesn't necessarily mean that ADHD isn't present.

I think what others mean is yes even say you and/or the kids do have ADHD then it's still going to be up to sort things out. So yes look a strategies to help yourself. If you find that in a book about ADHD then that's fine.

You know what hasn't worked, so start to sort it out. Wouldn't a post be better on what you need help with at home? Can you walk away to another room if you feel your anger building?

You can spend all your time and energy trying to get a diagnosis or you can use that energy to do the best you can now. You can get some counselling maybe, engage with some family services, go on classes, read about adult ADHD strategies. You can do all of those things without a piece of paper. I am not even sure that there are any resources in the NHS for adults with ADHD, I work in the NHS and I don’t know of any where I am. I am not sure what doors it would unlock.

Medication has side effects, it’s also not a magic answer. Go back to your GP and ask what help is available for you. Ask the school what help is available for your family. Get in touch with charities and organisations about ADHD there is nothing stopping you doing this either

This has a lot of links on it

www.ukadhd.com/support-groups.htm

From experience with my own DD, it is not something that is easy to get a diagnosis of, and little support but other therapy can help for anxiety or learning strategies to support yourselves. Your home life may not improve dramatically either way but you can take steps to try to learn to control your emotions and reactions through therapy maybe? Have you tried your local MIND?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/adhd-and-mental-health/

When I say I don’t know of any, therapy like CBT is often useful.
Maybe with some therapy you would have something more to tell your GP when you next go back to try access mental health services where you can get medication.
You probably need to be very clear about how it is impacting your life and what you want to change. Not that you want a diagnosis of something

Thanks @Menora which family services do you mean?

If you see your GP they may refer you personally for an assessment. If you get a diagnosis, it might make it easier for your kids to then get a diagnosis too.

Otherwise, I would see a private consultant as some of them specialize/favour it and would be more likely to give the diagnosis. You need only go for a while and you can prioritize it so it's not unattainable financially (I'm unable to work through disability and I did it using my disability payments.) I'm in my early 40s so they relied less on school stuff.

I got good results at school/uni most of the time, but performance was patchy and finishing A-levels and uni took me a few years longer than others as I kept having to drop in and out. Socially I always struggled (coming out with weird stuff; I also have autistic traits.)

People can do well at school with ADHD with a lot of parental encouragement and natural intelligence etc, but they will still have issues like teachers might think they're not putting enough effort in when they are trying, or the other issues you describe that can make their performance or relationship with teachers less good than it would otherwise be.

Once you have a private diagnosis, you should find it easier to get one on the NHS.

I didn't find medication that helpful on its own. On the NHS (I've got a diagnosis but am on the waiting list to start meds) they apparently give you lots of pointers to organize yourself at the same time as meds, which can make the results of both easier.

When it comes to tactics, you might find some better than others and be able to keep them up. You can do some of it without meds. I have a little notebook in my bag, where I write things I need to remember, and that helps.

Your feeling that you can't do anything about it might be due to your ADHD itself- low self esteem from experiences you've had, or the condition itself and its effect of mood dysregulation.

This is a book the NHS recommended to me- www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1641522720?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 even if you only take up one or two tactics out of the range described, it can help. If you've read this one before then try having another read, and take notes if you can.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Let seeing yourself as having the condition help you forgive yourself when you struggle, as it helps you acknowledge you don't start on a level playing field to everyone else, and all you can do is try your best, and forgive yourself. Best wishes xxx

Does the school have any parenting support? They often work with organisations like family support charities etc who can help families who are struggling. Look on the school website or email them

You can spend all your time and energy trying to get a diagnosis or you can use that energy to do the best you can now.

@Menora It's not an either/or of course; both can be done and both can be helpful.

I think it’s about mindset.

If you say to yourself well no one believes me and there is no help for me so I am giving up, then you aren’t going to make yourself very happy. All of your energy is wasted on the wrong thing. My DD wants everyone to give her something to help because doing things for herself is a lot of extra effort

If you say well I think a diagnosis would benefit me, but also in the meantime I am going to do XYZ to try to support myself and the family then this is using your energy in a more beneficial way

I understand @menora but I've been trying to put my energy into improving things for 8 years and the result is that I feel shit about myself because I can't seem to make sustainable change. I'm not a defeatist person AT ALL, I wake up every morning with a really positive attitude (except maybe 1 or 2 down days when I'm pms-ing!) but things seem to overwhelm me so easily. I honestly don't know how the rest of the world manage life.

Last year I was a support worker for an autistic mum with 4 kids all with various diagnoses. I walked in on the first day and thought, this is more familiar to me than any other home/family I've ever had contact with. It really confirmed to me that I needed support.

@interestedwoman that was a really nice message, thank you. What is your diagnosis and what pushed you to get it? What strategies work for you, particularly as a parent, if you're a parent that is?

I have put links on this thread that can be found in seconds. Support for parents is out there, you have to look for it though.

When you do all the reading about the traits and signs of ADHD, the second part of your research needs to be on the strategies given to people with ADHD. Not the normal parenting strategies.

I find my DD wants someone (me) to come along and make things better for her because the effort involved in doing it herself is too much overwhelming and she can be defeatist. Also she tries the same strategies that didn’t work the last time, then it’s disappointed when they don’t work again. I also think she can have unrealistic expectations of what is possible. She will plan a complete life overhaul instead of just tackling one small area. I also understand she has little motivation to keep trying things she knows she will fail at, so easier to give up. But I also know that along with her true difficulties, she also often makes conscious choices and ignores the voice in her head that gives her a warning, you know the one that says ‘oh I just remembered that and I should have done it...’ instead of then doing it, she will ignore it and move on to something else. She doesn’t take responsibility for the things she knows she should have done.

What worked for us was having a daily routine that was very predictable and reliable. You can use alarms. You can use white boards. You can use wall planners. Not books.

Also you have to make yourself go back and do the things you do remember to don’t take the easy option of ‘doing it tomorrow’ and you might need to fight that impulse to brush things aside and start again fresh the next day. You also need to start small not big. If your house is a tip, don’t wake up tomorrow and vow to clean it all you will be disappointed it doesn’t happen. You need to have a plan of clearing one room at a time. You might need to set alarms to keep you on track with little projects like that. And when you feel the urge to sack off the project you set yourself, you need to keep reminding yourself of the overall outcome goal and example you are setting the DC.

Note books

Can I ask OP, when you put new strategies in place how many do you start all at the same time? It just sounds so familiar to me (awaiting ADHD assessment at moment at my GP's suggestion) at 51 after a lifetime of chaos and anger at myself.

I'd frequently decide it's all going to change, and jump out of bed all determined. But within days chaos reigned again and I was dishearted again. And repeat.

Until I realised I was trying to make too many changes at the same time. My brain would blow a fuse and nothing stuck. The more haste less speed saying was made for me. I want EVERYTHING to happen asap, and instead nothing happens.

So I tried one small step at a time - like remembering to put my keys in the same place every day. Just that. Nothing else new! It takes 30 days of consciousness action to create a habit seemingly. Once that stuck, I moved on to another small step. Often with a note on the inside of the front door to remind me (such as "check everything is in the correct bag pocket before leaving house").

One small step at a time! Slowly! Roman wasn't built in a day etc etc etc!

My debit card is nearly out of date and I'm thrilled. This is a major achievement! Don't think I've keep hold of one for more than 6 months before!

OP I feel for you - I am going to recommend a podcast called ADHD rewired - it's an American guy that does it and it is excellent. It will help you before you get diagnosed and after, medicated or not! I get extremely frustrated when people think that it's a question of being undisciplined, disorganised, lazy, etc. etc. Unless someone actually lives with it, they have no idea what hell it is. The ADHD brain is wired differently, it shows up on brain activity scans. If you are ticking all the boxes the chances you have it are very high. Do not beat yourself up and take baby steps to cope. Start with the podcast and other books specifically geared toward adult ADHDers. And yes, as it is a genetic anomaly, it does run in families - I've got it, so does one of my brothers, and both of my sisters.

"i'm not saying this to be mean but because its true. Ahdh is extremely obvious in a school setting and would be picked up by the school"

Well that's simply not true. ADHD is often missed during school years, which is why many people don't get diagnosed until adulthood.

My son has Aspergers and ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until he was 13 partly because his primary school kept downplaying the difficulties he was having.

Menora your daughter sounds very like me 😆

Ok, I'll give a couple of examples of what I mean because I really feel I can't cope with the most basic of life skills.

Pre-lockdown I would get up at 7 to make sure I could have a brew in peace (I find the children's noise really distracting so this is v important to me) but often I might start reading something and then look up and suddenly it's 8.30 and my kids are still in bed and then I have 15 mins to get them ready and out and I end up losing the plot and running around and inevitably getting them to school late and me turning up to work unwashed and unfed! I did eventually solve this by setting daily alarms for 8 and then every 10 mins.

Or just now for example, I put sausages in the oven and started reading one of Menora's links. Next thing I know the sausages are burned and I have no other food in the house and I say to my kids we have to go to Asda because I burned the dinner and then my daughter has a meltdown and my son gets really angry and refuses to leave the house.

I totally agree with everything @PixelatedLunchbox said. I love ADHD reWired. Definitely check that out. There's loads of practical tips but also just a lot of validation.

Definitely go to your GP to ask about a diagnosis for yourself. You may find that if you are helped then your children manage better as you are able to have more of a routine at home.

Please ignore @Menora. I appreciate she has a daughter with ADHD but you can hear from her posts and the whole tone which is quite blaming, that she doesn't understand ADHD very well at all. Common for NTs. It really isn't as simple as having a bit of will power and not being so "defeatist". It's quite hard not to be defeatist when you find managing your life so difficult and others find it very easy. Inconsistency also goes hand in hand with ADHD. And over planning (ie the I'm going to change my whole life thing!!) is also very common. Also procrastination is a classic symptom (my worse one). It's not just a case of having more willpower to just "do it when you think of it". If it were that easy it wouldn't be a bloody condition!!. It really isn't as easy as adopting a few strategies and if you go. Strategies help of course they do but even with strategies you still have ADHD.

Medication has been dismissed on here but a lot of people with ADHD find medication life changing, although it can be difficult to get the correct meds and dose. But certainly don't rule it out.

My partner has ADHD and I agree with the "wakes up with the best of intentions to fix EVERYTHING at once, then gets disheartened" model. He had much greater success when he picks one thing to focus on.

He also (and forgive me it this doesn't apply to you) have a very love-hate relationship with his ADHD - on the one hand, he wishes he could deal with things in the way that neuro typical people do (which he perceives as being easy or non-boring for them/me) but on the other, he views his chaotic, spontaneous, unreliable nature as being part of his personality , and is reluctant to do anything that might threaten that.

If I'm honest, I see a bit of that in your post. You view your family life as loving and spontaneously affectionate - is there part of you that is scared of becoming "boring and normal"? If so, that will hold you back. And it's not accurate - having a routine that takes care of the basics frees you up to be more liberated, not less.

Time blindness is a real issue. This happens to me all the time vi have to be super focussed to make sure I don't lose track of time and suddenly find myself late or with no time left. And I can't keep up that level of focus all the time, it's exhausting!

First rule of adhd cooking is nothing gets put on without a loud alarm being set! I set alarms for stirring, alarms for turning, etc. But first train yourself that alarms have to be immediately acted on!

None of us can afford the new saucepan required when adhd cooking! Even baked beans burst into flames if you forget them for long enough.