ADHD - help

[ChaoticMinds]

Posted this on SN too but more traffic here.

I think me and my 2 kids all have ADHD - my son (6) the impulsive type, my daughter (8) the inattentive type and I seem to be the combined type.

Problem is - nobody believes me. Neither of them have any difficulties at school that make the teachers think they need a diagnosis. At parents evenings I get told that they are well-behaved and bright (except he can't sit still and she sometimes misses instructions because of daydreaming but they consider these minor, normal child type things).

I'm very happy that they're doing so well at school. At home things are chaotic, quite a large part of that is down to me, I feel. I can't seem to organise us into a routine, our house is always a tip, they don't listen to me so I often end up losing my rag, I give ultimatums and then forget to see them through. I'm a single parent so it's just the 3 of us.

Luckily we have a close relationship and we're all extremely forgiving. We can be screaming at each other at 10:00 and laughing and cuddling at 10:10. I'd rather be on a more even keel though!

Any tips?

Other things that don't seem normal to me - I forget to eat regularly (I often don't feel hunger until it's too late) and then suddenly my blood sugar is really low and I'm shakey.

I'm really impulsive, I blurt things out without thinking. I feel this impacts my relationships with people. I then have to backtrack, apologise, make amends etc.

Over planning has been a big challenge but I do feel I'm overcoming this one by breaking things down into portions and doing them one at a time. E.g. on Monday this week I cleaned just my living room and yesterday I cleaned just my kitchen.

I would also recommend the Facebook group Adult ADHD UK. Lots of like minded people which is amazing - validating and makes you feel less like a useless person who can't cope with normal ice! Also lots of helpful advice about pursuing a diagnosis. There can be long waiting lists to get an NHS diagnosis but they can advise on how you can use your right to choose to select a private practitioner and you will be seen much more quickly.

I suspect my daughter is borderline adhd. Last year in school senco observed her and made a referral. When this was observed this school year there were no major issues - difference - a more structured teacher so in her case definitely her surroundings play a major part in her behaviour. She needs a structured routine and things to be in small chunks otherwise she feels overwhelmed. I went to a talk by a person with adult adhd and it is small things and routine. So he would always forget if he had swiped his oyster on a bus. So his routine became right pocket before swiping - left pocket after for example. He built small things in to help.

Well done on the breaking things down into manageable chunks, that can really help get started and get finished!! Nothing worse than straying a big cleaning job, getting to the halfway part when it's worse than when you started and losing the will to finish it! I have made that mistake so many times I avoid doing that whenever possible!

Have to go now. Meant to be doing jobs and was distracted by Mumsnet when I picked my phone to out on music!!

I am probably am defeatist. DD is now a few months from being an adult and I’m not always going to be there to tell her what to do or how to do it and the chaos is tiring.

She can find it empowering to find things that do work for her though, and I honestly think part of taking hold of any difficulties is to not take the blame (there is no blame), but the responsibility of leading yourself in a good direction and acknowledge that there are not always going to be sudden fixes. I wish there was - it’s hard work!

Ah thank you so much for all your replies, I feel validated knowing other people find the same things difficult as I do.

Don't worry Menora I'm taking on board what you're saying and do agree with a lot of it. I can see that it's very frustrating to live with - my kids get frustrated with me (mum you never filled in my reward chart!) and I get frustrated with them (I've asked you to get dressed 5 times now and you're still rolling around on the floor!)

@finewordsforaporcupine yes I do like the spontaneous, affectionate and quirky side of us all and would hate to lose that but at the same time I'd really like to learn how to be better organised and more consistent.

@thingsdogetbetter I did used to start lots of new strategies at once then quickly become defeated but I've knocked that one on the head - by not starting anything at all! I tend to go from extreme to extreme.

@pixelatedlunchbox and @minimum97 thanks for the recommendations I'm going to look into them now

Another example of a challenge we have every single day in this house - tooth brushing. It's part of our daily routine, obviously, the kids know when they're expected to do it and why. I am physically with them in the bathroom, I brush my teeth at the same time. Yet it turns into maybe 20 mins of fighting and crying, sometimes more. I'm not sure what I can possibly do differently. I've tried the 123 magic strategy, tried withholding privileges, coaxing and bribing, explaining what happens if we don't brush teeth, singing a toothbrushing song, stickers/rewards, pinning down and brushing them myself, I've cried in front of them when it's got too wearing and still no progress!

Re tooth brushing. I would try ignoring. Tell them we are not leaving bathroom until toothbrushing done and you are not entering into a discussion about it. Close the door. Sit and ignore them until complete. Don’t say anything after explaining what’s going to happen clearly. Face the wall if needed. You need to be firm and ignoring the wailing and crying. They are not in any harm, they need to brush their teeth. They need to understand it’s non-negotiable and you are not going to bend on this. After a few days of hideousness they will realise you can’t be manipulated and they will start just doing it.

Ok I will try that tonight. My son's capacity for stubbornness is mind blowing so I'll time how long I'm in there for 😂

Realised we hadn't done morning teeth so tried this and basically to cut a long story short he got physical! Kept launching himself into me (I was sat with my back against the door)

When I was a child I used to go to extraordinary lengths to avoid brushing my teeth. It was a complete sensory nightmare. Have you experimented with trying different toothpastes and toothbrushes?

Placemarking for links to read later on. Good luck op

Oh my goodness OP. I hope there were consequences to that behaviour! He can't associate hurting you with you backing down.