Not sure I reacted well to him having a child

[cotdottons]

I had been messaging a guy online since the weekend. We had stuff in common and seemed to have a laugh and a good bit to talk about.
We got onto the subject of our families and he told me he had a little girl who keeps him busy. I actually have never chatted to a guy online who has kids and I was a bit taken aback, not in a bad way though. I work with kids and I don’t think that would stop me from dating a guy I really liked.
My reply to him was polite, as in I replied to other parts of his message. My reaction to him having a little girl went something along the lines of “oh lovely, wasn’t expecting that from you though (with laughing emoji- I know stupid of me) and what age is she”?

I haven’t heard back from him since. The minute I read back over the message I thought it looked quite judgemental and snobby. Like what would I even “expect” of a guy who I’ve spoken to for a few days. I didn’t mean it in a snobby way, and I know if I met him in a bar and he told me about his child I’d probably just say oh that’s nice what age is she. Even if he was never going to reply to me anyway, I’d hate to think that anyone thought I was judgemental of people who are dating that have children as I’m genuinely not.
Should I message him to say I phrased my message badly and I didn’t mean to sound judgemental?! Or just leave it and take it as a lesson if I’m chatting to another guy who has kids to not say “I wouldn’t expect that to come from you”.

He just seems like a nice guy and if that was the only reason he stopped messaging me I’d be kicking myself.

No. Just leave it. You broke a deal breaker for him and are strangers to each other.

When I was online dating, it made no difference to me if someone tried to backtrack. I took the attitude that there were plenty of other people and I didn't need to make allowances for any of them.

That probably sounds harsh, its not meant to, but imagine if the show was on the other foot.

Would you give a second chance to a complete stranger who'd responded 'judgementally' to something incredibly important that you'd told them?

You wouldn't.

Just learn from this and take a bit more time to compose your response next time!

Sounds fine to me, I'm guessing it's because he's young? Don't over think it, you said lovely and showed interest without being intrusive

Yeah that reply wasn’t very nice and I’m not surprised he hasn’t continued to chat. Just move on now and leave it be.

Sounds fine to me

Really??

If I told someone I had a child and their response was to laugh and tell me they wouldn't have expected that from me, I'd not be impressed either tbh.

I'd wonder what it was about me that screamed 'Not A Parent' - age, appearance, job, interest, ethnicity..? I cant imagine at circumstances when it would be seen as anything other than judgemental. Why would you not expect someone to have a child? After all, it's a pretty normal thing to do!

The thing is that I’m not judgemental at all towards people with children. I work with children and I have friends who are engaged and married to guys that had children when they met and I never raised an eyebrow.

I don’t know why i wrote something so judgemental when I wasn’t judging him at all. I just never had a guy tell me he had a child before and was taken aback. I can see how it sounded really judgemental.

Too much hard work already... BLOCK

Did you mean that he didn't seem the mature, responsible, tie-wearing dad type? That would be my first thought. The laughing emoji would make it look to me like you were just teasing him for coming across as less mature.
Having said that, I learned from trial and error not to be too familiar with people by text, until you've actually met, as jokes sometimes simply don't come across at all.

I’d message and explain. What have you got to lose? If he took it personally it probably shows how important his child is to him in his life. He might think it’s you who is the time waster. Message and explain.

Really??

Yes really. Op hasn't said how old he is, I'm reading it as he's quite young. Average age for first time dad is 30 so if he's well under this it might be surprising to someone young. I wouldn't message him explaining anything though. If he wants clarification on how you intended the comment he can just ask if he's interested in pursuing things. Also, do you want to pursue someone with a young daughter if you are also young? That's a whole other point to consider

Move on and let this go.

BumbleBeee69

I suspect he already did.

cotdottons

I completely accept that you didnt mean to sound judgemental. I'm only speaking from the perspective of the person on the other end of your comment.

It does sound judgemental, intentional or not, and it would make me wonder what else they'd be judgemental about.

I dont think your message was that terrible OP to be honest, if he's that sensitive he could end up being really hard work! People disappear all the time online dating I've found so it may be nothing to do with that message anyway. I would leave it and move on, if you have to work at it before even meeting its a non starter.

Doesn't sound judgemental in the slightest. I say that as a mum who has often dated younger childless men. If I got that reaction I wouldn't mind at all.

Agree with a pp, he sounds hard work already.

I don't think that's a terrible message either, a bit wrong-footed but not terrible or rude. Several of my colleagues in a more distant building didn't know I had children for about 7 years! Just never came up in conversation, so I've had a few 'didn't think you had kids' including a 'didn't have you down as a parent' type conversations. If he's going to be sensitive, as someone else has said, best move on.

I just messaged him to explain. I’m really disappointed in myself that I didn’t check and re read the message before sending it. Dating is hard enough, probably moreso when you have a child and my stupid wrong-footed comment probably didn’t help. Funny thing was if he asked me to go for a socially distancing walk or a coffee I’d have totally been up for that so I’m definitely not thinking badly of him. I thought by explaining I had nothing to lose so and I think if you make a faux pas like I did that it’s good to explain and apologise if nothing else. Hopefully he replies and if not I’ve learned a lesson to always check myself before I send a message on these apps.

Oh and to whoever asked about ages , we are both early 30s, he’s 2 years older than me.

I can't see anything wrong with what you put. If you've been messaging a few days I think it's fair to be surprised he has a child. You weren't rude.

Are you new to on line dating? Ghosting happens all the time, it could be for any reason and probably has absolutely nothing to do with you.

It's disappointing but keep going, I'm sure you'll meet Mr Right soon x

I dated a guy briefly who had a daughter, he had her mid twenties so by the time we met (mid 30's) she was 8. The guilt he felt about breaking up with her mum and not seeing her as often as he would have liked was enormous, such that any tiny suggestion that something I said about her could be perceived as negative, would see him fly off the handle and completely overreact. It was really quite bizarre, of course she was his absolute world and he missed her dreadfully which was as it should be, but he had put her on a pedestal. It was impossible for me to mention her without him taking affront. You might be better off out of this OP.

OP, if you find yourself immediately scrabbling to apologise to someone who has ghosted you - stop it. You're setting yourself up to be constantly apologising for perceived slights and walking on eggshells. That does not make for a healthy relationship.

I see nothing wrong in your comment and he could have asked for clarification if he was unsure of its meaning, instead of ghosting.

I’ve been ghosted before but I’ve never actually messaged a guy after not hearing from him. If he decided to ignore my message because he wasn’t interested or met someone else that’s completely fine and his decision to make. It’s just I’d hate for someone to think I was judging them and thinking negatively of them for having a child. When I logged back into tinder about a half hour after I sent the message I could see that he was typing and went for my run expecting to read the message when I got back. There was no message so either he was writing to ask me to verify what I meant, or question my comment, I’m obviously not sure.

Maybe he was about to wish you all the best for the future, having decided he was more interested in some other woman, and then couldn't find the right way to do it, so gave up and left it.

Probably sounds like it. Or he was asking me to explain what I meant but decided there was no point. This is why I hate online dating. The tone you mean something and the tone in which someone takes it can be very different. I genuinely meant it in an “oh didn’t see that coming” rather than “oh crap and you don’t look like the type that would have a child”.

I’ll never know which way he took it now which is a pity as up to that we had been getting on very well and in my head I would have been on for meeting before he told me about the child and him telling me didn’t change that view.

Its annoying when you feel like someone has misunderstood you, but not worth dwelling on it too long - it can happen in either direction, you might well have been put off from a lovely guy without realising it. Look at the threads on here saying that people hate men who just text "Hi, how's it going?" I bet dozens of lovely men fall at that basic hurdle :)
Now things are easing up a bit you'll be able to meet up with the next one faster.

If he's so easily deterred he's not worth the effort. It might not even have been that remark which discouraged him - he might have decided that for some other reason you weren't compatible, or he might have met someone else.

To my complete surprise he actually replied about a half an hour ago. He said I didn’t offend him at all and don’t be worrying about it. He has just been chatty as normal so I guess we’re back to messaging again. To be honest I’m just relieved that he didn’t think I was judgemental and even if nothing ever happens between us I’m happy for that much at least.

Great :)