Buying a house but I’m worried he will hurt me again

[VMR0505]

Basically in the beginning of our relationship (9 months in) 2.5 year ago he betrayed me. He ended the relation so he could shag someone else basically, not how he puts it but It’s basically what happened. I also started seeing some else very quickly that looking back was probably already lined up too although hadn’t seen it that way at the time.
Right so a few months passed and we decided we still missed each other and got back together. That was 18 months ago. We’ve been living together for the lockdown (including our children - 2 each) and it’s going really well. We’ve decided to buy a bigger house together to make it permanent.

Now I’m scared he’s going to hurt me again, no reason for this as it’s been great for 18 months, just that it’s happened before and so I’m wary it could happened again. should I say no to buying a house and likely end the relationship as we do both want commitment and security or just go with it. Part of me wants to just go for it and get on with our lives, another part is scared that once we’re committed it will go bad and we will be a bit stuck

Seems very soon, especially when children are involved.

Well, of course you'll be stuck . I genuinely don't understand the logic of going into a major property commitment with the knowledge / expectation that it will very likely fail.
So, so weird...

It sounds very rushed, and maybe more caution is needed especially as kids are involved and you clearly don't trust him. Doing something as big as buying a house and tying your kids to him in such a big way when you are still worried he may leave you or cheat on you maybe isnt the greatest idea.

I would give it much longer than 18 months. I waited 4 years before buying a house with my (now) DH and we had no kids involved.

If you make a big commitment to someone who has demonstrated they have very little commitment to you
If you do that you are sending a message but they can do whatever they like to you and you will put up with it

No! Are you mad?

Of course it's too soon. Why would you do this - you don't have to, you could carry on as you are, protect your independence (and your childrens' finances, really) and stay financially separate. I'd say another two years, at least.

Basically, if that's what he did to you, then no he's not nice or trustworthy. Whether right now things are nice and happy doesn't change that. In fact, what you need to do is go through another low point together, and see what he does, before committing like this.

Yes I think I must be mental actual. Just got carried away with the lockdown and worry of redundant with regards to my job. Thinking that because we’ve been great through the lockdown with all the children, Iv been looking after them whilst he’s working still and it’s gone quite well then we should make more commitment for the future but in the end Iv only actual known him 2.5 years and he did betray me. We both want a bigger house With a bigger garden but can’t afford to do it separately so thought it would be better to do it together when the children have got used the the last 2 months, they are all 8-11 so also wanted to do before puberty set in.
I would do it all 50/50 with deposits and paying mortgage but it would be a large property with land so if it did go wrong then harder to get out of.
I’m sure he wouldn’t think that he could do it again, Iv made it very clear that if he wants to be with me then it’s my type of relationship and no secrets or anything hidden. He knows he’s betrayed me and he’s done everything he can to make things right

@FizzyGreenWater
Yes I agree we need to had another bad patch to see what happens really. Although i don’t see Ever having as bad as it was then, we were both going though really bad divorces at the time, both in court, massive legal fees, we had both not long moved into our retrospective houses that both needed work doing and he had started our relationship just after his wife left so I understand his head was all over the place.

We do have ups and downs like everyone, i don’t see it happening like it did 18 months ago tho so not sure how we would test the relationship like that again

Consider your relationship timeline from when it restarted not from the beginning so 18months,so way too soon.

Also trust your instinct, don't move unless you are 100% sure as the consequences for the children are high. Also once you are commited behaviours often change.

Lockdown is also not indicative of real life, he is working and assume you are providing care, house, food etc whilst not working? Wait for reality of school, work stresses to kick in.

Whose house are you all living in at the moment - yours or his? And who is doing all the cooking, chores, cleaning, housework and childcare? And how will that change once real life is back to normal-ish again?

You've been looking after his kids while he works? Nice arrangement for him.

Are they staying in your house atm? Is his house empty? Is he contributing to bills at your house?

If he's moved into your house during lockdown so you could mind his kids while he works, there's a very good reason he's keeping his nose clean right now.

I agree with pp.You are at present doing all the childcare while he works. Lots of men with DC want to move a woman in to become housekeeper/nanny while their life remains relatively free.

I don't think you have thought this through

And your update says that you're worried that you may be made redundant? Just keep things as they are without any huge financial commitments.

Thinking that because we’ve been great through the lockdown with all the children, Iv been looking after them whilst he’s working still and it’s gone quite well

Aye very canny - for him. I take it the other woman he shagged was ditched because she refused to provide free childcare, cook and clean.

You're uncertain because your gut instinct is yelling at you.

I’m sure he wouldn’t think that he could do it again
when you've tied yourself to him via joint property he can do what he likes and you'll just have to lump it because there will be no straightforward escape route
he just has to play the part until he has you locked down

It works both ways surly? Yes I’m tying myself to him in a property but also him to me. I also had someone lined up when we split last time because things were so bad.
I could position myself better, ie be in a position to buy him out should it go wrong. he wouldn’t be able to do the same as wouldn’t have enough money but then that puts him in a vulnerable place and I don’t want that either.

If we wait another two years we will have two 13 years olds And two 10 years olds. One boy and one girl or each age group that will no way what to live together And would make it harder, plus then they will miss out on the nice garden and bigger family life that we have together.
I’m not vulnerable, I have an extremely lucky lifestyle, as does he. I’m just worried incase he hurts me again as I’m not ready to let my guard down, I may never be ready for that. I also would like the commitment with someone for when life gives lemons, someone who will say it’s ok, we’re in this together and without a financial commitment we can’t really have that. Yes we say it but it’s not really true

It works both ways
or it turns into a stalemate where the stronger person waits for the weaker one to cave
maybe he would be the weaker one?

I really think "I'm also tying him to me" is a really daft take on it.
Do you actually think owning joint property will make him respect you more?

Why?? I hope you're not disappointed.

I don’t understand you split, and both met someone else. He clearly doesn’t think that was the reason for the split.

Why is it ok for you to get with someone else but not him?

Was it because he ended it? If you both had someone else lined up the relationship wasn’t good was it?

However on saying that I don’t think eighteen months is too soon to considering buying a house together, it will be two years when it’s done and dusted. Seems fair enough length of time to me.

If you make a big commitment to someone who has demonstrated they have very little commitment to you

That’s a bit much really. The relationship was bad, it ended, they moved on, got back together. It’s been fine since.

What was he supposed to be giving commitment at that stage ?

Who owns the house you're in now?
It sounds very unstable, even with a good 18 months. You don't know everything that's going on. Don't rush when there's fear or doubt. It'll be a lot harder to break up if needed, if you're in a joint home with both sets of children. Also, you would be giving him a license to do as he wishes again, as he knows you would do this, even after he cheated.

What are your present housing situations? Will you be putting yourself into a more vulnerable position - are you giving up, for example, a secure tenancy or your own home, to pool resources, or will it be a good financial move for you even if the relationship falls apart?

Jesus! Think about putting your kids first rather than stuff like you both want a bigger house and a bigger garden.Give yourselves time to work on ensuring your relationship is strong enough.

Actually, sorry I focused on the hurting you again bit, but did he? You've since said you both had others lined up and that you and he got together during messy divorces. So when it went bad for you two, both who have children, you immediately have others waiting. Seriously, it sounds so unstable. Sorry. Also, if you're not working and looking after 4 children, and then it goes wrong, he gets to keep house for his children and you and your two have to leave?