Buying a house but I’m worried he will hurt me again

[VMR0505]

Basically in the beginning of our relationship (9 months in) 2.5 year ago he betrayed me. He ended the relation so he could shag someone else basically, not how he puts it but It’s basically what happened. I also started seeing some else very quickly that looking back was probably already lined up too although hadn’t seen it that way at the time.
Right so a few months passed and we decided we still missed each other and got back together. That was 18 months ago. We’ve been living together for the lockdown (including our children - 2 each) and it’s going really well. We’ve decided to buy a bigger house together to make it permanent.

Now I’m scared he’s going to hurt me again, no reason for this as it’s been great for 18 months, just that it’s happened before and so I’m wary it could happened again. should I say no to buying a house and likely end the relationship as we do both want commitment and security or just go with it. Part of me wants to just go for it and get on with our lives, another part is scared that once we’re committed it will go bad and we will be a bit stuck

I don't think waiting longer to get a house with him means not being committed. You can just say you're not ready yet after what's happened- and that's fine.

You made a big commitment getting back with him/moving in with him after what happened.

if we wait another two years we will have two 13 years olds And two 10 years olds. One boy and one girl or each age group that will no way what to live together And would make it harder

Hang on, Im confused - so if you move in together now, the kids will be young enough to share a room. What is your plan for in two years time when, by your own admission, the kids will no longer want to do that?

Are you hoping that somehow it won't arise if you get them "used to it" now? That seems a bit illogical to me?

You hardly know the bloke really, and neither of you seem to have had any time alone after divorcing. It all seems far too rushed with little thought given to possible long term developments.
It suits him now, as he’s got a built in housekeeper/childminder, so of course he will be all sweetness & light.

Give it at least a year before you get financially enmeshed with him, see if it’s actually what you want, and what other options you might have.

@thenamesarealltaken I wouldn’t have to move out, I could have a higher equity share as have a bigger deposit than him. It would be him that would likely have to move because he couldn’t buy my share off me. Yes I may not be working but only as I have investment property that give me a nice income.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine it’s not so they can share a room it’s because I think moving them in together at 13 with periods and puberty would be much harder than right now. We would be looking at 5/6 bed houses.
@category12 we both currently own our own homes. The move will be financially beneficial to both of us, a house that maybe needs work and to increase the value.

I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I’d only lived with for 2 months. Even ignoring all the other stuff, you’ve only really been together about 2 years and that’s just too soon for such a big commitment. I wouldn’t particularly see a future in the relationship where someone cheated on me, but even with dh, who I have a very healthy and secure relationship with, definitely wouldn’t have financially tied ourselves to a house that soon. If you really see a future, I’d come back to the idea in another year or 2.

I'd wait and see what the housing markets do, given Corona and the recession, tbh.

You have your own home and security. I'd be very wary of throwing in my lot with him, given the relationship history and the financial instability of the times.

You currently own your own home? OP, you'd be crazy to move into somewhere new with him. You have your own independence now. Imagine splitting up in two years' time when he's cheated again - imagine telling his two children they have to leave and go and live somewhere that's not so nice.

Imagine looking after his kids and just knowing that he's cheating on you.

I wouldn't take that gamble for anything.

You both shagged other people quickly when the relationship ended. Neither of you cheated. You can't keep holding that against him, you either put it in the past or break up.

But don't buy a house yet. Wait at least another year, work on your relationship, wait until things settle down with covid and brexit. No need to rush it.

Think about what you'd both gain from it - and lose from it.

Who's been doing what with childcare, cleaning, educating the kids, DIY, shopping, thinking about what's for dinner etc? Presumably he's off work at the moment - what was he like before?

Buying a home with someone you've only lived with for eight weeks is silly.

Buying a home with someone you've only lived with for eight weeks when you both have kids is mental.

Buying a home with someone you've only lived with for eight weeks when you've both had kids and you've been doing all the childcare for that eight weeks is mental and a bit muggy.

OP, you're being ridiculous and also unfair on your children. I know you haven't meant to be but this isn't in their best interest, it's too much too soon.

They don't need more land, they need stability and a happy healthy mum.

Never, ever buy a home with someone if you have doubts about it.

Come on OP, I think you know this isn't the right thing to do.

You don't have to split up, it's just crazy to consider buying a house together this soon.

Ok so going straight to buy a house together isn’t a good idea for a number of reasons.
Right, so what do we do? Should we sell our homes and go into rented for 6 months then buy? That would give us a more realistic idea of living together and for longer.
What do people do when the have children from previous relationships and want to work towards living together? Should we continue to live in our Separate homes after the lockdown (he can’t go back yet because otherwise we become separate hours olds and he can’t stay over) then rent then buy in a couple of years? Bearing in mind should a crash happen we both loose the equity in our homes and so won’t have a very big deposit, if any.
Pre lockdown He regularly stays at my house because its bigger and much nicer and so easier with the children. He stays when he doesn’t have his children and when he does a lot. So it was about 10 days out of 14 he was staying anyway and has been happening since we got back together. So we’re running two houses for him to stay there 8-10 nights a month. I’m paying for mine and him for his. He pays a bit towards the bills but not much as he still has his own to pay for but I’m happy with that. The bit I don’t like is my house getting all the wear and tear, the grubby finger prints, the broken door handle, the scratches on my table and broken fence, along with other things. All because it’s too many people in a small ish house. He’s also got a Labrador and I have a springer so that also makes more mess.

I get things break but if it was a jointly owned Bigger house then it wouldn’t be so annoying

The trust is your relationship is obviously gone. I wouldn’t have taken him back tbh. If you can’t trust him how are you supposed to have a stable relationship? Let alone buy a house.

Why are you looking after his kids while he's working? I'm just wondering what his plan would be for childcare if he wasn't in a relationship with you.

I get the feeling you'd be lumbered with an awful lot of doing stuff for his kids...and this will cause resentment.

Have you asked your kids how they feel about living with him and his kids during his custody time?

If you are so certain your kids wouldn’t want to live together as teenagers, then why on Earth are you forcing it on them before they’re old enough to stop you trampling on their opinions and wishes? Stop.

Who is cleaning up all the mess the kids and dogs make?
Who buys and cooks the meals?

What exactly are you getting out of this?
He gets free childcare, maid services
staying in a better/nicer house( your words)
He doesn’t pay his share in full

What do u get??
Buy houses side by side perhaps .. that way you still have your security blanket🤷🏻‍♀️

Buying together when you feel the way you do .. is a disaster/heartache waiting to happen..

In your heart of hearts you do not trust him ..

It all seems very convenient for him. It would be a mistake to combine equity until you can see when you are both working that he does as much looking after children and housework as you do.

This is about blending a family. It doesn’t sound like he has any time on his own with his children if he is usually at your home. How do they feel about that I wonder? Don’t just say “they love it “ , they have very little choice. Your own children should get a vote too. Will it involve changing school? They have already had a divorce, a move of house and a new adult and two children to deal with. You obviously have concerns about stability and being hurt, or you wouldn’t have posted. I would listen to those feelings and slow it all down.

Can’t you just calm everything down and stay in your own places for a year or so, then see how you feel?