Alcohol

[AllOneWordNoSpaces]

Im just sick to the back teeth with my DH drinking. Hes furloughed at the moment but he’s literally drank everyday for the past few weeks bar probably one day each week. Im talking drinking from 4pm to 11pm around 6- 8 cans. When i talk to him about it he just shrugs it off, says im getting at him for nothing, he doesnt have a problem. On a “normal” week pre-covid, he tends to drink Thursdays to Sundays.

My issue apart from him drinking in front of the kids, as soon as he drinks thats it for the night, all parenting falls to me, getting them showered, to bed etc if i do ask him he has no patience and just loses his temper and shouting. We end up going round in circles and i say, why do you have to shout, if you be patient and do it quietly, you will achieve a better outcome but he then starts saying that my Parenting tactics dont work, we have two boys and apparently they are going to be a nightmare when their teenagers if were not strict with them now. I do parent more in a calm way and negotiate vs shouting and i think thats better. He just does my head in.

How do i tackle the drinking when hes clearly in denial - or is it me? I dont drink so am i over reacting? Does everyone drink like this.

Weve been together 22 years. We got together young and are now late 30s. Hes always been a big drinker/his family are. Family Gatherings are all very alcohol orientated and i just don't want that for my boys (8&10). Is it me?

At the very least he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. And there is definitely an alcohol problem here - because one of the criteria for problematic drinking is whether or not it affects your relationships and your functioning at home. Your husband is opting out of parenting because he wants to drink and that is bad.

So it's not you, it's him. The sad thing is, he won't change. He has it easy - he comes home, hit the booze and you do everything. Why would he give that up? Add to that the fact that this is his normal and you have someone who has no incentive to do anything that will make his life less cushy.

It's now up to you to decide what you want to do. In terms of splitting up, you have grounds. His excessive drinking and lack of parenting/taking part in family grounds would all be classed under 'unreasonable behaviour'. And believe me, your DC will do so much better away from their shouty, non-parenting dad even if he has contact, because they will be with you most of the time.

You've tried talking to him and he hasn't listened. Now try thinking about what your life would be like without him, just you and your kids. Because you deserve better than this.

Sorry if this sounds blunt but you can’t tackle the drinking. Only he can do that and it’s very plain that he isn’t prepared to do this

He is an alcoholic and no amount of bullying, nagging or negotiating will change this. You need to make peace with this before you decide what to do.

Your options are therefore: a) tolerate this as the status quo (maybe with occasional concessions on his part), or b) leave.

I’m sorry but it’s very binary.

You rightly don’t want this for kids. But by allowing them to remain in this environment you are effectively giving it the tacit green light.

As a first step you should speak to Al-Anon. They are all about supporting people like you and helping you get some perspective.

But you won’t be able to move forward unless he accepts he has a problem. From what you’re saying, this sounds like a way off.

Good luck: I have been in this situation. I cant tell you what to do but just to say my life improved exponentially when I left.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I need to think about ending this as im not happy. I just wanted to check if im being unreasonable in “nagging” him. I cant go on like this tho, i feel like im walking on egg shells at times between the kids being kids and him getting angry/shouty. Its getting to the point where i dont like weekends and thats not good

You are definitely not being unreasonable. This is unacceptable behaviour and you should feel safe and happy in your home.

I feel like i please everyone else except myself and its really getting me down 😞

Not unreasonable at all. Drinking should never change someone's behaviour, and as soon as it does it becomes a problem. He also has no right to delegate the parenting to you because he wants to have his tins.

Sorry OP. Since splitting with my ex, I have somehow managed to date 1 full on alcoholic and have just ended things with someone who drinks heavily (most nights). The fact you have tackled him about it and he doesn't seem to care how it affects you tells you all you need.
He will happily just carry on like this while he's getting away with it. You can't control his drinking but you can control your own life.
You also don't want the kids thinking that amount of drinking is normal because they will notice it too! I hope you find the courage to end things with him.

I just wanted to check if im being unreasonable in “nagging” him.

You would be if you continued to. But the unreasonableness would be to yourself and your boys. You have stated what is needed from him. He has chosen not to be part of the family team effort. Don’t just see it as you vs him. He is not contributing to the whole family system - he is being actively destructive.

You are a calm and peaceful person with v well attuned parenting values and skills. Don’t let him turn you into something less. His opinions on parenting have nothing to do with what is best for the emotional development of your sons - he has not researched or observed or analysed different approaches - he is just inflicting an approach that facilitates and justifies his alcoholism - which isn’t just in the active hours of drinking from
4pm 6 nights a week (being emotionally and physically unavailable at best, an abusive aggressive thug at worst) - it’s also all of the hungover hours the short fuse, the moody, detached aggressive disengaged behaviours - which are the rest of the hours in the day.

To date your boys have missed out on an encouraging supportive Dad, been exposed to an aggressive Dad, watched their mother in desperation plead, beg, nag to exhaustion - and they are absorbing and internalising all of this toxic environment and it is emotionally damaging them. This exposure puts them at risk of developing behaviour problems as children and chronic MH issues as young adults. Have a read of the Adult Children of Alcoholics website to see what’s in store.

Your DH isn’t listening or cooperating with you. You don’t need to keep “nagging” him or get his agreement that he has issues. You just need to be clear that your boys deserve a calm and peaceful home where everyone behaves with kindness and respect to each other. They don’t have that now. It will get worse. You can take actions to give them this.

Emotionally detach from your DH in your head. Then do the same practically (don’t do his shopping cooking laundry etc) - this then frees up your emotional headspace and physical time and energy to plan a better life for your DCs.

Thank you will take this on board and think about a way forward. When weve (Or i should i say) have spoken about splitting and getting divorced he tells me im daft and why would i say that and just dismisses me/“oh not this again” we just cant have a full conversation as he just doesnt listen and i cant get my point across enough to make him realise. “Well maybe i drink too much but we cant all be Miss Perfect like you”. He drives me insane that if ive done something wrong eg hoovered and missed some or go to mow the grass - he says he will do it as he does it better. Not allowed to cook as i wont do it right. Its just exhausting being made to feel im not good enough. Were just different people now i guess and i just want my own space with the kids. We have a lovely time when hes not here!

God that sounds so miserable when i read it back 😖

Keep reading it back then. It can be your motivation to leave. He isn't just a booze hound, he's also a joy sponge.

After I threw my alcoholic H out of the house (police involved), I watched my DDs blossom. They played daft games. They laughed. They sang in the shower. I hadn't realised until then just what a cloud we had all been living under. You can have that too. Freedom, laughter, happiness.

Decide if you want this going forward, as only he can change his behaviour.

Save you breath. He has his fingers in his ears. Take some action - calmly and decisively. Do loads of planning and research. Don’t bother discussing anything with him as he will just derail you. When you are sorted then let him know that life has changed.

Sounds like he is the real nag - picking on your housework and I expect not even doing his fair share.

There is more to this than drinking.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Living with someone with an alcohol problem, especially when they are in denial, causes us to question our own perception of reality and this is really common. Coupled with the other manipulating behaviour (telling you he does everything better) is guaranteed to chip away your self-esteem. You do not want to end up too far down that line.

It sounds like you have already decided that leaving might be for the best. That is a tough decision but I agree with others, he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to change. If he is on a path of addiction (he might or might not be but is certainly misusing alcohol), it is generally a long and depressing journey that has repercussions for everyone around them. I have boys a similar age to yours and left my alcoholic husband this year. It is tough, but not as tough as living with an alcoholic.

Do get support for yourself, whether it be through Alanon, counselling etc. Good luck!

My husband same. On days.of he drinks as soon as up 7 to 9 cans plus a frosty Jack's 1l. We have 9 yr old dd and 5 yr old dd. He had bloods done and ended having us of liver
Gp said slight fatty liver and gave him the eye ok to carry on drinking. I hate it I barely drink he will carry on.. if no attachment leave I'm.30 hes 35 been together 13 to married 9

@pointythings whatever happened to ex husband what's he like since u left x

Also the same with cooking in my house husband says same !

@Healthyandhappy unfortunately it didn't end well. I didn't let him back in the house and he ended up in temporary lodgings, then moved into a one bedroom flat in town. He said he'd go into therapy to get sober and change his behaviour - DDs had made it very clear they wanted zero contact until he had done a lot of work on himself. But he went back to drinking, lost his job and just spiralled. 8 months after moving out he was found dead in his flat. He couldn't find whatever he needed in order to get to sobriety and turn his life around, and it cost him everything. His official date of death was 12 days before nisi was pronounced, so we were never divorced.

He was a lovely guy when I married him, but he had a lot of insecurities and after his mum died, he just dived into the bottle and never came out.

People on here are often too quick to advise women to LTB but in your case you have a poor husband who is also a poor father and a borderline alcoholic. Hard to see a future in this relationship.

OP what are your boys learning about relationships/

Daddy gets drunk and shouts. Daddy doesn't want to know, daddy doesn't want us.Tip toe around daddy so he doesn't get cross. Mummy don't annoy daddy as he gets angry.

Who does the house revolve around?

He doesn't seem to be interested in his children or you. Arguments going around in circles and never getting resolved are a sign of stonewalling which is an abuse tactic.

Who is the King of the Castle?

Stop arguing with him as he's not interested. You sound exhausted and at the end of your tether because you have a drunk dragging you back and jumping all over you. Your children are taking all this in and learning from it.

It's time to start thinking about where you want to go from here OP. He's not going to change.

Thing is hes not always a bad father - during the day and when not drinking he is ok but my oldest is quite sensitive and i worry he is chipping away at his self esteem. They both say to me they dont like him and actively avoid hugging him / showing any affection etc. He doesnt really do anything with them eg wouldnt take them to the park for a kick around to bond or even just play in the back garden. I literally do everything with them. I feel sad in that respect. Even when it comes to christmas /birthdays- i organise everything, hes just as surprised what the kids get as much as they are as he hasnt a clue. I feel like a single parent already!

My problem will be how to approach it as he will go into denial, make me feel like im the bad person splitting up the family, i dont think i could get him to leave the house (joint mortgage). Its not going to be easy....

How can he be a good father when his own children can't bear to touch him!

He drinks from 4pm - 11pm so how much time is he spending with them before he starts getting hammered? I doubt he's up at 6am for a smoothie and a jog before family time.

Let's say father of the year rolls out of bed, stinking of booze and wondering when he can start drinking, about 10 am. That's six hours. Yet you're saying that he doesn't actually do anything with them, he can't be arsed to put on his vest and go into the garden for a kick around. Is he just lying on the sofa watching the clock until he can crack open the first Stella?

He's not interested OP. You're all just inconveniences to him. You don't need to talk to him any more. You need to start working out how to move forward. I can't imagine that the kids who can't bear to touch him or be near him, will care if he's there or not. In fact, they'll probably feel relief.

Allonewordnospaces

re your comment:-
"My problem will be how to approach it as he will go into denial, make me feel like im the bad person splitting up the family, i dont think i could get him to leave the house (joint mortgage). Its not going to be easy.."

Alcoholism is also called the "family disease" and you are as caught up in this as he is. Your own recovery from him will only properly start when you are apart. I would certainly endorse what the other respondents have written to you, you need to take heed.

You are playing out the usual roles here in this dysfunctional family unit yourself; namely that of enabler, codependent partner and provoker (because you never forget). Hard as it is I would also urge you to read this article called the 3 act play that is alcoholism:-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Draw your own plans up re separation and present those to him as a done deal. Seek legal advice and look into obtaining both non molestation and occupation orders. You can make plans to divorce him and move on without him in your day to day lives.

What other choice here do you have here realistically; none. Your kids and you do not warrant or need a drunkard for a father and husband respectively in your day to day lives. What effects do you think seeing all this along with your reactions to their dad - both spoken and unspoken - has on your children; it has culmulative and deleterious effects on them. What do you think they are learning about relationships here from you two?. Is this really the model you want to show them?.

You also need to get off the merry go around called denial. Alcoholics like your H are in denial already; no point going further down that rabbit hole by talking to him about his drinking. He has and will continue to wreak havoc upon your family unit by his actions. Its never stable and or calm in your house is it, there is always an undercurrent and you for your part are constantly moving the deckchairs about on what is a sinking ship.

Re your comment about your children:-
"They both say to me they dont like him and actively avoid hugging him / showing any affection etc. He doesnt really do anything with them eg wouldnt take them to the park for a kick around to bond or even just play in the back garden. I literally do everything with them".

You are really contradicting yourself here in calling him not a bad father. Why did you write such a thing of him?. Would you yourself call him not a bad husband?. No you would not.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Staying with him will be a lot harder and your children will not say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Your own relationship going forward with them could well become further damaged if you stay because they will see you as putting him before them.

Its hard alcohol til they realise they ruin everything they want change
I'm not leaving my husband wait til he leaves me. One thing that pisses me.of is sex usually once a week but if he cant do something they again next night. Well this week he just couldn't do it right but apparently my fault.? When was tired next night and poorly apparently I'm nasty even tho done it twice in a row. More so he wpmt accept blame for something

It sounds like he is a passenger in the relationship. I was in a similar situation with a partner who prioritised drinking over our relationship, family life, and it took three years for us to separate. Be prepared if that is something you want to do, that at the moment he won't see a gain in it for him, so you will need to push the ending of the relationship over the finish line.