Alcohol

[AllOneWordNoSpaces]

Im just sick to the back teeth with my DH drinking. Hes furloughed at the moment but he’s literally drank everyday for the past few weeks bar probably one day each week. Im talking drinking from 4pm to 11pm around 6- 8 cans. When i talk to him about it he just shrugs it off, says im getting at him for nothing, he doesnt have a problem. On a “normal” week pre-covid, he tends to drink Thursdays to Sundays.

My issue apart from him drinking in front of the kids, as soon as he drinks thats it for the night, all parenting falls to me, getting them showered, to bed etc if i do ask him he has no patience and just loses his temper and shouting. We end up going round in circles and i say, why do you have to shout, if you be patient and do it quietly, you will achieve a better outcome but he then starts saying that my Parenting tactics dont work, we have two boys and apparently they are going to be a nightmare when their teenagers if were not strict with them now. I do parent more in a calm way and negotiate vs shouting and i think thats better. He just does my head in.

How do i tackle the drinking when hes clearly in denial - or is it me? I dont drink so am i over reacting? Does everyone drink like this.

Weve been together 22 years. We got together young and are now late 30s. Hes always been a big drinker/his family are. Family Gatherings are all very alcohol orientated and i just don't want that for my boys (8&10). Is it me?

p.s. it's not you, you both have different priorities.

Book gp appointment and ask him to request blood test review his liver function hes having one day of at least lol

@Healthyandhappy he's a grown man not a child. The OP doesn't have to book a grown man GP appointments. He needs to take responsibility for his own health and alcohol intake.

Could you write down, in three columns, to help give you clarity: what your relationship is like now, what you want it to be like, and what you/he need to do to get there?

I agree with everyone else here on the alcohol front. Sounds like a major issue, coupled with the lazy non-parenting.

Giving him the slightest sliver of benefit of doubt I will say that I was with someone who endlessly negotiated peaceably with the kids and it drove me a bit nuts sometimes. Sometimes they do need to hear "no, just do it now" in an irritated voice 'm sure you are firm with then sometimes but just saying that one person's negotiation is another's being a complete walkover.

Shouting is never ok though. That frightens kids.

To me, it seems like him currently being out of work is the problem for him drinking more. Before him being furloughed you say he would drink Thursday - Sunday, now this for me wouldn't be too bad. But then again i do drink on a weekend too. I think because you don't drink at all, you are seeing his drinking a heightened state. But like i say him being out of work has affected him in that he now just drinks more days a week.

Ive noticed my next-door neighbors have been doing this too since being furloughed, drinking more in the week. I think this COVID 19 has had an effect on everyone in oneway or another.

Why don't you come to some compromise with him, and maybe ask him if he could have a drink later on in the evening, so he can at least help with the kids getting them settled for the night, and then he can have a drink.

Def loads drink more in lockdown tbh most ppl here cant shut plastic bin. Thurs to sun is fine 6 cans is fine. We went to a park and husband took some cans with him I hate that as say its common anyways loads of others did as well. Most men do drink maybe get him to ring gp about his OCD/ depression as this fuels drink x

Well i suppose im not being entirely honest when i saw Thurs- Sun drinking pre lockdown- id say that was probably on a good week. Hes always been a big drinker, i suppose i was too pre kids! I think as a mum i just never got back into it following pregnancies/caring for young kids. Its been an issue for a long time In his life. I dread him going on nights out (not because hes going out with mates, im happy for that) because he just has no off button, gets absolutely smashed and has come home not knowing who i am/went to throw a chair at me/shouts really loudly (were talking 3am sometimes). Sadly I end up staying up until he gets home from fear of him getting hurt/into trouble whilst out. Its like im his mum. I cant go sleep until i know hes safe. Its exhausting. Im going to have to make some changes this year for sure. Drinking at home- a lot of times hes drinking 6-8 cans but then will have half a bottle of wine on top when ive gone bed, im sure he thinks i dont know. Trying to open cans quietly and putting empties straight in the bin so they are not lining up on the side 😞

OP you need some help. This sounds like an awful situation and I can't imagine how your children feel when they get woken up at 3am with chairs being smashed when daddy comes home drunk and in a rage again.

There's an organisation called Al Anon which is for the family and friends of alcoholics which is what he is OP. He's not just a 'heavy drinker'. They also have a sub group for children. They would be a good start in helping you decide what to do.

Is he drink driving OP? If he is, he's going to end up killing someone or himself.

There's a list of support services you may find useful here.

You are not responsible and he can only carry on drinking because he's being enabled to do so. You need to learn to disengage and let him face the consequences of his actions. One of them may be losing his home and family.

Research co dependence as well. There's a good book called Co Dependence No More by Melody Beattie you may find helpful.

You may find contacting your local domestic abuse organisation helpful as well. The Freedom Programme may be of help to you.

How are you doing this week AllOneWordNoSpaces?

Hiding his drinking is also a very bad sign. And here lies the problem if you try to change him. He may just try to hide it more.
If he didn't have a drink problem he would have no issue with laying off for a couple of weeks, even just to prove to you he doesn't. He won't do that though.