Struggling with his ex wife

[Sunnydays123456]

Hi -I’ve namechanged for this one )

I have an amazing partner of 3 years - he is the love of my life and we have v happy relationship and are engaged.second time for both of us.

Big difference is that my ex was v clean break - we are civil and talk re the kids but that’s it . I really miss being part of that extended family . My ex has a new gf, who is really fab with the kids and they are all happy

My dp - ex still very much part of the extended family and they co parent quite closely. They had more of a mutual conscious uncoupling
Problems arise when I get jealous of her proximity and that she is quite controlling (I feel ) - she also hasn’t met anyone else

I can’t become part of the new extended family really because she is still v much in that role

Anyway - it rears its head in our relationship and I at a loss how to handle it - he’s a dad doing his best and does put in boundaries but the issues still arises

Any advice please? Thanks

My OH says to me she knows it’s u with the issue because I don’t have an issue in her txting or asking me to pick things up. My argument is why would he want to be that involved with his ex who has a new bf. He just doesn’t see it. And every phonecall with his mum she’s on about the ex.

It's very annoying.

My partner's ex is openly out to cause trouble for us as a couple so it's a little more straightforward - I am justified in keeping her at arm's length from our house anyway.

However when his mother died she flew to their home country and sat in the house when it was only immediate family (I was even staying outside with our child at this stage). He had messaged her that he did not want her there, it was inappropriate given her recent troublemaking. They have DC but they drive and are old enough to travel on their own. She didn't speak a word to him yet stayed for the whole day and when the siblings were standing by the coffin with their respective spouses and everyone else asked to leave she made sure she was right behind him. He didn't even notice. I just thought it was all a pathetic performance and ignored her entirely.

@Isthisnothing that’s awful. What is wrong with these women why can’t they just move on. I don’t get it, his ex hates me so she is 100% doing all she can to pee me off. It works sadly as I can’t keep my mouth shut. Then I end up looking the bad one. My OH is 100% to blame though because he’s allowed all the behaviours + his mother to be controlling.

God some of these women sound a bit nuts. If you've divorced your ex, or split up, you don't keep forcing your way in like you are their daughter in law. You still have a relationship obviously, if you want one, but it's just about the kids. Not acting like you're still married.. 😂 If you wanted that, you should have worked on the relationship.

My partners ex was weird like this at first when they split up. No children involved, they were just bf and gf. She cheated on him and he broke up with her for it. Yet she wanted to keep going round and have tea with his mum like she was still part of the family. Thankfully she found another guy and buggered off. Surely if you had some level of sense, you'd think going round to your exs parents house was a bad idea, especially after cheating on him? She wasn't the brightest though..

If you exclude their mum from family events, when she has always been included, the DC will know it’s because of you. I’ve had a step mum and if she had upset my own mum, I know which side I’d take.
Tread carefully OP.

Well I can top that I have my OH’s sister txting me abuse because I’ve asked said ex to move on and stop txting and calling him. Why would a grown women get everyone else involved in my conversation with her rather than txt me back. All about point scoring sad women around.

Well op can't exclude her from family events as her partner is not behind this idea. I guess your only option is to change your perspective on the situation.

You could try as a pp suggested to switch your feelings of annoyance to pity.

Or you could try to be friendly to her. Sorry if this has been mentioned but have you actually tried this? (I certainly did for a few years but it was impossible with her troublemaking.) If this worked it would be the best for everyone. You could set a time limit and if she is still making you uncomfortable at least you can say to your husband that you have made a big effort and they need to reframe contact now.

Do you have any family meals or get together a with his parents or siblings without his ex? If the answer is no then you have an issue. She is now his ex and may be the mother of his DC but you are feeling uncomfortable as it sounds like your the guest whilst she is part of there family. All very odd and I would stop going- but that's me as I value my mental health and wouldn't put myself in a position where it's awkward and uncomfortable. His family may have a great relationship but to include her in all your gatherings I find odd and I think they are expecting a lot of you to tolerate that as most wouldn't.

@sunflowersandtulips50 yes we do

It’s only really big things now we both end up at , or she does it it’s her turn to have the kids

[quote Sunnydays123456]@sunflowersandtulips50 yes we do

It’s only really big things now we both end up at , or she does it it’s her turn to have the kids[/quote]
What are the big things she ends up at?

Oh like big 50 birthday celebration party for dp sibling for eg

I totally get this as have a very similar issue. It’s hard. For me it is the same, she hasn’t moved on or met anyone else so still very much wants to command his attention.

She is also quite involved with the family. The difference being if she is invited we can’t go. We can’t seem to be in the same room as each other, this is nothing to do with me, or my issue, this comes from her side, or other peoples, or DP’s.

I have had the conversation with DP that as they have a child together but yet we are together now and have a family too and are part of his family, it is inevitable we will end up in the same place at some point but it seems like everyone wants to avoid it.

Everyone seems to have this immense guilt in him leaving her, DP included. It’s so frustrating as it has a massive impact on our relationship to the point where I have nearly left on several occasions. I have reached my limit now, they have been split up a considerable amount of time and it’s time for everyone to move on and get to grips with the new life. I won’t be pushed out anymore as there is no need to, if it happens again, for me, I am out of this relationship. I love him but if this can’t change then for my own sake I have to be done.

Hope things work out for you and you manage to sort it, as well as for me x

@drawingaline - thanks for you post

She is really supportive of us in a way and makes it easy for he and I - so long as she retains the matriarch role I guess

Which annoys me as I am also a mother and it makes me feel like a vacuous girlfriend

Determined to sort it somehow as everything else is soooooo good and really wouldn’t want to lose than man I love on account of somebody that is no threat to he and I (less so as the kids grow up too)

I suppose it’s about acceptance - accepting someone’s status quo. It would be worse if they were at war and he is the kindest man I have ever known

I think it is about your acceptance.

You've been around for 3 years and her 20 years.

If his family want her to still be family, that's their business and they seem to want her around.

@RantyAnty totally agree it is all about acceptance def )