Struggling with his ex wife

[Sunnydays123456]

Hi -I’ve namechanged for this one )

I have an amazing partner of 3 years - he is the love of my life and we have v happy relationship and are engaged.second time for both of us.

Big difference is that my ex was v clean break - we are civil and talk re the kids but that’s it . I really miss being part of that extended family . My ex has a new gf, who is really fab with the kids and they are all happy

My dp - ex still very much part of the extended family and they co parent quite closely. They had more of a mutual conscious uncoupling
Problems arise when I get jealous of her proximity and that she is quite controlling (I feel ) - she also hasn’t met anyone else

I can’t become part of the new extended family really because she is still v much in that role

Anyway - it rears its head in our relationship and I at a loss how to handle it - he’s a dad doing his best and does put in boundaries but the issues still arises

Any advice please? Thanks

Hmmm @TooOldForThis67
Am too old for another baby prob so it just ain’t gonna happen

Yeah it’s just caused a lot of upset between us over the years

@Niajade that’s why I do feel sorry for the men ! They just can’t combat the ex and mil / grandchild thing !!!

She is def seen as the important one because she has had the grandchildren

Well she sort of is the important one. If you want to put it like that. She has presumably been in their lives for a long time and has a good relationship with her (ex) in laws. This woman is the mother of their grandchildren. This amicable relationship seems like a good thing for the children and the family in general
... it makes you uncomfortable but that doesn't necessarily mean their family should change to suit you. Sorry op but don't disrupt good relations between ex / DP / inlaws.

@Sunnydays123456 I would feel sorry for him but he encourages it, he tells his mum to go and get the LO. Tells her to stop contacting him then when she does he jumps.

This is so tricky to navigate. I'm on both sides here. I have a good relationship with my ex, and we always did kids birthdays / school shows etc together - for a number of years until he got together with his current partner. She put her foot down and it stopped. (They dont live together). It has caused unnecessary acrimony for both of us and also with the kids. It's a shame, but it's out of my hands unfortunately.

My OH however has a good relationship with his ex wife. They occasionally do birthdays and shows etc together. It is hard, I do get it - but I also know it's good for their kids if they can get along. I don't have much to do with his ex, but when I do see her it's always really friendly (surface level) which is fine.

I don't see my ex's family though. I do pop in for a cuppa when i drop off sometimes - though only when his partner is at her own house. Which is a shame, but I guess it has to be this way.

No rules OP. I think you have to just choose what you are and what you are not willing to accept. It's personal choice and you are completely entitled to feel the way you do, so don't berate yourself for it.

@arboretum89 I guess I’m that person trying to put her foot down and failing. She knows it’s me trying to stop the contact I feel she does it more to try and stamp her ‘I’m more important’ onto me.

Ah thanks @arboretum89

I do want to be with him as we have amazing relationship and such love

You are so right - it’s about deciding how I feel . It’s certainly not worth blowing it all up for

He also has massively tried to help with more boundaries etc but it’s a bit of a battle tbh due to ex and his mum being bossy

Tho have made me welcome I cannot deny that

Life !!!!

@Niajade even though I too feel like that, don’t let it . You have your man, she doesn’t !

@Niajade yeah I can see I'm the other person too. But because I have the opposite situation with my partners ex, I can see how it feels because I feel it too!

The relationship between an ex and a current partner is not a naturally easy one is it. I guess I think that just because the marriage has ended, the relationship as parents doesn't have to. But it's fraught with difficulty and I agree that boundaries must be drawn up.

I don't particularly like that my partner has another woman in his life - which is how it feels!! But we do talk about it and I think I'm ok with it. Mostly!

@arboretum89 yes it’s the other woman in his life feeling !!!

I suppose it can’t hack it then don’t be with a divorcee !

@Sunnydays123456 she has reiterated to me on numerous occasions she has 0 interest in my OH, I’m not sure I believe it because of her level of contact still. I’m really trying to not let it take over me but it’s hard.

@arboretum89 that’s exactly how it feels, like I’m in a 3 way relationship and his ex may aswell come and have tea with us. We decorated the living room and his mum told her all about it, she then said on Ft to the LO, house looks nice. I was so angry 😂

@Niajade that's not good! His mum must realise there are boundaries, and discussing your interior decor isn't exactly essential is it! Even if she was nice about it.

I think it's always that feeling of
'What if she wants him back / he wants her back'. It takes a strong person not to feel that.

With my ex-wife hat on, I can see that my ex's new partner must feel that. And I guess I do feel a closeness with him because we have children together and are in touch most days. He's my go-to whenever there is an issue with one of the kids - but we are definitely not getting back together!

I have no worries they will get back together at all. We are engaged and they are divorced (gonna get married next year )

I think she prob wanted to at some point when years passed without her having a new relationship - I would in her shoes def !

He never would want to . I just don’t like him having to factor in another woman !

@arboretum89 unfortunately his mum has taken over with the child, they have allowed it so I’m guessing she feels she can say/do what she wants.
I do feel like she wants him back, I feel like why else would she be making an obvious effort to be so close to his family still. I don’t think he wants her but I don’t get the jumping when she clicks her fingers part.

@niajade -guilt ?

@Sunnydays123456
Who knows 🤷🏽‍♀️ I’ve asked him numerous times what kind of hold she has over him for him to consistently try to please her. There is no excuse she’s not the type to stop anyone seeing the LO. There’s no reason for her to txt other than it to annoy me is how I feel now.

I know my partner feels a lot of guilt that he was awful their whole marriage and she wasted 20 years being unhappy and now can’t meet anyone

Whereas he is now v happy and she sees him being a fab calm dad to all our kids and loving partner to me

@Sunnydays123456 maybe it’s that as she had PND, but she’s done a lot of bad stuff since the split. Lying to his family trying to cause drama to make herself look better. He now says he thinks she’s a extremely selfish person. So I’m not sure it’s guilt. I have asked him if it’s guilt and he says no. Said he just doesn’t see an issue with helping her.

Yeah his ex has been struggling with mh since the split and I think he just wants it to be as non-bad for the kids as poss

I can’t become part of the new extended family really because she is still v much in that role - I felt like a spare part until I had my ds. Sorry, not helpful I know. If there was a family event and I knew she'd be there, I wouldn't go. I'd let my now ex go but mostly he wouldn't want to without me. Eventually the in-laws got the msg and started arranging separate events. They still do to this day. Good job they can afford it as it's now 3 lots of us to see separately as he now has a new partner! Lol.

I think he needs to ask her to stop attending family party’s. I think he needs to put your needs first.

I agree with pp. He should ask her to not attend the family get togethers. He's not asking her to cut all ties.

He won’t - he sees it as an attack on his kids

the only way to get through this as a couple is if you can harness your irked feelings into pity. Because this isn’t something your partner wants either & he is trying to create boundaries with her - so it’s not like you’re intruding on their happy co-parenting plan & inserting yourself where it’s not your business here !

She sounds kind of lonely & pathetic the way you describe. Learn to laugh at it & find her behaviour funny. Sitting at the kids table with the cousins & grandparents while you’re at the adult table ? You choose to let it annoy but change your mindset & it could potentially be something you chuckle at.

The paternal grandparents have more of an incentive to keep a good relationship with the ex as she is seen as the keeper of the children. If they mess up their relationship with her they will see the children less. So they are in the awkward position of having to keep everything sweet with the ex, or they lose grandkid access.

You don’t seem to read many threads here with issues of men continuing a close relationship with their ex- in laws which oversteps boundaries the way you see issues with women being close with their ex in-laws causing friction with new partners. But the paternal grandparents often feel at the mercy of the ex, fearing they won’t see grandkids as much. I’m sure some love the ex, but the relationship is often underpinned by that fear.

Sounds like they like you, which is positive! Practice exuding confidence, not caring & visualise your ill feelings sliding away like water off a duck’s back.

The only other solution is to end the relationship & choose boyfriends who don’t have this kind of enmeshed situation with an ex.

I worry about this when I move into another relationship because I have a great relay with my ex and I due to a child I still have contact with his family. For the sake of our child I would always like to do stuff together and attend the same events etc.. so hopefully a new partner will be ok with this. Im hoping that as long as I am always open with the new partner and including of the new partner that he will be ok with this.
My ex has a child with his ex and my biggest hate was that I was like a seperate entity. I had nothing to do with the ex