He cheated in the past

[user1466116005]

Hi everyone I’m desperate for advice from people outside of my circle..
So I’ve been with my fiancé since I was a teenager and I’m now fast approaching 30.
We have a 6 year old and a 2 month old, we’ve just bought a house together and are a happy family.
Before we got engaged he admitted that back in his younger days he messed about behind my back - texted girls and chatted them up on nights out etc and he felt really bad. I got over it. We’ve had some rough patches in our relationship but we’ve always worked through them. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with and I’ve never cheated. What he got up to in the past has always crept into my mind but I try to brush it off because of how far we’ve come in our relationship..

Anyway to the point, the other week we’d had a few drinks and he started telling me stories about his bad past. It pissed me off so much heating it but I didn’t let on because I wanted to know what he had to say, he then admitted that he slept around behind my back. He told me he felt so guilty about it and he has to live with it for the rest of his life and it hurts him knowing how he treat me etc I’m his queen and I was his first, last and forever. But he’s my only and the fact that he did this when he was in a relationship with me, why I was sat at home wondering where he was hurts me so much.
He said he had a bad past and bad role models in his life and he hates the person he was and doesn’t like talking about that time etc but what about me? I have to now after so many years live with the fact that he’s cheated on me. I feel like I can’t do anything or even be mad because it was so long ago and We have two kids and a house now and what’s being upset about the past going to do? But I don’t think I will ever look at him the same way, without imagining him with someone else.
Am I over reacting? I don’t know what to do. I have a new baby and I’m trying to keep myself focused on her and avoid PND because I suffered with it after my first baby. I’m feeling rubbish about myself and my baby weight at the same time I feel stuck.
Sorry for the essay I just need to know if I’m being over sensitive about the issue and any advice how to move forward would be amazing.
Thanks for taking the time to read x

Hello, you have every right to be hurt and furious. The fact that he is drip feeding you bits if information about his infidelity years later to relief his guilt to really tough on you. You need to be open with him and let him know how upset you are. You can't just bottle it up because it was years ago. You will never move on if you keep thinking like this. Do you want to stay with your partner?Some relate counselling might help you and your partner. I understand that you feel trapped as this information has come to light after you cemented your relationship with children. You have every right to feel this way but you need help to deal with this so you can enjoy your kids and your life. You deserve happiness and peace of mind. Good luck OP

I think you need to have a serious chat about this, sober. Ask the questions you need and see if he can answer them.

This seems to be a pattern some men do when they settle down too young. It’s like they feel trapped and want to (spread their seed so to speak) but know they’ve got a good woman at home so don’t end it with them.

That said, I think he’s being honest now. I’m not sure he’d do it again and he seems to be remorseful. You need to consider if you can live with this? How is your relationship generally now? Is he supportive?

I think you need to have a long chat and make a decision.

I think it is, in context, a positive sign of his personal growth that he has decided before you get married to be honest with you.

I am also assuming he was cheating at 17-early 20s?

Ultimately you have every right to be hurt and feel betrayed and this is enough to end a relationship over. However, it might also be the case that this man has grown up and will be one of the people who do not go onto cheat as committed adults. It all depends on how he handles this now and whether he really has done some self development work.

Thanks for your replies, he’s definitely changed 100%, he is very respectful of me and an amazing dad. He doesn’t go out like he used to and is very family focused, I believe because he removed himself from those situations that he wouldn’t cheat on me again - I’ve always been overly trusting of people I guess that’s my downfall.

He obviously sees it as a thing of the past that he regrets and that no longer matters but it’s because I’ve just found out now that he slept around. I’m angry because I feel he obviously kept this from me knowing fine well how I would’ve reacted back then but now I’m sort of stuck and it would be foolish to throw everything away. I guess the talk will have to happen at some point, I’m just the least confrontational person there is.

Thank you again for replying x

That's extremely shitty - making you think you knew the extent of his infidelity, that there was no sex involved etc. and then hitting you with this.

Maybe he has changed, and maybe his confession is a good sign (since someone with no conscience or who didn't think they'd really anything wrong wouldnt have confessed).
And I genuinely hope for your sake he has, but ......

You also know there is a lack of integrity and honesty in his character, and I would warn you to always be aware of what position you'd be in if he cheated again in future .. try to be working full-time or with the capacity to become full.tine don't neglect your earning ability, think.about how you'd manage if you had to on your own, doubt leave yourself any more dependent on him than you can avoid. Not a lovely way to have to pursue a marriage but he has form.

*don't

And in fact if you have more assets (now or potentially) than him, it may be better to not marry and stay partners - because the starting point for division of assets is 50-50, regardless of why the marriage is ending (eg infidelity/mistreatment).

He was very young and he came clean (to ease his conscience first and foremost).

I agree with the PP, do not make yourself anymore financially dependent on him than you have to be.

You have just had a baby but now is the time (post confession) to get him to step up and take half of the responsibility for childcare or arranging childcare.

You have to have the 'power' of being able to walk away. Maybe you won't. BUT KNOW THAT YOU COULD. Construct your life in such a way that you have the same freedoms he has.

If you know you have the choice to to walk away, it will remind you of your value. There is no hell worse than being financially dependent on a man who doesn't value you. I know that. It destroyed me. Took me longer to get away.

I hope he can understand that if he just found out you had slept with other men years ago and had led him to believe it hadn't gone that far, he would be hurting like hell.

It isn't confrontation it is having an open discussion about how you feel and how he is going to help you heal from the damage he has caused.

Absolutely agree with the advice from the other ladies here about ensuring you are always in the financial position to leave IF you wish to in the future. If you have inheritance to come, assets already or are the higher earner marriage may not be in your interests.

Exactly, whenever the past has come up before he always says ‘I told you everything before I asked you to marry me’ but he didn’t! He left out the most important detail of all, and he hasn’t mentioned it since that conversation the other week he’s just acted like it’s nothing. But I get it, if it was the other way round I’d never hear the end of it and I don’t think he would be so calm..

I have my own business, it’s early days but I always try and stay independent with regards to that, you just never know and clearly can’t rely on anyone too much..

I feel stronger already with your advice, I will just wait for the right time. X

I think given the fact you got together as teenagers I would forgive any infidelity from that time. When I think about how I was as a teenager I had the most terrible judgement and made some very stupid mistakes. I was a completely different person to the one I was at 30. As long as you're certain that he's a reformed character (and it sounds like he is as he doesn't go out so much and is very family focussed) I'd try and put it in the past and move on.

Best of luck to you Op

This will taint your whole relationship, and he has not only cheated on you but cheated you of your right to dump him at the time, instead wasting years more of your life only to shatter your reality at a time of his choosing.

He insisted before you were engaged that he'd told you everything, knowing that he was lying - do you realise how twisted that is?

I'd have him out on his arse, sorry.

This is a difficult one. Personally I have made many mistakes in my early 20s (now committed to being a better person) and I am grateful for second chances, so now I believe that everyone, no matter what the mistake, deserves one. In your scenario, going from your update about how he's a committed family man, I would forgive and move forward. It's not an excuse, but it's true young people do stupid things. People like to bleat on about 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' or 'LTB' in response to cheating posts on here, but that's not always true or helpful advice.

It’s obviously been playing on his mind. I bet he feels better dumping his secrets on you. I would ask him why he is telling you now.
My ex’s best friend rang me up at work six months after we split to tell me my ex had cheated on me. He was positioning it as I should know...but really he was just making himself feel better.

I think the main things that bother me is the fact that I have always been faithful to him, no matter what we were going through I never did anything to betray his trust. I’m aware people do things when they’re young and stupid but with him denying it I had built up this idea of him that he wouldn’t stoop that low and at least we have that special bond (as cheesy as it may be to some it meant a lot to me) and now I know we don’t. Also the fact that I was oblivious the whole time it’s just all a bit icky. As well as feeling stupid for being so trusting but like I said it was so long ago.

I do love him a lot and don’t want this to ruin us but at the same time I it’s eating me alive so I needed some advice and everything everyone have you have said is spot on and I appreciate it so much. Now I just have to work out how to deal with it.. x

As for the intrusive thoughts of him with other women, I would say just get into the habit of blocking them, otherwise they will intrude more and more.
Google 'retroactive jealousy' and check out YouTube vids on it.
They say the more you picture your partner with others the more the thoughts take over. So don't go there. There's no healing in it.
I know someone in the same boat as you who blocks the images with the logic: "why the hell should I be miserable with thoughts of actions that weren't my fault!?" The thoughts were making her snappy at the kids so she just blocks them. I appreciate that not everyone can do that though...

Always remember op you dont gave to deal with it unless you want to.

You've only just found out about (full) infidelity, it sounds like more than once, that would be a deal breaker for many people. Many people would not be able to get over the betrayal, the deceit, the hypocrisy, the lack of integrity.

There just the infidelity .. not even the deceit and manipulation of telling you one thing and letting you believe that for some time (and before you accepted a marriage proposal) and then telling you much worse.

I gave a measured response above but tbh if I found out a guy had acted this way to my female relative, I'd think he was a scumbag, and not good enough for her. I'd be heartbroken in her behalf that he tainted their relationship. I'd probably wish she cut her losses so she could start againb(child or not) with a hopefully decent guy who wasn't a cheater and liar, and let him pay the piper the real price he owes fir his behaviour (loss if the relationship). He's always be "that scummy wanker" to me.

*children or not

My aunt left her cheating husband with two kids btw. She dated unsuitables for a while (that was mostly down to her judgement at the time, no offence to her) but she eventually met a good guy who was divorced following his wife's infidelity. They are very well suited, he has been very good to her family, she has a good life with him, and she had a full, lovely white wedding in a country house near us.

You can always leave, you don't have to stay, you could leave for any reason you wanted but he's certainly done enough by anyone's yardstick.

I’m sorry this has happened to you and the way you came to know about it.
I would feel uncomfortable about his sudden need for integrity/burst of remorse. It might have been a one off and he might have changed but you will never know for sure because he lied all these years.
Something sounds off about the drunken confession so long after.

Some men self-justify infidelity because they feel neglected, they lack intimacy, they had a hard time, their partner gives more attention to a new baby etc etc etc. You had tough times too and you have not cheated!
Protect your heart OP 💐

That’s really helpful. Thank you

OP, my heart goes out to you. My DH did this to me. Like you, we were very young when we got together and he’s the only man I’ve slept with. In his early 20s, while we were together but often living apart because of studying/work, he took any opportunity he was offered to sow his wild oats. He wasn’t honest with me then because I would have ended the relationship. Most hurtful of all are the few times he did it after we got married, while he was away on business. I had absolutely no idea until some months ago when he suddenly confessed – also while drunk. The difference is that we are nearly 50, married 20+ years with teenage DCs.

I started a thread about it on here (under another name). We’d had other problems too and pretty much everyone said I should get rid of DH. (I’m not going to tell you what to do. It’s a horrible decision to have to make through no fault of your own. All I would say is that you don’t have to decide anything right now.)

I decided to try to forgive DH and give him another chance because (1) he insists that I’m the only woman he’s ever loved, he’s never had an affair, only ONSs that “didn’t mean anything” (though personally I find this compartmentalisation almost impossible to understand), (2) he didn’t have to tell me the truth, there is no way I would ever have found out, and (3) I can’t just turn off the love I had for him. I want to grow old with him (plus I’m not likely to find any other decent man at my age – which isn’t the case for you).

I said DH could stay on condition he started seeing a therapist every week, coming home from work earlier (until lockdown started) and cutting back on alcohol. He did all of these things. We did a lot of talking, trying to understand one another. But it’s been very hard. I know exactly what you mean about being eaten up by it and feeling stuck. My head was a mess and I struggled to focus on anything else for several months. I asked endless questions about the women (which he answered patiently). I’ve asked him hundreds of times whether he’s told me the whole truth now, trying to accept that I will never know. After years of trusting him 100%, I suddenly became ultra-suspicious and needed him to stay in touch far more than he used to (pre-lockdown).

"I feel like I can’t do anything or even be mad because it was so long ago"
Of course you can. Your feelings are totally natural. You are NOT being over-sensitive! Your past life together and your idea of him have been turned upside down. You need to express your hurt and anger to your DP and he needs to listen and understand the effect of his actions on you. Telling him how you feel doesn’t have to be confrontational. But also, for your own sake, try not to obsess over the details (believe me, I know how difficult this is).

Be kind to yourself. Be proud of your integrity and the person you are. You weren’t stupid to trust him – you were just assuming, quite rightly, that he held the same standards that you live by. Enjoy your beautiful new baby (congratulations by the way!) and your 6-year-old. Talk to a friend you trust IRL. Think about what you want and need. You don’t have to make any decisions now. Sending you lots of love x

Thank you so much for sharing that with me, reading your message made me so emotional. What a strong lady you are!! Your husband is luckier than he will ever know to have a wife like you.
I am trying hard not to over think because it was making me physically sick and I have my babies to think of so just trying to focus on them. I love him a lot and don’t want to lose him either but he needs to understand that I am shocked and hurt because I thought I’d forgiven him for a lot and thought that was bad enough. I think being with someone intimately is sacred and I honestly thought it’s what we had and it hurts to know we don’t. I don’t want to torture him over it either because I know he feels bad and regrets it but if it was the other way round I know he wouldn’t be so quick to let it go either.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I really hope it works out for you and your husband if that it what you truly want but age is just a number and everyone deserves to be happy. Lots of love back to you xx

Thanks for your kind words, OP. How are you doing now? Have you been able to talk to your DP about how you are feeling? I hope he's trying to understand and doing what he can to help you process it all. x

@user1466116005 , I think you need to tell him that whilst this may be all resolved for him and a long time ago that it is brand new information for you.
You have made life choices, remaining faithful, having a family and agreeing to marry him without access to this information.
I am sure he feels much better for having got it off his chest, but for you it’s the start of the process, and with a young baby.
Good luck with it, but be aware if he minimises or dismisses your feelings on this.
Because if he does he is saying you don’t get to participate in decisions about your life.
Also his guilty feelings didn’t extend to him telling you at the time, when you might have then made different decisions.

Being young is no excuse. He lied to you at the time and for many years, then for unclear reasons told you some stuff - you may well still not have the “whole truth”.

He sounds untrustworthy. If you decide to stay and you’re financially dependent on him or subjugate your paid work to benefit his, would change that asap.