He cheated in the past

[user1466116005]

Hi everyone I’m desperate for advice from people outside of my circle..
So I’ve been with my fiancé since I was a teenager and I’m now fast approaching 30.
We have a 6 year old and a 2 month old, we’ve just bought a house together and are a happy family.
Before we got engaged he admitted that back in his younger days he messed about behind my back - texted girls and chatted them up on nights out etc and he felt really bad. I got over it. We’ve had some rough patches in our relationship but we’ve always worked through them. He’s the only man I’ve ever been with and I’ve never cheated. What he got up to in the past has always crept into my mind but I try to brush it off because of how far we’ve come in our relationship..

Anyway to the point, the other week we’d had a few drinks and he started telling me stories about his bad past. It pissed me off so much heating it but I didn’t let on because I wanted to know what he had to say, he then admitted that he slept around behind my back. He told me he felt so guilty about it and he has to live with it for the rest of his life and it hurts him knowing how he treat me etc I’m his queen and I was his first, last and forever. But he’s my only and the fact that he did this when he was in a relationship with me, why I was sat at home wondering where he was hurts me so much.
He said he had a bad past and bad role models in his life and he hates the person he was and doesn’t like talking about that time etc but what about me? I have to now after so many years live with the fact that he’s cheated on me. I feel like I can’t do anything or even be mad because it was so long ago and We have two kids and a house now and what’s being upset about the past going to do? But I don’t think I will ever look at him the same way, without imagining him with someone else.
Am I over reacting? I don’t know what to do. I have a new baby and I’m trying to keep myself focused on her and avoid PND because I suffered with it after my first baby. I’m feeling rubbish about myself and my baby weight at the same time I feel stuck.
Sorry for the essay I just need to know if I’m being over sensitive about the issue and any advice how to move forward would be amazing.
Thanks for taking the time to read x

I’m going through the mixed emotions now, I sat down and spoke to him about it. He tried to deny it again and I told him I deserve to know. We pretty much talked all night about it. He said it was before I had my son so a long tome ago and he’s regretted the way he treat me and tortured himself for it etc. At first I was so calm (probably shock) and I was focusing on the fact that we’ve got kids now and a house and we should move forward but it’s been a few days since the talk and I’m really not feeling good. I keep replaying everything over and over and remembering back to time’s he left me and realising how stupid I was not to see it. I also can’t help but think wow I thought he really cared about me and loved me then so is he genuine or is he just telling me what I need to hear to move things forward. I feel like I don’t know him if that makes sense, I’m trying to focus on my babies and work outs to keep distracted but I’ve completely lost my appetite and I’m trying to act normal for the kids. I guess I will just have to see what happens. Thanks for messaging xx

I guess I will just have to see what happens.

No, you don't have to wait and see. You can act.

Please give high priority to your personal financial/work situation.

It sounds like he repeatedly cheated over many years.

he insists that I’m the only woman he’s ever loved

That's not love.

Betraying someone, deceiving someone treating them like they're a second class citizen (with less rights to fidelity and honesty than you) etc etc. is not love.

Or if that's love to someone, then it's love not worth having.

What a strong lady you are!!

I'll have to respectfully disagree.

People who work to accept repeated infidelity are strong only in the same way that a BDSM submissive is told they are "strong" for taking a beating/whipping well.

I've dated a guy like this, he was going through a divorce due to repeated infidelity. His wife had tried to stay with him but had eventually had enough. She was splitting die to the discovery of more than one affair (over decades).

What she didn't know - and what he told me due to lack of discretion and my appearance of not judging, was that he'd been cheating on her since day one. Before they were married, and continued after. When he was young he'd played football (semi) professionally and on trips away, the players had had plenty of opportunities with "groupies" in their hotel bar etc. ... Which he'd taken.

He continued with infidelity and went on golf trips with other middle aged men who found Portuguese brothels and had sex with young women there, while married to women they'd been with for decades a d had kids and grandkids with. Their wives probably thought they were way past that sort of thing, if it even occurred to them they'd cheat at all).
The only reason he hadn't taken full advantage was increasing erectile dysfunction.

What sits, entrenched, behind these guys behaviour is a fundamental belief that they are entitled to act like that and that it's not really, truly bad or wrong. That it's natural. That men need sex with other women (while women don't need sex with other men) and that, as long as you:re discrete and don't (intentionally) break up your main relationship over it, it's ok. It's the way things are. They feel entitled to it.

That mentality doesn't really change, and when women accept it, it's just more proof for their internal belief that it's the natural way of things. Men get it on the side, try to be discrete, women aren't entitled to the same, and they'll ultimately put up with it. Especially if they believe it's not "serious" and no threat to their relationship/marriage. In fact they've win the "prize" by having him stay in a household/family with them rather than leaving.

*won

Don't be surprised if it they do it again sooner or later with that mentality.

Even if they didn't, you're in a fundamentally unequal relationship .. because they made it unequal. They treated you like a second class, inferior person - who should accept what they wouldn't accept - whatever their protestations of love. They don't know what love is.

"Love is not selfish ...".

Their behaviour is inherently, fundamentally selfish.

I’m his queen

This means his "reliable, faithful woman at home whilst he shags about as he wants".

He's telling you this so you effectively give him permission to cheat after you are married. He will then have half your assets. Sell your house.

Who owns the house?

Yeah - he's trying to make you feel privileged that, while he's shagged loads of other women behind you back, you're "number one" lol.

What a privilege, what an honour. What a prize to win.

So my options are to stay and try and work on things and hope it doesn’t happen again.. or leave and be alone with two kids and break the family up. My heads all over the place with it all. I feel like it’s a bad dream. I appreciate all your advice I’m just so lost.

The "it's like a bad dream" part is called dissociation. You're disempowered, and so you disconnect - it 'saves' you by making you feel helpless enough to stop taking any action whatsoever, and so you default back into a shitty relationship.

It's time to grow up in the best sense of the word: become an adult, make difficult choices, and save yourself and your kids.

For me it wouldn't even be the risk that it would happen again, it would be what he's done and how he's treated me up to this.

(And he didn't even give you the chance to make a decision with factsvall this time because he lied about doing anything at all (by omission) and then he lied to you face about the extent of what he did). Now he thinks he'll benefits from his long he lied to you because you will feel like you're throwing away investment and history. Well your history is based on lies and your investment is only what you chose it to be.

*how long

Which is not to say I don't think there's a risk he'll cheat again. He has a lot of form.for cheating and lying.

He also probably thinks you'll never leave, no matter what he dies. You're "stuck" with his kids, you'll be married, you've only ever been with him, and you'll have accepted this.

*or leave and be alone with two kids and break the family up

You're unlikely to be alone (without a partner) after a while, if you choose not to be.

He should take the kids for a good portion of the time. Unless he's a deadbeat dad too

You wouldn't be the one breaking up the family.

Relationship 101
Don't have sex with other people behind your partner's back in a monogamous relationship and expect them to stay with you. No matter how long you leave it to tell them, or whether or not you let them have kids with you without telling them you've done that. He thinks the last two things (time and kids) will keep you stuck.

You wouldn’t be breaking up the family, his actions would have caused it. He would still have the opportunity to be a good father.

You might find counselling (alone) helpful.

Personally I would choose a breakup while DC are small over staying and the risk of further pain and breaking up later due to future revelations about his past, future infidelity, and / or your feelings about his past infidelity.

I'm sorry you're in this position op, take your time. He certainly took his telling you the truth.

Thank you all for responding and for your advise. I’ve got some serious thinking to do.

Best of luck xx

OP, how young are you talking when the cheating occurred?

Early 20s I think