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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH rated 'worst hubbie' by friends whilst on holiday & feel REALLY annoyed!!

56 replies

emfjh · 21/09/2007 14:50

Whilst on hol rcently (with 5 other couples & ten kids (!), 1 couple had no children)my dh was voted, quite lightheartedly I imagine, 'worst husband' for being the hubbie who helped with kids least/stayed in bed longet/ never offered me a lie-in/drank most etc etc) & all 'voted' by couple with no children.
Despite it all probably being jokey & 'a laugh', it made me really angry that our, so called, friends cold judge us so critically & announce it everyone!
Any else had this done to themso is it just me with a crap hubbie??

OP posts:
motherinferior · 21/09/2007 16:50

Oh god that H-word is even worse with IE than Y.

Er, it sounds as if they were saying something not based so much on their opinions as on hard quantitative data, ie verifiable fact. He scored lowest. Is that your friends' fault?

Pruners · 21/09/2007 16:51

Message withdrawn

Pruners · 21/09/2007 16:52

Message withdrawn

Meeely2 · 21/09/2007 16:52

me finks she has buggered off!

Pruners · 21/09/2007 16:52

Message withdrawn

Elizabetth · 21/09/2007 16:54

They didn't judge the two of you, they judged him.

Sometimes its really uncomfortable to watch a person being treated badly by someone else, it sounds like they were trying to express their discomfort in a jokey way.

Why does your husband think it's OK to lie in on holiday and drink too much, leaving you to take care of the kids whilst he lazes around?

motherinferior · 21/09/2007 16:58

DP's brother once referred to DP as my 'hubby'. I think he kind of got the message that this was, er, not flavour of the month

warthog · 21/09/2007 17:03

yeah i want to know what your dh said! did he mend his ways?

mytwopenceworth · 21/09/2007 17:11

What part of that was judging you?? They were judging your husband for being a lazy git who left all the childcare and the fetching and carrying to you. Sounds like they care about you!

I'd be mad if a friend of mine was being treated like this.

I'd be thinking about the message they were sending you.

Don't shoot the messenger and all that....

hatwoman · 21/09/2007 17:13

It is a bit wierd though - even when I;ve set myself up for it by having a whinge about dh on here - I hate it when other people join in! i think it's because criticism from within the relationship is direct criticism of the individual. but criticism from outside the relationship feels like a criticismm of the relationship, ie a criticism of you as well. (you referred to them as juding "us")

having said that it does sound like your friends were basing this on empirical evidence and most likely had very good intentions - wanting to influence his behaviour.

Don;t be mad with your friends. take a deep breath and forget it. but do get mad with, ahem, hubbie.

kerrykatona · 21/09/2007 17:25

were your friends left to help you with the kids when dh did not??

my aunt is married to someone who does everything that your dh does on holiday (and when at home) so whover is around usually has to step in and help her wth her 3 ds's (my cousins)

maybe they were all a bit pissed of (esp the childless couple) that there holiday was taken up doing things that your dh should have been doing.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 21/09/2007 17:26

He sounds like a real catch.

Original poster
emfjh · 21/09/2007 18:29

Intersting to read all thoughts - thanks.
To be honest he's got better after comments & since hols. Not alot of time to write now though will say, yes to be fair it's probably him I'm annoyed at rather than friends but was quite annoyed they could talk about it so matter of fact like & not consider (before saying it) the implications of saying it ie. as someone earlier said, no one else apart from those in a rel'ship know the dynamics of it & maybe how one party may struggle with the others' behaviour/ways.
Will add more tom

OP posts:
MamaD · 21/09/2007 20:45

emfjh,

I actually WISH that my friends would say something like this to my dh - if only to get him to see quite how unfair he is being. I had exactly the same holiday - made even worse by the fact that I didn't have any friends to help out and dh pissed off to (yet) another pub every day for 4 hrs - for a 'break'. By the the end of the first week he'd spend ALL of our 'mad money' on booze - AND we were all inclusive, so he didn't need to.

I really really wish I had friends like yours (altho, I'm sure that if they did say it I would end up defending him....... just to stop an arguement brewing. No fool like an old fool huh?!)

I do empathise - A LOT. But maybe this might end up being a good thing for you.....

FrannyandZooey · 21/09/2007 20:50

Well I presume the OP loves her husband and feels loyalty to him and presumed that her friends would not publicly humiliate or criticise him, because they are his friends

it does sound like perhaps he needs a kick up the bum and that they have been holding back from saying anything, but no, this isn't really clever or kind or adult behaviour

imagine it the other way round - bloke comes on here saying a group of their friends voted his wife worst mother in front of everyone and said that she was a crap cook, lazy housewife, had let herself go etc

would you all think it was ok then?

mytwopenceworth · 21/09/2007 21:38

No, the other way round would be if a man came on here and said his mates had voted his wife worst wife because she left him to do everything with the kids while she slept in every day and got drunk every night.

And I would say that his wife was being bloody unfair and that his mates were probably pissed off that he was being treated like that.

hunkermunker · 21/09/2007 23:51

Not equal scenari, Franny - they weren't saying it re being a crap cook or a shit lay, more of a lazy toad. And if she was being a lazy toad and was voted worst wife for it, I'd say fair play too.

handlemecarefully · 22/09/2007 00:05

I think it was crass, and rude and not their place to comment.

If they really think you are treated badly by your dh / taken for granted as some posters suggest, they should talk to you about it privately and with sensitivity not joke about it openly when drunk and lairy

handlemecarefully · 22/09/2007 00:09

Well am assuming this was conversation over wine....guess it might have been sober discussion around the sunbeds?

FrannyandZooey · 22/09/2007 00:16

well, stereotypical good husband = helps with kids, helps round the house etc

stereotypical good wife = attractive, keeps house nice etc

I think they are hitting him where it hurts here and I have no idea whether or not it is justified, but it certainly isn't pleasant for the OP

hunkermunker · 22/09/2007 00:17

I don't think it's about stereotypes though. It's about him being a lazy arse and letting her do all the work. I don't see that as gender-specific.

FrannyandZooey · 22/09/2007 00:19

no, but I think my example was comparable, that was what I was saying.

I wouldn't like this said in front of a group of my friends, about my dh, whatever the reason

if you think they are genuinely trying to help her out because the dh is an arse, surely there are 100 better ways than this?

if they aren't doing that, then they are just making fun of something that she doesn't find funny

MrsMarvel · 22/09/2007 00:20

I read into this that as a group of friends they see it as a compliment to dh!! They wouldn't have said it otherwise. Men try and laugh off their foibles. Among many men it is sadly still seen as weak to be doing the parenting family stuff. As it was the couple with no dcs making the judgement I guess it was amusing to them as a couple.

It's that kind of thing you get when people say oh, he's still in bed and roll their eyes and shrug and say Men! My friends do that all the time. Because my dp's crap too. On the other hand I would appreciate someone telling him that. I always appreciate any comments that bring me nearer to the truth.

PS I'm in a BAD MOOD.

hunkermunker · 22/09/2007 00:23

There might be better ways With Hindsight.

But I've tried "better ways" with friends of mine and they didn't work. This in a more abusive relationship than this sounds, admittedly, but sometimes this sort of thing is all that gets through.

After all, the emfjh is now thinking about her relationship and it sounds like her DH has been a bit shamed into behaving better. Not the best way of changing behaviour in the first place, but who knows, he might enjoy the change?

1dilemma · 22/09/2007 00:36

Can I just say well done to emfjh who has taken all the comments about her dh (and her use of the word hubbie) very well, a lot of people would have got upset!!