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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please!

34 replies

Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 14:31

Hi everyone! Please could you give me some advice.... I work as a professional frontline keyworker and I'm coming up for retirement age. Given the situation I thought that this is a good opportunity to retire. DH works from home fairly high salary but my pension is rather small as kids and part time for most of my career. So I said to DH can we discuss this and talk about finances. Big kick off. Basically saying he cant afford to give me any money.....haven't asked.
Also he due an inheritance in a few years and he said he might not get any of it...care home etc but I'm sure he would.
Also said we would not be able to do any work on house etc. Said he didn't want a joint account as I wouldn't change. Not sure what this means as I've never asked him for money.
Lockdown has been ok but he does tend to live in his bubble and he's very quiet. Maybe quietly resentful but doesn't communicate.
Just thought he might be more thoughtful as to the situation. I could always go back after all this blows over.
Feel stuck between staying in a job in which Im frightened or put up with this unkindness.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 31/05/2020 14:37

What would he need to give you money for?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2020 14:40

He sounds like he does not want to share at all. I would now be wondering is this really someone who you would want to spend your life, let alone retirement with.

I guess you have separate bank accounts given what he has said too.
Are you basically paying for everything to do with your children and yourself here?. What does he spend "his" money on?. He also living in his bubble and being non communicative are not good indicators re him either.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2020 14:41

Does he earn more than you?. What if any access to "his" salary do you have?. I presume he does not care about or for the concept of family money with all moneies being shared.

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 14:58

Yes he earns much more than me. About 75k. Don't have access to his account and never have as I have always worked and had my own. Yes we would miss my money as I pay for holidays, kids treats, etc etc. Just wanted to take my pension now and then return to work part time later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 14:59

No never family money that's what my salary has been for....he pays the bills but they are very low.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2020 15:54

So you have facilitated his lifestyle at your overall expense. I guess too that if your money did not pay for a holiday there would be no holiday.

What does he do with his money?

I would be having a chat with a Women’s Aid, this is reading like financial abuse. What is he like with you also day to day, also this dismissive?.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 15:58

Your marriage sounds more like a business relationship than loving one. What's the point of even being married to him? He sounds dreadful. I think he's made it quite clear as to how much he values you as his wife.

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 16:31

He saves the rest of his money. He gets angry if I ask how much he has and emails me the amount rather than just say. Odd I know. He is very self contained and can be dismissive and mansplaining. He gets in a routine and nothing changes. It’s like Groundhog Day. Maybe he’s on the spectrum I don’t know. He seems unaware of how this affects me and is genuinely shocked and defensive if I challenge him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2020 16:39

What are his parents like and how do you get on with them, I would think that one of them acts like he does. Attitudes to money are generally learnt from home life.

He can communicate, he chooses not to do so with you because in his head you are beneath him. He treats you with that much disdain and does this also because he can.

What happens if you go short one month money wise, how do you make up any shortfall?. Or do you yourself go without?. What is he doing while all that is going on. He does not want to share and will never share with you.

He is not on any spectrum, he just wants to keep you in the financial and emotional hole he has partially dug for you. If a friend of yours was describing this of her marriage what would your own counsel be here?.

pog100 · 31/05/2020 16:40

Well you need to challenge him good and hard don't you? Unless you married a toyboy I assume retirement isn't too distant for him. I find it hard to read about these marriages where people not only have little to no idea about others finances but also don't seem to have discussed it. After children surely it's the most important thing in a relationship. It should be all shared! It's in the vows, it's implicit, you look after each other. I know it's extreme but you might remind him that if you divorce, courts definitely see it as shared.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2020 16:46

He knows how it affects you, he does not care about you. All he cares about is his own bank balance.

What are you getting out of this at all. You are with a man here whom you also describe as, “self contained, dismissive and mansplaining”. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?.

picklemewalnuts · 31/05/2020 16:47

As you are married, I'd divorce him and enjoy your retirement.

He's done you over financially your entire marriage, from the sound of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 16:49

Your marriage sounds so cold and miserable. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?

funnylittlefloozie · 31/05/2020 16:49

He sounds horrible. I wonder how happy he'd be if you stopped running around after him, and only shopped and cooked for yourself. How much equity is there in the house? Could he buy you out of your share, and would that be enough for you to get a little house or a flat of your own?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 16:59

Could he buy you out of your share, and would that be enough for you to get a little house or a flat of your own?

Sod that! The op is entitled to A LOT more than that.

Op, get a shit hot solicitor and get the hell out of there.

FlowerArranger · 31/05/2020 17:26

This is such a sad story. Sad, infuriating and quite baffling. OP - it seems you have lived like this for decades - why? Who pays for food, clothes, going out, entertainment, et cetera? Have you never discussed this with him, or challenged him? Personally I would bail out now. Get a really good divorce lawyer and get whats due to you - which is at least 50% of all assets. And start living!!

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 17:46

Disdain is the right word. He does all the cooking well since the kids grew up and he is obsessed by it. It’s all he talks about and holds it over me..I make all your food....I do everything else. He is silent whilst eating. If I ever talk about my feelings which is rare he starts rubbing his face and becomes agitated. If I say why are you doing that he denies it. Normally I’m independent and just get in with it but Covid has scared me.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 18:10

I hope you have a massive wake-up call and make the choice to absolutely refuse to live this way. You could have many wonderful years ahead of you, but not if you stay with him. Don't get to the end of your time on earth consumed with regret.

joystir59 · 31/05/2020 18:16

Go and get some legal advice about filing for divorce. He does not, on the face of what you've shared here, love you. What did he mean by "you"ll never change"?

Original poster
Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 18:52

Bump

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckers2018 · 31/05/2020 18:55

He said that so he wouldn’t have to have a joint account. He meant I’d spend all his money I think! Well I never have.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 31/05/2020 20:30

You need to see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Gather important documents quietly- things like bank statements, anything financial. He clearly doesn't want to share.

It may be he has a personality disorder or isn't neurotypical something he can't help, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it. You have earned a share of a life that you enjoy. He doesn't get to tell you what that looks like.

Please stop pondering and get out. You deserve better.

picklemewalnuts · 31/05/2020 20:31

What happens when you stand up to him? If you refuse to do what he says?

TorkTorkBam · 31/05/2020 20:36

Sounds miserable. Wouldn't you be happier on your own?

category12 · 31/05/2020 20:38

Sounds like he's been miserly throughout your marriage.

Might be worth thinking about divorce and getting your share that way, if he won't share while you're together.