I regret it and I don’t know how to get out of it

[DorothysGherkin]

I got together with my very long term friend last year but I’m realising that I just don’t have romantic feelings for them.

I don’t know how to tell them without it ruining our friendship. I don’t want to hurt them especially as they have very low self esteem as it is.

I’m the type of person who usually just goes with what makes other people happy and find it difficult to put myself first if it will cause pain to others. This is especially so because this is my very good friend first and foremost.

Anyone else been in this position or can share some words of wisdom please?

You need to end it, for both your sakes. You might lose the friendship though. Sorry.

Is your partner male or female? It matters because their capacity for violence/stalking etc will affect how you break up.

Pretending you have romantic feelings for him is far more cruel than being honest. Don't you think he deserves to be with someone who truly loves him, not wasting his affections on someone who's too wet to be truthful? You're playing with this man's emotions right now, which I don't think is intentional, but you are.

If he is really such a good friend of yours, you will tell him the truth and quickly.

My friend doesn’t have a violent bone in their body so I’m not worried about that.

I probably should have mentioned in the op, but my friend has never been in a relationship before, claiming they have only ever wanted to be with me so never bothered with anyone else. That feels like a lot more pressure than if I thought they would be able to move on and be with someone else (I hope they can be but I don’t think they will due to the self esteem issues).

I agree with Aquamarine - you're trying to be kind, but actually you're hurting your friend by stringing them along. Have more respect for them than that. I think its interesting that you regard them as so weak that they won't make it without you. Do the right thing and cut her free - it seems awful but its better than leaving someone hanging on.

I did this a few years ago. I let it go on for several months before letting him know my feelings, and I think that hurt more than just coming out and being honest to begin with.
To be honest, our friendship hasn't been the same since unfortunately. But they will not thank you for staying with them for the wrong reasons.

Their self-esteem issues are not a reason to avoid the truth. Your friend has to take responsibility for their own mental health.

Also, this isn't going to just magically go away. You don't have romantic feelings for them and that will not change. It's been a year already, do you think waiting another year will make this any easier on them? It will only make It infinitely worse.

Are “they” gender neutral?

I think gender is important for context here.

“You need to end it, for both your sakes. You might lose the friendship though. Sorry.”

This. Or you may lose the friendship temporarily. It’s a shame but it’s a risk you both took when you decided to try and have a romantic relationship. And for the record, I think it was a reasonable risk because it might have led to a glorious long-term partnership together. But you deserve to feel romantic about your romantic partner and if you don’t, it’s not right for you and indeed it’s not right for them either because they deserve to have a partner who feels romantic about them.

It’s a shame it hasn’t worked out that way but prolonging the situation will make it worse. And as for their low self-esteem - that’s not something you can fix for them.

Someone posted the following fabulous expression on another thread: “You can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” (you might do it for your children but you shouldn’t do it for anyone else).

when They’ve said things to you along the lines of there only ever being happiness/relationship potential with you, how do you respond? Have you told them you’re in love, happy etc etc or have you tried playing things down? Basically, will it completely blind side them?

“I probably should have mentioned in the op, but my friend has never been in a relationship before, claiming they have only ever wanted to be with me so never bothered with anyone else. That feels like a lot more pressure than if I thought they would be able to move on and be with someone else (I hope they can be but I don’t think they will due to the self esteem issues).”

OP - what you’re describing is emotional blackmail on your friend’s part. That’s like saying you belong to them. No-one gets to decide that another person should be theirs in that way. It’s hopelessly codependent and actually rather abusive. No adult owes another adult a relationship. If they genuinely feel that way then, frankly, they need to grow up.

And in fact, your friend’s low self-esteem may well improve when your friend stops trying to control you and force you into a romantic relationship you don’t want to be in.

Hmm, if I’m really honest, I did feel a lot of pressure from her. I’d had a really bad year with various things and we became closer. I talked a lot about spending some time alone and not in a relationship so they should have been aware. But they started getting very physical with me and of course I wanted them to be happy so I went along with it. I know I need to deal with my people pleasing tendency (hangover from childhood abuse) which was my motivation for being alone.

Having said that, I don’t think my friend’s motivations are malicious. It does feel very pressured though. They say often that they don’t think I really want to be with them but I don’t know if that’s them picking up on my body language or their low self esteem.

it’s really hard being in the position of breaking up when they have a whole love story in their head & you’re not feeling it.

This will be a tough break up for you, because they will cry, beg, guilt, maybe threaten to hurt themselves, they will want you to reconsider & give them a chance.

At the end of the day it’s unlikely this person with such a one tracked mind for you will want to listen to what you feel & respect your decision.

You will need to stop all contact for awhile or indefinitely to give them time to accepts& move forward.

It’s like a bandaid - you know you must remove it. Whether you peel it off slowly or rip it off quick, the end result will be the same.

You are leading them on so if you can reframe it in your mind to see you’re doing them a kindness long term maybe that will help ease your guilt over it.

All the best, break ups suck for both sides

Reading your follow up post this person is likely quite emotionally immature & unstable. They can’t see past their own needs & desire for you. Ultimately their concept of love is quite selfish.

They were never your true friend if they always had designs for you.

@BitOfFun

Is your partner male or female? It matters because their capacity for violence/stalking etc will affect how you break up.

This isn’t really relevant. Women can be just as violent and stalk/harass every bit as well as a male.

Honestly break ups like this are never easy and it’s awful to break someone’s heart BUT absolutely necessary for you both in the long run. You will both recover from this, perhaps your friendship won’t though. You won’t know until you do it. Try to be very clear and don’t leave avenues for them to try and work on things. Just do it and walk away. Then cut contact t for a while and do not feel guilty for doing something like this for yourself. You friend will be fine.

Regardless of if you’re male or female in this situation: break up with her. Be honest, let her know that you’ve tried your best to feel more but the spark just isn’t there for you. Do not give in to tears or emotional blackmail, if she becomes violent leave immediately and call the police. Perhaps record the conversation to protect your own back (as I’ve known low confidence, quite, meek people to turn into monsters at a break up and make false allegations of rape and abuse, it will ruin your life.) Also, the day of the break up let someone know that you should be at X place at X time after you’ve spoke to her, unless they hear from you then they’re to phone you and make sure you’re alright. Do not react except to leave if she becomes violent.

You are responsible for letting this situation happen when in fact it sounds as if you never really wanted this relationship, so you need to take responsibility for ending it. Yes, you will cause hurt, and it may end the friendship, but what are you going to do — marry this person against your will because it will make them happy?

Put your own feelings first.

And I’ll be honest and say I don’t like the sound of your friend. She sounds emotionally manipulative and to have turned performative vulnerability into a fine art.

I think you have to accept that no matter how sensitively you handle this you will hurt your friend and the friendship may well be lost for ever. Given that your friend sounds emotionally immature, you have to be the sensible one in this situation. End it and then go no contact for a long, long time. Any attempts to be kind to her and stay a supportive friend will only prolong the situation and give her hope that things will change.

I've been in this situation tbh, and it does suck. But honestly, it's better to end it sooner rather than later.

The friend who wanted to be my romantic partner, also put our relationship on fast forward, and wanted to be like we'd been together years straight away. It was very overwhelming. He told me about past break ups, and say to me "But you'd never do that to me. You'd never leave me and break my heart". He put a lot of pressure on, and it was all just completely wrong. When I ended it, he didn't want to be friends. He would just message me occasionally to try to get me to explain something I'd put on social media to him. As if I had to answer to him for everything. I ended up blocking him completely. Hopefully he'll be better off. I certainly am.

Tbh, OP, if you were on here saying that you had told a male friend that you’d had a really tough year and wanted some time alone, and he had started getting very physical with you and pressurising you into being in a sexual relationship with him (which is what she has done) we would be calling this sexual assault, perhaps even rape. She’s behaved appallingly and clearly has no idea what love really is or rather - what love does. Love does not force an unwilling partner into a relationship. And she knows you don’t feel the same - she’s picking up on it because it doubtless shows.

I think you need time away from this person - as much for you as for her. She has behaved very selfishly towards you and manipulated you when you were vulnerable.

Oh dear, it sounds like you were almost guilted into the relationship in the first place. You need to end it, sorry, and there's no way of doing it without hurting her.

I've been on both sides of this and it's shit. But you have to end it - and you will lose the friendship sorry.

You're not people pleasing if you are wasting her life. You are just afraid of confrontation, fair enough but wasting her time all the same. Cut her (you already said "her" so you can stop the they- and themming) loose so she can get over you and find someone who does love her. I do think that it would be best to step back from the friendship, she'll not get over you if you keep being there,

It wasn't really a friendship if she was just waiting for you to agree to be in a relationship with her. You need to woman up (or man up, IDK if you're a man or woman) and end it. Her emotional well-being is not your responsibility.