Mental abuse, no confidence, porn and other women

[Nursing2029]

Hi
I really need advice on how to improve my confidence and walk away from this man.
I am a divorced mum of two, I have been in this relationship for 4 years pretty much after my marriage breakup.
This guy was wonderful, everything I wanted.
Soon I noticed he would always mention pretty girls, for obscure reasons just to drop them in the conversation.
I then discovered weird porn on his phone he denied it.
He has recently become quick tempered and a woman from his running club, began messaging him a year ago. Just links to races etc but still made me uncomfortable.
I have since realised he messaged her too, a very praising message and quite franklyflirty.heswore it was a one way street and that I should trust him.
I know this sounds like I am an obsessive jealous person but i wasnt. I am now though, constantly looking for signs he has been watching porn or in contact with this woman.
I feel awful :(

@Babdoc
I am so relieved to be reading this stuff, I have felt like I have been going mad.
He has made me feel like I need him and I know I dont.
He comes across as the funny guy and comedian to everyone else and utterly negative and miserable in my company.
Thanks for your support x

Yeh I had a conditional for uni too and he said if i got in we would move to the city together. But when I got in it was 'I dont think that city is right for US' (the relationship wasnt 'official' at that point in time, despite us being together 2 or 3 years, so it was like he was saying 'if you stay, then there will be an 'us'). And "I don't think you'd cope all alone in the city'.

I went anyway! :)

But it was another 2 years before I propely walked away from him.

If they don't want good things for us then they shouldnt be in our lives.

@Bunnymumy
This guy is 46 years old and he is offering me no form of commitment, probably something I should be glad of to be honest.
I have been trying to find the courage to walk for over a year. X

Definately walk. I think with us both being young things the 'seeing someone' status wasnt as bothersome for me (after the first year or so I wasnt that fussed xD) but I look back on it now and realise it was a way of keeping me in my place. Basically 'you are good enough to have around but I'm too good for you and you have to know you are lucky to have any of me'.

Tbh. I realise now I was too good for him. I wasnt lucky to have him at all. All else aside, he was a misery guts.

Keeping you in a seeing someone position gives them the excuse to treat you like shit by flirting (perhaps more) with other women and then being able to turn round and say 'we arent official so you have no right to be jealous'. They like blatantly disrespecting you and getting away with it.

Fuck.that.shit.

Is validation a narcissistic trait

It is virtually the narcissistic trait in a way. Every action they take is to get a response from people, usually admiration, or some other emotion which helps them manipulate the person and get stuff from them, even if it's just adoration.

It's not just that you need the courage to walk away- walking away will give you a boost. Not just because he's pulling you down, but also that if you leave you will be affirming to yourself that you are worth more; that this is not an ok way to treat you.

@bunnymumy
Thanks for your honesty :)
Hopefully I am looking back on this soon, I keep saying next week next week and even if he goes to leave I panic.
This all sounds so familiar.
I didnt think people could be so bloody horrible, never mind to someone they are supposed to love.

Thanks :)

@NoMoreDickheads
Wow he makes out that I have an issue with social media if I mention it in the slightest.
I dont have an issue but have had issues when we are sitting in watching a film etc and he decides to post something that will spark a reaction.
Last weekend it was a ten year old post which resulted in a lengthy conversation via facebook with the "friend" from his club.
Thanks for your reply xx

They arent like us, they don't have the capacity for love. I think we stay with these sorts for longer than we should because we try to find reasons why they behave in such hurtful ways by considering why WE might behave that way. So we think - 'it must be a misunderstanding or maybe I'm over reacting ect..because they are with me so they must care about me so they couldn't have meant to hurt me'.

But the truth us that sometimes they DO mean to hurt you. The rest of the time, they dont care if they do (or it's just a bonus!) because your feelings mean nothing to them.

They are not like us. They are basically... playground bullies. Nasty little shits that enjoy treating people badly.

Hope you get away quickly and safely from the creep!

Defo check out those melanie tonia Evan's youtube videos, they are proper eye opening! Xx

@Bunnymumy
You have hit the nail on the head. I just cant understand why anyone would willingling be like this.
He flipped one day when I put the holiday on tv while he was napping.
I will definitely watch these , thanks xx

There's several recent threads on these here at the moment. Have a read and see for yourself how utter fucking unimaginative these people are. As I was saying to a friend earlier it's like they get some sort of used manual which they stick to.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3914061-Do-lots-of-men-do-this-thing-my-husband-does

This ones a real prize! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3921302-Been-asked-not-to-text-as-much

Not the worst one but.. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3885935-20-years-in-it-s-dawned-on-me

@Vodkacranberryplease
The worrying thing and comforting thing is I can relate to each of these.
I am so glad I posted this, I have been thinking this behaviour is absolutely normal and it's me that is being unreasonable.
Thanks so much xx

This guy has messed my head up so much I have had 5 months off work at the end of the year. I cant believe I have let it get to this.
Thanks so much for all the support xx

Yes that tends to be the way it goes. OP comes on saying 'am I going mad'? And bit by bit it comes out - yet another narcissistic arsehole. If you think it's wrong it is. There some great recs for books and websites too

@Vodkacranberryplease
It's so good to hear it's not me.
I have been accused of being touchy, jealous , mad the list is endless. He is a good liar too. Xx

Is he good looking or great in the sack or something? Just wondering cause it's like, why do we put up with that shit for so long otherwise xD

My ex was handsome...almost non sexual though. But handsome. Otherwise I think I would have been outa there even before I knew his shit personality was a deliberate manipulation designed to mess with my head.

Still a sucker for a pretty face, me. But not a sucker anymore lol. Second they start displaying any narcissistic tendencies, I'm off running.

@Bunnymumy

My marriage was totally sexless, this relationship isn't and I think that is a bit of the appeal if I am honest. I thought that part of my life was over.
Apart from that not much appeal, sleeps a lot and moans a lot. Why am I doing this??
I just cant believe grown men act like this xx

Emotionally stunted. Never developed compassion, empathy, kindness ect... personally I think there should be a register for these sort of ...people (*cough - monsters).

@Bunnymumy
I totally agree. Did your ex ever get physically abusive or aggressive?

No. I actually had 3 in my life (one was a friendship and another I lived with for a year at uni) at one point in and around that same time (between the age of 18 and 23ish) but none were violent. Although the guy I lived with did make me feel scared due to how malignant he was tbf.

Its insane what a wreck they can reduce you to. I guess I got unlucky because, for a year of it especially, there was no restbite. No one to turn to that wasnt a black hearted bastard :/

I realise now that when you have one in your life (not knowing what they are) often there are others about in other capacities.

I think getting free of the horrible overt narc flatmate and covert fake friend gave me the courage to finally end things with him too. Because even though I had just started to learn about narcissists and didnt tweak he was one too (I guess part of me just always wanted to see the best in him) I knew he wasnt good for me.

I've been lucky since then in that I can spot them a mile off. I look back and am still horrified that I found myself in that situation. But you see, having one in your life, erodes your boundaries so much that other ones can skip in if you arent careful.

They dont need to hit you. They can get into your head and do the damage that way. So much damage.

@Bunnymumy
Thanks for your honesty.

That sounds like an awful experience, it must be good to be at the other side of it all.

It sounds a bit dramatic I almost feel like I am drowning in it.
I feel like some of the good must come back or he can't be that bad.
I have such a fear that everyone will be like that.
His favourite is - you pushed my buttons.
He flipped out because I wanted to watch the holiday while he was having a nap because he didnt like it.
My head feels so messed up.
Thanks so much for your help and support xx

I swear that one year that the three were about I thought I was literally going nuts. But the one I lived with was a big time gaslighter so that was probably the main culprit.

Yeh they like to tell you their nasty behaviour is somehow your fault.

Your feelings are valid! Remember that. They like to make you feel you have no right to feel hurt or to expect anything of them or to have boundaries. You do and your feelings are valid!

It wasnt until I'd had a good month away from psycho flatmate that my head felt clearer. Catch twenty two unfortunately, you gotta get out to think straight. But you somehow have to think straight to for long enough to get out in the first place :/

@Bunnymumy
That sounds like it was a really tough time for you, you must be a strong woman.

That is spot on, if I say you are making me feel this way or that way he says it's not him.
Another favourite is never getting back to me via message etc but if anyone else contacts him he is straight on it.
All small things but added up enough to make me out to be the mad woman.

I think I will need to leave soon, the thing is he has asked me to leave and threatened to leave loads and for some reason I panic.
Horrible place to be xx

Yeh it's strange how they can be so shit yet they've created this fear that they might leave for someone else.

I think they create this competition with other women or a need for us to prove ourselves in some way to them. We get caught in this cycle of trying to prove we are good enough (or good in general/that we care about them ect). Instead of thinking- wait a minute, is he actually good enough for me? Is HE a good person? Is he loyal? Does he really care about me?

They make us look inwards so that we dont take a good look at them. They are the ones that dont care enough, that are cold, heartless, disloyal and unworthy.

@Bunnymumy
Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It really helps to realise I am not mad and it's not me .
I can't believe someone has made me doubt myself so much and made me feel so worthless x