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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mental abuse, no confidence, porn and other women

50 replies

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 12:23

Hi
I really need advice on how to improve my confidence and walk away from this man.
I am a divorced mum of two, I have been in this relationship for 4 years pretty much after my marriage breakup.
This guy was wonderful, everything I wanted.
Soon I noticed he would always mention pretty girls, for obscure reasons just to drop them in the conversation.
I then discovered weird porn on his phone he denied it.
He has recently become quick tempered and a woman from his running club, began messaging him a year ago. Just links to races etc but still made me uncomfortable.
I have since realised he messaged her too, a very praising message and quite franklyflirty.heswore it was a one way street and that I should trust him.
I know this sounds like I am an obsessive jealous person but i wasnt. I am now though, constantly looking for signs he has been watching porn or in contact with this woman.
I feel awful :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 12:26

Stop over-thinking because you're massively wasting your time. Dump him and move on. Do it today.

Spain1 · 31/05/2020 12:28

If you take a deep breath & slow down for a second. You are torturing yourself with all these thoughts. You were more than likely on the rebound when you met him. Can you go somewhere with your children to take a break from this man to give yourself a chance to think clearly & decide what you want for yourself & your children? Go easy on yourself he is the problem, you have done nothing wrong.

Spain1 · 31/05/2020 12:30

If you are not happy move on. You have done it before just do it again. Life is very short.

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 12:32

@aquamarine1029
Thank you, I appreciate your honesty xx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 12:39

@Spain1
Thanks for your advice
We don't live together thankfully.
It's like he reels me back in and I think I am happy.
I dont feel like I am in the best place at the moment. It's a horrible feeling and situation. I have such a fear that he will end up with this woman x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2020 12:42

I have such a fear that he will end up with this woman

You should hope he does because that means he's no longer making your life miserable. This relationship brings you no joy, so why are you still in it? Get rid.

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 12:44

@aquamarine1029
I absolutely love your honesty. Thank you.
Habit I suppose and the unknown xx

OP posts:
Spain1 · 31/05/2020 15:40

On the positive side you are very lucky you are not living with him. You need to become a little selfish, take care of yourself & especially your own mental health. If you are not enjoying the relationship walk away.

Babdoc · 31/05/2020 16:04

OP, there are approximately 3.9 billion men on this planet. Why are you wasting your time with a shitty one?!
You seem to think it’s him or nothing. That is really not the case. And it sounds as though you’d be calmer and happier without him, even on your own.
It would be a good idea to give yourself a breathing space after you ditch him. Maybe have some counselling, examine your attitudes to men and relationships, explore where your boundaries are, whether you have self esteem or codependency issues, whether you pick “wronguns”, and why.
Far too many women settle for abusive or second rate men out of neediness, fear of being alone, or low self esteem, thinking they deserve no better. Well I have news for you - and them. You all deserve better! At the very least a man who respects you as an equal, genuinely loves you, and gives your happiness and wellbeing equal priority with his own.

Dery · 31/05/2020 16:21

It sounds like this relationship is causing you way too much stress. Four years in you really should be feeling much more secure than you are and it’s good to see you know that and want to walk away. Walking away is tough and there’s no easy answer - it will require discipline and resolve to stop him reeling you back in, and forgiving yourself if you have the odd slip-up. But the sooner you take this step, the sooner this stressful relationship will be behind you.

In my experience, getting over someone requires not seeing them for a good while - I last had to do this in the pre-social media era, so didn’t have to do all the blocking etc which is now required but that is what I would do now.

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 16:39

@Spain1
Thanks for your messages, it's so good to talk to people and get support.
I always feel like I am in the wrong xx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 16:41

@Babdoc
Thanks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write this.
At the moment I feel a bit lost and not like myself at all. It is so good to talk to people about this. Thank you xx

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Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 16:43

@Dery
Thank you. I know you are right. It's almost like I feel this is as good as it gets and it wont get any better.
Feels a bit like life is passing me by.
Thanks for listening xx

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 31/05/2020 16:45

Unfortunately, you need to get away and to cut ties from him in order for your confidence to recover.

If you could break up and block all contact that would be ideal. Taking 'the freedom programme' online may also be of use to you.

The bringing up other women is called narcissistic triangulation. It is used to make you feel 'not enough'/like second best ect... to knock your self esteem. Might be wise to read up on narcissists as as suspect you are dealing with one.

Melanie tonia Evans does good youtube vlogs. She has one on what to expect when you break up with the narcissist too, definately worth a watch.

FromRockBottom · 31/05/2020 16:54

I feel like I shouldn't be writing this because, I've been an idiot in my last relationship but it did make me start reading a lot and , I don't know, but this sounds like triangulation?

Look it up and see if it describes what you are going through. And even if it doesn't describe it, what your partner is doing to you is wrong. I think it's wrong anyway. I think you should be getting treated better than that.

Triangulation wasn't something I really had a lot of experience with but I did have other abusive behaviours and I started reading and started a thread by asking a question about something that felt wrong. So keep posting and keep asking questions of yourself and others because it does help, it helped me a lot.

The women (and I'm sure men) on mumsnet are amazing!

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 17:02

@Bunnymumy
I was thinking he might be narcaisstic but he turns everything round to be my fault so I think it's just me.
Thanks, I will have a look at these vlogs. It's almost like I push it all to the side and forget about it. While coasting over life.
X

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 31/05/2020 17:07

That's what that sort do. Don't accuse him if being one btw, its rule 1 when dealing with them because they turn it round on you

Dont push it aside, push him aside! xD

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 17:08

@FromRockBottom
Thanks for taking the time to write this reply.
I hope you are ok after your last relationship.
I will have a look at this, I feel like he has an ongoing list of narcasstic traits.
He has pretty much ruined every Christmas and birthday I have had over the last 3 years.
It's like this has become normal to me and I feel like i dont want to lose him to someone else.
He has been quite aggressive on several occasions but in company he is the funny cheery guy.
He is always seeking validation too.
I have already had 5 months off work with mental health issues last year and I really need the strength to get out.
I agree the support on here is amazing and it's great talking to people x

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 17:11

@Bunnymumy
I love the end of your message, that is the best advice. Thank you.
I have noticed that everything gets turned around. He made himself out to be the victim in the last 2 relationships he had, a wife that just left and a nutcase( his words) who made his life hell, she wrote a 7 page letter to him with his faults. All of which seem to be true unfortunately.
At the point where I feel like I am on eggshells.
Thanks for the support xx

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 31/05/2020 17:11

If he has ruined every birthday for you he is not worth bothering with.

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 17:18

@Bananalanacake
Thanks :)
Always all about him xx

OP posts:
Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 17:20

Not sure if any guys have commented but would also be great to get Male point of view and more female.
You have no idea how helpful this is x

OP posts:
Babdoc · 31/05/2020 17:23

Calling the ex partner a nutcase is almost diagnostic for an abusive narcissist, OP! They never accept anything is their own fault, they always twist it round to blame their partner. And they have no insight, they can never change.
Even after a string of failed relationships, he will claim he dated twenty “nutcases”, never admitting that the common denominator was - him!
You really need to get away from this ghastly man and stop letting him mess with your head. He will convince you black is white, that it’s all your fault, that he’s the poor victim in it all. Gaslighting is a narcissist’s specialist subject, along with manipulation, control and emotional abuse. Head for the hills.

Bunnymumy · 31/05/2020 17:25

I've been there. Eventually I walked completely away as I was having a convo with him one time in the phone and he said 'you sound very confident' (i had had some good news) - and it dawned in me that he wasnt happy for me. And that he never would be. That he wanted me to be down in the dumps and what he was thinking was 'oh crap, I'm going to have to work harder to bring her back down again'. It was as if I could hear the cogs in his brain thinking it.

He used to always compare me to his ex and had started to do the same in recent years with a new girl friend he had.
I ended it right there. Didn't even break up, just deleted and blocked his number. Luckily I was in a different city at the time for college.

Heres the thing, he will never be happy with anyone. They are never happy with what they have. They are always looking at someone else. Or even something else.

I caught up with him years later and he was married and in america - he always used to go on and in about wanting to stay there (again, triangulation. Meaning 'being here with you usnt enough'). And not happy.

A few month later he had moved home ('for a bit') but was still with her. And insisted on telling me how pally his wife was with the girl he had been chatting up at the time I left him (aye pal,i bet they are best friends xD). Again, an attempt at making me feel jealousy it like I was the one with the problem for not being ok with him constantly bigging up this other girl.

It isnt about you. It isnt about her.
They arent capable of being happy with anyone.
I see him local from time to time. And his words are like water off a ducks back to me now. Tbh I feel a but sorry for him. But I do so, from a distance xD

He is trying to create competition between you and this woman in order to make himself seem the prize. He isnt a prize. He is a shit in a box. Get shot of him asap. Once you've had some time and space you will see things clearly and be glad you got free.

Nursing2029 · 31/05/2020 17:32

@Bunnymumy
Thank you so so much.
This is exactly what he is like. Everytime I get happier or confident he pulls it right back, he seemed to prefer it when I was weak after my divorce. I went straight to this relationship.
I got offered a conditional offer at uni and he couldn't even bring himself to be happy.
Is validation a narcissistic trait, he loves validation on Facebook - on an off the scale level.
The stuff you have said about the other girls sounds so familiar, he promised me I could trust him and he wouldn't message this woman back etc if she got into touch. Long story behind it but she was messaging at inappropriate times and for no particular reason..he swore I could trust him. Next day he was messaging her telling her he personally found her inspiring.
Thanks so much for your honesty, I have spent months and years thinking this was all me and it's how things are, he always said I overreact.
X

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