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Original poster

Not keen on oral after break

29 replies

NCbutnotaweirdsextroll · 30/05/2020 16:21

Have NC but am not a weird troll.

Had always been bicurious and after my relationship broke down I started seeing women. I had 3 lesbian relationships but ultimately fell in love with a man who I was originally seeing years ago.

I love him. Sex is great but I'm finding oral sex really difficult now. It's feels really intrusive compared to oral with women.

When we had sex years ago it was different. I'm older now. My views on things have changed. My abilities have changed.

He feels insecure because I had lesbian relationships that I may be a lesbian. I am most definitely not. I want to be with him but I don't enjoy oral being pushed too far... If you understand what I'm saying? I'm trying to be tactful.

I feel if I voice this it's going to just make it more of an issue? Or should I just try and put physical boundaries up without saying it out loud?

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 30/05/2020 16:29

Not every woman wants to gag, or even do oral at all, although I do enjoy it.

There's other techniques, more akin to oral on a female, less intrusive? Perhaps try to mix things up? I had thought it was all about replicating the experience of a vagina but other sensations are very stimulating too for your partner

SqidgeBum · 30/05/2020 16:32

I dont do oral. I just hate it. Myself and DH have been together for nearly 6 years and still have a satisfying sex life. He has accepted that I wont do it. He has made comments about how he wishes I would be I almost have a fear of it, so it just isnt part of our sex life.

I would advise to discuss things with your DP. Speaking about things is the key to a healthy sex life.

Original poster
NCbutnotaweirdsextroll · 30/05/2020 16:34

I'm trying to do that but as we have had a sexual relationship previously where I had no issue with things being rougher and more pornish I think it's difficult to get my new desire to not do that, across to him.

I just don't enjoy it anymore. Not oral altogether, I do enjoy giving him pleasure that way just not feeling like I can't breath or gagging. It just doesn't feel good.

I want to talk about it but I don't want to hurt his feelings or have him think I want a woman

OP posts:
Original poster
NCbutnotaweirdsextroll · 30/05/2020 16:36

I wouldn't want to stop doing it at all. I like it. Maybe I just need to have a talk about toning it down. He isn't disrespectful about it.

OP posts:
changeitupagain · 30/05/2020 16:37

You are well within your rights to not want to perform oral sex on men at all or just not perform certain things included in oral like deep throating and gagging.

However he is well within his rights to want these things and it may be a deal breaker for him if you won't.

You absolutely should not if you don't want to but you have to accept that this may be the end of your relationship if he still wants these things.

You both need to sit down and have a very honest chat. Explain to him that although you did these things before you no longer feel comfortable doing them and therefore will not be engaging in them. Explain to him what you are happy with. Then give him the opportunity to explain what he wants, what he is and isn't happy to do. If your differences in wants are unreconcilable you have to make the adult decision that either one of you will not be having a satisfying sex life and are you happy to live like this? or that you are no longer suited to each other and therefore need to end the relationship.

ShinyFootball · 30/05/2020 16:39

I've been lucky enough to never men a man who would even think of making me gag/ not be able to breathe.

I am 47 I think things have really changed due to porn and not for the better.

If you don't want to do it then of course don't do it. But have you told him that you don't like those aspects of it? If so and he didn't stop doing it like that you've got a worse problem.

Oral sex on men doesn't have to be like you describe.

Incidentally I initially thought you meant he was rubbish at oral compared to your female partners!

SqidgeBum · 30/05/2020 16:40

I don't think not wanting to do oral means you want a woman. Gagging isnt pleasant. I dont know how any woman enjoys it to be honest. I cant really see how you can get around not speaking to him about it. I wouldn't see it as a good thing to continue doing it when you really dont want to. Just give him lots of reassurance that you do love him and it's not tied solely to oral. Hr may be a bit disappointed but part of a sexual relationship is working with what the other person wants to do and finding common ground.

2020times · 30/05/2020 16:44

Honestly I don't even think the change is necessary because of being with a woman. I think as many of us get older our sexual interest change. It sounds like you're fine with oral as long as he's not trying to choke you with the damn thing? If so you should tell him, he could get a much better experience with gentle attention anyway

bloody porn is ruining real sex

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 16:52

I too initially read this thinking you were saying he performs oral on you too roughly/hard compared to the female partners you had previously.

So .. I'm struggling to see how doing oral (fellatio) normally would cause you to feel like you couldn't breathe, unless you have real issues breathing through your nose (??)

The gagging - I'd bet that the vast majority bod people BDO not enjoy gagging, which is why (unless their partner specifically says they enjoy it or repeatedly, intentionally gags themself while giving oral; no decent partner would be pushing either their dick far enough, or pulling their partner's head enough to cause it.

If he did it once and you said "I dont like gagging, let me set the depth etc." (Which with someone considerate you wouldn't even have to say) why has he continued doing it?

If have you not said (or indicated you weren't keen physically/by pulling off) even once?

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 16:54

(Just to emphasise, I don't think with a considerate partner you should even have to say because they wouldn't do it without asking but ..).

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 16:56

Or, not if.

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 17:00

I want to talk about it but I don't want to hurt his feelings or have him think I want a woman

Its not good that because you've previously had relationships with women, that you can't even talk about a sex act being uncomfortable because he'll jump.to his insecurity about you wanting to be with a woman.

I would respectfully suggest that maybe he's not the man to have a good relationship with a bi/bicurious woman. He doesn't sound confident, secure of chilled enough.

This is, I suppose, the real issue here.

Because otherwise you'd presumably have said immediately at the time, "that's too deep/that's making me gag, i don't like that"

CodenameVillanelle · 30/05/2020 17:00

This is quite sad tbh
You're having sex you don't like because you're too worried about making him feel insecure to speak up.
Honestly - if he's that insecure that you saying 'hey I don't really enjoy that, let's do this instead' would make him think you're a lesbian and don't fancy him then your relationship is kinda fucked. Sorry.

Anothernick · 30/05/2020 17:03

As others have said, you are perfectly entitled not to give oral in the way he wants but he is also entitled to ask for it and given your past it might be hard to convince him that your refusal to do it is not linked to your experiences with women. Though I really don't understand why men want to make their partner gag - you don't need to go that far to have enjoyable oral.

NoHardSell · 30/05/2020 17:09

I'd also say this is just an example of desires changing, which is common. It's not good if you can't talk about what you now enjoy and have to revert to previous patterns of behaviour. Does he know you don't enjoy it (I mean, is he sensitive to your arousal/lack of)?

GilbertMarkham · 30/05/2020 17:14

as we have had a sexual relationship previously where I had no issue with things being rougher and more pornish

This doesnt sound great. Sounds like he's gagging you - which isn't enjoyable for the vast majority of people) a d you put up with it before for whatever reasons ... And now you're too scared to tell him to stop in case it hurts his feelings or he accuses you of wanting a woman.

Dillo10 · 30/05/2020 17:15

I think my desires have changed as I've got older.. I remember late teens/20's being keen to give porn style blow jobs.
Over time that thing where they push the back of your head started to really aggravate me and think I would get the hump if DH did it to me lol.

PersephoneandHades · 30/05/2020 17:15

You really need to have an honest discussion with him; his insecurity should not take priority over your boundaries.

Dollyrocket · 30/05/2020 17:15

I think you’re either overthinking it and should just talk to him, or else this man is WAY too insecure to be in a relationship with.

QuentinWinters · 30/05/2020 17:19

Maybe it's not you at all. Maybe over time he's got more fixated on rough oral and tipped across a line where you could tolerate it to being too rough.
Maybe this is his problem not yours. I don't understand why some men aren't just happy to get a blow job. I also blame porn.

Anyway. You need to tell him what you are and aren't happy to do but also consider if you are happy in a relationship where your partner is sexually critical. It risks destroying your self esteem.

UnaCorda · 30/05/2020 17:21

He feels insecure because I had lesbian relationships that I may be a lesbian. I am most definitely not.

It's all very well sounding indignant about it, but you say you've had three lesbian relationships, so it's hardly surprising he might feel like that.

Not that that separate issue in any way excuses what he is doing when it comes to oral sex. Personally I can't stand the "hand on the back of the head" manoeuvre - complete turn-off.

vikingwife · 30/05/2020 17:23

I hear you...my face is not for you (ie men) to fuck ! If am down there you do not grab my head & start fucking my face to make me gag. Due to past experiences with sexual coercion / r word I don’t like oral to go on too long, or start to feel panicky. Anything more than a few minutes & am done.

This is not really useful post, just saying I relate, sort of...

UnaCorda · 30/05/2020 17:24

Over time that thing where they push the back of your head started to really aggravate me and think I would get the hump if DH did it to me lol.

@Dillo10 - I'm obviously not alone in feeling like that!

Menora · 30/05/2020 17:26

I wouldn’t be with a man who wanted that kind of oral and didn’t listen when I said no. I would hate to give it that way and would feel really violated and upset. I like oral but it has to be what I am comfortable giving so if it isn’t what your partner wants I think you are incompatible if they won’t listen to you

Original poster
NCbutnotaweirdsextroll · 30/05/2020 17:27

I used to enjoy it very much. My tastes have just changed.

It's my worries about brining it up that have stopped me. Not anything he has done. I guess I'm feeling paranoid myself, there's still alot of stigma around samesex relationships. Maybe I'm just projecting

OP posts: