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[RedRoverLockedIn]

I've name changed for this but been on MN for years. Had a row with DH this morning, I put something away that he'd left on the floor for weeks and now he says there are a couple of things missing. Went ballistic when I said I didn't know where they were and they weren't on the floor when I picked everything else up. Called me a liar and slammed a door in temper. Sulky silence followed.

DS is 11, and was on his Xbox before lunch. I shouted up when lunch was ready but DS didn't hear me. DH shouted at him to go downstairs, and in typical 11 year old fashion DS stomped out of his room and DH lost his temper again. DS had got downstairs but DH pulled him off the sofa and pushed him up the stairs and told him to stay in his room. I told DH he was way over the line and he should never have manhandled DS like that. DH hasn't apologised to either of us and is now in the garden while I sit with an upset DS.

I'm so upset, my heart is hammering with the stress and I'm thinking this is a marriage over scenario. My head is all over the place, I can't think of the right thing to say to DH, I want to get the words out right.

What was it he left on the floor for weeks?

So did your DS get his lunch or not?

It was a steam cleaner.
Yes, I took DS his lunch and sat with him in his room.

Is this normal behaviour or a one off bad day?

He does have a bad temper and whilst he doesn't blow up all the time he does do it regularly.

You need to protect your child OP. This man has a bad temper and his behaviour is escalating. He grabbed your child and pushed him up some stairs. How do you think your 11 year old felt when a grown man in a rage grabbed him and pushed him up a flight of stairs?

He has no one but you to protect him and you have to step up and stop him being mistreated.

Anger management won't wash as this man is an abuser and he behaves this way due to power and control. He wants to dominate.

There is no day bad enough to excuse treating a child like this. FFS, @Fairycake2

the only possible way to excuse this was if the husband had immediately apologised profusely. And he didn't, despite being pulled up on it. Like a decent adult would need telt that his behaviour was fucking unacceptable.

Don't worry what words to use, OP, any more than your abusive husband worries about the damage he is causing to your child. Have 999 on speed-dial tho

I took DS out after lunch for a cycle round the park, as we got back DH was driving off in the car. No idea where he's gone, that was an hour and a half ago. I will be talking to him if he comes home, I do think this is the final straw and we need to part ways. I just can't have DS thinking this behaviour is in any way acceptable and I have told him that I've already told DH that what he did was way over the line

He must know himself that he’s losing the plot. I think you will find he wants to apologise once he’s calmed down and come home. Hopefully.

And perhaps he will tell you what’s really going on. Clearly there’s more to this than meets the eye. It’s not normal to be so angry all the time and not be able to control it sometimes so it spills over into violence. Perhaps he’s in debt or hates his job or has some issues he’s struggling about.
If he won’t seek help you may need to consider what’s best for you and dc.

DH came home after a couple of hours and sat in the garden with a glass of whisky. He is refusing to talk to me and the atmosphere is hideous. I went to bed at half nine and could hear him crashing around in the kitchen.

God knows what today will be like, I want to get out of here with DS but there's nowhere to go and DH doesn't have anywhere to go either. I know my sister would have us but she's at the other end of the country and lockdown means we can't travel and mix households... I'm so stressed, my stomach is churning but I am trying to be as normal as possible for DS.

I know it's difficult to give advice but I just need somewhere to write this down so I don't feel quite so stressed

You can mix households now, I think? From my understanding, you're allowed to be around up to six family members.

Poor DS. I would tell DH he needs to leave, sort his anger and himself out and if he can be a decent husband and father that you might reconsider.

You can leave in the case of abuse. I would contact the National Helpline.

Thanks for the advice, struggling to keep
my thoughts straight

Fuck that shit, get put of there. This is no way to live op. For you and especially your son who is at your mercy as he has no choice in his living situation. Get to your sisters. Tell him your having some time. Use it to get your head straight. Get angry and keep hold of it. How dare he think you and son should live your life pussy footing around him and his shitty moods.

Try not to think of everything at once, it makes it feel impossible. Today just think about actually getting to your sisters and what you need to take. Once your there with some space you can think about the other stuff and make a plan, without him pecking your head

You can change households - you just shouldn't go between. You can leave and go to your sister.

You can move in with a friend if you split up during lockdown and in abusive households I think so that should t be a problem.

My sister has said we can go to her. She lives so far away though, and I'm really nervous that we are breaking lockdown rules. Is everyone who said it was OK sure that we can do this?
DH won't talk so I sent him a text... I know...
Basically he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, said I'm the one ignoring HIM and 'frankly, I don't know what your problem is'. DH thinks DS owes him an apology! I have told him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that as a grown man he should not be throwing his weight around. I said that if he'd put his hands on me then it would be domestic abuse and that is no different to what he did to DS.
Fucking hell, I just never thought I'd be in this situation. I can't stop shaking, I feel sick

Go to your sister; you would not be breaking any lockdown rules in doing so. Escaping from domestic abuse which is what you are describing here is allowed, infact actively encouraged.

You're allowed to go to safety. You won't be breaking any laws/rules. Please leave. He isn't acknowledging that he's done anything wrong and is blaming your 11 year old for having his father put hands on him. You and your son deserve better.

Is everyone who said it was OK sure that we can do this?

Yes. People have always been able to leave in the case of abuse (which you could classify this as) and can also leave for a break after an argument.

It’s not normal to be so angry all the time and not be able to control it sometimes so it spills over into violence. Perhaps he’s in debt or hates his job or has some issues he’s struggling about.

@Elieza I know you don't mean it this way, but nothing excuses how he acted towards a child, especially not in this day and age, and without his wife's agreement (not that any of that would make it ok.)

I for one am not feeling sorry for him, whatever his supposed reasons.

It is absolutely fine for you to go to your sisters. Don't overthink it just get there asap. Before he fucks with your mind and squirms you into apologising. That's what they do.

Do you drive? Can she pick you up? Train and meet her maybe?

My ex was similar to this. Maybe not so much losing his temper but he manhandled our son a couple of times when angry and would NEVER EVER admit he was in the wrong. In fact, it would be me at fault every time. You can not reason with someone like this. He probably knows he's in the wrong but is being pig-headed.
He won't change OP, this is who he is. Its not a nice trait at all.
I have just ended things with yet another guy like this too. There are a lot of them about.

@NoMoreDickheads I totally agree, I didn’t mean it was ok for him to be like that only that if the reason behind it could be addressed the problem may go away. If he’s a keeper.

My dad did something similar to me once. The only time in my whole childhood. My mother spoke to him about it and put him straight that that wouldn’t be tolerated.
It was his job. He was being bullied by a manager and didn’t know what to do or who to turn to.
He cried, apologised to us both and got a new job. Problem solved.

It would seem from the updates though that this dad feels it’s perfectly normal to be like that.
It’s not
Violence is never acceptable. There is no need for it.
His denial of the problem means it will likely happen again. The OP has tried to discuss/help/reason with him to no avail.
Time to go.

I do hope you have packed up and going to your sisters today OP.
You do need to get some head space completely away from your 'D'H!
You know this was the last straw for you.
Sounds like he's an angry asshole a lot of the time.
You've had enough.
Don't blame you at all.
Get to your DSis and enjoy some peace and quiet without tiptoeing around on eggshells!