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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Paranoid?

27 replies

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 10:51

Extreme working out.
Change in the text language he uses.
Unusual meet up with relatives.
Fresh hair cut that just had to be down this week rather than next week as he organised.
Cleaning his car for the meet up with relatives.

Is it coincidence and im being paranoid or is something going on?

OP posts:

johnd2 · 30/05/2020 10:52

Do you trust him? Can you just ask?

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 10:55

I did. He said i give him a laugh.

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 30/05/2020 10:59

Why on earth people suggest ‘just asking’ I’ll never know. If they’re going to all the trouble of hiding their affair, they aren’t just going to admit it the moment you ask them. Although, wouldn’t life be simpler if they did.
Slightly strange behaviour OP. I’m a big believer in trusting your gut, and clearly you’re thinking something is amiss here. I think I’d wait and watch a little longer myself. People are behaving oddly anyway given the lockdown situation, so I’d just wait and see if any more signs raised my suspicions.

johnd2 · 30/05/2020 11:12

@Ughmaybenot i don't know whether he would admit or otherwise, but his reaction would say a lot, assuming you have a level of trust.
I wasn't necessarily going for straight up admission but if you know and trust someone you can tell a lot based on how they respond.
I don't know the ops partner and they may be too close to the situation to interpret his response, but it doesn't sound like he's taken her concerns seriously.
The other option is the Mumsnet mob can pile in based on their own experience and preconceptions, which is not always that helpful for the specific situations.

OP, try telling him it's a serious question so he should give a serious answer. Keep pushing until he takes it as seriously as you are rather than avoiding the question. He is the only person who can tell you what's going on, and the more evasive he is, the less you can trust him.

DinghyCalledDignity · 30/05/2020 11:12

Might be. But loads of people I know are acting differently due to the weird situation we're living in and the effects of it.

Ughmaybenot · 30/05/2020 11:18

Maybe @johnd2 or it’ll just alert them to the fact that you’re on to them and push everything further underground. It’s a lovely thought thinking you might be able to tell from their reaction but it’s a hell of a gamble, and one which I don’t believe often pays off. As for too close to the situation, well, they couldn’t be closer. Maybe I’m cynical, I just can’t see that asking the question would get you anywhere at all.
FWIW OP, I would laugh if my husband asked me if I was up to no good. If he were to ask once more and said it was serious, I’d take it seriously, but any pushing the matter and I’d be having none of it. I’m not having, nor have ever had, an affair.
The ‘mumsnet mob’

HollowTalk · 30/05/2020 11:22

Is he actually visiting relatives? Wouldn't you be with him? Wouldn't you know from them whether he met them or not?

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 11:31

I didnt get invited i never do anymore and neither does our dd.

OP posts:

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 11:34

I have no way of finding out as i have never had any contact information for any of them and i dont have any of them on social media. I havent earned that right to be on their social media accounts yet.

OP posts:

NotKeenOnSwede · 30/05/2020 11:39

How did he get his hair cut?!

thatsallineed · 30/05/2020 11:49

@Softheart10

Er... what?

You haven't earned the right to be in contact with his relatives? What's that all about?

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 11:53

Im not sure. I know his ex still has the privilege.

OP posts:

johnd2 · 30/05/2020 11:59

How long since you started/his ex finished? I was assuming you've been together a while and should theoretically know each other well.
If this is very new i could understand some things bit built up yet, but if things should be stable by now then it doesn't sound like you have enough trust to carry on as you are.
Assuming he thinks trust is important, you need to address that together. If he doesn't think trust is important then he won't see the need to address it.
I'm just trying to say it's not the problem that he's cleaned the car and whatever, the problem is the lack of trust. And you can only address that together. Focus on that before getting into the ins and outs of whether you should come to whatever conclusion.

category12 · 30/05/2020 11:59

What?

You need to dump him on the not having earned the right to meet his relatives unless you've only been with him five minutes.

If you don't trust him and he treats you as second class, then dump the fucker already.

Ughmaybenot · 30/05/2020 12:08

Earned.. the... what?? Are you being serious? Where does that come from? Why do you think of it that way?

Crystalspider · 30/05/2020 12:26

Not necessarily anything to worry about, sometimes people do just like taking pride in their appearance, unless he's one where is never gives a damn what he looks like. I would see if there was a pattern in seeing his relatives, you could ask to go? watch his behaviour when he comes home, (I don't know if you live together) does he want to kiss you and not run into the shower. General behaviour does he seem less affectionate with you.

Bunnymumy · 30/05/2020 12:30

'Earned the righr' ?? Is that the sort if language he uses by any chance? Or how he makes you feel?

How long have you been with this guy?

Does he commonly make you feel paranoid/oversensitive/stupid? by any chance.

Bunnymumy · 30/05/2020 12:33

Or , does he make you feel like you dont measure up to his high standards? Or like you arent good enough in comparison to someone or something (even, being somewhere else) else?

Because those things would suggest you are dealing with a narcissist.

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 12:36

We have been together 3 years so its not a new thing so by now i believe i should know his family by now. I hace met them i just dont get invited to go to see them with him. They arent interested in seeing me or our dd. I dont care that hes going a family get together, it just seems so random.

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 30/05/2020 12:39

You have a child together too?? OP this is bizarre. Do you not know his family at all?

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 12:39

No its not language he has used, his family treat me like that and he has said or done anything to stop them being like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 12:42

Our dd was unplanned. I had using that sentence so dont take it the wrong way because i love my dd.

OP posts:

johnd2 · 30/05/2020 16:47

I think the problem is not that he may or may not be doing something untoward, if you split up or make a fuss about it and it turns out to be not correct that is not that helpful.
The thing to focus on is the trust aspect. If you don't trust him then that's extremely bad for your relationship. Trust consists of two sides, you trusting him and him being trustworthy.
Assuming he thinks it's important too then you need to both try to meet in the middle, both take it seriously. If he won't take it seriously then that's going to be difficult for your relationship.
From what you've said the problem is on his side but either way, focus on the trust issues and try to get him to, regardless of anything particular he is or isn't doing.

1235kbm · 30/05/2020 18:19

OP have you been with your partner for three years, have a child with him and haven't met his family nor attend family functions?

Why are you ok with that?

Original poster

Softheart10 · 30/05/2020 22:58

I have met them, i just dont get invited to family gatherings.

OP posts:

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