Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I change my Son's mobile number?

32 replies

malgrat78 · 30/05/2020 00:40

I am back again. I am sure many of you remember me from my previous posts regarding my 13 year old & his Mother. Quick recap. This situations has been going on now for around a year. My Son's mum started a relationship with a know drug user. Social services got involved & I began to have him stay at mine more which is also what he wanted. I had reports of drug dealers going to the house regularly, my son was constantly feeling uncomfortable at his mums house. When he did go to his mums there were no food in all that would happen was they would try to emotionally blackmail him into staying at there house more which I can now be certain was more about the maintenance money I was paying. I finally had him live with me full time & I must stress it is also what he wanted. I offered him mum mediation but she declined.

Loads of things have happened since. I have reports of his mum been seen begging, reports that they are regularly selling things to neighbours. An old neighbour of mine messaged me to tell me that his mum had swindled an old lady out of some money. I had a random message last week from a guy who had been volunteering for a food bank & he had delivered some food to my Son's mums house. His Mum's boyfriend had befriended this guy & was constantly asking him for money. He sent me a screen shot of the messages from my son's mum's boyfriend in which he was asking this poor guy to transfer him money. This guy apparently had spent over £300 on food & a small fridge out of his own money on my Ex & her boyfriend. They are both clearly on hard drugs & have been for some time.

My Son has been doing really well & before this Pandemic I had him in to see a counsellor over it all just to make sure he had someone to talk to other than me but it has obviously been put on hold. Apart from that he was doing great at school & at home.

Has I have said in previous posts my Son blocked his mum's number as all she was doing was phoning him up & upsetting him trying to get him to go back & live with her. I had his grandma message me a few weeks back asking me to get my son to phone his mum as she was afraid that his mum may do something stupid. I explained that it is not my sons responsibility & I am not putting that on his shoulders & neither should she.

So tonight I have no idea how but he has received 2 voicemail messages from his mum. Apparently on iPhone you can block a number but it goes to voicemail. The voicemails were quite upsetting to be honest. His mum didn't sound very good at all & sounded what I would call under the influence of a substance. The first voicemail was asking him to phone her cause she loves him. This was around 9:30pm. The next one was at 10pm & was a lot longer. It actually sounded like she was reading it from a script. It basically said that she hasn't phoned him in all this time because I had told her & her mum that he didn't want to speak to her but she has given him some time to think & she wants to speak to him because she misses him & cant hold back any longer. She was crying & mentioned the birthday card which she said she sent him but we never received. All I got from the message was his mum trying to make my son feel bad. She actually said "please think about me like I think about you". Not once did she ask how he was. My son was obviously upset so we sat down & had a good chat. I asked him how he felt & if he would like to speak to her. He said no but he was worried that she might kill herself. This was something she used to say to him when he lived there & she was finding things hard.

What I am faced with now which I didn't want to do was to change his number. She has my landline & mobile so she can phone me if she wants to discuss things instead of phoning him & upsetting him.

Would I be wrong to do this? I don't want him to resent me for this but I think I need to decide what is best for him & in his best interest. I need to put his emotional & mental health first.

OP posts:

StewPots · 30/05/2020 00:53

Don't have any real advice but didn't want to read and run OP.

So sorry this is happening to you all and it sounds a horrendous situation. The only suggestion I have is reach out to as much external help as you can get right now.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 30/05/2020 00:56

@StewPots

Don't have any real advice but didn't want to read and run OP.

So sorry this is happening to you all and it sounds a horrendous situation. The only suggestion I have is reach out to as much external help as you can get right now.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Thank you :)

OP posts:

Windinmyhair · 30/05/2020 01:02

I'd change his number In a heartbeat.

As long as she can contact you. NO child should have to receive messages from his half cut parent like that.

But also he needs some professional help to process and cope with things like this - look for family support for drug users and see if he can see the counsellor via zoom or something, many are offering this service now.

HannaYeah · 30/05/2020 01:03

@Malgrat78

I’m so sorry you and your son are in this situation. I’m sorry for his mom, too.

You should change his number. He can keep in touch with his mom periodically under controlled circumstances. But please do protect him.

This comes from my heart, I’ve had family circumstances that give me some experience.

Please also get your son the age appropriate support he needs to live the rest of his life with a drug addicted mom. Not sure of his age, but al-anon has groups for children and that might be good place to start.

richele4 · 30/05/2020 01:03

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this.

What does your son think about changing his mobile number? Personally I think it's for the best. He doesn't deserve to have to hear that and he especially shouldn't ever be made to feel guilt tripped into seeing her/talking to her just because he's scared she might kill herself if he doesn't. That's an awful thing to say or imply to your child.

I hope you're both okay x

Fourfurrymonsters · 30/05/2020 01:06

Yes, change his number. Please. You sound like a fantastic parent and he needs to be kept away from his not-fantastic one. You must keep stressing to your son that whatever happens to his mum, that is on her and her alone. He (and you) mustn’t be taking any blame for her life choices...they are hers and hers alone. If I were you I’d be keeping my child as far away from her as possible. I’m really sorry you’re both going through this.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 30/05/2020 01:13

I would discuss it with your son, he’s 13 and has already been exposed to much. Suggest changing his number would stop any messages he may need to listen to alone, or her calling him suddenly from another phone number. But I would agree you’d be honest with him (filtering out anything which may harm him) if she contacts you direct

Good look OP

Have your sons counselling service not considered video call sessions? I know a family member of mine is doing these?

Longlockdown · 30/05/2020 01:15

Yes. Definitely.
Change his number to protect him. If you were in a car and she came banging on the windows, you would drive away. Is the same.
She has your number / can contact you.
If he feels you are wrong he can give her the new number BUT you are giving your child the choice to leave abuse behind.
for you for noticing.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 30/05/2020 01:29

@Windinmyhair

I'd change his number In a heartbeat.

As long as she can contact you. NO child should have to receive messages from his half cut parent like that.

Now I've had time to think about it I'm more upset for my son. She's not thought about how contacting him would make him feel. He was clearly upset and distressed.

Yeah she has my landline and mobile plus I'm in regular contact with her older daughter.

I'll look into zoom support thanks.

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 30/05/2020 01:35

This is awful OP.

Most counsellors will still be doing phone and/or video sessions, so I suggest your son has a session that way.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 30/05/2020 01:37

@richele4

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this.

I hope you're both okay x

Thank you. When we chatted after the second voicemail when I suggested changing his number he said that's what he wanted but he's scared that his mum might do something to hurt herself. I think he's feeling a bit confused which is totally expected. This is what is really bothering me. He shouldn't be feeling this much pressure and his mum is oblivious to how she's made him feel.

OP posts:

Original poster

malgrat78 · 30/05/2020 01:40

@NoMoreDickheads

This is awful OP.

Most counsellors will still be doing phone and/or video sessions, so I suggest your son has a session that way.

I shall check it out thanks. He had been accepted for some counselling but that's as far as it want. I'll contact them on Monday for an update.

OP posts:

justilou1 · 30/05/2020 01:44

Do you have an old phone you could keep the SIM card in and you could regularly listen to the messages together? Or you on his behalf if he prefers... (Probably even better, if you ask me. That way if she’s threatening suicide, you can send police around to do a welfare check and she might get the help she needs.) If you don’t, you could buy and old junker phone or a cheapie just for this purpose. I think this boy might have more peace of mind knowing his messages aren’t going to be invaded in this way. I have twins the same age and they are still very vulnerable. Poor guy, feeing responsible for his mum! You sound like a great parent being so considerate and respectful towards your sons needs and feelings in such an impossibly difficult situation!

negomi90 · 30/05/2020 01:46

If he wants to change his number go for it. If he doesn't (worries about people he likes not coping with his new number) get voicemail turned off or set to a password he doesn't access so you can shield him from her (again with his consent). Friends will text/message instead of voicemailing.

Now's the time to be having regular conversations about how she's sick and if she did something it wouldn't be his fault or connected to him not talking to her, it would because of her illness.

Original poster

malgrat78 · 30/05/2020 01:56

@negomi90

Now's the time to be having regular conversations about how she's sick and if she did something it wouldn't be his fault or connected to him not talking to her, it would because of her illness.

I could look into getting voicemail turned off or a password that's a good idea thanks.

Since things got bad I've been very persistent with him about the fact that his mum isn't well and the way she is has absolutely nothing to do with him so he must not feel responsible in anyway and luckily I think he does know that but we will continue to have regular chats together. We have a good trusting and open relationship with one another.

OP posts:

CorianderLord · 30/05/2020 02:23

Yes. Change it. If she wants contact she can go through you. Your poor son xx

Gingerkittykat · 30/05/2020 02:26

It sounds like are doing brilliantly with him and I also think changing the number is a good idea. Would the grandmother or sister pass it on to her?

Elderflower14 · 30/05/2020 02:32

Just want to say that I think you are an amazing father.... You're son is a lucky boy... 💙

maras2 · 30/05/2020 02:40

I think that you're doing a great job.
Your son is very lucky to have you looking out for him.

TacCat49 · 30/05/2020 03:58

Well done Dad. You really are looking after the emotional and physical well being of your son. Mum is putting a terrible burden on him. Unfortunately there is only one relationship she is interested in which is her procurement and consumption of drugs. I'm not in your country so I can't offer any solutions/agencys that might help. You seem to be aware of your son's confusion and can talk to him at his level, and this will go a long way to helping him. Best of luck.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 30/05/2020 04:09

@malgrat78 you are doing amazingly by your son and he will be so grateful and remain close to you when he is older because your putting his needs first. You should be so proud of what an amazing job you are doing and raising your son independently just shows what a good man you are, sorry that his mother is putting you both through this as no child should have to experience it, but as pp have said your doing an amazing job and always do what you redeem fit at the time as you've got this

JorisBonson · 30/05/2020 06:31

I agree with PP about changing his number, and just wanted to say you sound like a nice man and a great dad.

MrsGrindah · 30/05/2020 06:53

The poor lad but luckily he has you! Yes do whatever you can to protect your son. Explain to him why you are doing it and that it doesn’t mean he can’t talk to her if he needs to.

Maybe try to reinstate the counselling by telephone if possible?

I have to say your son sounds incredible given what he must have gone through.

crispysausagerolls · 30/05/2020 07:07

Just wanted to comment to say you are an excellent father.

Rockdown2020 · 30/05/2020 07:25

What an awful situation. I think I’d take the opportunity change his number. Unless she is seeking help she’ll become more and more unpredictable with communication and it needs to be filtered to stop her emotionally blackmailing him more than she currently is.

As you’ve got such a wonderful relationship with your son, maybe discuss it and come to a decision together so he feels more in control and make sure he knows he can change his mind at any time.

sorry you’re both having such a difficult time. I hope the situation improves soon.

Flip

1 2