Am I being a little oversensitive here?

[outnumbered57]

Fairly new (pre lockdown) relationship and we were messaging, she made a comment about being on a work call with some Spanish people and I asked said she found them super painful & all over the place - then said "ayayay" with a jokey emoji... Left me feeling a little uncomfortable!

Am i being oversensitive? Could be a throwaway comment but I dont know her well enough to distinguish?

I dont understand.

There's no such thing as oversensitive. You are as sensitive as you are, and that's part of who you are, and needs to be respected.

What's your issue? Do you think she might have been being racist?

Person I am seeing complained about dealing with Spanish people on a work call which made me feel uncomfortable. Am I being insensitive and can it be considered a poor joke or shall I move on?

@Eckhart yeah

But were they saying they found Spanish people in general all over the place and painful, or just the people on that call? I wouldn't assume racist at all, just that the call was hard work

Was she saying the people she was dealing with were all over the place, or all spanish people?

I honestly dont Understand the ... oh I've just said it out loud and now i do. I always thought that was an insult aimed at Mexicans.

No I dont think youre overreacting. Call it a day.

You are the one who asked if she found them "super painful", whatever the hell that means, and all she replied was "ayayay." Why would you even ask such a thing?

Sometimes it's hard to deal with different cultures in a professional environment as the "rules" are different. For example, I once was doing a deal with a team from the Netherlands - they were blunt to the point of rudeness (by English standards) but behaving perfectly politely by Dutch standards. I don't think it would be inappropriate or racist to comment on finding that difficult and it sounds like perhaps this was similar? I think I would probably let it go unless she has form for being a xenophobe.

I think that having to ask for external validation regarding your sensitivity is more of an issue.

There's varied ways of dealing with this (asking her/waiting to see if she really does have values that don't align with hers/leaving her/forgetting about it and assuming she was just acting daft, etc) but if you don't trust your own feelings you won't know how to play it. You make your own rules. Mumsnet folk don't know your boundaries, so can't give you an informed answer.

No @Aquamarine - context...

Her: I'm on a call with the Spanish (grumpy emoji)
Me: Oh ok how is that?
Her: Just find them super painful and all over the place ! Ayayay!
Me: ...

*values that don't align with yours, sorry.

Thanks @Eckhart I am very sure on my own feelings but not very experienced relationship wise. So not sure how much of a chance to give, if that makes sense? Good options thank you

That ayayay is from an old fritos ad - I'm amazed she referenced it as or is from my childhood and I'm almost 60! The carton character was axed decades ago after a campaign that he represented a derogatory stereotype Mexican bandit.
But be honest have you never made a general stereotypical comment about another country? French being rude (and English being larger louts) and so on. Not that that is OK but I've been guilt of such generalisations myself. But if you are getting a negative vibe then proceed with caution.

It was also the weird "ayayay" insult bit that threw me... It's pretty immature and not sure I find it funny! But again not sure if it is reflective of her or just a silly throwaway comment so struggling

Well...sometimes different cultures can contribute to different personality traits. But...'painful' bit harsh lol.

Would I think she was a racist? No. But I would wonder as to her self control. And also if she was the sort to try to foster closeness too fast. I mean, when stuff is potentially a bit ris-k....you normally don't say it to ppl who dont know you well.

Bear in mind too that if there's an issue in a relationship, big or small, both partners should feel comfortable to have a conversation about it with the other. If not, things can get all messy, with one person bending their rules to accommodate the other, and getting resentful.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed, and she approached you and tentatively asked 'So, d'you not like the Spanish much, then?' Hopefully it would just open up a discussion that could make things clearer?

@Pipandmum potentially but I try to be super careful and feel like it's a red flag to do it so early on - almost like a test to see if I have similar views/find it funny too? I am not that experienced romantically and do have a tendency to write people off too quickly - but none of my friends would make such a comment, to put into context

@Bunnymumy - that's bang on

I didn't even know that was insult? If I ever said ay yay yay was in way like omg as if someone said something very silly and you're exasperated.I'm 34
Are we on about the same expression? Ha I haven't missed the point of the thread but I am curious.

Hmm...keep an eye out for narcissist traits.

Those sort like to say things that knock you off balance a bit and even, make you feel complicit it a way for not calling them out on things. Not that this was a huge thing. But just because it feels like it could be a tactic to foster closeness too fast.

It might be nothing. But there are lots of female narcissists out there too, so it never harms to be able to spot them.

That would send up warning bells to me, cos stereotyping by nationality, ethnicity or race is a Nope for me.

You're getting to know the person - you don't have to pursue it further if you're ready to nope out. You may nope out at any time, you're not obliged to give anyone a pass. If you're not sure, you can wait for them to reveal more of themselves and see if that was unusual for them and if their values are compatible with yours or not.

It's more difficult to talk to people whose command of the language being used is imperfect, or to people who have a strong accent you're not used to, particularly when it's not face-to-face (I can't cope with conversation with a call-centre in India). On-line meetings are bad enough anyway without any added problems.

Also - ayayay wouldn't strike me as specifically chosen - it's like oof or phew, isn't it? Feel free to point out if I'm wrong about this, I don't use it myself (am now remembering the first time I heard someone say "no way Jose" and being completely taken aback by the sheer randomness of it).

... aaaaand I've cross-posted with both the op and someone who's explained where ayayay comes from

I have no knowledge of the ayaya bit but i do work with teams from many countries and some of those teams i find difficult to deal with. So in a work context i might say to someone I'd had a meeting with France / insert country, and it was painful. They are all over the place. But I'd mean it about the team, not because they are French. Could that maybe be the case here?

Part of my team was dealing with American clients who they referred to as “The Americans” they complained about them being difficult and loud and arrogant. It never occurred to me that were talking about all Americans they used it as a descriptor for this particular set of clients. None of them were known to be racist or right wing or narcissistic so I don’t necessarily think your partner must definitely be that way.

I’d want to be more certain before writing them off.