I'm 24, he's 29. He asked me out a couple of months ago and wants to be serious and has told all his close friends about us. This is going to be a bit long. I'd like to preface this by saying I absolutely adore this person and everything he stands for. We have the same values, same weird humor, can be absolutely silly and comfortable together, can openly talk about things without fear of judgment, and while I am wary of calling someone 'the one', I can honestly imagine a life with this person.
I also realize a lot of the things I'm about to mention might not be as weird to other people and that everyone has their own views regarding personal boundaries, space, and physical affection. Which is also why I'm writing them here to get the opinion of complete strangers on the internet because I know my friends will back me up on this and I'd like an unbiased opinion instead, please.
There are a few things that bother/trigger me because my last relationship was toxic and I was with someone who was very possessive of me while at the same time cheating on me. So, yes, I have trust issues and insecurities and I know I need to see a therapist for them and my current partner is aware of the situation and of all the things that happened in my last relationship. Even though I've never been extremely open, I was pretty secure in my body and self-worth before my last relationship and now I'm not. This also stems from having had an extremely abusive parent who is still in control of my life and a lot of unresolved trauma on that front, all of which I've discussed with him.
The first thing that bothers me is how touchy feely he is with people, especially with female friends, and even people that he's meeting for the first time. I don't mind hugs and arm touches and stuff but standing behind someone seated on the ground and leaning over their shoulder to talk, touching their knee/leg, picking them up, giving them shoulder/neck rubs/squeezes etc. seems a lot more intimate.
He also has a few really close friends, all girls, which is cool, but most of their conversations end up being about sex, or full of innuendo or just discussing all of their preferences with sex and the things they like/don't like in bed. He showed me a conversation where he'd offered to strip for them in exchange for some tea-spilling and then asked if I would be okay with it. I was weirded out and asked if he would be okay with me stripping for my dude friends to which he replied 'yeah, as long as there's no touching' because, according to him, even though he wouldn't like it it would still be 'toxic monogamy' if I couldn't do it because of how he'd feel. How does no touching make it okay? And isn't the whole point of being in a relationship to talk to and understand what makes each other uncomfortable (within rational boundaries) and if you really value the other person, then try not to do those things? (again, within rational boundaries.) Tbf he did say later that it was just a joke and even if he did strip for them it'd be as a joke and not sexual.
There's also two girls that he really likes and, before we got together, I would try to convince him to pursue either of them, and still say it jokingly at times. He always laughs it off and says I'd rather be with you, but at the same time keeps doing stuff/posting stuff and tagging them in it to impress both of them? Like, he was visiting from another city and staying with me and one of the girls lives in the same city as I do. He was cooking for us and told me he would be making extra for her and she'd drop by to pick up the food. I was like cool, it'd be fun to hang out with her because I really like her. He told me about this two days in advance and mentioned it often in those two days. What he did not mention was that he'd gotten her the same book he gave me on my birthday (which is fine too, it's a great book) and the only reason I found out was because he'd hidden it under a cushion on the couch and I habitually straighten things and saw the cushion out of place and then found the book under it. I asked him about it and he was a bit sheepish but I laughed it off and then was like let me know when she gets here. We had a couple of friends over and I was sitting with them. A few minutes later, I hear him go outside. He went downstairs and stayed there for about 5-10 minutes, then came back up and sat next to me. I asked when the girl was coming and he said oh she just came by and picked up the stuff and left. I was weirded out because this girl is acquainted with both of us equally and I'd expressed my desire to meet her again whenever he mentioned that she'd be dropping by and it felt like he was hiding from me the extent of things he was doing for her and from her the fact that he was staying with me.
Another incident with the other girl he liked (they're both best friends and she's one of the people from the stripping conversation) is of them wearing masks and him walking up to her and saying 'corona kisses!' and kissing her through the masks. Which, while not something I'd do with someone other than my SO, was fine with me when he told me about it and I laughed it off. Fast forward a week or so and he's showing me photos on his phone and accidentally opens a video of the corona kiss moment and then quickly exits. I laugh and say I want to watch it and he keeps trying to change the subject and showing me other things. Not until I really really insist does he reluctantly pull up the video again to let me watch it. The main thing that bothers me I guess is that he's told me they've talked in depth about being together and also how he can see himself marrying her and how they have a pact to marry each other if they're both single at 50. That's all great but then why not actually be with her instead of stringing me along as well? To which his response, basically, was that he has issues with her BO and wouldn't know how to communicate that to her. Which has me and my ever-anxious brain feeling like I was second choice and was picked only because of better hygiene.
We've been friends for a while but only been hooking up for two months now, and 'dating' for a month or so. And while I know all of these things would bother me less after therapy, and we've talked about this, I'm not sure whether to keep trying and communicating all of this at the risk of sounding like I'm nitpicking or just end things and not risk messing up our friendship (which, we've both agreed, is what matters most). Honestly I'm not even sure what advice I'm asking for, just maybe to hear unbiased opinions on whether I'm overreacting to this stuff or not. There's a bunch of incidents like this.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have different notions of physical affection/boundaries with friends from the opposite gender and this is a trigger for me from my last relationship and I'm not sure how to communicate all of it without sounding paranoid. Or even if I'm just being paranoid in the first place.
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Relationships
AIBU if my bf is very physically expressive/open about sex with his female friends.
Traumatrigger · 29/05/2020 07:40
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I bet the whole reason he was attracted to you and chased you in the first place was the very fact that you weren’t into him. You were being friendly, and seeing he had a larger than normal amount of liking for these 2 girls played matchmaker and suggested he date one of them. Like a red rag to a bull the challenge was laid, and it became operation getting you to fall for him. Being the player he is he knew well enough that the offer some smut conversation and hypothetical hook ups wouldn’t be enough to entice you, he knew he’d have to dangle a proper relationship in front of you.
You have to ask yourself why he doesn’t want a relationship with either of these women....and it’s because in his mind he has already won them. He doesn’t need to take it over the line and actually have the sex because pretty much they’ve already agreed they’d be happy having sex with him. No, what he’d rather do is toy with them instead, using them to boost his own ego whenever he feels like it and now they serve a secondary useful purpose in making you feel shit, competing for his attention and keeping you in the back foot and feeling insecure. He WANTS you to know the he could go off and fuck any one of these women at the drop of hat, as this keeps you on your toes and constantly trying to impress him and forever trying to be ‘cool’ with it. I also bet that these women only think of him sexually as in he would be a great shag, but awful to be in a relationship with, and they’d be right. They will see exactly what you see, and like most would be completely put off. However, this doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy the attention he lavishes and the jokey sex talk. It’s like a huge game of cat and mouse where the cat never catches the mouse.
This man may seem great to you now, but consider this....this is the part of the relationship where it’s early days where he should be trying to impress you and everything should be all hearts and flowers etc. If it’s this hard for you now, and there are issues already, imagine yourself 5 or 10 years down the line. With what he is like, imagine how you feel about him going on his stag do, imagine being at your wedding and he’s over in the corner having flirty sex talk with some woman, imagine being 7 months pregnant and sat a home feeling fat and unattractive (as pregnancy tends to make you feel) and he’s off out with his female friends. Absolutely none of these situations are nice for you, you will never be ok with how he behaves, yet this is who he is, he won’t stop being like this for you or for anyone else. You will spend your whole relationship/life constantly measuring yourself against the other women in his life, and there will always be one or two of them you will feel you have to worry about. You will never be comfortable or relaxed, you’ll never not want to not shave your legs because Jenny always shaves her legs and is smooth don’t you know, you’ll never feel ok with skipping that trip to the hairdresser because Louise goes every 3 weeks and never has roots, Natalie always has a fabulous tan, Claire has beautiful long legs, Josie has a great rack.....eugh do you really want to go through life knowing exactly what appraisal he gives these women, and he will make sure you know, it’s a kind of negging and if you don’t know what that is I suggest you look it up, a quick google will enlighten you to that lovely trick.
Honestly, please don’t put yourself through all of the above because I absolutely guarantee he is not worth it. You’ll end up MORE insecure than you already think you are. Save yourself the mindfuck and the drama and move on. 
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