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Relationships

AIBU if my bf is very physically expressive/open about sex with his female friends.

105 replies

Traumatrigger · 29/05/2020 07:40

I'm 24, he's 29. He asked me out a couple of months ago and wants to be serious and has told all his close friends about us. This is going to be a bit long. I'd like to preface this by saying I absolutely adore this person and everything he stands for. We have the same values, same weird humor, can be absolutely silly and comfortable together, can openly talk about things without fear of judgment, and while I am wary of calling someone 'the one', I can honestly imagine a life with this person.

I also realize a lot of the things I'm about to mention might not be as weird to other people and that everyone has their own views regarding personal boundaries, space, and physical affection. Which is also why I'm writing them here to get the opinion of complete strangers on the internet because I know my friends will back me up on this and I'd like an unbiased opinion instead, please.

There are a few things that bother/trigger me because my last relationship was toxic and I was with someone who was very possessive of me while at the same time cheating on me. So, yes, I have trust issues and insecurities and I know I need to see a therapist for them and my current partner is aware of the situation and of all the things that happened in my last relationship. Even though I've never been extremely open, I was pretty secure in my body and self-worth before my last relationship and now I'm not. This also stems from having had an extremely abusive parent who is still in control of my life and a lot of unresolved trauma on that front, all of which I've discussed with him.

The first thing that bothers me is how touchy feely he is with people, especially with female friends, and even people that he's meeting for the first time. I don't mind hugs and arm touches and stuff but standing behind someone seated on the ground and leaning over their shoulder to talk, touching their knee/leg, picking them up, giving them shoulder/neck rubs/squeezes etc. seems a lot more intimate.

He also has a few really close friends, all girls, which is cool, but most of their conversations end up being about sex, or full of innuendo or just discussing all of their preferences with sex and the things they like/don't like in bed. He showed me a conversation where he'd offered to strip for them in exchange for some tea-spilling and then asked if I would be okay with it. I was weirded out and asked if he would be okay with me stripping for my dude friends to which he replied 'yeah, as long as there's no touching' because, according to him, even though he wouldn't like it it would still be 'toxic monogamy' if I couldn't do it because of how he'd feel. How does no touching make it okay? And isn't the whole point of being in a relationship to talk to and understand what makes each other uncomfortable (within rational boundaries) and if you really value the other person, then try not to do those things? (again, within rational boundaries.) Tbf he did say later that it was just a joke and even if he did strip for them it'd be as a joke and not sexual.

There's also two girls that he really likes and, before we got together, I would try to convince him to pursue either of them, and still say it jokingly at times. He always laughs it off and says I'd rather be with you, but at the same time keeps doing stuff/posting stuff and tagging them in it to impress both of them? Like, he was visiting from another city and staying with me and one of the girls lives in the same city as I do. He was cooking for us and told me he would be making extra for her and she'd drop by to pick up the food. I was like cool, it'd be fun to hang out with her because I really like her. He told me about this two days in advance and mentioned it often in those two days. What he did not mention was that he'd gotten her the same book he gave me on my birthday (which is fine too, it's a great book) and the only reason I found out was because he'd hidden it under a cushion on the couch and I habitually straighten things and saw the cushion out of place and then found the book under it. I asked him about it and he was a bit sheepish but I laughed it off and then was like let me know when she gets here. We had a couple of friends over and I was sitting with them. A few minutes later, I hear him go outside. He went downstairs and stayed there for about 5-10 minutes, then came back up and sat next to me. I asked when the girl was coming and he said oh she just came by and picked up the stuff and left. I was weirded out because this girl is acquainted with both of us equally and I'd expressed my desire to meet her again whenever he mentioned that she'd be dropping by and it felt like he was hiding from me the extent of things he was doing for her and from her the fact that he was staying with me.

Another incident with the other girl he liked (they're both best friends and she's one of the people from the stripping conversation) is of them wearing masks and him walking up to her and saying 'corona kisses!' and kissing her through the masks. Which, while not something I'd do with someone other than my SO, was fine with me when he told me about it and I laughed it off. Fast forward a week or so and he's showing me photos on his phone and accidentally opens a video of the corona kiss moment and then quickly exits. I laugh and say I want to watch it and he keeps trying to change the subject and showing me other things. Not until I really really insist does he reluctantly pull up the video again to let me watch it. The main thing that bothers me I guess is that he's told me they've talked in depth about being together and also how he can see himself marrying her and how they have a pact to marry each other if they're both single at 50. That's all great but then why not actually be with her instead of stringing me along as well? To which his response, basically, was that he has issues with her BO and wouldn't know how to communicate that to her. Which has me and my ever-anxious brain feeling like I was second choice and was picked only because of better hygiene.

We've been friends for a while but only been hooking up for two months now, and 'dating' for a month or so. And while I know all of these things would bother me less after therapy, and we've talked about this, I'm not sure whether to keep trying and communicating all of this at the risk of sounding like I'm nitpicking or just end things and not risk messing up our friendship (which, we've both agreed, is what matters most). Honestly I'm not even sure what advice I'm asking for, just maybe to hear unbiased opinions on whether I'm overreacting to this stuff or not. There's a bunch of incidents like this.

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have different notions of physical affection/boundaries with friends from the opposite gender and this is a trigger for me from my last relationship and I'm not sure how to communicate all of it without sounding paranoid. Or even if I'm just being paranoid in the first place.

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scheffsm · 29/05/2020 10:00

even though he wouldn't like it it would still be 'toxic monogamy' if I couldn't do it because of how he'd feel.
He doesn't believe in monogamy.

To which his response, basically, was that he has issues with her BO and wouldn't know how to communicate that to her.
He's awful. He didn't have issues with her alleged BO when kissing her through a mask.

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have different notions of physical affection/boundaries with friends from the opposite gender and this is a trigger for me from my last relationship and I'm not sure how to communicate all of it without sounding paranoid. Or even if I'm just being paranoid in the first place.

You summarized the situation very well. This relationship doesn't work for you because of your different boundaries therefore it's time to move on. There is no point in trying to communicate anything to him because he's not interested in a serious, monogamous relationship.
IMHO he is a player and a prize prick of the worst kind.
You are already behaving in ways that should give you reason to worry - eg. all this business about suggesting he should be with one of the other women before you got together and your insecurities about the second woman. You're trying to act cool and not "controlling" by not telling him what is acceptable and is not.
You need to get out now before your self-esteem plummets and you can't get out.