Parents who are hoarders - anyone else?

[Mintychoc1]

Just wondering how other people cope with this.

Parents divorced since I was toddler, I’m close to my Mum, and we have lived in the same street for the past few years. She’s a very involved grandma (when we’re not in lockdown!) and we get on very well.

But she’s a terrible hoarder- she always was, but it got worse once I grew up and left home, and she had the whole house to herself to fill. She’s not really a shopaholic, but she can’t throw anything away. Even with recycling facilities, she has never thrown away plastic veg trays, tin foil, the red string bags that oranges sometimes come in, toothbrushes, jars, cottage cheese tubs, toilet roll inners, boxes of any kind, plastic bags, newspapers, magazines - anything really. She sometimes looks in my recycling bin and takes stuff out.

Her father and sister were hoarders, so it’s a family thing. And she’s 80 so she comes from a “make do and mend” generation. (I agree to an extent, I always get stuff repaired rather than buy new, and I hate consumerism). She was also poor when she was a young woman, so that’s always in the back of her mind. She’s comfortable now though - no mortgage, fair bit of savings after downsizing.

Anyway I can’t go to her house any more. It is just rammed full of piles of papers and junk. Her kitchen is disgusting - every square inch of surface is covered in tubs and jars - and of course it’s impossible to keep clean so there’s food waste everywhere too. She has 2 spare bedrooms and a garage, all of which are impossible to get into, due to all her hoarded stuff.

She’s not depressed. She has a (non live-in) partner, she has a garden she loves, she doesn’t go out much but she has lots of friends she writes to and talks to, she’s not lonely. She’s a bit forgetful but doesn’t have dementia. She’s very slow walking but has reasonable mobility.

Over the decades I have offered to help clear some stuff hundreds of times. Once she gave me a box to go through, but immediately removed it as she couldn’t bear any of it to be thrown away. All the other times she’s refused help. I’ve just learned to accept that it’s the way she is. She has mental capacity to make these decisions, and it’s her choice.

But I worry constantly, about her tripping over boxes, about mice getting in, just about her living in that way.

Clearing it is not an option, she won’t allow it, but does anyone have any tips about how to not be stressed by a loved-one’s hoarding?! I have no siblings or other family to get involved. Her partner agrees with me but isn’t really bothered by it.

Hi Minty,

my mum was similar in addition to endless shopping. It really was heartbreaking to barely be able to get around. But eventually I was able to help her clear out stuff which took about 3 weeks in total. I tried to be sensitive but I must admit there were times I would wait until she was not paying attention and just chuck a bag full of expired tinned food away. I should add that I would watch hoarding programs with her deliberately so that she could see how hurt the families were and I explained that’s exactly how I felt also.

Also, it might help for you to check with your local council to find out what kind of support they are able to offer.

It's my dad who is the hoarder - I wish I had answers.

I have sleepless nights about what will happen when the house has to be emptied - I daren't just turn it over to house clearance because I have no idea what might be buried in there.

I've cleared bits up in the past - for example, their telephone table, so they could use the phone without having to control a potential avalanche - but it starts building up again almost at once.

When lockdown happened and they had to shield, I suggested they might start using some of their hundreds of stored tins, sauces, packets of pasta etc. but no, they've had my sister dropping off normal shopping loads for them every week.

It's depressing and I have no answers at all. My sympathies to OP and others in the same boat.

Might be worth a chat to her local fire station. They often go to houses like that to asses and advise on fire risk etc. They can have a chat with her about it too

My Mum would never forgive me if I involved the fire service or social services. She doesn’t think she has a problem. In fact, she occasionally watches programmes about hoarders and talks about how awful it is! Despite being intelligent and of sound mind, she literally has zero insight in this. She truly believes that everything in her house has a potential use, and she takes the moral high ground by saying that other people throw things away too readily!

She gets fairly frequent mild gastric upsets, and I’m sure it’s due to her terrible kitchen hygiene. But of course she disagrees.

It’s so diffiuclt isn’t it.

Yes, my parents don't really accept they have a problem and wouldn't countenance any form of helpful outsider. The house isn't so bad that you can't get into it, but one room is completely full, the garage has nothing but a foot-wide 'corridor' and there are many parts of the house you have to squeeze into. The electrics have been out in their downstairs loo for about 10 years because it's too cluttered for anyone to fix it - their solution was to put a battery-powered lamp in there. Their living room is getting smaller and smaller because there are ever growing piles of stuff behind the sofa and chair and under the window so the furniture is moving inwards from the wall storage.

An empty piece of wall is a piling place or somewhere to put yet another cupboard. My dad is obsessed with buying plants, so everywhere you go, you are tripping over pot plants. Any shelves have to be not just full but towering.
Their habits have affected me and I sometimes struggle to throw things away. I always make a point of having some 'empty wall' in each room and I won't allow stacking of anything on shelves because I can't let myself get like my parents (my dad, really, but my mum has her head in the sand).

My dad. It’s mainly confined to the garage, loft and shed but it drives my mum absolutely mental. My auntie is the same though.

pelleas your parents’ battery lamp really resonates with me! That’s the sort of thing my Mum does. If something breaks and it’s a choice between clearing a space so it can be repaired, or cobbling together an inferior alternative, she’ll always choose the latter.

Pelleas. Your parents sound like mine, except that it's more my mother. She lost her shit completely once when a good friend who was house-sitting emptied out the fridge, threw everything that was gone off in the bin and cleaned it.
Entering the house sets off my allergies, the first time I took my now husband, she said to him "sit down" and he looked at me and mothed "where?", I am scared of eating her food, they have a chest freezer that doesn't even close, along with two other massive fridge freezers (there are two of them). There isn't a square inch of shelf of work surface available.
Also, they are always constantly broke as she will buy all kinds of tat.
My dad is an enabler and I found out recently that he is keeping stuff for us "kids" in case we want it one day (including my 40 year-old bike!).
They both still own clothes from the sixties, also bed sheets. If they ever have to leave the house, I'll have to take a month off work and just get skip after skip.
As someone else said, I can't get house clearers in as there are things which are of value, including a hugely expensive diamond ring, which she has lost of her bedroom...
It's so depressing...

Oh, yes, the fridge - what a nightmare. I once came across a packet of hard, square dark brown things - I eventually worked out they were some cheese slices I'd bought literally years ago. I never feel like eating anything at my parents' house unless it's come straight out of its packaging. My dad is particularly bad with fruit - he will leave it lying round until it's mouldy. Getting anything into their fridge or freezer involves Tetris-style manoeuvring.

They also keep foil pie tins, ice-cream tubs and anything like that which 'might be useful'. Yes, one or two might be useful, but not towers of them! They must have over 100 mugs taking up space in their kitchen - most of them crappy ones from petrol stations in the 1980s.

They both still own clothes from the sixties, also bed sheets.

Mine have had the same bedsheets all my life (and I'm in my mid-40s). When I stay there I get given an ancient sleeping bag from the 1980s to use on a sofa bed that no longer folds down properly (what used to be my bedroom, and still has a bed in it, is now crammed and inaccessible). So frustrating!

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/

My aunt was a hoarder too. A lovely intelligent woman, but inside her house was packed with plants and older newspapers...she wouldn't let anything be thrown away. You couldn't get into her spare room. From what I understand, hoarding is a pretty tough mental condition to crack...it seems so simple: just throw the clutter out. But there's this huge emotional connection with the stuff that's hoarded.

I think I have mild hoarding tendencies too, but one way I've found around it is to think that if I don't chuck it out/recycle it, then someone else eventually will (when I'm gone).

My DF and DStepM are both like this. They live a couple of hours away but I hardly visit them (or them me) as it is so difficult inside their house. Once your in, it’s like you’re a prisoner - once you have managed to find a space to sit you have to stay there, as there isn’t anywhere else you can go. There are lots of walkways made by piles of stuff!

My DStepM always says she’s “having a clear out” but I think this is her way of excusing the mess. I look at a pile of 100 old magazines and once said to her (looking at the top one) that she surely didn’t Need it (it was a mag for a particular hobby I know she does not do) but she said “oh it has some good recipes in there”. But she will never do them! It’s not even possible for her to do any real baking/cooking as their kitchen is tiny and you guessed it, full of stuff.

The funny thing is they both acknowledge there is a problem and both want to chuck each other’s stuff out but none of their own. So it is a stalemate.

I have offered to help clear their stuff but I think it would be a

....Nightmare as they would both resist me throwing stuff away.

My DStepM must have a 100 knitted jumpers lining the stairs, none of which she ever wears - crazy!

My DF apparently in the 60s/70s bought two of all his records - one to play and one to keep.

I could write for hours...

Any time you see programs on this it is nothing to do with cleaning or clearing. It's much deeper than that.

They often see it as a storage problem.

I've seen hoarders professionally (community worker) and it's a bloody nightmare.

It’s often about unprocessed grief, loss, trauma. It seems to bring the hoarder comfort or numbness (maybe like an addiction?) as removing the hoard seems to cause distress.

My FIL is a terrible hoarder. A number if years ago his brother was visiting from overseas and roped DP and SIL into helping clear some stuff out. Sadly they didn't get very far and FIL got quite upset by it.
The dining table is covered in newspapers and piles of post. I would love a couple of days to make a dent somewhere in the house.

It’s often about unprocessed grief, loss, trauma. This is definitely the case with my mother. Our father died when we were young children and I'm sure that's where my mother's hoarding comes from. It's an emotional block. I avoid visiting her house as it makes me very anxious, and there's nowhere to sit down! I recently organised a riser/recliner chair to be delivered to my mother's, and apologised in advance to the chap who was coming to install it. He said he's seen it all in his time. I dread having to clear the place out when she dies.

ohnoyesno it’s interesting what you say about hoarders seeing it as a storage problem, because that’s exactly what my Mum says. She complains that she has no storage space, hence the clutter. In fact she has a good sized 3 bedroom house that she lives in on her own, and still every room is full. I think she could fill Buckingham Palace!

Most hoarders seem to actively resist acknowledging they even have a hoarding problem. Its a "storage problem" or a "hobby". Seems to be a defense mechanism generated by their subconscious.

Yes, my DM. I think she has OCD (not the cleaning type obviously)! I know MN doesn't like DIY diagnosing, but it doesn't stop me thinking it, and I think she knows she has OCD and is a hoarder as well, but would never admit it.
Luckily, it's still liveable and not like the places on TV.
I also get dust allergy every time I'm there mainly because of the mattress I sleep on.

"Mine have had the same bedsheets all my life (and I'm in my mid-40s)."

That's nothing.
Some of the blankets I use in my parents' house have the initials of my great grandmother one them. She would have received them on her wedding day so they're very, very, old. I insisted on them being washed and they broke the washing machine!

Hello Minty I totally understand what you are going though, my mum is same; with her it’s clothes and shoes from charity shops mainly and the one good thing about this lockdown is she hasn’t been able to do any shopping, just food being delivered.
I think it was when her mother died that it got much worse, and it’s definitely a emotional issue with her.
I don’t know what to suggest, Minty, as the only way I could clear out a lot of the stuff was to have the house renovated, which was badly needed. It took me 4 weeks to go though everything as I didn’t want to throw out anything important, and it was draining to do, but I could ask anyone else to do it, but she has slowly filled the wardrobes and spaces up since, and as pp said I dread having to sort it out again when she dies.

My Mum moved house to live near me a few years ago. She began packing, and marvelled that she still had electricity bills from the 1970s. Then she brought them with her to the new house!

"Mine have had the same bedsheets all my life (and I'm in my mid-40s)."
*
That's nothing.
Some of the blankets I use in my parents' house have the initials of my great grandmother one them. She would have received them on her wedding day so they're very, very, old. I insisted on them being washed and they broke the washing machine!*

I raise you this: I recently found out that all the pillows in my DP's parents' house are filled with the feathers that were previously the filling of his grandmother's feather bed - bought in the 1930s. DP's mother cheerfully admitted that she recycled the feathers from the bed and turned them into pillows 'sometime in the 1960s.' She is also a big hoarder more generally.

My MIL kept all of her DCs toys in the loft. Her oldest son is 58. Ever time my DH went over she sent him up into the loft to find a specific (broken, dirty) toy for our DC - these then arrives back in our house - and I secretly throw them away....

She also sends him back with her broken hoover, broken garden furniture, iron etc. He then puts them in my shed - until I go bananas - then he moves them to the back of his car “to take to the dump” (which he has to drive past on the way from hers in the first place.....but he never gets round to it - so we drive around with her old broken shite rattling around in the back of our car.

He clearly has her tendencies. The worst is electrical plugs, monitors, key boards etc that end up in our bedroom - like a fucking annoying “present” brought in by a cat.

I am quite ruthless at decluttering the kids toys - I would stack them up outside the back door for him to bring to the charity shop - he would whinge that I was “throwing out the children’s childhood” .... FFS - this also would never get put in the car - the kids would spot this hoard and pull it apart and drag it around the garden to play with (this would be old broken stuff I found under their beds....) - so then I would have to declutter the garden of broken bits of toys.....