Parents who are hoarders - anyone else?

[Mintychoc1]

Just wondering how other people cope with this.

Parents divorced since I was toddler, I’m close to my Mum, and we have lived in the same street for the past few years. She’s a very involved grandma (when we’re not in lockdown!) and we get on very well.

But she’s a terrible hoarder- she always was, but it got worse once I grew up and left home, and she had the whole house to herself to fill. She’s not really a shopaholic, but she can’t throw anything away. Even with recycling facilities, she has never thrown away plastic veg trays, tin foil, the red string bags that oranges sometimes come in, toothbrushes, jars, cottage cheese tubs, toilet roll inners, boxes of any kind, plastic bags, newspapers, magazines - anything really. She sometimes looks in my recycling bin and takes stuff out.

Her father and sister were hoarders, so it’s a family thing. And she’s 80 so she comes from a “make do and mend” generation. (I agree to an extent, I always get stuff repaired rather than buy new, and I hate consumerism). She was also poor when she was a young woman, so that’s always in the back of her mind. She’s comfortable now though - no mortgage, fair bit of savings after downsizing.

Anyway I can’t go to her house any more. It is just rammed full of piles of papers and junk. Her kitchen is disgusting - every square inch of surface is covered in tubs and jars - and of course it’s impossible to keep clean so there’s food waste everywhere too. She has 2 spare bedrooms and a garage, all of which are impossible to get into, due to all her hoarded stuff.

She’s not depressed. She has a (non live-in) partner, she has a garden she loves, she doesn’t go out much but she has lots of friends she writes to and talks to, she’s not lonely. She’s a bit forgetful but doesn’t have dementia. She’s very slow walking but has reasonable mobility.

Over the decades I have offered to help clear some stuff hundreds of times. Once she gave me a box to go through, but immediately removed it as she couldn’t bear any of it to be thrown away. All the other times she’s refused help. I’ve just learned to accept that it’s the way she is. She has mental capacity to make these decisions, and it’s her choice.

But I worry constantly, about her tripping over boxes, about mice getting in, just about her living in that way.

Clearing it is not an option, she won’t allow it, but does anyone have any tips about how to not be stressed by a loved-one’s hoarding?! I have no siblings or other family to get involved. Her partner agrees with me but isn’t really bothered by it.

There was an interesting article doing the rounds about Swedish death cleaning. It's about reaching an age in your life (not dying or anything) and starting to consider what you'll be leaving behind for other people to clear for you.

It's very illuminating. Would she be amenable to this idea? I'll see if I can find the link. Basically you start to shed your possessions as a respect thing so that when you do die, they don't have to go through your 50 year old electricity bills and the likes. I do it all the time and I'm in my 30s! (but then both of my parents died and I had to deal with all of their stuff)

@DonLewis

I’d really like to read that article if you can find it.

OP ..if you haven’t already done it now is the time to get POA. Whilst your Mum is mentally capable off agreeing to it. She will clearly need your help to act on her behalf in the future. I mean that kindly.

I've been looking for and can't find the one I was thinking of. But it's a book. I think I must have read an interview the author gave when the book came out. I didn't realise it was a book. I might buy it!

My dad was a hoarder and I think my sibling is becoming one too, and has OCD like behaviours too. I won't go into details now but I agree it's very hard to get hoarders to admit to a problem and to change.

donlewis
I'm pretty sure this is what my aunt is doing.
She was turning up quite often before lockdown with things I might like... Bags of half used toiletries etc. I just throw them in the bin.

I agree on the connection to loss and grieving. My dad got several degrees worse after his parents died (they were old but both died within a two month period). His existing hoard was soon supplemented by most of the contents of their house, but not in any constructive way. They had some lovely things - such as 30s art deco crockery - where is it - somewhere under a mountain in the garage, possibly even broken.

yes, have family with this problem. Unhelpable. I've started watching this youtube course with the fantasy they might engage with it

"Mine have had the same bedsheets all my life (and I'm in my mid-40s)."

But that's not evidence of being a hoarder by itself. Not unless they have a huge pile of bedsheets somewhere they never use.

It seems to have both psychological and neurological causes. Most people find acquiring new items satisfying. With hoarders though this goes to another level, triggering strong emotions of bonding and pleasure.

But that's not evidence of being a hoarder by itself.

I didn't say it was - I described in my earlier posts what their house is like as a whole. The point is that hoarding has many characteristics, as pps have been sharing - it's not just about having a house that's so full of stuff it can't function properly, there is an accompanying range of attitudes towards possessions, throwing things away, using things well beyond the point when they have got shabby and uncomfortable.

My late MIL was a hoarder, although not an extreme one. In her case, I think it was caused by her 4 years in a Japanese concentration camp during WW2.
Food could not be thrown out until it was completely mouldy, magazines were kept for over 20 years (“they might have useful recipes in”!), ancient mouse chewed blankets were kept in cupboards, old letters were never thrown away.
When she died, it took months to empty her house. If you cleared a bookcase, you found another one concealed behind it. There were 50 year old clothes in wardrobes.
I’m sure hoarding either has deep emotional roots or is linked with OCD.

"I recently found out that all the pillows in my DP's parents' house are filled with the feathers that were previously the filling of his grandmother's feather bed - bought in the 1930s. DP's mother cheerfully admitted that she recycled the feathers from the bed and turned them into pillows 'sometime in the 1960s.'"

OK, quite good. My parents wouldn't go to the trouble of doing that.
It's a problem if you have a dust allergy and are using blankets about 100 years old that can't go into the washing machine though.

It is a recognised MH issue.
Let her be - this is so deep-rooted in her.

Honestly it's not worth the upset or the battle that you will never win.

@Pelleas I may have taken that a bit personally because I admit still have a ~45 year old woolen blanket I use every night. But its clean and comfortable and in good condition. Using blankets which are shabby and in poor condition and can no longer be cleaned does sound unhealthy.

"Mine have had the same bedsheets all my life (and I'm in my mid-40s)."

As long as they regularly wash them I don't see the issue? I have a couple of bedsheets that used to belong to my parents and are from the 70's. I kept them because I love the design on them, they don't fade or get thread bare and hardly need any ironing. Much better quality than the new ones that I have that need replacing regularly.

I used to have a mild hoarding tendency. It got much better when I finally dealt with my feelings of loss and being the family scapegoat. I threw out around 75% of my stuff, could easily be 85% actually but I wasn't able to do that till I felt more in control of my life. For me it really was a way to have control over something at least. You can't cure hoarding till you cure the mental health that caused it.

"I've started watching this youtube course with the fantasy they might engage with it"

I'm afraid I don't have the compassion or patience to deal with that really slow video.

As long as they regularly wash them I don't see the issue?

They're washed, but they're threadbare and one has been turned middle to sides so is very uncomfortable.

I'm sure I've read somewhere that extreme hoarders rarely change. I think in order to cope with their habits, you have to just leave them be and accept that it is their choice.

My grandparents are hoarders too. I used to worry about hygiene and fire risk in their home and have in the past thrown away tons in secret. I felt guilty briefly but honestly who needs old lollipop sticks and the little seal off of milk cartons?! Anyway now I've realised that I just can't change them.

She began packing, and marvelled that she still had electricity bills from the 1970s. Then she brought them with her to the new house!

Yes, tell me about it. Clearing out my late DM's house in 2010 we found grandfather's electricity bills from the 1950s, pertaining to a house which had been sold in 1966. The best was a bag containing bank statements from his father from the 1920s. They weren't even any use as a historical record, because they were half eaten by mice.

Plus the 50 year old clothes, jars and jars of out of date facecreams, every single birthday and Christmas card kept since 1948, plus cards wishing my grandmother recovery from an operation in 1964, when she didn't recover but died in 1965. Plus a front room with 35 chairs but nowhere to sit.

As for the sheets turned sides to middle - are there still unwrapped sheets in the cupboards? My DM was like that with towels - thread bare rubbish used all the time, with the result that I have not needed to buy a new towel for ten years.

There is no cure, except surreptitiously throw away stuff which is dirty and broken and you know won't be missed. It tooks weeks to clear her house, and even then, we had to get a house clearer in.

The worse thing is, DH is going like her.

My parents are. Not as extreme as some, but enough to make their large house very cluttered and not as clean as it could be.

The problem is they are both black and white thinkers, so if one pen, for example, is worth keeping then all pens have to be kept. They don’t seem to have the switch that says “ok, I’ve got 5 spare pens, that’s enough to cover losing a pen so I don’t need to keep any more”, or the one that says “I kept the museum tickets and leaflet to remind me of that holiday but I’ve not taken them out of the bag for 20 years so maybe I don’t really need to keep them after all”

A slight digression...

This artist had a hoarder mum and after years of trying to get her to stop which caused sadness and stress between them, hit on the amazing idea of turning her hoards into an artwork

www.treehugger.com/culture/artist-song-dong-exhibits-items-collected-packrat-mom.html

There’s a wonderful note accompanying the installation where apparently after the artist created the artwork and started touring with it, his mum said “see, I told you it was worth keeping”

I took my mum to see it in London. She definitely empathised with the mum!

Hmm, art work. With the old bike which DH had left outside in the rain for about 15 years because he was going to do it up when he had time, but he couldn't do it now because it was getting dark, or the weather was bad... I gave that away to a student who wanted to make an art work of it, so it did go to a good home. DH was not taken to see any exhibitions with it in.

As to that Art Exhibition - even though it's quite tidy, it's still painful to look at.

The article about clearing stuff when you're older out of respect and love for your children, so they don't have to deal with it when you die, sounds really interesting. My DF86 has started doing this, bless him. When my DM died it took me two hours to sort through her stuff. She got there first! Anyway, I do this all the time, I dread becoming a hoarder as my XH's hoarding was a major factor in our marriage ending. It's unbearable to live with. He was badly emotionally neglected as a child so every bit of 'stuff' was/is part of his emotional support. He now claims it is his environmental activism that makes him hold on to everything

These people are so like FIL. He also has really old towels and sheets and rarely buys new clothes. He regularly shops (well before lockdown) at Costco so there's always loads of random things around.
Thankfully my parents are the opposite!

"so if one pen, for example, is worth keeping then all pens have to be kept. "

I couldn't throw away a pen that was working either to be honest. I suppose if I had more than 50, I might take some to the charity shop.
I also keep old birthday cards so as much as I hate hoarding, do I actually have it to? Am I going to end up like my parents?
At the moment I go to the charity shop every few months, something my DM wouldn't let me do when I lived there - she even wore some of our old school uniform.

I have no advice but can sympathize. My FIL is a hoarder. He has a big house literally full to the ceilings, plus full barn and also pays for storage containers. We have found our old front door and pink bathroom suite (from the first house DH and I owned on the other side of the country 15 years ago) which he was supposed to have taken to the skip but apparently decided to take home instead! Tonnes and tonnes of wood offcuts (he's not a woodworker or hobbyist), boxes of newspaper cuttings, you name it. MIL said she counted his shirts recently (almost all from jumble sales) and there's around 200! I've never understood the hoarding mentality as surely when you're gone you know someone else will have to deal with it?! I feel so badly for my lovely MIL.