Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

boyfriends colourful past

52 replies

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:23

hi, I have been with my partner since January and a few things have come to light. He is 29 and I'm 24. He has been completely honest with me and told me when he was in his early 20s and single he was into swinging but he says it was just with single women (not orgys ect) I feel really uneasy about it as I feel there is more to it. At the end of the day it is his past but is this a red flag or something I should not have to worry about?

OP posts:

Leicester5 · 28/05/2020 10:27

If he was single and the women were single and it wasn't an orgy is that not one night stands?

Or do you mean threesomes?

MrsPerfect12 · 28/05/2020 10:28

If it's not something you ever wish to entertain then make it clear now, he's maybe testing the water/looking for open relationship.

PinkMonkeyBird · 28/05/2020 10:28

Swinging is group sex or swapping of sexual partners...how could he be swinging with single women?

Besides that, it depends on your feelings regarding swinging. Was he telling you this to gauge whether you would be interested or saying he did it in the past and has no interest in doing it again, but just wanted to be honest?

ptumbi · 28/05/2020 10:29

He's minimising, and there is more to come.

As Leicester said, if it was single women, and not orgies, then it's normal ONSs, maybe lots of. But he's only telling you a bit of it, and more will come out, otherwise he would have said, 'lots of ONSs'.

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:31

He says it was just single women but I think because of my reaction ( I was shocked) he has played it down but my gut is telling me there is more. He is a really good guy and I do love him but I feel so uneasy. I don't want things to end over his past as its not fair but I'm not sure if this is a red flag or not

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 28/05/2020 10:31

Yeah, he's told you who he is. Do you like it? If not then get rid of him.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 28/05/2020 10:33

Take him for what he is now would be my advice. Everyone has a past and whilst you can read anything into it you have to have a balanced view on now.If he is good to you and is decent and kind and makes you his whole world then I think you can be pretty secure.However if you feel he is trying in a roundabout way to test you and your boundaries and you feel uncomfortable then let go,Do not allow yourself to be manipulated into something you do not approve of. Best I can do there OP ,,,Hope its the latter and just some ancient history ...bit like me and my shell suits and bad perms ,something I was into that went with the time and frankly glad to have moved on from and never to repeat!!Not a period of my life I ammost proud of but equally being honest a part of me being who I am today...

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:33

I'm not into that sort of thing at all. He wants a normal relationship with me, family and kids etc but I just can't shake the feeling. I geniuly believe he doesn't want it now but then again I don't know.

OP posts:

Azaziel · 28/05/2020 10:35

Having sex with single women isn’t swinging. He’s been in a relationship and swapped partners with other people in a relationship at the very least. There will likely have been threesomes two between the women at least, if not a full on orgy. I wouldn’t blame him for glossing over the full truth. He didn’t have to tell you anything at all. Instead he tried to be completely honest, saw your reaction and then panicked. It’s up to you wherever his swinging bothers you or not. I’ve had threesomes and done similar stuff with my partner though so it wouldn’t bother me

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:36

10:33Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

Yes he treats me very well and is very honest and I believe that's why he has told me as I think it would have come out in the future. He has never asked any sexual advances towards that sort of thing but I just feel pretty uneasy. Maybe still shocked. I'm not sure I'm over reacting or having wool pulled over my eyes

OP posts:

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 28/05/2020 10:37

Was it a one off conversation you had?Or is it something that he keeps mentioning? The frequency of chats about it should give you some indication of what it means to him...

BluebellForest836 · 28/05/2020 10:38

He wants a normal relationship for now .... but what about 5 years down the line when things are stale with you and you might have a baby and he starts suggesting 3sums or clubs etc

If it was 1:1 with other women then it’s just a load of 1 night stands but did he attend clubs? Does he in the future ? Did he meet couples and just sleep with the women?

Azaziel · 28/05/2020 10:38

Op just because he’s done that in the past, it doesn’t mean he has to do it now. I say I’ve done stuff like that with my partner, the last time was 5 years ago and there’s no plans to do it again. If you think he’s testing the water then you need to have a frank discussion that you’ll never be willing to do something like that. I wouldn’t be jumping straight into marriage and babies with him either yet though. It sounds like you’re still getting to know each other so I’d just see how this plays out for now

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:38

BTW I'm not saying swinging is bad or anything like that. Whatever floats your boat but its something that I'm not into at all and won't be!

OP posts:

LastNameChanger · 28/05/2020 10:40

My dp slept around.. a lot.
I got into it wanting something casual anyway as I wasn’t comfortable settling down with someone who slept around (9 years single, in the army and always on nights out)

He told me straight out he actually really liked me and I said I wasn’t comfortable with anything serious because of his past.. I’m 5 years in, settled with a toddler now and honestly I don’t give his past a second thought.

If he’s not that person anymore I don’t see it as reason to leave. Everyone has a past.

shouldisay · 28/05/2020 10:41

OP only you can decide if you are comfortable with this or not. FWIW, I have also had a colourful past. Was very promiscuous before I married, had a totally monogamous marriage until my husband had an affair, then when single played the field again. Have been in a relationship now for 4 years, totally faithful. However DP is like you and struggles to see how I can go from having the thrill of the chase, to be happy with one man. It has caused us no end of issues, albeit things are better now than they were.

If this is something you cannot reconcile yourself with, then let him go, if your gut says he hasn't finished, let him go....but it's possible he is telling the truth about what he wants, what he has done is in the past and should stay there.

Josuk · 28/05/2020 10:42

What specifically are you concerned about?
If I were you - I’d make sure you both get full sti tests, and for you to make sure you had an HPV vaccination, but other than that - what really worries you?

Looking at it from outside and with benefit of age - I’d say you two probably have different attitudes to sex, which may or may not lead to issues long term.
He has been more experimental - and there isn’t anything wrong with that, certainly not in his 20s and with consenting adults.
You appear to be more conservative in how you view sex, and a little judgemental.

So - there is a potential that at some point this different attitude towards sex would come and cause issues. Whether or not he’ll miss that experience/excitement at a later time in his life is hard to tell.
But at the same time you are still so young - and just dating - and whether you two would end up together isn’t guaranteed in general.

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:42

Thats my issue BluebellForest836 about not being enough for him in the future or going behind my back. I know he had a very bad time in his early 20s around the same time aswell. He says he doesn't regret it and its made him the person he is today because of the mistakes he's made

OP posts:

Cantpickausername5 · 28/05/2020 10:43

I wonder rather than downplaying it is he over blowing it. Maybe trying to portray himself as having a colourful sexual past to make him seem more exciting. Otherwise I really don't understand how you can go swinging with single woman. That's just normal sex. Unless he was on that fabswingers website or something. I think you should have a conversation to clear things up and explain your not judging him but as he a has brought it up your just trying to understand it

AppleJane · 28/05/2020 10:46

I think you need an honest chat with him. Tell him you want to have a family with him and you don't want any skeletons coming out later. Ask him to lay it all out.

I'd be a bit suspicious he's testing the waters and if he is that means his desires in that direction haven't gone away.

Good luck, I'm all for letting people turn over a new leaf but not at someone else's expense.

BluebellForest836 · 28/05/2020 10:46

Was he on fab swingers ?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 28/05/2020 10:48

In all honesty I think you will be ok with him OP...if anything I think he was a bit daft in bringing it up in the first place really. Understandably you were shocked I get that totally but why he would leave himself open to be judged about his previous sexual history seems a bit bonkers too. I am on husband no 3 ish and I am wife no2 so I know he has had previous relationships the kids are proof of that so I dont need to know more I dont ask and he doesnt tell neither do i tell him about my history because mainly its not relevant to now and how we are with each other.We build on what we have now every day and just care and love each other..Try to move past it..shut himdown and say you dont want to know about it anymore and you will never be a part of that scene as its not your thing and lay your cards on the table like that in a friendly way so he knows where he stands with you then you can move on together.

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:49

Thank you for all the response by the way.

And yes I am quite a conservative person! your right!
He is more breezy i would say. I know if I ask more questions about
it he will be more honest! And i would rather not know if that makes sense? He brought it up once but I keep bringing it up which isnt fair and I can see he is getting more stressed about it. I have had very bad relationships in the past so I think Im being really picky or panicking

OP posts:

BluebellForest836 · 28/05/2020 10:53

You need to either decide you want to hear the whole truth or you don’t.

Then you have to decide to trust him when he says it’s not what he wants for his future.

Only you can decide if you think he’s being honest or not.

When was the last time he went ‘swinging’ etc? Years before you or months?

Original poster

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:54

He was on Fabswingers website I think, he had told me that - thats why I feel more uneasy. I think my issue is that I do trust him now and dont think its fair to judge him by his past and potentionally ruin a relationship. However I think its down to me accepting his past but also the rational side of me is thinking, is this going to be part of the package?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3