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Original poster

boyfriends colourful past

52 replies

Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:23

hi, I have been with my partner since January and a few things have come to light. He is 29 and I'm 24. He has been completely honest with me and told me when he was in his early 20s and single he was into swinging but he says it was just with single women (not orgys ect) I feel really uneasy about it as I feel there is more to it. At the end of the day it is his past but is this a red flag or something I should not have to worry about?

OP posts:
Isthisnothing · 28/05/2020 10:58

If he's only brought it up once he does not seem to be trying to open a dialogue about it. There is no reason to believe he would not be satisfied with just you. I have a very colourful past and no interest in revisiting it. I know two men completely committed to their partners who turned their backs on that lifestyle - no regrets.

See how he treats you, behaves in this relationship and judge him on that instead of his past.

Original poster
Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 10:59

He said it was years ago and I do believe him. I actually feel guilty for judging him by his past. I think that its my views on swinging (like to me its a turn off) and I think that that is my problem not him. Im also very insecure so my mind is constantly in overdrive about it. Ive been furloughed since march which doesnt help either so all im doing is focusing on it :(

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 28/05/2020 11:03

You are being unfair. Lots of people experiment when they are young. It's very normal and I think expecting someone to want the same thing in their 30s and beyond that they did in their 20s is definitely not right.

However, in the early stages of a relationship it is perfectly okay to decide you're not comfortable with someone for whatever reason - the fact that he wears green socks, his regular football practice or, in this case, his previous sexual history. If you're conservative and judgemental, then perhaps this will always hang over you.

MMmomDD · 28/05/2020 11:03

Most people you would meet OP would have had a past. Mostly they would have had sex; masturbated; watched porn; fantasised about things; maybe cheated; maybe had ONSs; or casual relationships.
Equally - most people would change a lot over the course of their lives.
So you will never have a fill guarantee on how it will go on in the future for any relationship with anyone.
Past doesn’t have to define the future.

All you know is the present and how it is now. Rest is a leap of faith.

Oopsiedaisyy · 28/05/2020 11:04

I've had a threesome and being on fab swingers, but as part of a committed relationship. However lots of single men are on fab and meet gfs that way, without wanting to meet couples or have group orgies.

Its just sex, it comes in different flavours and it's possible to have swung and still love and want sex with just one person and a normal life.

MMmomDD · 28/05/2020 11:08

Also wanted to add - you mentioned being insecure and I am happy you recognised it.
Often people mask that with being judgemental, like whet you are doing.
It’s really your issue - not his.
He did nothing wrong, just living his life and was being honest about it.
If you want to have a long term relationship with him or anyone else really - you need to figure out how to build up your self confidence. Because otherwise - it will cause issues and potentially destroy relationships.

Original poster
Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 11:08

Thankyou for these messages they are really giving me an insight. I feel the problem is me. I need to accept it and move on and if I cant i need to let him go. He isnt from the same area as me so he didnt really need to tell me as it possibly never would have come to light. From day one he has been honest about everything and maybe even told be to much but he tells me he really wants to make us special and hes ready to settle down and have a future and how could I ever end a good relationship based on something he did before he even knew me

OP posts:
Azaziel · 28/05/2020 11:11

Op, if he’s going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. Having had threesomes/swinging in the past isn’t going to increase or decrease his chances of being faithful. You’re either going to be enough for him, or you won’t be

Original poster
Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 11:13

MMmomDD

Yes your right, Im looking into building myself confidence up and having some councelling once the covid goes. I just was scared that as he was into that when he was younger that I wouldnt be enough sexually for him now or in the future. I have never had anyone so committed to me before and treat me so well! im usto all my relationships failing :(

OP posts:
Mama05 · 28/05/2020 11:14

Personally, I’d avoid a rest up ship with him.

It’s something he’s into and by the sounds of it you’re not. Which is equally fine whichever way you look at it but I’d be worried that one day he would want to partake in said colourful past once more and I’d also be worried that I wasn’t able to fulfil him in the bedroom

canigooutyet · 28/05/2020 11:16

If you've made it clear that you aren't into swapping partners, other women etc then somehow you have to come to terms with what he did in the past. And the only way it's going to work is for you to trust him and for you both to communicate.

It's been 4 or 5 months, how long has he been saying he sees a future, settle down etc?

Jsku · 28/05/2020 11:16

OP - I wanted to add a different point here to all of the good points above.
You are 24. You only just met the guy in Jan. it’s way way way too early to talk about the future.

It’s great that he is in general ready to settle down. But - it’s only been a few months of dating + lockdown.
I’d be a lot more worried about this stranger, really, love bombing you and telling you he wants a future and children with you.

Just don’t rush anything. It takes a while to really get to know each other and figuring out if you work well together. Takes more than a few months, for sure.

canigooutyet · 28/05/2020 11:21

Just because he's had a colourful past, doesn't mean you won't fulfil him and he will cheat etc.

Sometimes things just fizzle out for either party after a year or whatever. Could be in a couple of months, he's history because he's not doing it for you anymore.

SimonJT · 28/05/2020 11:23

It wouldn’t bother me, my boyfriend has done similar, he’s also done a few of my friends Shock it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

MMmomDD · 28/05/2020 11:23

OP - please slow down. And do spend time with a counsellor.
This is all sounding worse now. Swinging isn’t the issue at all.
The apparent strong commitment after 4 months is a warning sign.
I think your insecurities and neediness are leading you somewhere where you might end up hurt.

I hope it’s the new relationship honeymoon phase and not something worse where he picked up on your neediness and vulnerability and feeding you what you want to hear.

Hope you have friends around you to provide some support and stop you from making mistakes.

Original poster
Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 11:24

Jsku,

I worry about that too, Like what if hes being abit rational. Like he may want marriage and kids and rush into it now but in 5 years time or whatever he may want to go back. But like other PP have said he was in his early 20s, single ect. I suppose its something that I will only find out in the future if I decide to stay with him and that there isnt any real answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotsummer2020 · 28/05/2020 11:35

MMmomDD

yes I am defiantly, I have alot of personal issues and getting into any relationship at the moment isnt the best. I have told him this and hes willing to give me the support. But I think this is something I need to do alone. Im hoping when I get back to work Ill feel my independence again I love my job. Im reading into everything alot more deeper thanI should be x

OP posts:
DrowsyDragon · 28/05/2020 11:54

I think you are reading far too much into it. I was part of a very adventurous group when I was younger. A lot of them were into group sex, open relationships, S&M clubs etc etc. I was always on the periphery of it and met my now DH who again was friends but not one of te most active. When we first got together we'd go to parties and snog other people and fool around a bit but we both got more seriousl, decided that wasn't what we wanted and we've been monogamous for over a decade, married, child. Some people from that group are still heavily into that scene but loads grew out of it in their late twenties and settled down. Both are totally normal. Another friend was hooking up with men and women, spanking people all sorts and has been happily and monogamously married for five years now and is a very active member of their anglican church. Their spouse had exactly your fears when they first got together but my friend didn't want that life anymore. If your boyfriend is telling you about it and not saying 'let's try this' he's probably just outgrown that stage in his life.
People change a lot between 20 and 29!

ErickBroch · 28/05/2020 11:56

You don't need to force yourself to be ok with it. If you aren't, you aren't. It is much worse to continue a relationship and constantly hang someones past over their head than it is to just end it. No one has done anything wrong... just not compatible!

If this is going to be on your mind often then it is not worth it.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 12:01

Swinging is group sex or swapping of sexual partners...how could he be swinging with single women?

Does he mean only with one woman at a time (as opposed to threesomes, groups etc) rather than single women ie. Not in a relationship.

I'd be surprised that many single woman were on those sites, thought it was more about partner swapping but whatever.

In any case - what is important is if you are comfortable with it of not, and it sounds like you are not.

I would not be either, i think it indicates a fixation/priority on sex that I would t be comfortable with.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 12:03

It's beyond a boundary for me.

I'd worry he's return to it or similar in future.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 12:04

Op you're very young and have lots of time to meet someone as long as you give yourself opportunities.

You're not comfortable with this and plenty of people would t be.

You don't have to accept anything - you have the right to end a relationship for any reason whatsoever, and this to me is not minor.

NoMoreDickheads · 28/05/2020 12:08

I think you have quite different personalities and are not a natural fit. There will be men out there it'll be easier for you to get along with.

Yes a lot of us do things like that in our early 20s, but those of us that do tend to have a different natural personality from those that don't. Which doesn't mean the 'wild' ones don't grow out of it, but we're still different.

Jsku · 28/05/2020 12:10

Hotsummer

I am making a very different point. It’s not about what he’ll want after 5 years or a relationship.
It’s about that he is filling your head with expectations and dreams of a future.
Neither of you know each other well enough to know if your relationship will last long term.

I really hope he isn’t one of these men who convince women that they really want to have a child with them because they feel so so special about the relationship. All the while not really committing to a marriage.

You are so young OP. You have a lot of time.
Date and enjoy your life and don’t rush into anything.

GilbertMarkham · 28/05/2020 12:24

Yeah it's also very early to be investing and discussing major commitment. Takes a year or two to get to know someone.