Boundaries

[PVio]

I’ve name changed for this although if the person who sent the email sees this they’ll know exactly who I am.

Was involved in a toxic on/off relationship with my ex for 5 years. He’s the father of my nearly 3 year old. He lives in London and I live in Scotland. We moved here together and he left about 1.5 years ago.

There’s so much backstory and I don’t want to drip feed. I’ve been trying to put down boundaries in terms of communication etc. to protect myself as I’ve had threats etc. I have spoken with the police who then spoke to him as he ended up calling my work earlier this year to try and find out where I was as he was “worried about me” (he’d been texting me the day before calling me pathetic).

Contact has always been an issue - I’ve never stopped it or denied him access, although in hindsight I probably should have been firmer with things. When he first moved away he was expecting me to meet him halfway with our child whilst not giving any maintenance (I was on benefits and don’t drive). He took her to stay at his new gfs when I had been told he was staying at his parents (I was unaware of his new partner and only found out through pics he’d put on social media).

Due to Covid and our child being unwell in Feb (was meant to go down then) there’s been no direct contact since Dec/start of Jan). It went to court in March as he was wanted access and I didn’t feel it was safe at that point. FaceTime/phone contact was granted for 15 mins every day. Video calls don’t always go as he likes because our child is 2 🤷‍♀️

I’m aware I’m writing a lot so sorry! He texted me this morning asking how I’m feeling (?!) I phoned to ask him not to send texts like that as I feel it’s inappropriate. The attached email was his response.

I do take antidepressants but I don’t discuss my mental health with him and don’t want to. I don’t have to, do I? He would be the worst person for me to disclose anything to. He uses things against me and has form for doing things when he’s angry at me.

I don’t know what I’m asking here but I’m at the point where I feel I’m in the wrong and I’m too involved to think clearly about anything.

My Dad died when I was 18 and I don’t want our child growing up without their Dad (he knows this) but I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve said he can have a week of direct contact as I feel guilty my child hasn’t seen their Dad and he’s threatened that I’ll have to justify myself in court if they haven’t seen each other when we go back to court (August). I’m also so scared of being seen as an unreasonable mother in court because of the decisions I’ve made

Help 🤯

Attached email here

Can I also add that before Covid I’d been receiving support from a group that deals with women who’ve been affected by domestic abuse. Most communication was through my lawyer etc so I felt in control and removed from him but now he’s in my house on a daily basis....

Just say youre feeling fine thanks for thinking of me.

Leave it there.

Look after yourself and your child.

Do the chat only if your child wants to.

Wifi can be unpredictable.

OP I'm confused. Is communication still going through your solicitor? What instructions was he given regarding communication in court?

Why is he asking about your mental health? Does he think your mental health is affecting your child?

I'm great thanks, hope you are too.

Leave it at that

You should've just said you were fine. Now you've made it into an issue unecessarily and he could bring it up in court.

Just tell him you're okay thanks.

Don’t respond to any personal questions or make reference to them. Grey rock all the way. It is not appropriate him to ask given his past history of abuse.

Thank you so much. It’s always what I should have done after the event. I just get flummoxed and panicky and all sorts but he knows this...

I was working on replying with stock responses/answers before covid with the support I was receiving. Need to practice more and will definitely be reading more about grey rock. Thank you again x

Make yourself some rules about how you respond to him.

One should be never reply to anything from him straight away. Walk away from it, have a cup of tea and a think about it. Never call him, as he'll just twist it all up. Keep any response short and factual.

You don't have to respond to questions about yourself/your MH, just ignore anything personal. He's trying to create a narrative, you don't need to feed into it. I would not comment on his question but say something like "Dc is having a great day, [x-time] would be a convenient for your call" Just turn everything back to your dc, don't engage with anything else.

Sounds like he's trying to set up a image of himself as 'Mr reasonable and caring' for court. Very sneaky of him. Agree with pp that you should wait to reply and ignore personal questions, bring everything back to dc.

He's trying to set up a chain of emails that he can keep in order to 'prove' that he cares about you but that you are unstable and have problems with your mental health.

Don't respond with anything other than "I'm fine thanks" and only then if you feel you absolutely have to. Never show any emotion.

It seems to me that him contacting you like this is tantamount to abuse, and is also harassment of you.

Yes google grey rock
And apply it
My ex lives in another country now (thanks COVID!) and evening the very thought of communicating makes me feel sick

God you’d hope with a new partner they’d back off a bit wouldn’t you

It sounds like he is trying to gather evidence from your responses to use against you in a future court case .
My ex did this .
Be very careful what you reply .

Thanks again for your replies. Can I ask @Fidgety31 what the result of your ex doing that in court was?

I was doing quite well, and now I’m so unsure and paranoid and anxious about the upcoming hearing. There’s times I think maybe I am being unreasonable by putting boundaries down - I don’t show myself in video calls (as he’s accused me of having herpes when I had a cut on my lip before) - and he says I’m childish.

Ultimately it’s meant to be about our child but most of what I’ve written is about me and the effect it’s having on me and that makes me feel like such a s*it mum 😢

You're doing the right things. Ultimately he's continuing to abuse and manipulate you through the contact you're having. If you can reduce it, I would.

Remember, unless he has your dc with him, nothing he has to say is important or urgent. Always always take thinking time before responding.

You know by experience he'll use any weapon, whether a blemish or whatever, and saying you're childish is just to try to manipulate you into giving him back the opportunity to comment on your appearance etc.

Are you still in touch with domestic abuse services? Do get as much support as as you can with this ongoing.

You're not a shit mum. He's a shit father deliberately trying to harm her mother and he's solely interested in point-scoring, not her welfare.

Thank you @category12, I need to stick what the court ordered which is daily contact with our child (although there have been days where he has not adhered to it himself 🤷‍♀️).

I’m keeping a contact diary and forwarding his emails to my solicitor.

It’s a child welfare hearing in August (based in Scotland) so it’s about our child and not me, so will any of this matter? Will the sheriff take it into account? Can I add he’s only paid maintenance twice this year too - I know you shouldn’t link contact and maintenance but it’s falling. He’s been on a Caribbean holiday etc. in this time. No wonder I’m stressed 😫

I don't think so. He's got no right to contact with you so complaining you don't show yourself on camera nor enter into discussions of your mh/personal life shouldn't going to get him anywhere.

You're facilitating his contact with dc. That's all you need to do.

I just could not have resisted responding with "p.s. it's "you're", not "your". Please learn to spell your own language".

Yeah he's blatantly trying to paint a picture that you're not entirely stable and that he's kind and concerned etc. Tbh I saw through it and it made me angry in two seconds flat so I imagine others would too.

Esp people who are used to dealing with this sort of nonsense and this type of person in the family law arena.

I wouldnt be able to resist replying with things like "well anyone would end up on antidepressants after being in a relationship with you", and "I worry about you too, but as we're not in a relationship any more, I feel.its appropriate to Ieave concerns like that to your current partner/partners".

And "if you're do concerned about DD, perhaps you should pay your child maintenance instead of prioritising Carribbean holidays".

None of these are probably advisable though.

It would be best to get whatever (preferably free) advice you can get on how best to deal with this sort of passive aggressive, malicious little communications.

Probably just to say repeatedly "as I have said before, pleased keep communication explicitly about our DD, please stop.akk comments directed at me".

*all

There is no obligation to reply to anything from him unless it it relates to contact or welfare of his child.

I would stick to communications via email only.

Read up around Grey Rock technique. Be polite and courteous in front of DC but you do not have to engage in irrelevant discussions.

Use CMS for maintenance.

Or "given your behaviour to date, you'll forgive me for being skeptical about the sincerity of your "concern" for me, and doubt the intention behind these comments. Could I ask you - again - to stop making comments like these".

That calls him out.

But, maybe it's not be the way to go - legal people of WA would know best.

Alternatively;

"stop the shit stirring and pay the child maintenance you owe (before you book another long haul holiday)".

I think not engaging is the best route.

Never wrestle with a pig, you both get covered in mud, but the pig enjoys it.

Attrition, no ammunition.