I’ve just noticed this about my mum but I don’t know what to make of it.

[ExShield]

She’s in her 70s, I’m 50, and it’s taken me a lot of self help reading to notice her behaviour towards the other people in my life.

For example, I have several close friends but the two that she absolutely doesn’t like and hasn’t got a good word to say about, are the two that are my most supportive and accepting. They love me for me and I have never felt like I’ve ever been in any way lacking when I’m with them. And I love them dearly too. My mother rarely sees me with them but always says she thinks they are sly and not genuine.

My husband. Our marriage is on the rocks due to in part his drinking and money issues. We were very happy when we first got together and yet my mother slagged him off constantly, no matter what he said or did for me. It was never enough, he was lazy, slovenly, flashy, selfish. Fast forward and now that he really IS acting like an arse, he can literally do no wrong and our problems are apparently all my fault.

WTF is that all about? It’s 3am and I can’t sleep and I’m knocked over by this realisation. Can someone help me understand/articulate what’s going on? I can’t see the wood from the trees so please spell out to me what may appear obvious!

Not that any of this makes it right but many many women have horrible self-esteem. Women are marginalized treated like a skivvy and never thanked for anything.

A lot can be bitter over not having the opportunity young women have today. That disappointment and resentment spills out to people around them.

That said, it's up to her to get help for her own issues.

You can do your best to avoid her most of the time. Avoiding would be best.
If she makes unkind cracks, just state it wasn't very nice thing to say.
If you feel you can, validate her on something she's done well every once in awhile.

Effectively, she is rejecting your reality including your need for support dealing with your H.

This has resonated with me enormously. It’s my relationship with my mother in a nutshell.

Constant second guessing myself, and doing anything I can to get her approval, even if that meant doing stuff that ultimately hurt me - anything to make our realities match. Because if they didn’t match, then that would mean that she was wrong about something and she is never wrong about anything.

I have suspected for a long time that she is a narcissist, but her telling me what is and isn’t real, was a part of something different I thought.

She persuaded me to end it with a long term boyfriend, years ago. She said she didn’t think he was demonstrative enough. Constant low level criticism of him and everything he did. He wasn’t perfect but we really loved each other and I ended it. I met someone else who she approved of but at the same time would flirt outrageously with, and who ultimately treated me very badly. When that ended I was very upset, and so she went back to the mother of the first ex to try and get us back together! We never patched it up, it is my greatest regret and even now, pushing 30 years later I think about him. (That sounds like I regret the life and kids I have now - I don’t - I can’t articulate this properly.) And this is a colossal confession - I have a sort of secret “tic” - when I think of something I regret or am embarrassed/ashamed of, I whisper his name to myself. It’s like there’s some associated scar there. God what a mess.

There will be associated scars all over the place in your psyche, @ExShield.

Just because you're suddenly able to see the mess doesn't make it more messy. The mess has been there always. In fact, being able to see it means you are miles closer to clearing it up. Now you've identified the problem, you can support yourself properly. There's loads of info at your fingertips if you google narcissism. You can start making changes right away to improve things.

You must be feeling shaken. Go easy on yourself. Be the mother to yourself that she's never been. Somebody upthread mentioned emotional cuddles. A lovely phrase. Allow yourself a period of being metaphorically on the emotional sofa with the emotional duvet, curled up and taking some time out, safe and comfy. It's time for your wellbeing to be the focus, now. And ongoing.

My mum also seems to be mildly disapproving and critical of me. I have had a lot of counselling and time to think about why she is the way she is and have concluded she feels empty and worthless herself. If I am not slogging away at the most difficult career option/self improvement activity I am wildly indulgent in her eyes. My mum went from her own extremely critical mother to a marriage with a critical man. She never gets her hair done or goes out with friends or on holiday. I know she thinks I have failed to take advantage of the educational opportunities she feels she was denied. I find it a lot easier to maintain a relationship with her if I bear these things in mind. I am working towards forgiveness and compassion which I think is all you can really do for your own sanity.

I am working towards forgiveness and compassion which I think is all you can really do for your own sanity

Also creating a situation with minimal contact, and as little sharing of personal info as possible. This can be done gradually, so that Mum barely notices, but even tiny steps in the right direction can be beneficial immediately to the adult child and their self image.

@thegreenlight sorry you are in the same boat but at least we know we are not alone.
It hurts doesn’t it? Really hurts when you see how genuinely lovely and supportive some parents are with their DCs.

Do you feel if you contact her now she would just revert straight back to her old behaviour?
Maybe space is just what you need, so you can take your time to heal and figure out your next steps. Can toxic people ever change?

What has helped me is just accepting the relationship for what it is, and not having any expectations. There has never been emotional support so I don’t ever expect it anymore. Stops me feeling disappointed.
Acceptance definitely helps.

I think compassion, or pity, is as good a way to go as any - but forgiveness is pushing it some.

I can understand a lot of why my mother was the way she was, and I have pity for her in her own unhappiness - but I do not forgive her for continuing the pattern and foisting her unhappiness on me.

She died over a decade ago - she never saw my DS1 except in his first scan photo - and her only comment on that was "Oh no, now I'll have 6 grandchildren". I mean, WTF? Why does having one more matter? Who even SAYS something like that? She couldn't be nice to me even for that.
Do I regret that she never saw him born? No. She would have criticised everything I did as a mother - so at least I didn't have that undermining influence to deal with.

So no - no forgiveness here. But understanding and pity, yes. It doesn't eat away at me - I don't think about it much except when threads like this pop up - so I don't feel like I'm carrying the weight.

Can I suggest you read a book called complex ptsd by Pete Walker

All these replies sound like very emotionally immature and parents who offer no support.

I can so relate to this, at 12 my DM spent hours crying on my shoulder when my DF left ... I was 12

I can relate to this.

My mum always made me believe friends/boyfriends did not like me or had bad intentions. On a few occasions she was correct. I was severely bullied at high school so this only added to my belief that I was unlikeable.

My sibling on the other hand is liked and loved by just about anyone, according to my mum. My mum has always rambled on about her friendships and that she is so blessed.

My mum does not acknowledge my friends - never have done. I have accepted it is simply because they are associated with me.

I’m so humbled by the responses on this thread. Eckart you’re right, I’ve been feeling very changed somehow. And less stuck.

Thankyou all so much for the book recommendations, I shall work through them. I’ve just finished “The body keeps the score” and examined some of my beliefs about my appearance which my mum has always gone on about. I used to think she was right but actually she was very much a part of my eating disorder, I’m starting to recognise.

God the stuff has come flooding back. I think I’ve stayed at the weight I have because I know it pisses her off and it’s a small way to get back at her. Waaay fucked.

Do you think though that you've realised this as you're older because shes become more like this as shes older? My mother has definitely only changed in the last 10 years as has mil, both so much more direct, both make remarks I'd never dream of saying. I said to my dh and said I worried about becoming bitter in old age and he said it couldn't happen but both weren't like this ten years ago and both had their dhs die since too. I honestly wonder if you just get more and more embittered and judgemental as you get older because life is kind of knocking you (both have health issues). Also if you're reading about it a lot do you not think you might be overthinking it all?

"the body keeps the score" made a lot of pennies drop for me!

Something I also found cathartic was reading the two graphic novels Alison Bechdel wrote about her parents.

(I also read Jeanette Winterson's autobiography but that I think crosses the line from "posh cottages", which is where most of us are (resigned acceptance, LC, deep breaths), to Stately Homes (run run run)).

Trying in my old age to improve my emotional literacy...

No I think she has always been like this. Bit because it’s been dressed up as “I just want the best for you” I let it go. I was telling her one time about something really bad my husband had done, and she SMILED. I asked her what was funny, and why she was smiling, and she said “it’s just an expression.”

And she absolutely delights in any friendship issues, piling in to tell me what I’m apparently oblivious to.

Will look up Alison Bechdal today.

I realised today as well that the two friends she didn’t like, aren’t keen on her either and she thinks they have too much influence. FFS. I’m 50!

Prettytasteless I’ve just bought that for my kindle.