I’ve just noticed this about my mum but I don’t know what to make of it.

[ExShield]

She’s in her 70s, I’m 50, and it’s taken me a lot of self help reading to notice her behaviour towards the other people in my life.

For example, I have several close friends but the two that she absolutely doesn’t like and hasn’t got a good word to say about, are the two that are my most supportive and accepting. They love me for me and I have never felt like I’ve ever been in any way lacking when I’m with them. And I love them dearly too. My mother rarely sees me with them but always says she thinks they are sly and not genuine.

My husband. Our marriage is on the rocks due to in part his drinking and money issues. We were very happy when we first got together and yet my mother slagged him off constantly, no matter what he said or did for me. It was never enough, he was lazy, slovenly, flashy, selfish. Fast forward and now that he really IS acting like an arse, he can literally do no wrong and our problems are apparently all my fault.

WTF is that all about? It’s 3am and I can’t sleep and I’m knocked over by this realisation. Can someone help me understand/articulate what’s going on? I can’t see the wood from the trees so please spell out to me what may appear obvious!

My mother wasn’t great at all - my sister used to ask her “do I look nice”
Her reply was “you look ok” - she couldn’t even say “you look lovely” - I never bothered to ask her how I looked!!
It’s very painful though isn’t it. We must remember it’s not us - it’s them.
There’s a book call Mothers and daughters I think. It’s meant to be good.

I think that once the shock has worn off of realising what's been going on all your life, and how your mother's behaviour will have shaped your view of yourself, this is ultimately a good thing. The realisation, I mean, not your mother's behaviour.

Now you know what's going on, you can do a bit of reading, maybe get some counselling, and find a path forward to feeling better about yourself, and making your life a better shape. At the very least, you know now not to believe any of her opinions, including the negative ones about you.

Do you have an inner voice that argues back? Using the example you gave, when she makes you feel like all the problems in your marriage are your fault, is there a little bit of you inside that says 'But I didn't do anything wrong! It's him with his drinking again, not me!'? If so, that's the voice that counselling will help you hear, take notice of, and respect. That voice is you; it's your confidence, your power, your authenticity.

It may well be quite difficult to work out why your mother does this, but really, that doesn't matter. You can only change your part in the dynamic, and that will take a bit of work. I would focus on that, frustrating though it is not to know why.

That's my Mum to a T. Took me many decades to see it and then I went very very low contact. Once I was away from her my confidence blossomed and my anxiety disappeared.
She'd lost her power over me and hates me for this.
The first thing she did when I walked away was call all my best friends (who she'd been awful about, but I hadn't told them) and asked them to tea etc as if they were her friends.....it was bizarre but deliberately done to hurt me.
They didn't go near her, they'd thought for decades that she was awful to me I discovered. My sister said mum couldn't understand why they didn't go and see her as 'they really liked her'. She had no understanding of their love and loyalty to me......she truly thought they'd prefer her!

A friend of mine said to my mother “Oh you must be really proud of Mrs S, she has done so well in her career.” My mother jammed her mouth shut, and after several minutes, said “She was a really horrible and difficult child, and she hasn’t changed much!”

I had a mum a bit like that too. Always critical, didn't like my friends, if I was close to any she would pick holes in them (or me for liking them).

SHe had chronically low self-esteem, which affected her ability to relate to others. She hated that I got on better with my Dad, she hated that I was "clever" and belittled it whenever she could - including the famous "why did you only get 95%, what happened to the other 5%?"

• and basically tried to ensure that I also had low self esteem. "Tall poppy syndrome" - if people seem to be getting "above themselves" then they cut you down.

So now you've realised it, you can choose to ignore her, you can choose to argue with her and tell her she's wrong, or you can choose to reduce contact and therefore reduce her ability to get to you.

You can also look at it as though she's an "emotional vampire" - all the little hurtful digs are designed to get you to "leak emotional energy", which she then feeds off. So you create an invisible barrier - some kind of mental suit, or shield, that her vicious little barbs can't penetrate. You'll feel much stronger and she'll feel baffled that she's not getting the same response from you.

She sounds like my mum. Reading that I felt like you were my big sister.

We are 4 sisters belonging to our mum ofcourse. She's very negative. My sister took a bottle of prosecco to a horse event and a picnic, with a friend. She's not a horse person but wanted a nice day out in the sun. So of they went. I was happily chatting to her at my mum's about it. I told her I was going to walk down with my kids but the ticket sale site would not load! My mum was very uncomfortable. She was mocking my sister saying oooo look at you drinking on the field. After my sistsr had gone home my mum started ranting. Saying she couldn't just have a drink of tea. She's always trying to be someone she isn't.

She's also picked at me for many things over the years. If I go shopping elsewear she's sarcastic .I'm a saddo for loving the body shop etc.

Then she picks on me saying I don't like socialising. I don't like people. I never understand her words as it's not the case. It's simply I turn down invites to family weddings and parties IF I don't particularly know them. My dad's side is massive but we never see any of them. So when a cousin gets married I don't bother half the time. It just seems odd when I've not even had a conversation with them for twenty years and wouldn't know where they live!

I could babble on all day about things she has said and done. I personally realised how she treated me 6 years ago. I was 25 and pregnant with my little girl. I noticed she wasn't like other mums. She wasn't supportive or helpful. I couldn't lean on her for emotional support.

I found my self pushing my pram along and thinking of many many things. I've taken note of my mum's life. I've listened to what she has said. This is the verdict.

She never wanted kids. She got married at 17 and had my sister aged 17. She was hoping to bleed because she didn't want her. She then got pregnant again 8 months later. At 18 she had my sister. Her marriage was crap. He drank a lot. They fell out alot. Then she met my dad 15 years after my first sister was born. She never wanted kids still but my dad did. So she had my sister (planned) followed by me a big fat whooops 14 months later.

She told me last year she never wanted kids. I think that's why she was abit useless. She looked after us 100% but emotionally she was useless. She's never been encouraging. She finds it very easy to take the piss. She has never hugged, kissed or had heart to heart chats with us. She never taught us what we were good at. Never inspired us to push ourselves. Never complimented us.

The result is it took me ages to do simple things. I don't feel shy at all! I like chatting to people. But I don't like big social gatherings. My biggest nightmare would be dating someone who needed you to dine out at work meals etc. I hate getting dressed up. But I like makeup and wearing nice tops. My mum's bashed the stuffing out of me when it comes to dresses. I like days out. But I don't like wild nights out. I'm abit of a home girl I suppose. If I had had more confidence without a doubt I would have worked in a hospital. I'm hoping when the kids are older I can do something.

My mum also has a lifelong health issue which is not life threatening at all but she can't ride bikes, run or walk miles etc anymore. I think this has made her even more negative.

Perhaps look at your mum's life. What was she like when you were growing up? I can Guarantee the issue lies with her!

Oh I recognize this. My mum is weird like this too. It's hard to explain, she seems to enjoy when people have a drama in their lives, when something is or could go wrong for them. Hides who she is, "isn't your mum lovely Squirrel" Er no not really. She's very fake and terribly two faced. It's exhausting.

She has a friend who is bloody nasty, yet she can do no wrong, even when shown evidence she'll always excuse her but I don't think she even genuinely likes this woman, I truly believe she does it to be contrary.

She especially loves to remind me and DSis of awkward, difficult,painful or embarrassing moments we have had albeit in childhood or adulthood. Excruciating ones even , where she'll say oh remember xyz and when we get cross she'll fake surprise and be all oh I didn't mean to upset you. Yet does it over and over.

A lovely friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years (due to location ) died and I was so upset, I told her and all she could say was " why are you so bothered , you hadn't seen her for ages" no emotion or empathy at all.

Dsis will never forget when DM told her she wasn't as pretty as her friend! Why would a mother do that?!! She also flirted terribly with our boyfriends when we were young and she hated all DBs girlfriends. She digs for "gossip " about other family members, even our DC, it's very odd.

She also likes to pretend she knows things we all don't, about each other. But we are all very close and talk to each other so always catch her out. I can think of so many examples I'd be here all day

It's sad really. I just wish she was a nice normal mother.

I too could have written this and it's only ad I got older that I realised my mum was jealous of friends and did everything she could to destroy friendships.

She actually had not got many friends of her own and those she does have, she moans and complains about constantly.

It's not you it's her. Just learn not to lean on her for emotional comfort.

Older people seem to get a lot nicer or a lost nastier.

Your mum sounds like my step mum, she’s catty, tactless and horribly entitled. Everyone talks too loudly for her, nothing is good enough for her and she has ridiculous dietary needs that change all the time. If you defend yourself she cries, but if you break down you’re “making a fuss.”

Your mum hasn’t changed in 70 years, she’s not going to change now, have as little contact with her as possible.

I know how you feel. My mother has been very negative for years. She is completely joyless and has made some downright nasty comments at key times in my life - when I told her I was pregnant she said "What dyou do that for?", When my dad died suddenly (who she was divorced from) she said "What goes around comes around", when I found out a partner was cheating she showed me no support merely said " What did you expect, I told you so", because she never liked him. She critises everyone and everything. My final straw came recently when I told her I was doing a new course which I'm really excited about and she replied," what a waste of money". I calmly ended the call there and then. I'm finally done with the negativity and criticism.

Now you've had the lightbulb moment, you'll be able to protect yourself. Lots of good insight on here. Read books. Get counseling if needed. Look after yourself and filter her future word/actions with the truth.

Two books for you OP:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Mothers Who Can't Love.

Don't be put off by the titles - i found them both reallt useful in understanding my mum.

Your mother sounds like my sister is with me. Anything I like she puts down. She can only feel better about herself by putting others down. Our grandmother was the same. Gran would rather die than say something nice about another person, In fact she couldn't even be neutral ! It is focused on you though sadly. You could win the lottery and she would put it down saying it's a pity it's not a rollover!

Reduce contact. They get more toxic as they get older not less.

I've been supporting my mum during lockdown - due to age and a health issue. So I arranged all her food shopping (as well as ours), done bits of housework, sorted out "computer" issues (couldnt have her off-line at this time), made sure she had enough entertainment (books, access to live shows, music offerings etc), arranged almost daily phone calls, worked from home, volunteered for community, supported my SEN child with schooling and looked after my own house and garden. So not surprisingly pretty stressed. I took food over last Thurs and was then very ill on Friday and Sat with a bad migraine.

Talking to her yesterday she said well you were rather hyper. As she had shown me a letter from my cousin saying how lovely it had been that my other sibling had been for a visit and had my mum seen spongedog during lockdown? We had similar last year after my dad died - lots of mention of how lovely the support of other sibling - who is golden child - and no mention of me at all.

I have been fairly low contact for a number of years. Not total but I was triggered after a counselling session when the counsellor said "so not many emotional hugs for you growing up". I sometimes wonder about the jealousy aspect - jealous of the opportunities that I could have that were denied to her.

But it is toxic and you have to work out the best way forward for you. My child has a positive relationship with his grandmother (he is not aware of some of the harmful comments). The relationship wont last for much longer so better option for us to have some contact.

Thankyou ExShield for posting this - as I'm in the same boat as a lot of your responses seem to be too. It's nice to know we're not alone. Maybe we could set up a 'Shit Mothers' support group? :-)

She sounds a bit like my mum. I think my mum has an inferiority complex which extends to me - not only is she inferior but as I'm her child I'm inferior to other people's children, anyone who respects me must be wrong and anyone who's against me obviously has a point.

I can't relate exactly OP and PP as my late mum was adoring and completely non-judgemental, but I have a DB who I struggled to maintain a relationship with for 30 years longer than I should have. When I had my lightbulb moment about him, I realised that actually I did have a choice: just because he's family doesn't mean I owe him anything. He did not mean me or the people I love well. So I went NC - told him exactly why in two texts - and my life has been so much better since then.

If NC is too extreme, try to dial right back on what you share with DM about every aspect of your life.

Good luck dealing with your marriage ending. It's more important than ever at this point to share/lean on only those people who are 100% on your side.

She sounds like my dad’s mother. After years of being put down by her and suffering what was basically tantamount to abuse the final straw was when he rang her to let her know my db had got into a top university. She was quiet for a minute and then said “oh, well such and such next doors dd has just got into uni too!” He put the phone down on her and hasn’t spoken to her since. It was the straw that broke the camels back for him. He also cut off his other family members when they took her side (she is a very manipulative person and they’re all terrified of her) only one other sister (who had received the same treatment) cut her off too. He hasn’t had anything to do with her for years and years and he won’t attend her funeral when she dies - he has taken away her power to hurt him and he just doesn’t care about her any more. I think misery likes company and she couldn’t stand anyone doing anything she hadn’t/having better relationships than her/doing better in life than her. She very much had an attitude of “don’t you be getting too big for your boots!” She liked to “pull people down a peg or two” which of course smacks of massive insecurity/negativity within her.

I know your dm may not be as extreme - only you can decide that - but cutting the negative people from your life can be extremely liberating. And if you don’t want to go as far as cutting her off you should at least pull her up on her behaviour. Why are you afraid to have it out with her? Have you been brought up to believe you respect your mother above all else? Because that’s bollocks - respect is earned and you owe her nothing.

It's more common than you'd think. I worked in a group with 5 female colleagues and we used to town with laughter about our mothers. Running joke was going for a job. You've passed the application and the online tests. You have smashed interviews one and two. All you've got to do now is get a reference from your mother......
It has made me pay close attention to the way I interact with my adult daughters now.

It's interesting as my mum was also not one for compliments. The only one I can recall is her begrudgingly saying she "quite liked"a pair of boots I bought... I have a lot of hang ups about myself; nose "I suppose at least it is regal" my boobs "yes, tiny dear but I think you should go for a nose job rather than a boob job" and colours I 'can' and 'can't' wear "Oh god, never ever wear orange again, hideous on you!" (on the doorstep before "hello").

FFW to her wake and her neighbour tells me all she ever did was wax lyrical about me to her and how she was so clearly very proud of me "and everything you've achieved" I was completely
It still doesn't massively help, as encouragement and support through life would have been better than finding out she thought I was alright once she was dead, but I guess it is something.

Lol I think we should rename this thread to, "but we took you to vaguely nice cottages", as a lot of us seem to have parents who are not as awful as the lot in the Stately Homes thread but who are nonetheless a bit damaged, a bit emotionally stunted.

My Dad was a bit like this - he had lots of buddies but no close relationships (and he was married with children). He had a horrible childhood and literally did not know what a loving family looked like - the sad thing was, he never picked it up in adulthood (which I'm guessing a lot of us here did to some degree).

Once I'd realized that, I dealt with it a bit differently (obviously I still would have preferred things to be different but that just wasn't going to happen).

I've not read the rest of the replies but my first immediate thought is jealously.

What's her life like? Particularly husband and friend-wise?

TwilightPeace your post really resonated with me! I’m struggling a lot with my mum at the moment (scales have finally fallen after recent abusive messages) and the ‘excitement’ you mention has always confused me. I thought it was because she loved me, yet she was so negative about positive things. She has wanted to control me and behave as if I can’t do anything myself. It has made me feel shit all my life! I am now having therapy. Was thinking about contacting her but you have strengthened my resolve! Thankyou!

I have found my people by the way - very similar experience which helps me realise it’s her, not me!

Other people were excited to read out their O-level results to their parents. My dad's sole comment was that they weren't all A's and my mum didn't even look up from what she was doing. All the joy and pride left me like it had been sucked out of airlock. I said nothing and left the room. Nobody said anything else to me.