In tatters !!

[D4RREN]

I have no idea where to start, I am a single, once amazing Dad, but for some years now after moving to a new town with my two son's (Twin's now age 13) my life and my mental health has been slowly slipping away from me. One of many decisions I have come to regret was moving from my home town but one of many I had made under pressure of doing what I felt or have been led to believe was best for my children. To cut a long story short. I have raised from the age of 5 my two sons's who have both had or have very challenging behavioral difficulties due to early years neglect. The first 4 years I was doing great despite all the challenges and stigma that came with raising twins with significant behaviour and mental health issue's and very little to no support what at all from my family. (the very reason I moved to a new town in the first place). The problems came when the kids started school, it was very clear they where unlike most children and many a person professional or not have had shared their views on what needs to be done and to this day have yet to provide any support which meets my children s needs. Chams, Social services, schools, early intervention, educational authorities, you name it I have been to every meeting, heard every opinion but still my children do not get the support they need. I have even been through CP proceedings accused of neglect myself which absolutely hammed me into the ground and since then I just haven't been able to pick myself up. Through part of this time I met my parnter who was a massive rock for me but now after a massive stroke I find myself caring for her too, and I am really struggling to cope. I am very withdrawn, my relationship with my partner and children are in tatters, and I am now struggling with drug addiction too !!! Please what the hell do I do to turn this shit around because I am completely lost and dont know where to start....

If you don't get off the floor and pick yourself up worst still will come along. Don't bury your head take it on. Don't give up.

Prioritise your sobriety first.

Absolutley agree with you Monty, I am making effort's to tackle my addiction, which for me is first on the priority list but what I need in term's of help I just can't seem to get, I do attened meetings but I feel I need more intence rehab, I cant do residential even though I feel that that is what I need, because I can't leave my family, even though I am struggling to manage my addiction, I still am the only one in the house, that does the shopping, does the school run's, cook's cleans ect as my parnter is ill and I have to take care of her too ! What I need is support, so I can have the time I need to help myself...Does anyone have any idea who I can goto for this anonymosly. I am scared to ask anyone for the fear of having the kids taken into care ?

This is going to sound harsh and I really don’t mean to hurt, but if you have an active addiction and you’re their soul caregiver, there is a strong possibility that what is best for THEM is to be somewhere else. That way you get to straighten out properly. Is there anyone in either side of the family who might foster temporarily?

Sorry op, that sounds really tough. At 13 your twins should be able to help you now, have you tried having an honest chat ie having to care for partner with stroke so can you both step up and do these jobs and help with cooking etc? Appeal to the best side of their nature. My 12yo was a pain in the ass till I got strict with her, now if she's cheeky I make her do 20 burpees, it works for us.

@ExShield

This is going to sound harsh and I really don’t mean to hurt, but if you have an active addiction and you’re their soul caregiver, there is a strong possibility that what is best for THEM is to be somewhere else. That way you get to straighten out properly. Is there anyone in either side of the family who might foster temporarily?

What is best for them, is to be with me. Let me be clear on this, I have my issues, and there are times when I have struggled to cope, but I have been through hell and back to save those boy's from vanashing into the care system after they where removed from there mother. I could write a book about the many injustices and failings those boy's have endoured from everyone, including the local authorities and the children's sosial service, schools, careworkers, and esspecially their birth mother who has not been seen nor heard of, for over seven years! They have all consistantly failed to support and meet those childrens needs. I have faught every man and his dog to get those children where they are now. I met them for the first time when they where 5. They didn't know who I was, other than that they were told that I was their Dad. They had spent far to long in a foster home from 3-5 years old because of a great many blunders...They where extreamly hard work, and I brought them up on my own bar the last 2 years since i have met my partner, and I am thankful now that when I was on the ball, I did a good job because they are good boy's and fairly independent at 13 years of age. The are able to do alot of things for them selves and while one of them is doing well at school, he does help with his brother who has more challenging needs...Believe me when I tell you, I never choose to be an addict and I fully except the gravity of the situation, but even when I'm slipping, I do what needs to be done....The problem is, I am exhausted. I need help to sort my shit out but it is just not available, I have no support network around me. I am desperate for help before I break completley !!!

what are you addicted to? You mention meetings so assume it’s either alcoholism or opiates ? (I know cocaine is cheap over your side so it could also be that but for some reason I don’t think it is that particular drug)

You need to take time to prioritise yourself & practice self care. This does not mean going into residential treatment. Are you seeing a psychiatrist ? You are likely masking deep depression here.

Going to meetings is a start but it sounds like you’re relying on meetings alone to fix you, which is naive.

Cold turkey and abstinence without adding in some kind of medication regime go support you through is like fighting a losing battle. You don’t mention being medicated for anything, so why not switch drugs & start seeing what antidepressants may help ?

I believe there is a fantastic ted talk still on YouTube from a lady who was a chronic alcoholic & had great success with using suboxone I believe it was (for opiate addiction) to treat her alcoholism.

Going to meetings & talking about issues is good, but it must be part of a holistic approach.

Your entire lifestyle needs an overhaul in order to successfully treat addiction.

@vikingwife

what are you addicted to? You mention meetings so assume it’s either alcoholism or opiates ? (I know cocaine is cheap over your side so it could also be that but for some reason I don’t think it is that particular drug)

You need to take time to prioritise yourself & practice self care. This does not mean going into residential treatment. Are you seeing a psychiatrist ? You are likely masking deep depression here.

Going to meetings is a start but it sounds like you’re relying on meetings alone to fix you, which is naive.

Cold turkey and abstinence without adding in some kind of medication regime go support you through is like fighting a losing battle. You don’t mention being medicated for anything, so why not switch drugs & start seeing what antidepressants may help ?

I believe there is a fantastic ted talk still on YouTube from a lady who was a chronic alcoholic & had great success with using suboxone I believe it was (for opiate addiction) to treat her alcoholism.

Going to meetings & talking about issues is good, but it must be part of a holistic approach.

Your entire lifestyle needs an overhaul in order to successfully treat addiction.

It's not heroin, but thank you. You are somewhere in the ball park, with masking depression. I dont have a physical dependency it's pshycological, you seem to know what you are talking about so I'm sure you have a pretty good idea what im using. at last someone with advise and not oppinions. Thank will look into this.

It must be really hard for you. Your children I’m sure have attachment needs which can be very very difficult in many ways. Use them as your motivation for getting clean - honestly you don’t want to lose them to the care system as you say but you risk that when you’re in active addiction as their only caregiver. It says nothing about how much you care for and love them, but for ALL your sakes you need to seek help for this. Nothing else can change while you are self medicating like this.
Your children need you.

You are very brave to admit this openly on here with the vipers, so I applaud you. I get that treatment is extremely difficult to get and coronavirus has made those options even more limited. Obviously your kids need you to be as functional as possible... without you, they have nothing. It is so hard to be the adult for everyone, I know. (I really do.) Do you have a fabulous GP that you can talk to openly (that you trust)? They might be able to help you get referrals to respite care for your partner (for some time out) and maybe even the kids, so you can get the intensive treatment you need. Then you could get back on board and be 100% available to your family who need you.

This sounds really hard and you’re using drugs to mask unhappiness and stress. I don’t know enough to be able to advise you but are there any charities you can turn to for help? I’m thinking MIND, gingerbread?

This sounds incredibly hard, it’s not surprising you’re feeling under pressure. You need help on 3 fronts, addiction, respite for your role as a carer for your partner and help with your twins.

Have you visited your GP? They can help with addiction services and getting you antidepressants and access to talking therapies. They should also help you access some respite care for your partner. Are you her sole carer? Does anyone come in daily to help with her needs? Ask about this, is she entitled to extra help? What can the GP suggest, can they put you in contact with extra help? Also what services are available locally for your twins needs??

If you don’t feel ready for the GP take steps to access help from charities, for addiction firstly but also help for carers. The stroke association might be best placed to help with your partner, they offer respite so you can have a break. Contact them via their website.

Look for charities that offer help for children with behavioural issues, I know there are lots for physical health related needs, hopefully there are some that can offer some practical support with behaviours and offer respite. I’ve always found charities do a much better job than local authority help which is hit and miss and difficult to access.

Take it one day at a time, one task at a time. I find giving myself 15mins to tackle one thing helps me not get overwhelmed. Maybe try this when looking to access help. Chose one charity online and see if they offer anything that would be useful. Take it slowly and don’t put more pressure on by feeling like you have to sort everything out today. It’ll take time to get support in place and start moving forward.

My mum ended up being a carer for my uncle despite her having 4 kids to look after and a full time job. We got help from age concern who sent carers, local authority also sent some eventually but they were a bit useless as they’d always be late and only stay 5mins. The ones sent by the charity were fantastic though, really took some of the burden off my mum.

Well I personally smoked marijuana by the bucket loads & unable to stop as couldn’t sleep without it. After crashing & seeking help learnt through psychiatrist was using it to mask bipolar disorder. Marijuana effects me differently to others in that you would never know how much I spoke & am not the lazy stoner cliche...am quite active! I am now on 150mg venlafaxine (Effexor) and 150mg quietapine (seroquel). Quietapine has saved my life, I can now sleep without the need for weed.

I still smoke weed but the difference is no longer need it, can travel now without stressing how I will obtain marijuana. If money is tight can just not buy that bag & save my coin for that month.

It’s so much more manageable now am on a medication regime that works for me & helps take the edge off the addiction.

It now feels like smoking weed is more of a lifestyle thing, not a full blown psychological addiction. I even put down the bong & now happy to puff a joint - similar to someone enjoying a glass of wine, not needing to guzzle a bottle or 2 a night.

All the best, am not a parent & you are most brave to post this here.

OP is your GP good? You need to reach out. You're not in an easy place. Is there any family on your partner's side to ease some of the pressure?
You do need help or things won't get better.
You can't be superperson. None of us can.
You need to prioritise as well.

I just wanted to send you a handhold. I can't offer you any real advice. You've done so well for your boys, you've been amazing. Try to be kind to yourself. You are going through a difficult time and you have had to be so strong. Well done for posting so honestly on here, i hope that you find the support and advice that you need.

Thank you all for your comment's. Since posting I am feeling alot more posative about the future. I have disclosed my situation to some of my partners closest friends who have offered to support me with my partners illness and the children and so far they have been great. I have seen my GP and am on a coarse of anti depressents and have also been refered to councilling. I have spent a whole week with help getting my affairs in order and just being organised is already making me feel alot better. My partners friends have been great I can't thank them enough. I have managed the last three days clean, My partner is with a friend for a few weeks to aid her recovery and I have people visiting me everyday to support me with the day to day stuff, giving me time to breath and get my head together....I am determined to turn this arround and get back to being the person I was just a couple of years ago....The truth really will set you free I guess, im so glad I opened up about it, I have realised there are people out there who want to help and not judge..Thanks again for your comment's although most of it I already knew, just needed to hear it I guess...I know I am far from out of the woods, but realising im not alone, has been a massive thing for me, but its a start...will keep you all posted !

Yay well done OP you're doing great, keep going. xxxx

Fantastic update OP, u got this, sending strength and support your way

That's great news OP, I'm so pleased you and the boys have some extra support while you work on staying clean. Keep going, it will be so worth it - speaking from experience

I seldom, visit this site, but after a desperate cry for help some time ago, and what was for me at the time, an oportune moment to find anyone who cared to listen, Actually gave me some clarity, some confirmation the lick of harsh reality I needed to do something about my situation.

I had forgoten I even posted this but I was drawn here again after an email notification, grabbed my attention. While I am here, just wanted to say thanks to anyone who cared to listen, with out judgement, and to those who just said it how it was and what I needed to hear.

I am still clean, feeling much my motivated old self, and have even started my own bussiness, which is begining to do well. My lad's are my best friends again and thing's are almost back to normal, (except for the teenager bit) but I can live with that.

Listening to the voice of a stranger, is more powerfull somtimes than hearing the oppinions of those who claim to be the closest to you....

I took a risk posting on here. But i'm glad I did. I split up with my then partner, but as it happens was a blessing because it's just myself and my lad's now as it was before thing's rolled down hill, and how I shall keep it for a while until they are old enough to do their own thing.

Just thought I would update you. Might not be as entertaing as reading about i wife hiding 10k from her fella, but hey....

Happy ending, just wanted to share it with you all :)

I’m so glad you’ve made positive changes in your life. Be proud of yourself.

That’s amazing! So glad you’ve managed to stay clean for all this time and are reaping the rewards of that with your boys. They’re lucky to have you.

This place has been a huge support for many of us, sometimes the harsh truths are exactly what we need to hear.

Keep on keeping on and all that

Well done, keep up the great work and taking it all one day at a time. Such a positive update, you should be so proud of yourself.

I didn’t see the thread when you originally posted and I’m not sure I could have offered any useful support either way, but it’s lovely to read it through from the start and see how things have changed for you!

@D4RREN

What is the obvious and not obvious reasons behind you want to turn to self medicting then?(addications)

I think finding,out about having good counselling therapy to explore your feelings on why you turn to addiction to mask your inner turmoil /your emotional baggages
Once you do this you will insight clarity why you are constantly stuck in this right circus merry go around ride that you have had enough but can not find the way out just yet.

Once you gain insight then you will gain much needed needed Cofindence to start making positive changes in this safe supportive envoriment !

Also CBT cognitive behavioural Therapy will also support you to implement (find ways to put in,make the most effective changes to create this effect in a more coheshive manner,

This is all free on the NHS too

Also Hypnotherapy is effective good for helping to kick give up addiction by being effective on a deeper state of mind such as semi conscious dream state.

You might have to pay for this but worth while .
Its also good for social anxiety issues too

Best of Luck