I'm not cheating

[Moreoftober]

My marriage broke up over trust issues, all about me. I went so out of my way to prove it. But she had cheated and I gave her full trust.

Broke up with my gf tonight. When I met I told her all the trust stuff and initially she believed it but then started getting more and more paranoid. 3 days ago she made me show her every messaging app on my phone. I didn't want to, I always said I wouldn't. But I thought it would end it and I did it. I have absolutely nothing to hide.

She apologised , said all the right things and understood I would never do that again.

I left for the shops and came back for my card and she was on my laptop going through my emails.

I'm not cheating. I can't make anyone believe it

Why does she think you are?
This isn't a sustainable relationship unless there is a massive drip feed.

I've two theories, one is that she got cheated on in the past. She always talks about what was done to her like it's a warning.

And secondly, and shows how pathetic I am. At the start she talked loads about her ex who had really hurt her. And it was really bad. I didn't mind, but she had told me she hadn't heard from him in 6 months. It was a lie and they were still in constant touch. My ex also cheated 3 times that I knew off. I think it's projection.

I try so hard. I leave my phone open, try and tell everything. Scared to leave a detail out. I was late lifting her for work and she made me show my phone and even when there was nothing said that my reaction was pure guilt. Feels like I'm going mad.

Not surprised you broke up. She's not being trustworthy so maybe assumes you weren't either. Take a break from dating. There are good people out there.

It's either I'm cheating and totally fucking brilliant at hiding it and being fully present at all times. Or I'm not cheating.

My wife and I broke up nearly 8 months ago for the exact reason my gf and I broke up tonight.

You can't make someone trust you, they either do or they don't. If you've never given her cause to think you might cheat then it's clearly her problem not yours and you are right to have called it off with her now rather than wasting any more time trying to convince her.

If anything, from what you have said it might be a case of her feeling guilty and transferring that guilt onto you for something that she's done. It is very common for a cheat to claim their innocent partner is cheating to distract attention.

I know it was right. But she's sent me a massive email saying all the right things and it's totally fucked me up and I don't know. I know it's just words.

So both your ex wife and now your girlfriend think you were cheating? Your either choosing the wrong person or you have a face that begs for arrest

The stupid thing is my partner's are the only girls to have ever looked in my direction. The work I'd have to put in to even get someone sounds exhausting.

I've posted here before about my wife but I changed my name. It was the same issue. When I met my gf (ex) now I suppose, she said she understood and we told each other everything, even the worst. I'd literally no stories, other than in my head fancying someone.

I'm no angel but I swear in loyal. And drunk. Loyal and drunk

And to clarify, the ex wife and ex gf are the only two girls I've had in my life since i was 18. I'm 37. I've have nothing else on my record.

I'm sorry my dear. I can hear how much you're hurting.

My exh and I split for similar reasons, he didnt trust me. It was really horrible and my heart goes out to you.

Was your mum or dad a particularly jealous, suspicious, or possessive person? Or even just v v difficult to please, be it over a partner or over you as a child? If so that might be leading you to unconsciously pick partners who dont trust you and make you constantly prove yourself.

On the other side of the coin, two isn't a trend - it can just be bad luck.

When you aren't drunk anymore, you'll get good advice here, provided you can keep the man haters away. I will certainly hold your hand tonight. You arent alone, you will be ok. Xx

Thank you so much. I swear I'm totally broken. And there's no one to talk too.

My mum and dad were amazing. The perfect parents. So loving. My dad was all about family. Family came first and all I want is that.

Try not to read too much into what's happened ok?

Just focus on getting through these horrible feelings. Take care of yourself, treat yourself as if you were a little child whose heart has been broken. Warm bath, favourite foods, soft clothes and blankets, funny movies.

You absolutely are going to be ok. You really are. These feelings won't kill you, just let them happen. Give it some time.

It's just she is emailing now saying all the things she knows I want to hear. But she will also go down the route that she's said it once and that's it, it back on me to decide whether we are back. It's like now she has acknowledged it then I'm a prick for not getting back . Hard to explain

I know this game my love.

Can I make a suggestion, just stop engaging. Can you manage to do that? Your head isnt going to get straight until you stop reading her emails.

She will paint you as the prick, she just will and that's actually ok. I've been there, it feels horrible when they play that game but that's all it is, a game. You dont have to play. You can just say "yeah guess you're right, I'm a prick" and shrug your shoulders.

She's just some woman. Honestly. What she thinks is not important. She can think whatever she wants. You can still choose not to stay in this game with her.

Sweetheart, it really isnt mean to feel this horrible. She isnt for you. There are billions of women on this planet, she isnt special, she's just worked her way into your head at present.

Can you block the emails, delete them or whatever? And just not read them x

Firstly, don’t go back to her. This is toxic behaviour. Would saying the right things make it ok if she ran you over with her car? She’s basically done the emotional equivalent. Don’t go back to her. Also don’t be so down on yourself. You’ve been single for less than eight months in you adult life. I really doubt you will find it that difficult to find another girlfriend. Just be careful this time. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. It is not your fault that these women have treated you this way. There is no reason why it should happen to you again. You have just been unlucky.

Do you even want or love her?

You said The stupid thing is my partner's are the only girls to have ever looked in my direction. The work I'd have to put in to even get someone sounds exhausting.

Were you just with her because you felt like you wouldn't get anyone else or it would be too much effort to even try?

That kind of attitude will never lead to a happy and healthy relationship ever!

My ex had severe anger issues. And.the new gf was just so different. So kind and just seemed like she didnt hate me. I really liked her. She'd had a hard time herself and I thought we could sorta help each other, like have each others back for the first time ever. And to the user just above, I really thought I loved her and this was it finally. My marriage was a nightmare but I stuck through some horrible shit and kinda felt this was the good times to balance out the bad. But then it started changing.

I don't think any names are mentions and she isn't on this so hopefully I'm doing nothing wrong posting this. This is the email she sent

i understand that i have to see whats in front of me and accept you instead of mistrusting you. i cant take away what ive done that to you so far i wish i could. i will think on that....i wont make excuses there are no excuses. i have to addressthat reality myself.

time apart is needed. i want to give you back exactly what you give to me and cut out the mistrust. im incredibly sorry that i have doubted or ever disbelieved you. whether you believe me or not i will be addressing that part of me

ill do what you say and think this through. i have a lot to answer for but please know that i do want everything with you & no one else. my whole life i want with you.

ihope that you are ok. i need you

i do love you so much.

im good to stay here for as long as i need

dont know what else to say. i feel really awful about it all please dont think this is another “i did nothing wrong” moment for me. it really isnt.

im gutted.

Ok, I understand that you're gutted. I know its hurts. But, no matter what shes says, this will never be a healthy relationship..ever. Please, block her emails. You've never had time for yourself. You need to take that time and learn to love yourself. You'll be fine, on your own. Build yourself up before finding someone else. You've been through some traumatic experiences and you need to recover. Going no contact with your girlfriend is the only way. It will hurt. It will..and that's ok. Because you're grieving. But grieving is a process and the only way to get better...
You've got this..be brave x

Ugh, that's a creepy letter.

Block. Nobody needs that in their life.

There are decent people out there - you need to (difficult I know at the moment) get out there, make friends and not concentrate upon relationships right now.

Although the Freedom Programme is written in terms of the abusive male, the actual content can also be applied to relationships with anybody. You'd benefit from awareness of those dynamics.

Good luck. You will be fine.

accept you instead of mistrusting you

This rings alarm bells; almost as though she is saying that she 'knows' you are cheating but she's just going to put up with it?

You are better off out of it. Honestly. You don't need to live with someone whom you know suspects you of cheating, even in a low-level capacity. Block her. Get out of the house and get some fresh air and sunshine. Do something you love. Eat some good food. Distract yourself, however you do it.

It hurts like hell, but the hurt will fade. There are other, better, women out there, you just haven't met them yet.

Accusing someone of cheating and acting in the way she and your ex-wife both did is very controlling behaviour.

I think this is probably just one of many subtle ways your girlfriend controlled you - and ditto with the way your wife used anger to control you.

Have a read of Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim website - especially the stuff around boundaries. I think you are missing some of the early signs of controlling behaviour (or even very overt signs) because you are so keen to have love.

Thanks everyone..im lucky enough that we have a wee gym here, gonna hit that for an hour and try and get it all out of my head for a bit. Can I just say I really appreciate anyone who took the time to not only read that self pitying shite but also reply and not call me an idiot

My marriage broke up over trust issues, all about me. I went so out of my way to prove it. But she had cheated and I gave her full trust.
It's pretty typical for people who are cheating to accuse their partners of cheating. That is, if your exw was cheating on you, she might well have accused you of cheating to distract from her cheating. Or to stop it from looking like she was the baddie.

In any case, you can't make other people think things. They have their opinions and beliefs and sometimes you can't change that. Get yourself a busy, enjoyable life that they are not part of, and over time you will worry about what they think less and less.