Some help and perspective please....

[sandyk88]

Hi all,

Not usually a poster but a reader. I need some perspective.

So I'm 32. Got married young just before my 23rd birthday so 9 years. Something changed just before we got married in that my husband to be had some uhh sexual issues... I thought overtime they would go and continued with the wedding. However fast forward over the years... they are still there. I'm ashamed to say I could count on one hand how many times we've had sex since we got married. The last time was probably about 7 years ago. He's a good man and I love him but he has refused to take any responsibility for whatever is causing him the issue. He's refused therapy, sex therapy, going to the doctors etc. Im not sure if it's a medical issue. I have been faithful to him all these years and have never strayed.

Last year we started some fertility treatment because we really wanted a baby. However me taking the medications etc- I feel invoked something in me. His response was... just take the meds and do IVF and we'll have a baby. I feel no consideration at what this actually means and he's not done anything to help the situation.

Don't get me wrong- hes a good person overall and takes care of me etc. Although a year after we got married he was talking to another girl online and I found out. My 24 yr old self was so in love I forgave him.

Anyway after the above fertility treatment which so far has not been successful- I feel I have changed. I feel I want out.. I don't want this life. No one deserves to be so young and never have sex again. During these months of turmoil.... I met an old friend whom I have become close to and can imagine a much happier life...I feel really ashamed because that's not me but I stuck by my husband who refused to sort any issues for so many years that now I am 32 I just want a normal life.

He now wants to try so hard because he knows I'm very near walking away... but I just don't want to try.

Can you offer some perspective? I just want to feel loved, and attractive and im not sure.. wanted?

Thanks all

It sounds as though the relationship has run its course and you should leave.

Your husband has had years to change, and he hasnt bothered, so you're right to think about leaving.

However, lining the next one up to jump to is not a good idea. Some time alone would do you good, but it doesnt seem thats on the cards.

Sounds like he expected having a baby to make you forget about sex...
You deserve more op.

Thank you all...

He's still wanting a baby through IVF but I have put my foot down in that a baby is not going to resolve this situation. I am very strong in this regard and thus will not got down this route.

The other friend... has feelings but hes said the same in that I need time to myself and the last thing I need is to jump into something else straight away. I respect this.

I keep feeling if it was the other way round and I had the sex issue. Would he have waited and continued with me being faithful for 9 years? Who knows..

What are the sexual issues? Erectile disfunction or something more niche?

If you wanted to check if it was a physical or a psychological issue with sex you could always check under the covers early morning for a week or so and see if anything is emerging
Having read mumsnet for a few years i think there is normally a pile-in on men who dont want sex. Normally all sorts if blamed (porn addiction, other women) but that isnt ALWAYS the case. Some men just arent that fussed for actual sex. Sorting themselves is easier and its laziness.

No matter what the issues are, he has not tried to address them or compromise with you on them, and its meant youve had to undergo horrible medical intervention.
Its just not on, you absolutely deserve more. He is too late now, if he wants you to stay, the damage is done.

Do you own a home together? Is it going to be easy to split?

Erectile dysfunction- It's difficult for him I understand totally. I have tried to help in as much as I can. Put forward therapy, sex therapy, medications i.e. viagra, support from G.P as solutions etc. But he's refused. His response to the fertility stuff was just do IVF and we'll have a baby. This makes me sad because the IVF process is so difficult and I feel he hasn't given it everything before we get to that stage.

I don't know if I have contributed towards it... I earn a lot more than him so unsure if this has killed is confidence. But our money goes into a joint account and we spend and save together. It has never been a case of 'my money, your money' situation. I have never made him feel like this- if that makes sense? I can't help the more earning situation- I've worked hard to be where I am. Even gave him options of if he wants to study more, I'll work and support us whilst he does what he needs to in that regard but he doesn't want to do anything.

I don't want to make him sound like a monster because he's not. He's kind and caring but the sex issue now being a little older is causing me issues because I'm not sure if I should be (or want to be) living my life like that.

This other friend situation has only been for like 5 months- nothings happened. Haven't even met him but I feel ashamed because I'm doing something wrong. I guess I am but I'm stuck within this cycle and just want some.... love?

I'm sorry, he's not a "good person." He's selfish and has zero regard for your happiness. How you have put up with this for so long is beyond me. Pack your bags and start your life over. Your marriage is an absolute sham.

Thank you all so much for your time and you reading my rubbish....!

One of the things that hurts the most is... he's the only person I've been with....sexually...

I feel like I've tried as much as I can. More recently more arguments between us and he says things like I'll end up alone and by myself when I'm old if I leave him and no one will take care of me like he does. It all gets super confusing!

OP, it's only going to get worse, not better. If he isn't commigtted to resolving what is clearly a major issue for you while you are young, he'll only find more excuses as you get older.

You can love someone but still not be in the right relationship. 32 is horribly young to be in a sexless marriage.

Or you could end up old with a fulfiling relationship and children and grand-children.

Don't let him make you feel bad, you didn't sign up for a sexless marriage.

More recently more arguments between us and he says things like I'll end up alone and by myself when I'm old if I leave him and no one will take care of me like he does.

What a manipulative, cruel fucking bastard. He says this utter rubbish because HE likes things the way they are, and HE is the one afraid of being alone. No woman would want him, and he knows it. Raise your standards and get out.

Oh OP you are way too young to live out the rest of your life without sex.
It's beyond me how you have stayed for this long.

he says things like I'll end up alone and by myself when I'm old if I leave him

This is a very abusive thing to say and completely untrue.

I've been with a lot of men who have ED and it's very unattractive. His not bothering to do anything about it is infuriating.

You don't deserve any of this OP- you can have a happy life rid of this frustrating, unattractive, abusive man.

My exh told me I was too fat and ugly to get another man. Size 8 and 8 stone. And decent looking I believed!!
He also told me I would never pass my driving test. His words haunted me and it took 8 attempts due to his fierce words ringing. But I did it. Also went on to meet an amazing man who I married!!
Stay strong op.

Thank you all. Your views and words have been really helpful xx

Was the IVF purely as a result of his erectile issues? If so he is incredibly selfish to expect you to "just" go through such a gruelling procedure.

I would have had some sympathy in the early days but he has refused to do anything at all about his issues for NINE years, and you just have to live without sex. That's not a marriage, that's two people sharing a house!

He's clearly worried now, hence all the cruel "you'll grow old on your own" comments. (I doubt it by the way 32 is young - you'll have no trouble!) He suits him to share the chores and the bills with you, dare I say, the higher salary you earn benefits him.

I do believe in not giving up too easily on marriage but honestly in this case I would end it. The thing about trying is that both partners have to try. He hasn't been bothered for nine years, and only seems to be panicking now because his cushy life might change. EVEN NOW he isn't offering to try and sort out his ED - just try IVF again.

Has this issue been swept under the carpet? I have to say, I would have told him long ago that companionship isn't enough and I want a good hard shag on a regular basis and the fact that there isn't even any prospect of one is a deal breaker. If he was willing to try, even if this didn't succeed I might be able to live with it, but him not bothering at all - nope.

He's not that great though, is he?
He's not that super kind caring man.
I'm pregnant with an IVF baby at the minute. 30 weeks. After 5 IVF attempts and it was so, so hard. It was a problem on my husbands side and we tried everything over the years. Eventually Surgical Sperm Retrieval worked for us. I'm just telling you this though as he is a fabulous man, he would have done anything and hated that we had to go through IVF.
He hated what it did to me, the hormones, the mood swings, the injections, the retrievals, the dissapointments.
Your Husband just wants you to carry on.
I couldnt do it. Your young and deserve so much more. How selfish is he?

Yeah IVF was needed because of the erectile dysfunction issue. I've actually had some treatment already from the meds which was awful and I felt- why am I doing this when I might not actually need to.

I think you're right HoneyLuLu it has been swept under the carpet- thats partly my fault too- I shouldnt have let it go so long and now I feel I have literally wasted 10 years of my life.

he says things like I'll end up alone and by myself when I'm old if I leave him

Manipulative. Cruel. Nasty. Completely untrue. I would've been very tempted to say, "No I won't - I've got my eye on someone already."

How was he expecting to produce a sperm sample for IVF? Is he just suffering from porn-related death-grip?

Well it's incorrect to say you won't find anyone else - you know you already can, don't you?

He's not prepared to do anything to sort out his issues - he just wants you to take on a world of pain to sort them out for him.

You're the higher earner as well. I can see why he's trying to beat you down so you don't feel you have the option to walk away.

Given all the above, I'd be packing my little 'kerchief, grabbing my little dog, and skipping lightheartedly down the road. Without him.

OP, you won't end up alone of you leave him. You're 32?! You've already got at least one other person interested in you.

No, see it for what it seems to be - an increasingly unfulfilling relationship.

I cant judge a stranger, but I find some only want part of a relationship and will try to encourage to find other ways to fill the gaps. You know what the marriage is like and you have to judge based on that, not on future potential if this or that changes, or promises.

I had my first child at 32, second 34 and third at 40. Still plenty of time for you to have the life you want. But don't rush to the first person who shows you attention in the area you've been missing out on. You could be swapping one issue for another. Take your time. But at the same time, don't waste it on continuing on a broken path.

Jesus ! I’d leave that sounds horrendous what even the point ? You will meet someone else and have a much more fulfilling life and actually get to have sex . I don’t know how you have stayed so long

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Do not waste any more of your life on this man.

His sexual issues were there prior to marriage and he has done nothing since to address those in any way. There are a lot of red flags here about him.

I would leave too, it all sounds utterly horrendous not least of all the part also where he was talking to another girl online a year into your marriage. This was really and truly over years ago.

and now I feel I have literally wasted 10 years of my life
Then don't waste another minute OP.
This is awful.
You do not have to live this life.
I suspect you aren't in love with him either.
No doubt you have feelings for him for it's not love.
Get out there.
You are so young.
You wasted your 20's on this guy, don't waste your 30's and fertile years.
Time for you get out there and realise that great sex is fucking amazing!!!
Live your life.
Please don't waste it!!!

This man sounds very manipulative and incredibly self-serving and selfish.

To expect you to go through with (potentially repeated) IVF treatment because he refuses to address his erectile dysfunction is unforgivable. I assume you also have to pay for the IVF if he isn’t willing to try treatment for his ED? If so, that’s even more shocking and unacceptable.

It sounds to me like this man has conditioned you over many years, since your early 20’s to accept this situation as normal.

You mentioned in your first post that you forgave him due to talking to another woman online.. Can you expand on that? Do you think it’s possible he has been doing this throughout your relationship? How did you meet?

I am being very cynical here, but you mentioned you earn a lot more than him, do you think it’s possible he’s with you due to the comfortable life you have and can provide for him? Sorry if that’s harsh.

Good on you for planning your escape.