Some help and perspective please....

[sandyk88]

Hi all,

Not usually a poster but a reader. I need some perspective.

So I'm 32. Got married young just before my 23rd birthday so 9 years. Something changed just before we got married in that my husband to be had some uhh sexual issues... I thought overtime they would go and continued with the wedding. However fast forward over the years... they are still there. I'm ashamed to say I could count on one hand how many times we've had sex since we got married. The last time was probably about 7 years ago. He's a good man and I love him but he has refused to take any responsibility for whatever is causing him the issue. He's refused therapy, sex therapy, going to the doctors etc. Im not sure if it's a medical issue. I have been faithful to him all these years and have never strayed.

Last year we started some fertility treatment because we really wanted a baby. However me taking the medications etc- I feel invoked something in me. His response was... just take the meds and do IVF and we'll have a baby. I feel no consideration at what this actually means and he's not done anything to help the situation.

Don't get me wrong- hes a good person overall and takes care of me etc. Although a year after we got married he was talking to another girl online and I found out. My 24 yr old self was so in love I forgave him.

Anyway after the above fertility treatment which so far has not been successful- I feel I have changed. I feel I want out.. I don't want this life. No one deserves to be so young and never have sex again. During these months of turmoil.... I met an old friend whom I have become close to and can imagine a much happier life...I feel really ashamed because that's not me but I stuck by my husband who refused to sort any issues for so many years that now I am 32 I just want a normal life.

He now wants to try so hard because he knows I'm very near walking away... but I just don't want to try.

Can you offer some perspective? I just want to feel loved, and attractive and im not sure.. wanted?

Thanks all

If it's not too personal OP, how was he going to provide his contribution to the IVF? Was he going to do it manually into a beaker, or were the clinic going to extract the sperm somehow. Because if it's the former, then he can obviously get it up for a hand job then?

I think if you're 32 and have only had sex a handful of times with this man then you're going to have your eyes opened if you leave. At your age you should be having an exciting and fulfilling love life, not living this miserable existence. Go now, while you're still young enough to start again and have a family with someone who is prepared to make an effort. I'm astounded that it has been 7 years since you last had sex and he's done nothing to try and help his situation.

@sandyk88
This man is selfish, lazy, thoughtless and manipulative at the very least. If you stay you could have another 50 years of this - are you prepared to accept that?

If not (and I'm assuming not), do, please, make discreet plans to separate from him and to secure your finances before you make the jump. Try and find somewhere else for you to live whilst you sort out the house and disentangling your lives.

Take independent legal action to discuss the process of legal separation and divorce. Do not tell him of your plans until all your preparations are made and you have somewhere else to go whilst the house negotiations/sale are going through.

Do ensure, whilst you are making these plans, that you also change all passwords and pin-codes to all your accounts (bank accounts, email, social media) so you have time to make your preparations in private before you tell him you are done. Open a completely separate bank account, to which only you have access, into which your salary is paid. You can then transfer funds from that account into the joint account to pay the bills.

Be prepared for him to be angry and behave even more negatively when you tell him you want to divorce. Judging from what he has already said to you (below)

he says things like I'll end up alone and by myself when I'm old if I leave him and no one will take care of me like he does.

He really doesn't care for you. Good luck OP .

Please OP, don't stay and waste any more of your time on this man.

I left my first husband aged 32, had a great couple of years single to really find myself, and then met DH at 35. We had DD at 38 (one is plenty)

My life is without a shadow of a doubt, exactly what I dreamed of. Life with my exH made me sit and cry every week.

Don't waste any more time on this man. You deserve better.

You're only 32 yes old and your having to go through IVF (which I haven't had but have heard first hand is horrible, can be painful etc.) because your partner won't do anything about his erectile dysfunction .. won't even try to do anything about it??!!!

Fuck no.

And that's not even getting on to him expecting you to just accept no sex life at 32, and having put up with five or less "episodes" of sex intercourse since you got married (and in your twenties at that)!!

As someone said how is he producing the semen for the IVF? Can he maintain an erection for masturbation but not sexual intercourse? That bears some looking into.

He seems to think you're some kind of lesser being in this relationship who just accepts whatever he throws at you .. whether it's no sex life or having to have gruelling fertility treatment to have a family.

He sounds very selfish, very stubborn, very lacking in consideration for you etc.

You deserve more from life. You given it your best for 9 years - that's more than enough.

he says things like I'll end up alone and by myself when I'm old if I leave him and no one will take care of me like he does.

Wow, he is such a bastard and do manipulative (abusive actually)

There are millions of men in this world; you don't even have kids in school like many women out there so you could relocate to anywhere you liked if you didnt meet someone in your current area (which is unlikely given time). You are extremely likely to meet someone else and do you know what; they're extremely likely to be able to fuck you, unlike him!

Are you paying privately for IVF? Or through NHS?

I wouldn't be handing over my hard earned cash to put myself through IVF if that money could have been better spent on addressing the actual your husband has, but refuses to acknowledge.

And if it's via NHS, how far did they go I'm trying to get him to address his own issues?

I suppose it's not relevant. I would be leaving him, yesterday. Saying what he has to you, he's not a good man. He just had you believing that he is. There are far better men out there.

Sorry to be so blunt op but he's relying on your self-esteem/confidence being low enough to ensure you stay in this unfair, unfeasible, unacceptable situation .. and the comments he made above are intended to make sure it stays that way.

He's also reading on your investment, familiarity etc in the relationship and dear of the unknown of course.

*relying
*fear

Perhaps if everything else was good you'd not consider the ED a problem. You're still young and have a whole life ahead.

What he should have done (for the sake of having a healthy, satisfactory sex life let alone for trying to conceive; was investigate and try to resolve his erectile dysfunction, to try everything to do so.

If it couldn't be resolved at all, it would've been fair to then give you the option of continuing a relationship without regular (penetrative) sex and with having to go through IVF to try to conceive (multiple times).

He hasn't done anything.

And you haven't been offered a choice, to the contrary you've been conditioned, manipulated, and pressured to accept things as they are.

His horrible (and bullshit) comments intended to work on your fear of the unknown, of leaving the relationship etc. are very telling. They do not reflect well on him at all.
In fact they make me (and I suspect many posters here) think that, even if he were miraculously willing to try to solve his erectile dysfunction, you should still leave and find another partner because of his character.

Wow all thank you so much for your comments and thoughts- really. For so long I have felt ashamed that I cannot get my husband … there to have sex or more recently that I have sought comfort elsewhere (emotionally via phone nothing physical of course).

I do love him- I fell in love with him when I was 20- he’s the only man I’ve been with and yes I want him to be okay but honestly.. I’m not in love with him anymore… well not for a long time.

Soem of you asked re finances. I earn significantly more than him. I can sustain this house alone but he couldn’t if that makes sense. I think you’re right in that he has gotten used to this comfort life and he wants it to remain.

Fertility stuff hurt me in that I feel he has no regard about that process and how much it’s going to hurt me. Yes he does the day to day of caring but really? I don’t think he cares. And yes it’s privately funded in that I’ll pay for it.

I just want a normal life, I’m committed, wouldn’t cheat and would try my best always. I just don’t think I have anymore try in me.

Recently things have changed with us in that I feel he knows I’m ready to walk. Now he’s saying he wants to try… and It’s my fault because I am not fully committing to trying. My hearts just not in it anymore.

I really appreciate all you have said because along the lines I have felt a failure but your comments have made me feel like perhaps it wasn’t me… and was him all alone.

Love to you all xx