Unhappy in relationship with my Fiance

[UnhappyGuy]

Hello, I just joined to this forum, to ask for some advice.

I'm 28 y/o guy, I been with my girlfriend for 10 years, she is my first and only. But we are fighting so much, that I need to do something...
It started long time ago, probably after 1 year in relationship or even earlier. There was some big fights, some small, when it used to get very serious, I would say we are done, etc, but she would cling to me and refuse to split up, etc. Later things got a little better, but we would still fight often. 5 years ago, we came to UK. About 3 years ago I proposed to her in hopes our relationship would get better and healthier, because she used to say I don't love her, I don't want to be with her, etc, so I wanted to prove I do. But when I kneel down to ask her hand, she said "what is this", definitely not the reaction I hope for. She doesn't even wear the ring, ever, her excuse is that, she doesn't want to scratch it, etc. Since then we just kept fighting. She would return the ring with box often to me, I would get angry and just through it into the corner. She doesn't wear any jewelry I gifted her. Even few days ago I said I'd like to gift this bracelet to you, will you wear it. She was like "yea I like it, but you don't have to", so I bought it, she still doesn't wear it. Since we came to UK we were saving like crazy with hopes to save up and go back or buy a house here. We bought house about 2 years ago, then later 1 year ago we got a dog.
She is very negative and self-cautious person. She complains about our life, that it's bad, everything is bad, god help if something breaks or gets a scratch, she would start crying even. She says she is not pretty (she don't do make up, etc), but doesn't do anything to change that. I don't agree and I think is fine as she is and I try compliment her often, but sometimes I just tell her if she is not happy she should do something, put some make up or dye her hair, something, to give some change in her life, but she doesn't listen and do nothing. She works night shifts, sometimes 6 days a week. Our sex life is ridiculous. Since we don't sleep together it's hard to find a moment, when I try to approach, kiss her, etc and drag into bed, she doesn't want to, says she has work to do or is tired. But when we talk about it, she says I should approach her and when I want it. I try to please her in many ways, but she doesn't seem to be concerned about that, even though I directly told her I'm not happy. During the day all she does, make dinner, wash clothes and clean house (she is complete maniac about that), whole day she is at home she cleans and cleans something. I try offer my help, but she says she doesn't need it, but later complains that I don't help, I say, but I offer you my help and she replies, "you shouldn't ask, you should do it without me telling you to", I tell her I'm a guy and not always know what needs to be done around the house, just ask me and I'll help, but she never does...
I'm not perfect either, but I try help as much as I can, I try do manly things, have build her a green house (which we fought about after), fix things around the house, doing some renovation in the bedroom, etc.
I'm not perfect either, I have my own flaws, but I'm trying and I think I'm a good guy, I don't go out anywhere, don't drink, don't smoke, don't abuse her, etc.
I don't feel love to her at all, she say she loves me, but It doesn't feel like it at all and she wouldn't act as she often do.
I think since we lived together for so long we got used to each other and don't know how to live on our own.
The longer our relationship drags, the harder it feels to split up. especially now that we got a house, savings, a dog, we are in foreign country without family and friends.
I really want to split up, I just don't know how and if I'm ready to live on my own, do all the things she used to do for me...
And I know even if we won't talk for a day or two, later she will start slowly behave like everything is normal and we should continue be together.. But I'm so tired and feel like this relationship is wrong and neither of us is happy and also I want a kids, she says we are too young and she is not ready. But I don't want to have kids with wrong women either...
I know what I want to do, but don't know how to fulfill it and if I'm ready...

It seems like you know you want to leave and that appears to be the right decision. You are a young man and have a lot of love to give, she does not show you love. The right person is out there for you, it's not your current partner. You have your whole life to be happy, and for someone to make you happy. Life is short and precious, spend it with someone who loves you and who you love back in equal measure.

It sounds like you have grown complacent of each other and are growing apart. 10 years is a long time and we change a lot from the ages of 18 to 28. Maybe you are fundamentally different people now.

You really need to think if she is the person you want to be with forever. Do you think the issues are things that you could talk through or are they now fundamental differences in the people you have grown up to be? If it's the latter, you probably need to be kind and just end it. You're both still young and staying together longer, if your heart isn't in it, isn't fair on her or you. If you do still think there is something worth saving that could be talked through, you need to sit her down seriously and explain how you are feeling - perhaps get counselors involved if it helps.

It's a lot to read but it all sounds like hard work.

Yes relationships require work but jesus this just sounds like an uphill struggle, it shouldn't be like that.

Yes, sorry for the long post, but It had to tell it someone.
That's less than half of what I could say. But I said main things and the fact is that this relationship doesn't make either of us happy.
But main question is how to end it. How to initiate it and not give into her when she will want to stay together... especially when we live under same roof.. do I rent a room somewhere and move out? I just don't know where to start... How to split everything we have, etc. As I said this is the first relationship and I never had to split up, especially after such a long time together.

Is one of you originally from the UK?
Make sure you do not get into a position where there is an international custody dispute, either now or in future...

"you shouldn't ask, you should do it without me telling you to", I tell her I'm a guy and not always know what needs to be done around the house, just ask me and I'll help, but she never does...
Whether or not you can meet her standards has nothing to do with the fact that you are a man. Men are able to see dirt too. If she has reasonable expectations, you should be able to meet them.

she used to say I don't love her, I don't want to be with her, etc, so I wanted to prove I do
That's not a good reason to propose marriage.

No, we are both from same country.

It's not something simple like I don't see dirt and don't clean it. I'm tidy and like to live clean as well, but as I said she is maniac when it comes to cleaning the house. She has her schedule and rhythm when she does what. If I try to grab a hoover and clean it, she will say now is not the time, now need to do that and that. I say okey, I'll do it. She says no it's fine leave I'll do it myself and doesn't let me do it.
Maybe I expressed myself wrong by saying reason is that I'm a man. It simply feels that I should be reading her head and know what to do and when.

I know it's not good reason to propose, but she doesn't want to split up, but relationships was not improving, these days she was talking I don't love her and at the time it looked like a right thing to do. But I was wrong, I can see that now. Nothing changed since.

Yes, fair enough if her expectations are not reasonable, but, as a tip, with your next girlfriend, never say "I am a man so you have to tell me how to clean", as it is a load of sexist shite.

She sounds like she's either very, very hard work and a massive diva, or she has some sort of mental health issues that she should sort out. Whichever it is, you know what you have to do ... what's stopping you?

Very few relationships which start at age 18 last forever - people change so much in their twenties and personally I think it’s normal to try a few relationships before settling down. It’s how you learn what works and what doesn’t.

Anyway: it’s irrelevant whether or not she wants to split up. You do and that’s a good enough reason. I would say the same to her if positions were reversed.

So she will almost certainly be very hurt and put pressure on you to stay. But that is not a reason to stay and you will both be better off in the long run if you part. She will get over it in time. People do.

Yes, I think you should rent a room and move out. That is the cleanest way to end it. It will be much harder if you continue to live under the same roof and too easy to slip back into being a couple.

Try not to be too blaming: nobody’s perfect. The real point is that you’re unhappy together. You have both been unhappy for years. A successful long term relationship is happy the vast majority of the time - not unhappy for significant periods of time as yours appears to be. What you describe is no foundation for the future and definitely not right for bringing children into.

Good luck with your decision.

You want to break up, which is enough reason to do so.

The only barrier seems to be is housing and costs of housing. If you don’t have long left on your (joint?) lease, break up, sleep in the living room and both sort out new housing and move out when the lease ends. If you have a long time left on it, and there are financial penalties for ending the lease early, much will depend on your financial circumstances.

How to tell her isn’t your main problem here: housing is.

Once that’s sorted furniture and items you bought together should be reasonably straightforward.

When you no longer live together, ending all contact would be best.

You need to sit her down and tell her all the reasons why this relationship is not working.explain to her carefully, keeping your voice down. If she starts to shout or get angry you need to leave the room. you need to make it clear that it is over. She doesn't own you, you are not her property. Look for a place first, you may need to house share with other people, keep your money to yourself, and once you have found a place to live, you need to tell her then how you feel, and leave with your bags packed. Harsh but you only have one life to live

You don't have to list reasons why it's not working... "it's not you, it's me" might be corny, but it's also kind.

Get out OP.

Your relationship sounds utterly miserable.
Follow @Battys advice above👍

It sounds like you should have broken up years ago as you both aren't happy. Proposing to her was never going to 'fix' your relationship - it seems neither of you have been brave enough to end it until now.
I agree with PP who say you need to move out, make it clear there is no going back
Do you want to be in this relationship in another ten wasted years? No, so do something about it now before you try and have kids to 'fix' it
Good luck

1. Your fiancé shouldn’t have to tell you what to do to ‘help’ clean the house. After she cooks a meal suggest that you will do the dishes before she leaves the table. If you notice a washing basket with dirty clothes put on a load of washing etc
2. If you are truly unhappy it’s time to end the relationship. Let her find someone who will be happy with her if you are not

Our sex life is ridiculous. Since we don't sleep together it's hard to find a moment, when I try to approach, kiss her, etc and drag into bed, she doesn't want to, says she has work to do or is tired.

You shouldn't be trying to drag her into bed. You may not mean it like it comes across to me but it sounds a bit like it's against her will. It doesn't sound great to be honest.

However, the whole thing just sounds like she's not that into you and you're not that into her either. A relationship shouldn't be hard work like this.
I think you've grown apart and she is maybe afraid to split up and be on her own in a foreign country even though she knows in her heart it is over.

I think you should organize somewhere else to live and then sit down with her and tell her it is over. Then move out as soon as you have told her. There is no other way unfortunately.

You both deserve to be free to find someone who is better suited.
And I think you should spend some time living on your own so you can learn how to do housework and other jobs that you seem to think a woman should do for you.

You can't change people. You need to tell her the relationship isn't working any more and you want to end it. The longer you drag it out, the harder it will become.
Let us know how you get on.

It struck me when you said ‘she’d cling to me and refuse to split up.’ It only takes one person to end things, you know. It is enough that you say it, pack a bag and leave. Don’t do it during an argument, or let an argument happen. Just say it, mean it and act on it.

It isn’t kind or mature to swing back and forth with her like this. Find one statement and stick with it, no matter what. Something like ‘Both of us need to give the other person a chance to be happy. We are not happy. It’s no ones fault, but it has to end now.’

Rent a room, pack up anything precious to you and get it done. There’ll be a difficult period while friends and family get used to the idea. There’ll be tears and recriminations. But it won’t be the end of the world. Once you feel the weight of this relationship lifted, the rest will come more easily. Good luck.

It sounds as though your relationship has been a struggle for years.Your fiancée sounds unhappy and insecure, and your lives sound joyless. I don’t think things will improve.
You are both young enough to start all over again and hopefully find someone more compatible. The two of you seem to have grown completely apart, but are still clinging on because of your fiancée’s neediness and insecurity. Neither of you is happy.
It’s not easy to end a relationship, but in your situation it’s the only thing to do, otherwise you will just continue as you are. It sounds exhausting and miserable. You’re wasting your best years - you both are.

You're both unhappy so break up.

Don't continue this ridiculous drama, you say you feel no love for her and she shows no love to you. End it.

But for the sake of your future relationships, you might want to consider the fact you say you repeatedly what a good guy you are, then say:

I really want to split up, I just don't know how and if I'm ready to live on my own, do all the things she used to do for me...

Which would make you not nice and in fact, a prick. To stay with someone so you don't have to learn to adult.

Your penis doesn't stop you being able to cope with cooking, cleaning and anything else it sounds like you believe women are somehow born to do and just love doing. Do you realise how misogynistic that is?

My partner and I have so much fun together, we laugh loads and have similar values. Which include treating each other as equals and respecting each other enough to take equal responsibility for our life together.

A grown man turning around to a woman and saying that "I tell her I'm a guy and not always know what needs to be done around the house" is probably one of the least attractive things ever.

Don't stay together because you can't be arsed to learn how to take care of yourself. Have a bit more pride than that for goodness sake.

I would say we are done, etc, but she would cling to me and refuse to split up

She doesn't decide that. Find your spine, end it and stay ended. You don't love her so there is no staying. Sell the house, split the stuff. It won't be nice to break up, but you'll both become happier people in the long run. Keep that in mind, go for it and don't let yourself be badgered in wasting even more of both your lives on a relationship that will end anyway.

And for how to handle "all the stuff she does for me" you can find an easy cleaning ritual at "the organised mum method" with print outs what to do each day. If you can't cook there are loads of youtube uploads which show beginners how to cook.

It's your house and your mess too, so get in there and clean it without being told.

It isn't her job to do and to ask for your help, you aren't "helping", you are cleaning your own mess like a grown man should.

This is precisely why her attraction has faded.

I see in your op that you have bought a house. Whose name is on the mortgage/deeds? If it's legally jointly owned by both of you or you alone then I would advise you to stay in the house & put it up for sale. If it's in her sole name then move out as soon as you can find a flat to rent. If she's there on her own a sale will never happen. Take your half of joint savings out & put them in your own account. While you're still in the house pay only your half of necessary household expenses, the other half is her responsibility.
You've only had less than a year of a happy relationship in one that's lasted 10 years. You two aren't at all compatible & have no actual love for each other so don't let another 10 years or more go by like this. Both of you will benefit in the long run.

OK you know it is over but don't know how to leave. We can help.

Is the place a rental or do you own? Assuming rental, whose names are on the tenancy? How long has it got to run? How much notice do you need to give the landlord to end the tenancy? Can either of you afford the rent/mortgage on your own? What about the big stuff you own like sofa, car, fridge, etc, got much of that?

Oh dear, mortgage, I missed that. Can either of you afford to buy the other one out?