Unhappy in relationship with my Fiance

[UnhappyGuy]

Hello, I just joined to this forum, to ask for some advice.

I'm 28 y/o guy, I been with my girlfriend for 10 years, she is my first and only. But we are fighting so much, that I need to do something...
It started long time ago, probably after 1 year in relationship or even earlier. There was some big fights, some small, when it used to get very serious, I would say we are done, etc, but she would cling to me and refuse to split up, etc. Later things got a little better, but we would still fight often. 5 years ago, we came to UK. About 3 years ago I proposed to her in hopes our relationship would get better and healthier, because she used to say I don't love her, I don't want to be with her, etc, so I wanted to prove I do. But when I kneel down to ask her hand, she said "what is this", definitely not the reaction I hope for. She doesn't even wear the ring, ever, her excuse is that, she doesn't want to scratch it, etc. Since then we just kept fighting. She would return the ring with box often to me, I would get angry and just through it into the corner. She doesn't wear any jewelry I gifted her. Even few days ago I said I'd like to gift this bracelet to you, will you wear it. She was like "yea I like it, but you don't have to", so I bought it, she still doesn't wear it. Since we came to UK we were saving like crazy with hopes to save up and go back or buy a house here. We bought house about 2 years ago, then later 1 year ago we got a dog.
She is very negative and self-cautious person. She complains about our life, that it's bad, everything is bad, god help if something breaks or gets a scratch, she would start crying even. She says she is not pretty (she don't do make up, etc), but doesn't do anything to change that. I don't agree and I think is fine as she is and I try compliment her often, but sometimes I just tell her if she is not happy she should do something, put some make up or dye her hair, something, to give some change in her life, but she doesn't listen and do nothing. She works night shifts, sometimes 6 days a week. Our sex life is ridiculous. Since we don't sleep together it's hard to find a moment, when I try to approach, kiss her, etc and drag into bed, she doesn't want to, says she has work to do or is tired. But when we talk about it, she says I should approach her and when I want it. I try to please her in many ways, but she doesn't seem to be concerned about that, even though I directly told her I'm not happy. During the day all she does, make dinner, wash clothes and clean house (she is complete maniac about that), whole day she is at home she cleans and cleans something. I try offer my help, but she says she doesn't need it, but later complains that I don't help, I say, but I offer you my help and she replies, "you shouldn't ask, you should do it without me telling you to", I tell her I'm a guy and not always know what needs to be done around the house, just ask me and I'll help, but she never does...
I'm not perfect either, but I try help as much as I can, I try do manly things, have build her a green house (which we fought about after), fix things around the house, doing some renovation in the bedroom, etc.
I'm not perfect either, I have my own flaws, but I'm trying and I think I'm a good guy, I don't go out anywhere, don't drink, don't smoke, don't abuse her, etc.
I don't feel love to her at all, she say she loves me, but It doesn't feel like it at all and she wouldn't act as she often do.
I think since we lived together for so long we got used to each other and don't know how to live on our own.
The longer our relationship drags, the harder it feels to split up. especially now that we got a house, savings, a dog, we are in foreign country without family and friends.
I really want to split up, I just don't know how and if I'm ready to live on my own, do all the things she used to do for me...
And I know even if we won't talk for a day or two, later she will start slowly behave like everything is normal and we should continue be together.. But I'm so tired and feel like this relationship is wrong and neither of us is happy and also I want a kids, she says we are too young and she is not ready. But I don't want to have kids with wrong women either...
I know what I want to do, but don't know how to fulfill it and if I'm ready...

I wouldn’t marry her, sorry. You’ll end up
In trouble further down the line, its unlikely to change.

Yes you need to split up. That's no relationship especially a future with kids. It's hard but you need to split everything and move on

TorkTorkBam
We own the house, we got everything, TV, Sofa, Bed, new washing machine, etc. Everythng.
That's why it's so hard to leave, when we gathered so many things over those years.
The house we remortgaged in the beginning of the year for 5 years...

To people who said I should be helping on my own. I didn't mean I do nothing. I help, if I see full trash bin, I will empty it. I wash dishes, they are dry I put them back into cupboard, etc. I'm not saying I do as much as she does, but I keep offering my help and asking what I can help you with. She says nothing, all good, etc. Then later when something goes wrong, lets say for example she washes clothes, but someone left something in the pocket and clothes came out not completely clean, she gets frustrated and angry, starts complain and eventually it can grow to things like "you don't help" etc.
She is very pessimistic person and I'm optimistic or at least trying to be. And often I try to calm her down and increase her mood, but it never works and after numerous tries I get angry myself that it doesn't work. If i try leave the room, she will get angry later why I ignored her and left her. Often I feel there is no correct response I can give to her.

Also I want to point out that relationship isn't living hell. We have had and still sometimes have good memories together, but definitely not as much as I'd like and majority is either passive or negative memories.

Like some people mentioned, maybe we just grow out and changed too much over 10 years. And as someone mentioned it would been good to have partners before our relationship so we could compare and see how bad/good it could be with someone else. Now we are inexperience besides each other and got used to each other too much. As I mentioned neither of us go out much because of lack of friends. I try to find some activities, but not as much as I'd like, she never wants to do anything, so we spend quite a lot of time at home, which might have influence on relationship as well.

If you're both expats (I am too where I live), it's not that unusual to be more dependent on one another than people are who e.g. grew up in or have spent decades in one place. When you don't have family to visit, don't have the same cultural background as the locals etc. it is pretty normal to be a bit cut off - or at least, it takes more effort not to be.

But you've made it very clear that you're not happy. Sounds as if it is mainly the practical side stopping you? When Covid allows, you need to get some advice on how it works, so that the practical side doesn't seem as daunting.

When I split up from my exh we also had kids to sort out, and we hadn't paid off the mortgage and couldn't sell the house very easily ... your situation sounds pretty straightforward to me. Are you perhaps focusing on the difficulties as you are reluctant to start?

You're missing the point about housework, OP.

You're not supposed to be 'helping', you're supposed to he doing your share. If she tells you now is not the right time, do it anyway. It's your house and home too and she doesn't get to dictate your housework schedule anymore that you get to 'help'. Its not her default responsibility because she's a woman.

Aside from that, your relationship sounds very unhappy.

Take this time when you can't do much because of lockdown to write down what you want out of life and what needs to happen for you to achieve it. Then, from that, formulate a plan. Even if you feel that it is not currently practical to separate, you can be working out the logistical problems. That in itself will make you feel better.

Look, the relationship is doomed. Exit soon. The logistics of it will be awkward, there will be arguments and bad feeling. Accept this is unavoidable. Then get on with it. The sooner you start the sooner it ends and you two get on with your new lives.

Do you know where.to start?

It isn't her job to do and to ask for your help, you aren't "helping", you are cleaning your own mess like a grown man should.

This and at any rate you've missed the point.

You very clearly think that it is a woman's job and that you might "help" to be nice but that for some reason it isn't to be expected for a man to be an equal party when it comes too stuff like cooking and cleaning.

You have backtracked since but you clearly said that you told her "as I'm a guy" you don't "know" how to do those things.

You don't know how to do those things because you've had other people do them for you and made a conscious choice not to do so. Your reasoning for this is that you're a guy.

You told her you don't know what to do around the house because you're a man, almost mansplaining misogyny to her.

Just end it.

Give him a break about cleaning. My mum is the same. She WANTS to do all the cleaning to her (high ) standard, obviously it takes time and effort, then she complains that we don't help her out. The cleaning bit is a red herring. The relationship has fizzled out. Time to move on