Love bombing !

[Willowmartha1]

Never heard of this before Mumsnet !! Please share your experiences......

My partner turned out to be very controlling, at the beginning a real charmer. Grand romantic gestures like running after me to kiss me on the cheek (boak) turning up uninvited outside my house with gifts,taking days off work to see me. I should have known... if it's too good to be true, it probably is! If they don't let you see their flaws, then maybe there's something wrong

We met online and on our first date he kept running on about how perfect and amazing I was even though he knew next to nothing about me. Was very overly romantic early on eg big declarations about his feelings for me and constantly wanting to touch me and hold my hand and just generally being very over familiar. Asked me to be his girlfriend after only a couple of dates and said he loved me just a few weeks in. Something about it didn't feel right even though he was saying all these positive things. I put it down to me being wary due to having had a difficult end to my last relationship.

As soon as I said I loved him too he stopped being so nice and was very controlling and didn't respect any of my boundaries. For example, he would grope me and say inappropriate sexual things to/about me in front of my friends and family and took deep offence when I asked him to stop. Made digs about me being boring then would say I was twisting his words when I questioned him on it. He would cry and have fake panic attacks whenever I brought up any issues to him in order to shut down the conversation. His behaviour got gradually worse over the course of 8 months until I ended things after he blew up at me for the second time without any reason and was calling me names, telling me I was a nasty person and not who he thought etc.

Yes happened to me. It felt incredible at the time. Fairytale stuff. It wasn't sustainable though.

I also know I changed myself - sort of becoming 'small and vulnerable'. It fit the narrative.

He was ALWAYS available. He'd put me ahead of his kids. I never asked him too. He'd be constantly messaging and would worry about me unnecessarily. It was pretty stalker-ish looking back.

Looking back it was utterly fake. I have just seen him doing the same thing to someone else now. Within a few dates declaring love over social media. It's horrible to watch as I thought I was special.

He's also supposed to be in the shielding group and has clearly broken lockdown rules.

I imagine he's sending her all the memes and stuff he sent to me.

I broke up with him btw but it still bloody hurts!

Yeah my exh did this. He was utterly devoted by 3 weeks into seeing each other, promises of forever, said all the right things and as a long term single mum I was thoroughly swept away. We moved in got married had a DC together and I ignored every red flag because as soon as he saw me noticing the huge flaws in the relationship and consider separating, he'd do the lovebombing all over again and I'd stay. It was very controlling eventually abusive behaviour.

We've been separated 6 years now in which time he's had 6/7 new relationships and every time I see the same pattern he had with me. Within a week or two he's all over social media having found the perfect woman and he's madly in love blah blah blah. Exactly what he said about me.

I'm VERY well rid of him.

Recently I came out of a relationship where I was 'lovebombed' I had been married for years so dating was new for me.
Meeting up with him wasn't quick, chatting for about a month before we did but after our second date we came off a dating site, he would woo me with expensive hotel nights, flowers, said he loved me within a month, wanted to live with me one day, told me I was beautiful etc, was all an act as he soon stopped giving me any compliments, stopped talking about about our future, stopped giving much attention, I soon got fed up with this lack of interest and ended it, if they can't keep it up then it's not true.

There was some warning signs which I ignored, was that he had never been in a long relationship, he never stayed in a job for long, always moving about, seemed an unsettled person but when you are attracted to someone you give them the benefit of the doubt, I'll be much cautious next time.

I remember when my friend met someone like this and it was like a fairytale with his romantic gestures and lovely attentive ways. I will admit I was a bit jealous at first. They got engaged after about 9 months and had a party which my DH came to. This fella was giving it the big one on the Mike saying how much he loved my friend and how he had found his soulmate etc along with flowers and all sorts of soppy shit. All the women were giving it “aw he is so sweet” etc etc.

My DH when asked what he thought said

“To be honest it’s all a load of bollocks. The guy is a complete dickhead and I’ll bet he has got no male friends at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends in tears”

It did. A year later they were married. His dad was his best man and he didn’t have a friend there and without another year he had cheated and moved on to someone else!

Mic

I met my ex via online dating and he was super forward from the off, made a joke about wanting to marry me 10 mins into our convo. First date he gives me an address for drinks and it turns out to be a swanky private members club. Paid for everything, so complimentary, interested, and seemed very very honest - told me he had bipolar disorder, and that he had been separated from his wife for a year and getting divorced.

We were exclusive by Date 3, went on holiday together after a few weeks, I met his parents around the same time. He told me he'd 'never fallen for someone so quickly', and would be so affectionate, giving and generous. It was unlike anything I'd experienced before romantically, to the point I was convinced he was my soulmate.

Cue 3 months later, he'd already started losing the mask: snapping at me for anything and everything, randomly insulting my clothes, looks, hair, implying I needed to lose weight, telling me I don't need to eat more, calling me a slag for sleeping with him so quickly, and having weird childish tantrums (even in public) where he'd shout, berate me, and I'd always end up apologising to him of course because I was the one who did wrong.

He told me he was going to cancel his private member club thing as he only used it to take women on first dates, lol. It also turned out he'd never been diagnosed or treated for bipolar (but was happy to use it to excuse all his abusive behaviour).

Lots of mind meddling and gaslighting tbh, he eventually dumped me very harshly with a critique of my personality and looks as the reason and was with a new girlfriend 3 weeks later.

In short - do not recommend :D

These are so familiar.

"I've waited my whole life to meet you"

"Never felt like this before"

Limmerance mixed in too. Utter infatuation. And I fell for it!

Oh yes!

Happened with my child's dad, we met and I wanted to take things slow.
Told me I was the one and how he really saw a future with me, I'd never experienced it so thought it was all amazing and I'd finally found 'the man of my dreams' that didn't last long at all.

Turns out he did it to lots of women....he wasn't pleased when I found his wife and told her

Reading these responses, to which I added my own up thread, is a bit of an eye opener. I genuinely thought I'd met someone sincere and wonderful, and unfortunately it's made me so cautious now when I get attention from someone! I'm constantly thinking hmm I've heard this all before! I'd be interested to know if anyone else has struggled with new relationships after behind love bombed by an ex?

Why, did this happen to you OP? Or are you researching an article?

Yes i'm struggling to move forward, It's totally put me off dating for now, will take a few more months to even talk to anyone else.
For me I know in future when I see red flags, I need to end it sooner rather than later. My one started being rude to me in the end and that's when I really knew I had enough.

It's hard to remain hopeful but there's genuine ones out there somewhere isn't there? Anyone moved on from love bombing?

It's hard because it's like a type of fraud isn't it?

I've read and learnt so much that I can't believe I was so stupid.

I listened to a podcast recommended on here about the 5 stages of relationships and it made so much sense.

You can't skip steps. That was what he tried to do to me.

He'd tell me everything I wanted to hear and because it was 'right' it wasn't too fast.

It bloody was.

Yep, and he turned out to be a classic covert narcissist. Told me he loved me after two weeks, future faked about our marriage and future kids, wrote ridiculous poems and love letters, wanted me to move in after 3 months dating, showed me off to all his friends every single weekend when we first got together. It felt like I was on tour. Pressured me into having sex extremely early on and was very persistent about wanting and needing frequent sex (sex releases bonding hormones for women, so it's a frequent tactic used by manipulators).

I wont even go into how that relationship ended, but he was the most evil and manipulative person I'd ever met in my life and I'm undergoing counselling for PTSD as a result of the fallout. He did, however, teach me a valuable life lesson! I'll never fall for any of those classic tactics again.

I have just remembered in the early days...

He was going abroad for work and I made a joke about the only good thing at airports was the massive toblerones.

Anyway he bought one back for me... and then seem to bit me one every other day after that. In fact iirc the first one he bought actually had 'I love you' on the box. Brace move but I fell for it.

*buy

Crystal I've yet to move on from my relationship with my exh, after 6 years I still don't trust people particularly well. Looking back he was a classic narcissist and sociopath. People on MN actually helped me to realise what he was and that it really wasn't my fault he was like how he was!

He's gone on to be like that with every one of his relationships after we've separated and is currently love bombing his current girlfriend of 4 weeks who clearly thinks she's hit the jackpot :(

I have really struggled seeing it all play out on social media. That makes a break up even harder.

I have not snooped for ages now as I found it so hard when he tagged new woman in something declaring her to be his soul mate.

Text text text, call call call. Not a minutes peace. Of course when they are hunky, it doesnt feel smothering. But it should.

Saw it more recently in a date. Who co incidentally wasnt that keen until I happened to mention I'd had an verbaly abusive ex. Which you shouldnt mention of course but actually it came in useful this time - I literally saw it was like a switch in his head went 'bingo'. He started to love bomb. Talking about how we should hit the shops ('his treat') ect... and shit about how much in common we have blah. I knew what he was by now and decided I'd hang about a bit just as a refresher on how to spot them on dates xD

One thing I also noticed was mirroring to the extent that he literally said my own sentences word for word back to me a few minutes after I said them. And I've seen this a few times from narcissists! If you ever find yourself thinking 'I just said that...didn't I?' as they parrot your words back to you or to someone else, as if they are their words, with no giving you credit for them, its a big clue.

I politely said my goodbyes. But not even off the bus home and he was already texting. The next day he is calling. Textbook start to love bombing. Decided I would just trust my instincts and told him it was all a bit too much thanks, blocked him on my phone and fb. But for some reason I couldn't block the calls. So every time he called I just denied it. No joke, 6 months it took for him to accept I wasnt interested!

Another good one, which is part of mirroring and love bombing- they often like everything you like (and post for that matter xD) on facebook. You think its because they are trying to hint that they like you. But actually they are just trying to make you think 'oh look how similar we are, we like all the same things'. And when you think about it, it is really creepy that they have obviously been through your list of likes and liked a pile of them like that.

Dont be flattered just because they are hot! Be creeped out when ppl wont give you space.

This happened to me too. I thought I’d found my soulmate transpired he was a personality disordered Narcissist. It was incredibly hard to move on, but what I’ve learnt is that if their words don’t match their actions and/or they cause you to feel insecure, move on, irrespective of how much you think you like them. They aren’t worth the hassle.

@CrowCat it's so hard, sorry you've had to find out he's moved on so quickly, it's like a car crash waiting to happen, hopefully the OW will come to her senses!
I've held myself back from looking on his social media, deleted all pictures and messages, I haven't blocked him on whatsapp only because I don't want him to know i'm angry but archived him away.
I still have some gifts left that he gave me, probably 'guilt gifts' seems a waste but I might chuck them too, I tore up a love letter/card today which was a big thing I had kept it but to move on emotionally, I know everything of his needs to go.

We have a DD together so I do need to be in contact with him, and for long enough after I finally left the marriage he's continued to attempt to love bomb me probably 3 or 4 times a year. And honestly it's still hard to not bite! Because when things were what I thought was good, they were really intoxicating! Luckily I have my crap memories of him making me feel crazy, ugly, insecure, overweight, his infidelities that were obviously my fault (not) and much, much more.

Glad you've been strong enough not to give in! must feel quite satisfying
I hope you do feel the courage to move on when you're ready.