Husband moved to his cottage abroad - permanently?

[Francesca2020]

I’m feeling conflicted. We’ve been married 36 years, have adult children. I’m nearly 60, working part time. He’s a fit and healthy 80 year old and was visiting his cottage in his home village in Ireland before lockdown started. I’m working so have stayed in our city house in S England. We have been apart about 12 weeks now. He says he wants to stay there through the summer too, obviously sensible from a covid19 point of view. However, for ten years he has been travelling there and back regularly and recently more so. Since July 2019 he’s been with me 1/3 of the time and there 2/3, so it seems he prefers to be in an isolated place by the sea rather than being with me. I could only join him for a few days last summer because of long duration building work. I love him and miss him a lot; he says he misses me but that I will be fine here without him because I’m ‘capable’ (his word). I want to respect his wishes to be where he is, but I also feel abandoned and am thinking I should try to create a life for myself here without him. I am independent and confident and fed up with a part-time marriage, but feel very attached to him still. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Live your life.

You feel abandoned because you have been abandoned.

Was there a plan to retire there - if so when?

I'm sorry but like Gutterton said, you feel abandoned because you have been abandoned.

Would you consider seeing (well virtually seeing) a counsellor/therapist to tease out the issues here. It seems he has unilaterally decided to retire to Ireland without taking into consideration the facts that his wife is not retired and she may not want to retire to Ireland anyway. You need to figure out how to talk to him about that and what is in your own best interests.

I'd be interested to see what would happen if he got sick and needed you ....

He says you are 'capable' that's not very loving is it? Is he known to be selfish, making big decisions without your input? Are you absolutely sure he isn't seeing someone there?

Sorry not much help, I know it hurts. But the way he treats you, I think you should move on by yourself.

Try staying positive, you work, has a life where you are now. You have active years to enjoy.

I'd be interested to see what would happen if he got sick and needed you ....

My thoughts exactly.

@Gutterton I don’t plan to retire / can’t afford to retire soon, but we have discussed the fact that it would be difficult for me to move from a vibrant city where our children live (and I’m very happily involved in arts and music events - not my job) to a cottage which is over a mile from the village.

Has the old goat got another woman stashed over there ?

@pallisers @giantangryrooster He has a younger brother and sister in the same village, so they would look after him if got sick. He’s very self-sufficient and stoical, so I suspect would not even ask for help if he was sick.

I think the best solution for you both would be to get together at some point and discuss a compromise if you can. Is there any way you can meet in the middle? Perhaps half time spent together in Ireland and the other half in England?

I would definitely be making a new life for yourself away from him OP. Marriage is a partnership and it sounds like he has checked out.

I really feel for you and can't imagine how confusing/upsetting this must be.

You need to have a serious talk with him and ask him outright if he wants to separate because for all intents and purposes he already has.

I'm sorry you're in this position, I feel very sad for you reading your post.

I am independent and confident and fed up with a part-time marriage, but feel very attached to him still. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Are you thinking divorce and/or meeting someone else?

@AnyFucker Thanks for making me laugh, both with your username and your comment. Also @giantangryrooster....of course one’s first thought
would be he has another woman there, but I’m 100% sure he doesn’t. He’s reserved and shy and has an almost autistic tendency towards being painfully honest.

OP you have spent you life with him. What is your take on this. What are your and your dc's feelings about his move?

Do you miss him, OP?

@Bettysnow thanks for your gentle, thoughtful response. That compromise might work in some ways, although financially I need to work. I think though that it’s dawned on me (has been dawning on me for some time tbh) that he’s not as invested in the relationship as I am. And that actions speak louder than words (few words in his case).

@caribooshriek I do miss him - I’m very sociable and companionable. I’ve been with him since I was 21; like every couple we’ve been through a lot and we have three great adult children, so there’s a lot of attachment there.

There's a big age gap between you and it sounds like he just wants a quiet life and retirement. You are at different stages of life really and want different things.

@Gutterton Divorce would cause logistical and financial upheaval, and I’m not sure either of us would want to go through that. As for meeting someone else, I would consider it (I’m very fit for my age and full of energy). I think that I’m being loyal (I mean in its widest sense) and tolerant - that’s my nature - but not sure it actually means much to him. He’s just happy he can do what he wants without much protest from me.

@ Babyroobs You’ve hit the nail on the head...

I'm in an age gap relationship myself and have found alot has changed since my partner has got older. What we both want is quite different. Would you consider seeing your husband for some of the time and living your own lives the rest?

@giantangryrooster He’s a great father and the children love to go and stay with him by the sea (as I do). He has a great big Get Out Of Jail Free card in their minds because of his age and his gentle personality. I’m active and optimistic, so they think I’m fine, doing a job I enjoy and working at cultural event, seeing friends (pre-lockdown).

I may be completely wrong. But just a thought, is he distancing himself from you as he doesn't want to be a burden as he's getting older?

You clearly want different things and I imagine you're more active and social than he is so perhaps he's noticed this and didn't want to be a bother.

Might be barking up the wrong tree but just an alternative perspective.

Regardless, I'm sorry you're going through this- I would feel very abandoned like you say and after so many years of marriage that's very sad. I hope you find happiness however this works out

You want such different things in life. He has slowed down and living beside the sea is more attractive than being near a busy city. (This rings true for many people).
I don't understand why you can't afford to retire when he has done so and how you haven't spoken about this before? Perhaps the truth is you don't want to retire rather than you can't?

Do you have separate finances?
Have you always led independent lives?

@Cosyblanky That is one solution, you’re right. It would need careful negotiation I reckon, to avoid negative repercussions (I’m thinking mainly financial in my case, but that’s a different topic...)

That is so sad. Neither your dc nor dh consider how you feel. I'm so sorry, do consider your needs and happiness .