Husband moved to his cottage abroad - permanently?

[Francesca2020]

I’m feeling conflicted. We’ve been married 36 years, have adult children. I’m nearly 60, working part time. He’s a fit and healthy 80 year old and was visiting his cottage in his home village in Ireland before lockdown started. I’m working so have stayed in our city house in S England. We have been apart about 12 weeks now. He says he wants to stay there through the summer too, obviously sensible from a covid19 point of view. However, for ten years he has been travelling there and back regularly and recently more so. Since July 2019 he’s been with me 1/3 of the time and there 2/3, so it seems he prefers to be in an isolated place by the sea rather than being with me. I could only join him for a few days last summer because of long duration building work. I love him and miss him a lot; he says he misses me but that I will be fine here without him because I’m ‘capable’ (his word). I want to respect his wishes to be where he is, but I also feel abandoned and am thinking I should try to create a life for myself here without him. I am independent and confident and fed up with a part-time marriage, but feel very attached to him still. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

OP - I think you bed ti hw pragmatic here.
It seems that he had had a great deal most of his life - in his 40s he has found himself a much young woman who would mould her life around his needs, as you say you have done with your career, etc.
I am sure you did most of the house/childcare when kids were small, while he was being busy and important.
Then you bought him his retirement cottage in a place where you know you wouldn’t want to retire.
Now - he is fit and healthy and doesn’t need you to be his nurse, not yet anyway. So, he is doing what he always has done - what he wants. Not much you can do about it.

So - be pragmatic, don’t lose half of what you worked hard for. Do not divorce.
Good news is that you are still not old and have energy and interests. You need to refocus your life on YOU, not in trying to accommodate him.
If I were you - I’d consider myself free to live my life the way I want to and to meet people. With the age difference - you were never gonna grow old together anyway - and you can still meet someone with who you may be able to.

As a side note - I do find it strange that the two of you haven’t had conversations or plans for the retirement, given the vast age difference. How has his desire to be in a remote village not come up?

Do you share finances?

It's inevitable that at 80 you would want a different pace of life than at nearly 60. You're in the prime of life and it sounds as though you have a lovely life, full of enjoyable work and friendships.

Could you perhaps negotiate (in your mind) some sort of part-time relationship with him now, and if someone comes along that takes your fancy, go along with that without any regret or guilt?

Has the old goat got another woman stashed over there ?

This made me laugh 😆

The main advice you will get on here is LTB (leave the bastard) regardless of how wise a course this actually is. Many would say that your situation is quite healthy - you are not on top of each other all the time, you have your own job/finances etc., and you can still enjoy each others' company when you see each other.

The standard MN response would be to fuck him off and start again, regardless of the impact on your extended families. Witness the threads on here in which women are profoundly irritated by i.e. their husbands breathing. You are spared such annoyances and seem to be in a basically good situation. If you want to start dividing up property etc. and getting into online dating at the age of 60, go for it.

If he was 20 years ahead of you in your career, and you supported him in his career by de/prioritising you’re own, and then you spent your inheritance on a cottage which you describe as ‘his’, what has he done for you?

How long ago did he retire? Where is his pension? How has he been living since you retired? On your earnings?

I think it is hard: you are presumably looking forward to some adventures and fun for your first retirement years. He doesn’t sound ready to share that with you 🙁

That seems really sad OP. On one hand I can see why at 80 he's like to remain isolated, but on the other hand I can see why you want to be with your husband. To me it seems strange that you have to have a job at all as you have 2 properties (unless you want one - I have read the thread, but may have missed it). I think you have to get on with living your life where you are, enjoy what you can rather than feeling as if you are "waiting it out" for him. That seems sad after 36 years though, I hope he feels he can come back soon.

I understand you feeling sad, OP. Is your DH aware of your sadness?
Perhaps he thinks that because you are “capable” and have a full life with your job, grownup children and social activities etc that his regular presence isn’t necessary.

@TimeStoleMyYouth I’m very open and express myself easily. DH does know I’m sad and that I get lonely when he’s away - great friends and fascinating events don’t make up for not having a cup of tea with the man you’ve lived with for 38 years, or sharing a response to something on the news (and I am well aware that widows have to face that loss of companionship). He doesn’t seem to know how to respond to an emotional comment.

I do think that some people slow down and happily sink into a quiet life as they get older. From the age of about 50 my OH just really wanted to chill out at home most of the time; I, on the other hand am gregarious and involved in lots of things - so we essentially led separate lives from the same house. Unfortunately he then became ill and needed lots of care and died in February.

But, I think what I am saying is that it may simply be that the age gap is now showing in a big way - he has checked out of a busy life and just wants to have peace. Does not want city life and adult children being busy and active around him. He may not have checked out from you or the relationship, but does not feel able to sustain this in its previous form. There is going to have to be some sort of compromise here, as both your needs cannot be met in the same place.

@Shinjirarenai Almost all my close friends are now single with grown up children, having divorced/separated from their partners, who seem to have been hugely disappointing/abusive/selfish, so in many ways I count myself lucky. But I also feel single (and not in a good way) a lot of the time. Nevertheless I have no desire to divorce him or get into online dating. So I’ll have to go with pragmatism, take the initiative and discuss a part-time arrangement of visits both ways.

Your DH sounds very self-sufficient and rather detached. Even if you have told him you miss him, he perhaps doesn’t appreciate the depth of your distress. Or maybe he’s decided to put his own wants before anything else because at 80 years old, and lucky enough to be in good health, this is his last chance to return to his roots and enjoy quiet independence whilst he still can.
I hope you can find a compromise whereby you get to spend more time together without either of you having to give up completely the life you enjoy.

He would be the first to say a) he is not a people pleaser and b) I have always considered his wishes, often put them first.

Having seen your updates, esp. that you bought the cottage with your inheritance, it sounds as if your DH has always been selfish and unfortunately, you've enabled it over the years. Now he's being true to form and once again doing what suits him, without thinking of you.

You've been the "giver" in the relationship and he's always been quite happy to enjoy the benefits. I agree that you need to initiate a discussion as he's not likely to think of your needs otherwise.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he's got used to being selfish.

One other thought. I'm assuming the cottage is jointly owned? Do verify that his share is left to you or your children, not to his extended family (siblings, etc.) I know that sounds mercenary, but as you bought it, I'm assuming you want it to eventually benefit your children.

Francesca that's so sad.

I think you may need to put your foot down- I know you don't want to tell him he has to spend time with him, but he may need you to.

You have bought him a cottage so he can go away, not so he never comes home.

I'd insist on a conversation where you point out that you are still working in order to facilitate him having a get away home, and that it isn't fair for you to work, maintain a house and family, so that he can live the way he wishes elsewhere while leaving you alone.

The way you describe him, he actually needs you to point out that he is being unreasonable. He wouldn't want to hurt you, but he is.

Plan a compromise, you'll spend holidays with him there, he'll spend term times with you here, or the opposite.