Dating an older man... too many red flags? Or am I just being paranoid?

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Sooo I started seeing a man a good bit older than me (I am 27, he is 44). We met at work. I typically don't ever date through work but knew I'd be leaving for a new job soon.

I'm starting to have some reservations about him and I'm not sure if it's my lockdown brain in paranoia or legitimate real concerns. He was initially extremely giving of time, affection, compliments, etc (sometimes to the point of being too much!) but now is going totally AWOL and seemingly lied about his past relationships.

My concerns:

• Almost 'too nice' initially? Like very very eager, telling me he thought I was special and he feels a 'rare buzz' around me that he doesn't usually feel (this was before our first actual date). Even now while I'm spending lockdown at my parents in Wales he's saying stuff like he can't wait to meet them. It's been only a few months, they don't actually know he exists, is it wrong to want him to calm down?
• He said he'd never been married when I asked him. In a separate conversation I was telling him about my friend being cheated on and he said he didn't understand it either, so selfish, etc. He also said he'd never pursued someone at work before. IDK why but I got a bit suspicious of this, how does someone reach 44 without being married and never being cheated on? Surely unusual? So I did some snooping and found records of his old company with a fellow director sharing his last name. Checked out her Facebook, it's an ex wife.
• His ex-wife's profile was a bit weird to look at (I feel like a creep but it was all public). She'd shared images about narcissistic abuse and being 'out of the fog' and having not felt so good in 16 years of being with him as she did now. She also posted about him cheating on her and leaving her for his 27 year old employee at the company.

I obviously called him and asked again re being married and he said we'd never spoken about it before (we definitely did!?). He then said he didn't tell me because it was only a short marriage (it was 4 years, and 16 years of being together in total..?). And he said he'd never cheated and wasn't sure what this had to do with us.

So... I don't really know what to think. I'm freaked out that he lied in the first place, that's a pretty big thing to lie about surely? Do you think this is a dealbreaker or is my quarantine brain just in overdrive lol?

Oh my god get out!

This doesn't sound good OP, you're young you have so much more fun to look forward to than this. He sounds really dubious and this is such an early stage, I don't think this is worth your precious time.

You're in Wales, you've got access to some really lovely hills - I'd run for them!

it's an ex wife

There's no getting around this. Its such a huge lie. Do you realise that you are the 27 year old he left his wife for? Have you considered that her allegations of abuse may be true (given what you already know of his love bombing, lying and use of power dynamics)?

Be very careful. I would dump him.

She also posted about him cheating on her and leaving her for his 27 year old employee at the company.
So she's saying he left her for you then - or is it a different 27-year-old?

I think it's a deal-breaker - it's such a massive lie.
Why wouldn't he just say he'd been married before and divorced? Is he actually divorced or are they separated and moving towards divorce?

It's a no from me. There's no shame in being married before and at the age of 44 you'd expect someone to have had some long-term relationships and probably been married. But there is something wrong when someone tells a lie about it like that.

He was initially extremely giving of time, affection, compliments, etc (sometimes to the point of being too much!) but now is going totally AWOL
Let him go AWOL. He's doing you a favour.

Don't let this put you off dating an older man though. This one's just a knob.

Do you really need to ask?
Someone hiding 16 years of (& marriage) their life is not someone I’d want to continue dating. If they’d said at the beginning, fair enough, people divorce all the time. But, if he’s hiding a marriage & such a long relationship what else is he hiding. I’d ditch.

Loads of red flags there, OP you cant ever trust a liar. Would totally be a dealbrealer for me.

And just on the age alone... I'm not hugely fussed by age gaps having previously dated a man 9 years younger than me.

But... I've just turned 45. I am such a different person now to I was at 27 - age really isn't 'just a number'. It's life experience and development; I wouldn't be interested in someone who was 27 - having been there, I can't imagine what we'd have in common. That would be like me dating someone who was 62 😱

You are worth so much than a much older, potentially abusive man who is a proven liar.

Lying about not being married before, and gaslighting you by claiming he'd never said so, would be an absolute deal breaker for me. The stuff on his ex wife's FB page is very concerning too.

He’s a massive liar and tried to gaslight you about it.

You know what you need to do.

Oh sorry to be clear here, those posts were from 2 years ago - so definitely not me!!! He seemingly left his ex-wife for a 27 year old employee at his company 2 years ago.

I did know about her (not that she was his employee or that he left his wife for her). He said they'd only broken up because she was offered a job in France and split amicably but now wondering if that was true either lol!

OP you say you "don't know what to think". Seriously? It couldn't be clearer.
Well done you for recognizing the red flags.
Now make sure you don't ignore them.
Run away very, very fast. The ex wife has spelled it all out for you. You have been very lucky!

Urgh. Listen to your gut. He’s a liar, he has history of cheating and chasing younger colleagues at work. You’ve barely been with him two minutes and you can’t trust a word he’s saying. No point in continuing at all. Don’t be like his wife, don’t get dragged into the fog!

You're in Wales, you've got access to some really lovely hills - I'd run for them!

This made me laugh so much.

OP, you have read a warning from his ex on Facebook - read again what she's saying. It couldn't be more plain. That, together with him lying and love-bombing you, should tell you to get out of this relationship.

And of course he couldn't believe his luck at the beginning - you're well out of his league.

He sounds fucking horrendous. Use lockdown to distance yourself- permanently.

God he sounds shit. Sweetheart, you're so young. Go and make better use of that.

Met an older man before lockdown had a couple of dates got on fine but he was very full on initially saying 'I love you' but in a very silly jokey way, telling everyone about me,etc now he has gone awol not sure why some men do this !!

Probably his wife wanted him back home, @Willowmartha1!

They're full on because they can't believe their luck.

Red flags?!

Straight up huge lies. When you called him, he gaslit you (he said we'd never spoken about it before (we definitely did!?)).

Why would you, for even a tenth of a second, think of sticking around?

DTMFA

Get him the hell out of your life.
Love bombing, lying, trying to gaslight you. Classic red flags.

Dont throw your life away and end up like his ex wife.

Sounds like he likes pulling 20 something young women at his workplace.

Two that you know of so far.

He's also lied about how many things do far - not having been married ), not having cheated, and not having gone out with someone from his workplace.

Do he's a liar, goes after women twenty years younger, is a cheater, apparently abusive and seems to have been love bombing you.

Good thing his ex is a bit if an oversharer on SM.

You've done extremely well to recognise your doubts and uncomfortable feelings, investigate etc. Many another young woman (and older) would not have.

The age isn't an issue. The lies are. He has so many red flags waving, it's like bunting.

You've clearly got an instinct in tune otherwise you wouldn't have gone looking. Something didn't feel right. And you still don't think it's right, even after talking to him. Why? You're on here.

My advice to you would be listen to yourself and don't doubt that little voice that tells you when something is wrong.

He was love bombing you at the beginning. Look that up. It might help explain the over keeness.

Look at what his ex wife posted. She has paved the way to letting you know what he is really like. He's already shown it by the huge lies.

Do yourself the biggest favour and get rid of this mug. Or you're in for what she had.

After all if it was 2 years ago, it also didn't work out with the 27 year old. I wonder why! Don't be his next victim!!

I don't think the age difference has anything to do with it (I'm happily married to a man 18 years older); it's more to do with him being a lying, slimy creep. Take heed of his ex wife's posts and run for the hills. Get out whilst you still can. Far far too many red flags xx

I was going to not even read your post and say "if you think they're are red flags then that's enough to get out" but OMG .. you have to be kidding me that you're thinking of staying with this man?! The flags could not be bigger or redder. Get the fuck out, now.

So he's pulled two 27 year olds at work. Great...seems like he makes a habit of it.
What a creep.
Ditch.
You can do better than this

Get the fuck out!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol at all the replies! Yeah last time we met in person I was getting weird heebie jeebies so must have been feeling something was off but not sure why at the time!

Thanks for confirming it's not just me, will take the advice listed here x