Dating an older man... too many red flags? Or am I just being paranoid?

[101521a]

Sooo I started seeing a man a good bit older than me (I am 27, he is 44). We met at work. I typically don't ever date through work but knew I'd be leaving for a new job soon.

I'm starting to have some reservations about him and I'm not sure if it's my lockdown brain in paranoia or legitimate real concerns. He was initially extremely giving of time, affection, compliments, etc (sometimes to the point of being too much!) but now is going totally AWOL and seemingly lied about his past relationships.

My concerns:

• Almost 'too nice' initially? Like very very eager, telling me he thought I was special and he feels a 'rare buzz' around me that he doesn't usually feel (this was before our first actual date). Even now while I'm spending lockdown at my parents in Wales he's saying stuff like he can't wait to meet them. It's been only a few months, they don't actually know he exists, is it wrong to want him to calm down?
• He said he'd never been married when I asked him. In a separate conversation I was telling him about my friend being cheated on and he said he didn't understand it either, so selfish, etc. He also said he'd never pursued someone at work before. IDK why but I got a bit suspicious of this, how does someone reach 44 without being married and never being cheated on? Surely unusual? So I did some snooping and found records of his old company with a fellow director sharing his last name. Checked out her Facebook, it's an ex wife.
• His ex-wife's profile was a bit weird to look at (I feel like a creep but it was all public). She'd shared images about narcissistic abuse and being 'out of the fog' and having not felt so good in 16 years of being with him as she did now. She also posted about him cheating on her and leaving her for his 27 year old employee at the company.

I obviously called him and asked again re being married and he said we'd never spoken about it before (we definitely did!?). He then said he didn't tell me because it was only a short marriage (it was 4 years, and 16 years of being together in total..?). And he said he'd never cheated and wasn't sure what this had to do with us.

So... I don't really know what to think. I'm freaked out that he lied in the first place, that's a pretty big thing to lie about surely? Do you think this is a dealbreaker or is my quarantine brain just in overdrive lol?

OP, you clever, clever girl for digging.

Well done woman.

You have the information now to dodge a complete shit show.

Don't look back.

He's a lying freak.

Do NOT be his next victim.

Be very very proud of yourself.

Good luck.

👏👏👏

That's a BIG lie
And probably the tip of the iceberg
You are so young - not saying that someone older should settle for less, but what I'm saying is you could potentially waste pretty crucial years of your life on him

You're in Wales, you've got access to some really lovely hills - I'd run for them!

Funny and true.

That's good. He's just not good enough for you. Would you lie to him like that? Only expect what you would give out yourself xx

Dump him. He’s a lying cheat and sounds very manipulative. You don’t need that kind of baggage in your life.

On your marks....get set.....Run for your life.

In order of your points:

• Love bombing

• Lie (re work relationships - extensio if you being the first / exception as part of lovebombing)

• Perception of him from his ex (though we often judge men for saying they have crazy exes to be fair so not sure on that one)

• Gaslighting (saying you never spoke about it before)

• Then minimising (number of years) because he knew you knew

FFS OP, it's great you've recognised all this but worrying you haven't put it all together and decided, definitively and certainly, to break up.

Please do!!

And agree nowt really to do with the age other than the fact he probably does date younger women like you because he thinks they will be more likely to put up with his shit.

Prove him wrong, you'll feel so proud looking back that you acted on your boundaries and dealbreakers. So, so proud.

You’re 27. Don’t waste any more of your precious best years on this lying loser.

Run as fast as you can and don’t look back.

“And agree nowt really to do with the age other than the fact he probably does date younger women like you because he thinks they will be more likely to put up with his shit.”

This. Of course there are exceptions - I know a very happy couple with a 20 year age gap - but there seem to be a large number of posts on here at the moment where a young woman is being pushed around by a considerably older partner.

Anyway, OP - as you said: you found him creepy on your last date and you posted with your concerns on here - looks like you have great instincts and are willing to act on them so good for you.

Btw: I wouldn’t rule out dating a colleague. I met my DH at work and know a number of couples who have met that way. As long as you behave like adults, it can work fine.

Good for you OP, you can do way better than this creep. When/if he contacts you again tell him on reflection, & having "discussed it with your parents", dating someone old enough to be your father just isn't something you want to do. Then block him on everything & enjoy knowing he'll be having a narcissistic meltdown. I think the idea that your parents are actively watching what' going on will keep him out of your life & you'll get no trouble from him.

Are you still working together - is that a concern?

Well done OP for listening to your gut instincts and digging to find out the truth behind his rather obsessive tendencies.

What a gift his ex wife's FB postings are. Grab that heads up with both hands and dig yourself out again.

Don't hesitate to cut all ties from him and block and delete on all platforms. Also be prepared he may not give up easily so keep your guard up and secure the privacy settings on your social media as he may well try and reach you there.

Thank goodness for lucky escapes- and your own emotional intelligence and alertness. 🌹

99% of the time much older guys going for younger women with your sort of age gap have an arrested development issue and or creeps. You should've shut it down from the start.
It's really clear now you discovered his lies what to think, surely?! Run!

More red flags than a Marxist convention

As a poster up thread has said you were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to trust your instincts

The bunting is up for a shit show of a party..

Leave and be very proud of yourself

So I spoke with him today and explained that given he's been very hot and cold lately and not been entirely truthful about his past I didn't want to see him anymore and let's just leave it. He said he felt the same way and had lost interest but 'just leaving it might be quite sad' (!?!??) and sent a picture of some chocolates to cheer me up, like wtf haha?

Long story short I've blocked him - honestly the weirdest behaviour. We don't work together anymore, I finished my contract a few weeks back. Somewhat concerned he'll now bad mouth me to the others who work there but oh well.

Thanks for the confirmation that it was all a bit off! xxx

Well done OP. Onwards and upwards!

Well done OP.

Clever woman👏👏

What a petulant weirdo (him). More confirmation that you've made the right decision. I'm sure people at work etc. will rapidly be getting the measure of him.

He sounds like a love addict/love bomber. Men who blow far too hot far too quickly are either love addicts, who will go off you very quickly when the love feelings wear off, or abusers who love bomb you to draw you in. The third option is rare but equally dangerous and it's the narcissist who projects views, beliefs and wishes onto you that they claim to 'love' regardless of your actual feelings and personality who will devalue and despise you when it turns out you aren't an extension of their desires.

He said he'd never been married when I asked him.

I obviously called him and asked again re being married and he said we'd never spoken about it before (we definitely did!?). He then said he didn't tell me because it was only a short marriage

Short or long, it was a marriage..he's a liar.

She also posted about him cheating on her and leaving her for his 27 year old employee at the company.

These are more than red flags 🚩. He's a liar and a cheater. He lied about the reason the marriage ended as well.

I wouldn't waste another minute with him.

He said he felt the same way and had lost interest but 'just leaving it might be quite sad' (!?!??) and sent a picture of some chocolates to cheer me up, like wtf haha?

He's crazy...why does he think you need cheering up. Well done for blocking him...he's an idiot.