Marriage

[Fairydust93]

Advice please

Just some background so you can kinda understand. (sorry for waffling)

I'm 26 partner is 30 we have 1 DC. We have been together 3.5 years, my dad left when I was 9 and my mum got married to a really nice man when I was 17. Due to my mums surname changing I changed mine when I was 18 and felt part of a family if that makes sense, this will sound crazy but I felt like I belonged 🤦‍♀️

Sadly my mum passed away in July 2018 when I was 21 weeks pregnant and the family split up.

Me and my partner have the most amazing relationship, in the 3.5 years of being together we have had 3 arguments, I love the bones of him and couldn't be happier. We also plan to have 2 more children.

I have mentioned twice to my partner I would like to get married and he brushed it off. I then thought long and hard for weeks thinking maybe he will surprise me 🤦‍♀️ how wrong was I! I confronted him on why he brushes it off and he said he doesn't believe in marriage and asked me why I want to get married - I explained that with having little to no family and as we are saving for a mortgage, we have a joint bank account, planning on more children and always speak of our future and that I want to create a family of my own with his surname and I would like to feel like I belong! He said he will think about it but I don't want to pressure him, this is the only thing we've not agreed to together. How do I stop thinking about this and think of his feelings aswell, I know I'm being selfish. The last he said about it was he can promise me forever without a ring and paper.

I'm sorry this is long I don't have friends or family so venting here x

Why doesn't he believe in marriage ?

Your not being selfish for wanting something important to you. What’s his reasoning?

I’d want to know what exactly it is he doesn’t believe in.

It’s not about promising forever - it’s about the security it confers on you and your children.

@IndieTara @Teacaketotty he says that he doesn't need to get a ring or paper to confirm that he will always love me. I feel awful and don't think it will ever happen, but it's something I really want! Not just for me but for my children. A part of me thinks it's because his mum has had 3 unsuccessful marriages and hes put off by it because he makes little jokes about it! I just need to try stop thinking about it but Its daily and constant.

It's not selfish.

And no-one can promise you forever, married or not.

There are lots of practical reasons why marriage is a sensible move. Ie. if he died tomorrow, if you were married, the joint account would automatically become yours. As you're not married, it wouldn't - his half would become part of his estate. www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

You need to make sure you're both protected in the event of unexpected death etc. Do you have wills? Life insurance? It's not romantic, but bad stuff happens.

If you've taken a career break, reduced hours or are a sahm (or intend to be), you really need the protections of marriage or a civil partnership.

@Merryoldgoat he says his word should be enough, and that he doesn't need a ring or paper to confirm that

@category12 has it spot on

Marriage is a partnership and legally you are disadvantaged by not being married, it isn’t a piece of paper. If your dp doesn’t believe in marriage then you could opt for a civil partnership which give you and your children security

@ Thank you I will have a look at the link, we have life insurance, and we had a meeting booked about our wills but has been cancelled due to covid

So three and a half years in and a kid with you without marriage being discussed? Sorta set yourself up there op.

I guess it depends if you are ok with never getting married or not? Probably not wise to bring more kids into things if not though.

Is that enough for you?

I wanted to get married. I told my new boyfriend that early on. He wasn’t fussed. I told him I wasn’t having kids without being married and he said he wanted kids so if we stayed together and wanted a family we’d get married.

Compromise goes both ways - it doesn’t mean capitulation. There are valid reasons to want marriage, and valid moves not to but if you can’t agree or reach a compromise then it sounds like you’ll have to be disatisfied.

And his answer is disingenuous anyway.

To clarify that boyfriend is now my husband.

I’m not trying to get at you but I really don’t understand how marriage doesn’t come up sooner in a relationship - the idea you could have children without a discussion about it seems strange.

@Bunnymumy haven't set myself up, haven't ever thought about marriage and it was only brought up 8 months ago! I'm truly in love with this man and thought about marriage.

@Merryoldgoat if i had to choose never get married and stay with the man I love then it's no brainer I would stay. Its not a massive issue but every girl wants that special day and commitment with the one they love

It's a bit manipulative of him to try to make it about trusting his word, it's about putting in those protections for his family and about something you want in life.

but every girl wants that special day and commitment with the one they love

I have to disagree with this. I wanted a marriage, not a special day and there are plenty of women on here who don’t want either.

You never thought of marriage, even when you got pregnant with him?! Hmmmmmmmm

I hope you work. You're in no position to ever work part time in your current set up as you have absolutely no security. It's fine he's ever hospitalized-you get no say in anything, no requirement to inform you etc etc

I'll bet your DC has his surname. Can you look into changing that?

Is it the thought of a wedding with fuss, cost, attention, stress etc., or actual marriage that he isn't keen on? Would you be happy with a very small registry office ceremony because you simply want to be married, or do you want the big white wedding? For some men it's the hassle of the wedding day that they don't want & resist, rather than the legal status that marriage brings. If you said to him "Lets book a date with the registry office for the 2 of us, buy a wedding ring and just go", would he be happy to do that to make you happy?

For your own legal protection you need to do something.

I wouldn't have had a child before being married/ civil P because I find some men then think that marriage isn't necessary and they've 'shown commitment' through kids. Then you don't have the same legal protections and tbh I wouldn't feel like a true partnership.

I know accidents happen, maybe that's what happened with your first, but I wouldn't want more kids without being married. If he says 'what's the point' or 'i dont believe in marriage' then I'd ask why it only mattered what he thought and that this is vital to me.

You don't need a ring or paper... what legally binding you to me and our children? It's not an empty romantic gesture - it's a true and binding agreement to stand by you and not just run off. It's a pact.

I don't care about a wedding, but any man unwilling to marry when we're in love and have a child would have me losing trust in his intentions

Considering I was diagnosed with a tumor and was told I couldn't have kids when I was 17 and then fell pregnant but didn't know until I was 12 weeks pregnant and then having my mum suffer badly with cancer and passing away and not to mention I also had cancer cells on my cervix after having my son! There was so much going on I couldn't think about myself at the time... So now I feel is the right time

Does your child have his surname too?.

He treats other pieces of paper with more respect. His word does not carry any legal weight whatsoever. In law you are treated as two separate individuals unrelated to each other.

Do not keep handing any more of your power and control here, honestly I would show him the meaning of the word loss. Do not bring any more children into this relationship. What are you to this man, merely good enough to cook and clean for him and otherwise live with but not to marry?.

Just propose to him. Tell him you need to give him a ring and be married to show your commitment to him.

This isn't about a special day. This is about you and your daughter's financial safety. If that is your boyfriend's attitude, you need to maintain your career, work full time, and he and you must split childcare equally. Legally you are flat mates, and that is all.

Have separate bank accounts, as well as a shared account for bills. Make sure you save and always have enough for a flat deposit. Make your child the beneficiary of your will and your pension, rather than your partner. Sorry

My partner never wants to get married he will always say a piece of paper doesn't change how I feel and tbh sometimes when I look at people that are married it's like stigma on there life as a couple, I always get told wait until your married you won't do that anymore even though we have been together 7 years lived together for 5.We have a almost 2 year old and we would like another one. We have joint bank accounts and mortgage and although he earns a hell of a a lot more I have just as much as disposable income as him. He treats me well, loves me, we have a great sex life but that doesn't mean sometimes I don't think he's an utter twat! I would one day like to get married to have the same name as my children but at this point in my life I'm happy to get married later on in life. I'd quite like the ring just to look at then been engaged for 10-15 years 🤣

The last he said about it was he can promise me forever without a ring and paper.

Then explain to him what marriage actually entails - because it's not a piece of paper that says you love each other, it's a series of legal rights and protections - and ask him why he doesn't want to safeguard his family.

It's ridiculous for you to be tormenting yourself and calling yourself names when he clearly doesn't care enough to be doing the same.