Marriage

[Fairydust93]

Advice please

Just some background so you can kinda understand. (sorry for waffling)

I'm 26 partner is 30 we have 1 DC. We have been together 3.5 years, my dad left when I was 9 and my mum got married to a really nice man when I was 17. Due to my mums surname changing I changed mine when I was 18 and felt part of a family if that makes sense, this will sound crazy but I felt like I belonged 🤦‍♀️

Sadly my mum passed away in July 2018 when I was 21 weeks pregnant and the family split up.

Me and my partner have the most amazing relationship, in the 3.5 years of being together we have had 3 arguments, I love the bones of him and couldn't be happier. We also plan to have 2 more children.

I have mentioned twice to my partner I would like to get married and he brushed it off. I then thought long and hard for weeks thinking maybe he will surprise me 🤦‍♀️ how wrong was I! I confronted him on why he brushes it off and he said he doesn't believe in marriage and asked me why I want to get married - I explained that with having little to no family and as we are saving for a mortgage, we have a joint bank account, planning on more children and always speak of our future and that I want to create a family of my own with his surname and I would like to feel like I belong! He said he will think about it but I don't want to pressure him, this is the only thing we've not agreed to together. How do I stop thinking about this and think of his feelings aswell, I know I'm being selfish. The last he said about it was he can promise me forever without a ring and paper.

I'm sorry this is long I don't have friends or family so venting here x

I wasn’t arsed about a special day or any of that stuff either. My partner and I got married because we were buying a house together and wanted the ease and security of tying our finances together (as it was the wedding was brilliant fun, but it was just a knees up in a pub after registry office). We haven’t changed our names.

We love each other very much, marriage was about practicalities.

If the piece of paper means so little to him he shouldn’t begrudge it you, surely? Why should he object? You’re the one changing your name.

It’s NOT about a special day, it’s an important move which protects your legal rights. And those of your children! In some respect you actually need to take the Romance out of it.

Even if you get unexpectedly knocked up (like my good self) ... voila get down the reg office and you’re good to go.

I have no idea how people get as far as
Making babies without at sorting this out.

My friend is about to do this with a third partner, still unmarried still secretly wants to and at 43 never will. Third man,
third child, still angry and jealous at weddings.

No ring no security....WTF.

OP, as others have basically said, his word that he will love you forever is all well and good and may or may not be enough for you to feel secure.

His word will mean nothing to the people managing his estate in accordance with the law of he dies without a will (spoiler: nothing will belong to you because you are not related without marriage). It will also mean nothing to the tax man if he does have a will - you will need to pay inheritance tax on what he leaves you because you are not married.

You will not be his next of kin so face all sorts of potential problems around who gives consent for what care should be fall seriously ill, who can visit, who decides what happens re funerals, organ donation etc. etc.

Honestly, it goes on and on re pensions and so on. And it works both ways.

And that's all only if he does which even he must admit he had no control over! If he does in fact leave you one day, which happens to lots of people however happy they start out, you face a while host of other issues particularly if you've given up work to look after the children but never married. Essentially, tough luck there.

Please look into the practicalities very seriously and decide whether it's important to you on that basis. If you present him with cold, hard facts you can both either choose to put all sorts of faffy things in place to try to replicate being married financially and otherwise, you can get married, or he can explain to you why he doesn't want to give you those protections.

Unless you are the high earner and he intends to be the main carer for your children, do not have any more children with this man until you are married.

If you do, you are the one who is taking all the risk (cutting job hours, delaying career progression, possibly becoming financially dependent on him), and you are the one who will find herself a single mother if he decides to walk away.

Being a single mother of one child is a hell of a lot easier than being a single mother of 3.

If he doesn't care enough about you and your children to give you the assurance of a legal contract (either marriage or civil partnership), why on earth would you want to stay with him anyway?

Unless you are the higher earner, and can survive on your own income alone, and are happy that you will inherit nothing if your partner dies intestate, and that you have no legal protection if he ditched you for another woman, then you need to get married. There is no such thing in law as a common law wife - you would be regarded simply as a flatmate.
OP, I recommend that you get legal and financial advice, and present your partner with the facts - that he is selfishly and recklessly putting you and his child at risk by refusing to marry you and secure your financial position. And definitely don’t have any more children until this is sorted.