Want EXH back

[Beebeeboo2]

Asked ExH to leave almost 3yrs ago because he was on Tinder. I Asked for us to work through things 3 wks after that, but he said he had moved on. He’s now been living with new partner for 2 years and divorce finalised last year.
But I still want him back. I’ve dated a lot, Hans one relationship that lasted a few months, I am trying desperately to move on. But every so often I have a vivid dream of me still being married to my ex and I’m so full of joy in the dream. Then I wake up and can’t stop crying for the rest of the day and usually get very low for a few days.
I don’t know what to do. I’m 41, we have once DC together. I can’t go the rest of my life lining for “my happy days” which are over.

*pining

Why do you think he was on Tinder OP ? Why do you think after 3 weeks he declared he had moved on ? why do you think he has been living with someone else for 3 years now ?

He was unhappy in the marriage... Sorry

sorry 2 years now

It’s normal to look back see things with rose tinted glasses. I’m sure you did have some joy in the marriage and just be thankful for it. He has moved on which is fine, he’s allowed to be happy.
You need to be happy too, keep reminding yourself you told him to leave. You’re going to have good and bad days. X

Sorry op but I agree with pp. On the off chance he came back to you, how long do you think it would be until he was on tinder again? Also, you would spend the whole relationship wondering if he was.

Maybe take some time to be single and learn to be happy in your own company. And when lockdown lifts, make and nurture other relationships such as friendships.

I know. I’m glad that he’s happy. I just miss him so much. I hate myself for telling him to leave. It’s the biggest regret of my life. He was happy in the marriage for the most part, but we went through a rough patch. I can see with crystal clarity now what my part in that was and I have so much regret.

My exH left me 30 years ago for OW. I still occaisonally dream that we are married and happy!

Just dreams, OP. Not the reality. He's with someone else because he wants to be.

No.

Nothing you did made him betray you by going on Tinder. Nothing. That was deceitful and unforgivable.

You did the right thing. Seriously.

But you're still very sad. Have you had some counselling?

OP he was on tinder. So he was a knob. If things weren't working between you HE could have chose to leave. Or to work on things. Instead he chose to look for a woman on the side. And for all you know,it may not have been the first time. You say he was happy for the most part...so what, the second he isnt happy he joins tinder? What a prick.

Leaving him was a good decision. Just because you have feelings for someone, does not mean we let them disrespect us. Love yourself first and foremost. And stop beating yourself up. You did well to leave!

I chose to leave my ex about a year ago.. asked to work it out about a month later and he said 'it's too late,' then watched me cry on my doorstep.
I still pine after him.. dream about him. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was last year.
Broken hearts suck so much and sadly they don't have an expiration date 💔 try to block him on everything, remove anything that reminds you of him and try and find yourself! As hard as it is ignore the dreams, they are just dreams!

Thank you

I know how you feel. Its grief, it's a slow process of one step forward, two back and absolute shit to get through, but you will get there in your own time. It is so hard when you can't make a clean break because you are parents to the same child. Your ex's importance will fade with time, but don't give yourself a timescale and then beat yourself up for 'not being over it yet'. That's ok. Be kind to yourself. Happiness for you is out there somewhere, in whatever form or multiple forms it takes. Cherish your child, keep looking forward, keep believing and fake it till you make it. x

He moved on very quick OP, you are taking your time to process - and that's good. He cheated on you by going on Tinder and you were right to give him his marching orders. He's just one of those people who can't bear to be alone. The dreams will fade away (though they may never go away completely) and you will move on properly. Good luck.

Pretend for a minute that instead of him going on Tinder (think back to 1980s if you must) he just up and left or fell in love with a work colleague and left. It was over when he decided not when you told him to leave.

It's easy to be in nostalgia and wishing how it should be, whenever I find myself back in that place, I remember what was bad and how I deserve better, I try to be hopeful and look forward to meeting man with mutual love and respect and that's what you should do, look forward not back.

I do understand, been through two heartbreaks in 13 months.

Remind yourself he’s a cheat and keep in mind all the bad things about him.

It’s easy to look back to the past for comfort, especially if dating isn’t going as you’d like but you deserve so much more than a cheat.

It wasn't your fault he was looking elsewhere. We are well rid of him. You are pining for something that isn't real. The reality is he is a twat and you can do better.

Thank you everybody. x

It is hard.
I too have dreams about my exH and sometimes I do miss him.
The reality was he was a cheat and not very nice at times. Divorcing was the right thing to do.

It helped to write out the negative parts of the marriage and some of the mean ways he treated me. I can read it when I'm getting too nostalgic.

It's really hard. It's ok to miss him.

OP I'm sorry.. reading back my reply to your OP.. I sound very harsh.. this wasn't my intention .. I'm so sorry

I just mean.. he had already moved on.. he was lost already.. you absolutely did the right thing.. don't believe for a minute his new relationship is all sunshine lollipops and rainbows ....

You deserve better... there is someone out there who will cherish you

Everything happens for a reason, please don’t hate yourself for leaving him. If he wanted you that much, he wouldn’t have gone on tinder and he wouldn’t have moved on so quick.
X

A broken heart can be torture. I know the sorts of dreams you mean when it can feel so real and you feel the impact of those dreams for a day or two. I think as time has gone on you may have started to look at the past through rose tinted glasses. It's hard not too as that was a happy time for you aside from the end bit. Although now, things have moved on and you need to change your focus. Somehow and I will be honest, I don't know that answer, you need to be able to move on now. Possibly help with therapy could be the answer?

The grief is real. I'm sorry you feel this way. I agree with other posters, maybe some taking therapy might help. It helped me. I remember the dreams. I hope you find your release from the hurt.

Yes I had therapy soon after the split, but not for long. I think I probably need to start again. I just have days when I think that the happiest part of my life is over.
I think it would be helpful to think of it as he just didn’t love me anymore, rather than dwell on all the things I could have done differently.

If you start therapy again I am guessing it will address who you are and your feelings now 3 years down the line. It might be a good idea. For me, I made a massive life change and moved countries. It was something I had always intended to do anyway but the change of scene helped - but it still took a very long time to get over the pain. I know you have a child so a big change is probably not the answer for you but could you change any other aspects of your life for the better to help you move on?