Is it normal to feel this way after 20 years together?

[Muminlockdown2020]

Hi everyone. Been a member of mumsnet for a long time but have name changed for this post incase outing.

Background, met my husband when we were 18 and we have been together for 20 years. (sounds a long time but I'm still only 38!)
I had normal teenage boyfriends before him and lots of fun. I didn't really think we would have stayed together as it was just abit of young fun at first but we have. Our first few years were the normal full of fun and passion etc.
Then normal life, got a home, progressed in careers, had kids. Both still primary age. We aren't rich, we aren't poor. We just have a lovely normal life together.
But..... I suppose its the case of is the grass always greener on the other side?

I have been with this man for my entire adult life, and same for him. Every single part of my life has been shared with him.
He isn't amazing, he isn't terrible. He's just a normal guy who leans towards being a grumpy old sod nowadays. He loves us, i know he does, although he doesn't really show his emotions. I do think we settled for each other.

My problem is that I pine, yearn and long for freedom. Now, that makes me sound controlled and trapped. I am not at all, apart from I'm currently a sahm so I am reliant on him financially.
I have never been an adult without him. I've never done anything apart from him like a girls holiday etc (I only have one good friend now and she's just had a baby with disabilities so no chance of this happening at the moment unfortunately).
I have never made a single decision in my life that's not involved him. My car, our home, how we decorate, what furniture to buy, what to buy our kids, where to go on holiday, where to work, what area to live in, what meals to cook. What our days consist of. When we see family. Everything!! I know this sounds silly but when you've never done it you want it!! I literally went from living with my parents who I had to answer to, to immediately living with him age 21 and sharing all decisions.

If we ever separated I would not want another relationship. Its not that I yearn for another man. I just want to live my own life!! The thought of being stuck with him when the kids have flown the nest fills me with dread because we don't have the same interests. I want to go out all the time and travel and see the world, he wants to stay home and never go anywhere and do DIY projects which he loves. I just feel like is this it? Is this my life?? You get one life and I don't feel like im living it how I want to. Selfishly I suppose. Can anyone relate?

It works better for our family that I am at home.

Does it work out better for you?
Even if what you earnt only covered the childcare costs you should consider it.
What did you do for work before children?

Get a job, there are jobs out there that fit in with school hours. You’ve identified that the crux of this is that you don’t earn your own money and I think you’re right. Get a job, offer a service, start a course, decide what you like and go for it. Then you can decide how to split childcare between you.

If you can't work now, there's no reason why you can't plan for when you can, and start retraining/studying/getting ready for the workplace. And there's no reason you can't plan out what you're going to do in the future. And start striking out on your own a bit. You can aim for that little house in Cornwall eventually if that's what you want.

"I think most people in ltr feel similar" - I don't.

Also been with dh for 20 years but we met at 28, we both had previous relationships and lived a decent amount of adult life before we got together.

I had the confidence to speak up for myself from the start (not the case in previous relationships!) I feel listened to, I feel that our life is ours, our decisions are joint, I don't feel like I've had to compromise or not express myself.

You've realised that you've lost yourself and that's an amazing first step. Give yourself to time to ponder what that means and what you can do about it. Talk to your dh, try and explain, see if he understands and try to get a sense of whether he'll support you in finding yourself again.

I think a vital first step is looking for a part time job that fits in with the family. You’ll feel stimulated rather than smothered, you’ll have your own small income and it will take you out of the same four walls of your house and life. In my case, I initially became a registered childminder when the children were small and I took an NVQ in early education and childcare and now I work in a preschool but part-time so there is a work-life balance with inbuilt “me” time.

It’s the small things: for example, I love going to the cinema on my own during the school day (before lockdown) and like other pp, we both have separate interests and friendships as well as shared activities. My husband retired a few years ago and that’s when it becomes massively important that you have your own space and lives.

It's great that you've realised you've lost yourself a bit and I'd definitely encourage you to build your own life and see how you feel then before you consider ending your marriage.

But tbh if you even think your marriage might have run its course it's even more important to get a job. Do you have your own pension? If your marriage does end, for any reason, you'll be much better off with a job.

And that Wendy Cope thing... Well, fine, if you actually want to be boring. I don't. It's not a prerequisite of marriage.

I’m going to pick up on the shared finances (or lack of) side of your post. You say that he’s the sole owner and would make comments about you wasting “his” money if you purchased something...? This rings alarm bells for me and may be the cause of a lot of what you’re feeling. Every adult should have access to their own spending money and should be able to spend it without guilt. That doesn’t mean you need to get a job - if you’ve decided as a couple that it works with you being at home that’s fine but you’re a team and you being at home enables him to work so you should both have equal spending money!

I am a stay at home parent. My dh works. All our money goes into a joint account, all bills go out of it and we leave some in there for spending for the kids / days out etc. We then transfer an equal amount each to our own separate accounts to spend as we wish. I don’t comment about what he spends his on and he doesn’t care what I do with mine. I wouldn’t live any other way. We’ve been together a similar length of time to you and your dh.

I think you need to address this side of things.

@Bagelsandbrie, she didn't say that he'd make comments about her wasting his money.

First, even though he earns the money, you look after house and kids so it is your money as much as it is his. Don't feel guilty.

Next, think about what you would like to do work wise. Look at training and working part time. This will make a huge difference. You'll be out of the house, make new friends, enjoy work and earn money.

Omg I was thinking this looking through Instagram today. I know it's not real life, but I envy some people, who have their own house and able to have their own space.
Like you, I've been with dh more than 20 years, mostly we agree on things for the house but sometimes, I dream of what I can choose on my own, eat on my own and watch on my own.
Don't get me wrong I like our house, and lifestyle, but sometimes, there are things I definitely would have done differently if I was on my own.

I can relate. But more that I watched my two older sisters do what you did. I didn't meet my husband until I was 27, and I still sometimes crave freedom. I wonder how they feel?

I hear you op. I feel similar, married for 15 years, sahm for 10. However I had five years of my 20s where I did wild and independent things so I have something to cling to.

When all of this is over I’m going to become a hermit in the north of Scotland living a life of prayer and gardening. But only part time because I’ll miss everyone really, it’s just that the grass is greener on the other side.

After lockdown I’m going to make some changes, if I have any energy left. Let us know what you do!

You say being a SAHM works best for your family, but it doesn't really. YOU are 1/4 of that family and it isn't working for you.

There are some practical steps towards returning to work; you don't even need to return to paid work yet. Volunteering could offer you the flexibility you crave and some experience and confidence while you weigh up your options and gain a sense of purpose. You might meet some new people too. Having just one friend is probably more limiting that having just one lover! There is no reason why you can't go on girls' holidays or nights out, once lockdown is over. Is there something like a WI or exercise class you'd like to try?

“Get a job, there are jobs out there that fit in with school hours. You’ve identified that the crux of this is that you don’t earn your own money and I think you’re right. Get a job, offer a service, start a course, decide what you like and go for it. Then you can decide how to split childcare between you”

This. Think of the childcare costs as an investment in you and your family.

@Muminlockdown2020 I hear you. Feel the same although I got married later than you. The cottage in Cornwall is my dream too. I think about it most days. I’m not sure I will ever feel fulfilled until I achieve it. I’m living a decent life (and am grateful for that) but not the one I truly want.